ah, food

I must confess...I've been a Scrooge...

For the first time, the entire season could come and go and I wouldn't mind. (Some of you know how I've been "bah humbugging" Christmas music and I make no apologies coz so much of it truly stinks.) And I've concluded that my lack of enthusiasm is all because this is the first time in my life that Christmas isn't a big break from something such as school or work or some major stress factor. When I realized that, I realized that for many years, I've been caught up in the gift giving (not a bad thing necessarily) and the vegetating (also not necessarily a bad thing) but I've lost the focus on Jesus. (Don't worry, I don't wish to dive into all the brouhaha�love that word�concerning the Conservative Christians and their war on commercialism, etc.)

Yesterday, my pastor said some things that helped me figure out what to do with my Scroogeness. He preached on having the "mind of Christ" and asking ourselves how Christmas will change our tomorrows. He said that we've got to live as if we believe that our world is in need of a Savior. I'm presently clutching those concepts, taking seriously the notion that this season often passes with nothing more than an extra few pounds gained and a lot of money spent. But Jesus was born so that whether or not I sing Christmas songs, I have the opportunity to be reborn. THAT is beautiful reality, one I wish to spend more time pondering and allowing to impact my existence.

Today is a lovely day, not because of the great food I anticipate (my dad's going to make fried dumplings and I'm baking a few apple cobblers to give away...YUMMY), but because I've finally realized what matters most. It's meaningful to me, it's life changing for me.

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy New Year! I pray that you take in all the blessings of today and the days to come. Thanks for being part of my world J

Love you,
Michaela L.

question

when someone asks how are you? are you required to answer truthfully?

i've often responded in truth but haven't been heard. the words i'm sick seem to translate into i'm fine. and are responded to with good, good. and a part of me hopes that the guilty party doesn't see the disdain within me that's most likely now written on my face. and another part of me wishes for the guilty party's quick disappearance. how dare you ask and not listen?

but then there's the other scenario.

i've had a rough day that i'd rather not talk about. someone asks how i'm doing. i answer based on the tiny bit of optimism that found its way into my life despite the frustration and pain during the 10 hours i've been awake. am i still being honest by only spouting that tiny optimism?

i take pride in my honesty. over the last several months, i've discovered how freeing it is to not only tell the truth but to admit the truth and not run from the truth even if the truth stings. but it's obviously not always an easy thing. i just didn't think something as simple as a how are you would trip me up, would start my mind running.

answers are often hard to come by. resting in a state of unknowns, i bury my head and cry. but hope comes in moments. i take hold of each and know one thing -- i will be fine.

not enough

time....

or should i say that there is enough and i just haven't figured out how best to use it all? yes, that's more accurate, je pense. oui!

and that's all i have time for...so sad...too bad.

bigger.than.me.better.than.dreams

it's one of those airplane shots that remind me of how much is beyond me, beyond my best of dreams.

and then it motivates me...to use my time better, to waste not a second, to live as if i actually enjoy living.

so i do it.

my life is again on the cusp of something new, something amazingly beautiful. i have no idea what it is, only that it will be. i'm not ready for it, but somehow that's okay because i'm being prepared. that's called Grace -- with a capital "G" because it's God's.

now off i go. there are only approximately 7 more wake hours left...unless, of course, i take the nap i promised myself this morning.

we'll see.

nature's music

...a thousand wishes down below...





...when one thing goes, another comes and that's alright...

okay now

[the picture represents the confusion in my head.]

my esl students want me to hang out with them at the bar saturday night. i don't drink, smoke or shake my thang on dance floors with low lighting. but does that matter? they promised to by me a jug of water :)

what if i brought them to my house saturday night instead and served pop or even non-alcoholic wine, and we cranked up the music because i do shake my thang in my own home. will that be better?

rubbish. i'm tired of the substitutions. we do it with meat, with drinks, with valuables, with habits. yet if it's not visibly "of the world" it's not obviously "of heaven." no, i don't want to get caught up in the legalism argument here. what i want to get caught up in is authenticity. it's one of the many catch words i'll soon grow to despise, i'm sure. but for now, while i'm still luke warm about it, i'll rant about it which gets me right back to my favourite word...honesty. (is such a lonely word...)

but i don't have enough stamina right now to go further with it. my back aches because i've been slouching a lot. my head hurts because i'm not sleeping well. i feel guilty for not taking on a particular task. i'm tired of being tired. and i know i'm not doing all that i could be. it's now 10:41pm and i'm already behind schedule. i could continue to list at least 10 more things but i won't because self-destruction isn't necessary in this moment....or any moment for that matter.

now i really have to wake up and stay up at 4am. WE'VE got a lot to talk about, a lot to work through. i made a list of fears two 4ams ago. WE need to work through that too.

this is how tired i am...i'm spilling my guts, drunk with fatigue. and as i double check my spelling and grammar, the accent in my head is south african. fun times huh? i just have to hear that accent briefly and suddenly i find it hard to sound "naturally" me.

on a good note, tutoring today was so much fun. never again will i have what i had today. the particular student combination, their cultures, attitudes, senses of humor...it won't repeat. so i'll take a moment to say thank You God! thank You a million times over. You know what i need and when to supply it.

i guess that was my american thanksgiving special though i'd rather be at the wood's home eating those lovely home-made rolls. yummy!

grand scheming

in the grand scheme of things...otherwise known as life...my momentary fatigue matters not. i should have stayed up this morning. i should have taken just a few moments to look around. i would have realized all that could have been accomplished. but i concluded that more sleep was most important and since i seemingly had the option, i embraced it.

but in the grand scheme of things....

getting too relevant

in this age of being relevant, i wonder where the boundaries lie. how far can i go in my attempt to be relevant before becoming irrelevant? i'm particularly conscious of this when it comes to church, to religion, to organized religion. (do folks really have a problem with organized religion or are they just frustrated and in need of a scape goat?)

how much should i strive to be inclusive? what does that really mean anyway? where do inclusiveness and tolerance meet? and when, then, does the message become mediocre, ineffective?

ineffective is my word of the day. i've been up since 3:45 so that me and God could commune. it's been an amazing few hours. i have a new outlook on what it means to use my time wisely.

and if i spend so much time trying to be relevant that i become irrelevant....wasted.........precious moments wasted.

in case you haven't heard

an 18 yr old was shot outside the Toronto West SDA Church during the funeral service of his 17 yr old friend. this just happened on friday. the church is now a crime scene.

gangs.

if we use the word informally, many of us are part of some sort of gang. perhaps we call our gang a fraternity, sorority, small group, clique, church...perhaps we get together and do good things.

if we use the word formally, many of us are part of a gang. perhaps we call our gang a fraternity, sorority, small group, clique, church...perhaps we're a group of criminals, slowly taking lives with our thoughts and actions or inaction. maybe we're delinquents, failing to do what the Lord requires--opting to do what gives us a temporary high/rush...

...in case you haven't heard...

our schools are crime scenes
our homes are crime scenes
our workplaces are crime scenes
our churches are crime scenes

will the killers be caught? will the witnesses speak up? will the good people get together and fight?

in case you haven't heard...

Jesus' coming doesn't mean we sit and watch the sky. Jesus' coming doesn't mean we twiddle our thumbs and sigh. Jesus' coming doesn't mean we live like tomorrow's promised nor does it mean that we live as if it's not...

...in case you haven't heard...

on november 18
many young men died
many young women died
many died without hope
many live with the memory

on november 21
many have died already

on november 22
many more will die

what are we going to do about it?

should we raid homes and confiscate guns?
should we hold rallies, take our frustrations to the street?

maybe

and we should invade hearts with love
and we should rebuild churches with love
and we should transform our workplaces with love
and we should mend homes with love
and we should change the curriculum in schools -- take the bible, take the 10 c's, take whatever but leave love!

and we should hold up hope...coz there's still enough left to go around...there's still enough hope to go around...

...in case you haven't heard.

so as you pray, as you open your heart to Jesus sometime today, remember Toronto, remember your own community, remember your home, remember to love.

really.short.need.sleep

MORE

we need not focus on being unique. rather, we need to focus on being a masterpiece....Eph 2:10....God's creation....being the people HE created us to be with our specific gifts.

we shouldn't aim to simply be happy. that's global thinking. our minds need to look beyond earth.

then people will see that we are God's creation. they may not use those particular words. they may simply say there's something in you that draws me to something bigger than you. after spending more time with us, they'll realize that that bigger thing is God Almighty!

i'm attending the revive conference. tree63 has some lovely rhythms, solid lyrics, and one LOUD sound system! man. my neck got a massage tonight!

more insights in the new day.

home.sick

my students are homesick. they won't spend christmas with their families. to see the sadness on their faces is one thing...to hear the sadness is another.

hearing is so much harder than seeing yet we miss the eyes more than the ears it seems--sight is the most prized of the five senses. i can relate. i understand how blindness can lead to death. but the ears are vital, able to pick up so much that eyes (no matter how good) can't recognize.

if i could give my students an early ticket home, i would. but then they'd miss the rest of the experience and that's what it's all about...experience.

hearing. seeing. smelling. touching. tasting.

life.

but being homesick says a lot. says you love. says you care. says you miss. says more than many can relate to.

be.free

oh freedom
oh freedom
oh freedom over me

and before i'll be a slave
i'll be burried in my grave
and go home to my Lord
and be free

i'm in a singing mood.

i'll fly away

some glad morning
when this life is over
i'll fly away...

when i die, hallelujah by and by
i'll fly away

now that's where i get a bit confused. is it talking about being immediately taken up to heaven after death? if so, i guess i can't sing the song.

darn.

correction.advice.direction

i'm working more on my writing...it's a love-hate combo. well, hate's a bit strong. sometimes the editing/reworking process is actually enjoyable. other times it's a right pain. today has been good. more and more, i'm recognizing the value in other ppl's opinion of my work. sometimes my work is good and sometimes it's not. i can't always be the finally judge. i shouldn't ever be the final judge. i won't ever be the final judge (unless i keep it all to myself).

i'm rambling. i'm tired. 4am here we come!

rocks.brooms.sliders.whiplash

curling is fabulous! it's the sort of thing you can't do just once...well, i can't do it just once even though my first time has left me in pain...but i'll discuss that later.

i'm trying to think of how curling is analogous to living. i typically create ineffective analogies so perhaps i shouldn't try now. but i feel as if i must, as if it'll be the sprinkles on the cake. so here goes:

the act of curling demands attentiveness, precision, control, vision, care...as you slide each rock down the lane in hopes of either landing in the scoring zone or knocking your opponent's rock out of the zone. if you're a sweeper, you assist the rock's travels (if necessary) by making it's path "smoother." if your the skip(er?), you give direction to whoever's up by signaling with broom and hand.

and this is like life how? yeah, i dunno....maybe i'll come up with something in my sleep.

good times.

oh yes, my pain...i got whiplash. i slipped on the ice and felt my head go back quite violently. apparently i was quite close to hitting the ice. thank God i didn't! i've never realized how heavy a head is except from holding babies. i have a new appreciation for the strength of the neck. now there's an analogy for leadership!

leaders are often head heavy...have a lot of good ideas, a lot of vision, and sometimes a lot of hot air and overgrown pride. if a leader has strong assitance (the neck), there's a pretty good chance that if the leader falls, his/her assitance will be able to catch him before any major damage (head won't hit the ice).

and now i leave you with the words of my dad: the husband is the head and the wife is the neck, without which the head does not move.

yeah, my bedtime has long passed.

jazz.sleep.questions

two nights later....

i saw/heard jane bunnett and the spirits of havana...lovely

sidenote: i've tried to describe music lately and no adjective seems sufficient/qualified/right.

(meanwhile, back on the ranch) jane plays soprano sax and flute...wicked tone and finger action...her entire being connects to the music. the spirits of havana include trumpet, standing bass, drums, congas, and keyboard. i wanted to get up and dance during much of the performance but was much too shy.

since i've been slacking on my early to bed early to rise schedule, i'm quite tired for 7pm and i'm about to get to yacking on the phone. i know...i'll probably regret it in the morning. i know...

so i've got a question and those of you who read this should feel free to comment. well, maybe it's less of a question and more of a comment that's rooted in the practice of questioning. yeah, i'm not too sure of what i just wrote but i'm too tired to try and make sure it makes sense.

here's the deal: i haven't picked up a red poppy. today was remembrance day. we (the fam) went to the service in our town. it was quite long due to the many wreaths but overall, it was a good time to reflect, to remember what it means to sacrifice self for others. it's not natural to most of us, especially if the "other" isn't someone we know. and speaking of not knowing, i don't know exactly why i haven't picked up a red poppy and pinned it onto my jacket or whatever my outerwear is when i'm in public. i think it has to do with always being a foreigner and never knowing what to call home and not wanting to claim allegiance to any particular country. therefore, to wear a poppy would mean...........

ya, i'm not sure what it would mean. i guess that's what i have to figure out. i don't like wearing something without full knowledge unless it's something entirely founded on momentary fun...like a pointed birthday hat.

apparently

millions of teens across north america blog.

they detail deeply personal things that would shock, and do shock, the pants off their parents.

blogging has replaced the dear old diary in a way that is so public, some teens are paying the price...not only are their parents finding out but so are predators. because of how detailed these teens are, they've become targets of abuse from folks they never dreamed would walk into their lives, potentially ruin their lives.

so i take a moment to reflect on what i've read in the news. and i look at what i do in this space called wordhabit.blogspot.com. it's not the first time i've wondered if i'm being too personal. i know that what i write can be read by the whole wide world...and i don't mind.

truth be told, part of why it's so easy to have a blog is the knowledge that i have no idea who's reading it, judging it, loving it, etc....but i write first of all for me. and i do it online because i'm provided a pleasant space in which to do it and after all these years of computer usage, thoughts flow much better when my fingers tap the keys. i still have many journals. i buy at least one new one a year...if not more. they're more portable and my laptop's a failure. paper and pen still have their place. and since i'm so bad at keeping up with many of my friends, they can keep up with my life by reading it.

lately it's been quite an interesting read, i must say. and it only promises to get better. God's so good ya'll! what's a girl to do but keep on living for Him?

and as i live, i write.

thanks for reading.

the morning after

forgive the title but understand that with mornings come all sorts of regrets and brilliant thoughts, the thoughts that somehow escaped you just hours prior.

the interview was good..............i think. the committee was very inviting, almost too inviting. in retrospect, i feel as if they weren't as hard on me as they could have been. i wasn't looking for a gomery report or any form of inquisition. but maybe if i wasn't so young, and if it weren't so late in the day, they would have thrown a lot more tough questions my way. there were a few good make-you-stop-and-ponder questions. like what would you do if someone you went to visit told you her husband was cheating with someone online. i'm quite sure God answered that one for me.

and i'm quite sure God was with me throughout the interview. i wasn't too nervous. i had to keep my legs still and positioned comfortably to ease the nerves. and i believe that i presented myself well.

BUT!

i didn't talk about the one thing that is, for me, the essence of church stability, church growth, kingdom building, and all that stuff related to the work of the local church.

COMMUNITY!!

i know Deanna, we just talked about it didn't we? and i even jotted some more things down after we spoke. i even reviewed what i'd written yesterday afternoon. but it was nowhere to be found in all i said last night...at least not explicitly. i knew they'd start out with, so tell us more about yourself. i didn't want that question but i'd done a little brainstorming. i should have talked about community then but instead i went on about my passion for young adult ministry...not a bad thing to talk about but there was no other really open opportunity to talk about community.

boo hoo...can't live off regrets right?

right!

one thing i am glad about though, is that they didn't ask, so why do you want this job? i'd thought of an answer for that one too but saying why i want the job is sort of scary...it makes so many things a bit more real...puts me out there a bit more....

anyway, all things considered, i'm okay with the interview. but i'm going to try not to think much more about it before i beat myself over the head with critique.

the committee plans to take its time deciding (which is good) but they hope to have someone in place by january 1, 2006. so don't expect to hear any news anytime soon. but continue to pray that God's will will be done.

do you ever think of how many times God's will isn't done because of our stupidity? we pray Thy will be done but we often choose otherwise....

well, it's just after 9am and i've got too much to do and not enough time already

freedom

is that what we live for? do we work each day so that we don't have to be a slave to something? is that it? because if it is, i'll gladly never work again.

but wait...i think i'm already there. sorry for the rest of you, doing the verb so you don't have to be the noun, missing out on so much, living freely only in theory.

soon you'll breath in theory too, surrounded by "ifs" and "coulds," battered by goals too unrealistic to even dream in theory.

(if you understand all of this, good for you!)

(if you don't understand all of this, that's fine too!)

only a child

tonight i knocked at doors to get donations for the Canadian Diabetes Association. my favourite house had a mum, a little girl, and a little boy.

as the mum went to her purse, the little girl (who couldn't have been more than 6 said, mum, what are you doing?

getting money to give to the canadian diabetes association.

i wanna give some money!

and away she ran to her room and returned moments later with 5 cents! and as far as i'm concerned, it's the best 5 cents in the world!

children...aren't we supposed to be more like them?

my 7-day journey

written on October 6, 2005 around 5 pm

As of 5 and one-quarter hours ago, it's official. In case I haven't yet told you and in case news hasn't made its way through the grapevine, I've submitted my resume for the position of Associate Pastor of the College Heights SDA Church in Lacombe, Alberta.

I'm imagining your various reactions as you read this. One possible reaction is, Amen! Another is, What?!?! Another is, What have I missed? Yet another is, Okay, maybe you need to settle down, rethink things. Your artsy brain needs to be a bit more practical. And my favourite is, But you have English Lit degrees. And if the last option was the first thing to cross your mind, it just goes to show that what God has in mind often has nothing to do with what we have in mind.

In the last seven days, I've learned enough to pack into another book. The most important lesson is that when we tell God we'll do anything He says and we mean it, our lives can change in a moment...we can end up far from where we ever dreamed we'd be and absolutely love it. I recently wrote a poem that holds these words: here's my number Jesus/call me any time it pleases. When I wrote that, I meant every bit of it. But, I was only thinking about the dreams I have, the hopes I have. I wasn't devoting any time to my fears or to the things I've said no to in the past. (Fear is often hard to label "fear" because we don't like admitting to having fear. It's human! Suck it up! )

God has also taught me more about faith, more about devotion, more about time management, more about vision, more about what it takes to know His will...how that foundation takes time to build, though we'll never be perfect. I couldn't have had this journey a year or two ago or even 5 months ago because I wouldn't have known how to approach it...I had other things I needed to deal with first. I probably would have read text after text hoping to find the answer. Should I submit my resume? What does the Bible have to say about submitting resumes for jobs you don't feel qualified to do? It may sound ridiculous but isn't this what we do sometimes? We go to the Bible with the wrong question. The question should be, What does the Bible say about submitting to the will of God? And if we've been growing in our walk with God, another question should be, how has God spoken to me in the past and how can those experiences help me understand what's happening now?

But more important than questioning (because thankfully, the Lord is patient with our questions, sees are inadequacies, and helps us regardless) is getting rid of junk. I hate moving because there is always junk that I haven't yet sorted through that I know shouldn't go to my next home but probably will because I'm lazy. There doesn't seem to be any time to deal with it because I'm so afraid of making time. I think it will consume me. And maybe it will. But it's worth it in the long run because months later, when I have to move again, I'll spend less time packing and I'll be much more optimistic about the move. I had to get rid of a lot of emotional junk in order to be ready for this journey. I had a lot of growing up to do. God knew that. (And I'm not saying that I feel $100 adequate to be a pastor. Oh no! But I know God equips those He calls!) And He could have begun this journey before but He wanted my head and heart to be more at ease. I'm not done growing. I'm not the only option; God can use rocks. But if He desires my non-mainstream self to do His will, I'm in.

Let me make this all a little clearer for you. About two months ago, I started m3ministry I promised God that I would use the gifts He has given me to share hope with others. I knew that I would spend the rest of my life doing 3 things: singing, writing, and teaching. I didn't know exactly where m3ministry would take me. I had no 10-year goal lined up aside from singing at the Ryman and I was prepared for that to simply remain a dream. I only knew for sure that as long as I was doing God's will, I was on the right track. And I had (and still have) every reason to believe that m3ministry is God's will.

So last Thursday, when my pastor asked me if I'd consider submitting my resume, I laughed in his face. I honestly thought he was making a joke to transition into some other topic. But he wasn't joking. He gave me a few more details and I said I'd think on it and pray about it. I spent much of that afternoon laughing about it...one of those nervous laughs that is often accompanied by the words, Oh, this is really crazy and yet it makes sense and freaks me out all at the same time.
I've thought about being a pastor before. Some may think it's only natural since my dad is a pastor and I'm so involved in local church functions. The only thing I think is natural about that is thinking that I'd never do it because of all the politics that I can't stand. I grew up wanting to be a superstar singer not a local church pastor. As my fascination with interpreting the Bible grew and my love for ministering to young adults grew, it was then somewhat natural for me to ask, Should I be going to the seminary? But I saw the seminary as more of an academic fetish than anything else. I'm a nerd. I love school. I love to be in classes with smart profs and smart classmates. And I love hermeneutics! And I love to hear the sound of my own thoughts ringing through my head and spilling out of my mouth in an amazing display of scholarly prowess. Yes, seminary seemed like more of a potential ego trip than anything else. I want to do a PhD in theology but I don't want to do another MA so to the back burner that idea went.

Now, the more I work, the more I see the need for God's light to shine through me in whatever way He chooses. The fact is, I may not get the job...and that's alright. I'll be happy either way because I'm confident that for some reason, I needed to submit my resume. By doing so, I didn't dismiss m3ministry; I simply said, Okay God. I have faith that You're in this. I wanted some assurance that I was doing the right thing. I didn't need to know whether or not I'll be chosen. I just wanted to know if God even wanted the resume.

But He put me in my place, reminding me that I don't always have to know in order to do...otherwise, there's no room for faith. I was afraid of being like the young prophet who heard the word of God then listened to the old prophet and disobeyed God...and died. I didn't think I would die (I'm not that melodramatic) and I didn't doubt my pastor's motivation but I got so caught up in doing the right thing that I almost didn't do it. And I finally admitted the truth, that I was scared out of my mind. I'm not at all mainstream in any stream. I'm not a mainstream black person, I'm not a mainstream SDA, I'm not a mainstream singer, writer, teacher. I'm not even a mainstream woman. And I was afraid that my church needs a mainstream female pastor. But that's not for me to decide. Even though so much of me is against the grain, God uses me for His glory because He gives me what I need as I need it.

When I moved home a year ago, I thought I'd only manage to be here for a year. I had no desire to do anything that would cause me to stay here any longer. Since springtime, I haven't felt that urgency to leave. I’ve never felt as though I’m settling for less than what I somehow deserve…I’ve been busy. By the time this past summer ended, I was even more involved...not just in my church, but in my community. A year ago I would have said, Sorry, I'm just passing through. If I'm given this job, I've already committed to at least 2 years here. And I'm fine with that because it's not about where you live (even though I often talk about how hard it would be to leave beautiful Alberta); it's about what you're doing.

Oh dear, this is now much longer than I ever intended. I wanted to fill all of you in at the same time but in my head, this was only 3 paragraphs and it made perfect sense. I'm sure there's a sentence above that has someone wondering if I really studied English all these years.

But here's the real deal folks. I'm asking that you pray for God's will to be done so that College Heights SDA church can have the associate pastor it needs to have, period. Thanks in advance.

wishing it could be easier

but so many good things are born out of struggle.

so i struggle...i determine that i'll pray on this one thing. i'll pray until i see change. aaahhhhh. man! as i write, i learn. as i learn, i get ticked off. do i really have to pray about that too?

yeah, sorry. no explanations today. just words on screen for my personal benefit.

slowly but

i'm feeling a bit more awake today. by 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon i was wasted. justin and i went to hear the AU symphony play at HPAC. all things considered, it was pretty good. i was quite awake for the first two pieces but after intermission, my eyes really started to ache, the left one in particular. all i wanted to do was curl up in my chair and go to sleep. so i closed my eyes for a bit, hoping the darkness would ease my need for sleep. and every now and then i'd wake up, surprised that i'd been sleeping, afraid of my head dropping.

but each time i hear classical music i wonder why i don't listen to more of it. i guess i don't listen to that much music on a regular basis anyway but classical is so lovely. unfortunately, it often possesses lullaby qualities.

having the howard performing arts center on AU's campus is wonderful. it adds to the professionalism of the place. wish it was here when i was a student......i may return.

last night was nothing but jokes. chanda, jackie, georgie, and i went walking on campus. it was a little after 8 when we departed and around 10 when we returned. we have many night pics to document our fun. not only did we walk off ihop, we laughed off ihop and probably breakfast too. it was great. every day should be full of jokes. for some moments i felt as if i was back in high school and at other moments, i was just glad to be having this much fun at 26. my no means do i feel old but i realize how easy it is to think i'm beyond silly moments.

well, now it's time to repack my bags yet another time. i'm taking the train back to chicago today. i was supposed to go yesterday woke up too late...probably won't catch any of the chicago film festival as i'd hoped. *sigh* mabye next year?

homeward bound...yippee!

10 years...many lessons

ten years ago, i began my senior year of high school. to some that's a ridiculous amount of years. to me, it's simply life.

life's been a whole lot of things...good...bad...stupid...surprising...refreshing........

this weekend was spent with former classmates, their spouses, their children, their growth, their familiar personas, the craziness that is still us....we are who we are and we're not apologizing any longer. well, that's what i hope for.

God's been merciful yet again. all 30-something of us that showed up can testify to that and should testify.

i'm glad i came...now i must start heading back. a few more days away and then reality. thankfuly, it's a reality i love...i love it more than many will ever understand. so i won't try to explain it.

a while

that's what it's been...a while.

haven't done a lot of things in a while.

haven't slept for long.

haven't exercised.

haven't written in this here space.

and most importantly, it seems, i haven't read for a good period of time. it shows as i type and key "write" instead of "right" or "hear" instead of "here"...those are called homophomes in case you didn't know. and i don't even know if that word's spelled write...there i go again. this is one of the few times that i'm thankful "read" isn't "reed"...

yes, i really need sleep.

but i'd rather stay up late chatting with friends, catching up on months of time apart. this weekend is bound to leave me sick and ragged. is it worth it? i'll know on tuesday.

for now, i bask in the sweetness of slow paced berrien springs.

ciaozers.

late nights

tomorrow, or this morning rather, i'll have to go back to bed after everyone is gone. it's already after 1:00am and at this rate i won't make it to actual sleep until 2. and yes, all this could have been avoided if i'd just started out my week correctly.

thankfully tomorrow's not friday.

yeah, i'm kicking myself. i must do better. it's not too much to ask. it's so necessary!

talking to God

that's not faith. knowing that I want you to do something in order for you to do it isn't faith.

are You serious? then what in the world is it? what about abraham? he knew that You wanted him to move to an unknown so he did it. he didn't know what was out there but he heard Your voice so he moved. i'm not asking You to tell me step B. i'm just asking if You want me to do step A because i'm confident of what You've told me to do before all of this became an issue. and i don't want to act out in a way that shows i lack confidence in what You've already said.

no, i didn't have to hear Your voice for my last major decision because it all made sense and i knew that You'd spoken in the past. it took me a while to not only listen but obey. when i finally obeyed, i was just grateful You hadn't given up on me.

so how is that different from now? God, i'm scared out of my mind. i guess that's what it all boils down to. i'm afraid. i'm afraid of what i'll be, or not be. i'm afraid of who i'll have to encounter. i'm afraid of messing up. i'm really afraid of messing up because i know i'm so inadequate. and i'm so not mainstream. and i'm young. and i'm black. and this is a white world...though it's small, it's white. did i mention how not mainstream i am?

so faith. faith is knowing You'll make me adequate and more than adequate. faith is knowing that because my spiritual gifts and pursuits fit completely, i have an okay starting point. faith is knowing that whatever happens, i've got You and You've got me even more. faith is doing this thing that scares me almost as much as losing my right eye.

and after saying that, i suddenly feel as if there's nothing to be afraid of...nothing can be worse than blindness...

unless i let fear blind me...i can't let fear blind me...

here i go God...no, here WE go.

pain produces life and i'm not sure where life's going

in an essential sermon, shot strait from the hip and into my heart, i heard truth. i wish i heard more of it regularly.

today has been weird. it began comme d'habitude....i woke up tired. slowly but surely, i got myself together, ate and all that good stuff. i made it to the week of prayer morning service at cuc...it was a blessing. then i walked out of the church and received an invitation that humbles me and also gives me a sense of honor. i won't discuss it in detail because this isn't one of those things to blab about. i need to think more about it and pray about it. in fact, it's probably something i won't ever discuss in detail until the final results are in.

after lunch i carried on with planned activities. i got materials in order for my esl class, did some more research for my encyclopedia article, ran a few errands. then it was supper time. i ate light -- fruit and such. then i went to my class. it's the first in a weekly series of conversation classes. it was fabulous. my students were so much fun and it was good to see them smiling. i love the classroom! i just hate HATE grading. and with this, there is none of that mess.

afterwards, i went to the evening meeting...another blessing. and now i'm typing away at home, knowing that i should have saved this for the morning and gone to bed right away. but no, writing can't wait. *insert rolled eyes*

and though i'm about to carry on comme d'habitude, prep for bed then go to bed, life is no longer usual. some invitations don't shake your foundation. they simply place you on a new one, one you've often thought about but never dared to dream about.

here i go...

good

not simply how i'm feeling but how i'm seeing life, sensing it's direction...

honesty

it's the word i can't seem to get enough of. it jumps out of my mouth just about every too seconds. i should be honest, you should be honest, we should be honest, too many aren't trying to be honest, we're all afraid of being honest.

and as soon as i want to be honest, i lie, fully conscious of my lie and ready to give myself another lecture, another chance. self-grace...

we lie for self-preservation.
we speak truth for freedom.

lighten up? i'll just keep it real...

am i too rigid? am i so old-school that i can’t chill, have a little fun? no. i just don’t mind playing by the rules. and i know that when you do so, you can still have a whole lot of fun. yes. okay. case closed.

on to other news....i've made some decisions and i really like them. and i find that important...liking the decisions. and i'm excited about following through. and following through requires me to get to bed and sleep so that my morning can be productive.

but before i get there...

it's good to look back then look at now and see a whole lot of positives in the future all because i keep on cutting more crap.

yup.

flash back...flash forward

the last several days have been so busy. i wake up each morning feeling as if i just went to bed. for all the fatigue, i should be rolling in millions by now. but that's alright...i'm rolling in blessings. honestly, i'm not yet where i want to be. you know, traveling singer/writer, performing before scores of faces...yes, i'll admit it; i want a bit of glam. but just enough to ensure that the message of hope reaches as many as possible! i'll be famous if i know it's for a good cause. hee hee. and in the meantime, i'm already seeing God's grace at work and His amazing forms of motivation.

today, for example, a friend told me of a speaking opportunity just gained. i got all excited as if it was my opportunity. i'm just so excited when i think about ministry. it really is the best thing out there regardless of the form it comes in. no, you don't have to be a pastor or a singing evangelist. you just have to be willing to say, here's my number Jesus; call me anytime it pleases. and He calls. and you answer. and it just gets better from there.

right now i'm listening to a new version of an old song Jesus, You're the Centre of My Joy. it's a cappella and fabulous. amidst the lovely chords, the message screams at me. He's centre...not peripheral...not sometimish. He's it. He's where all the good stuff begins and ends.

and as i continue to spend hours working toward my goals, as i daydream about how it can all one day be, i'm confident that where i am right now is where i need to be. it's not all rosey. i'm still confused about some things but they're not the major things. so i'm alright.

Jesus, You're the centre of my joy
all that's good and perfect comes from You
You're the heart of my contentment
Hope for all i do
Jesus, You're the centre of my joy

it's simple folks, really simple.

baby steps

my first official gig....over....good times

9/11, skepticism, realism, build a schism

oprah. oh oprah. here i go to badmouth, once again, one of your shows. but at least this time i watched it for 10 minutes, okay?

alright.

here goes.

the man sound rehearsed. sounds like he told his mother, told his wife, told his brother, told his co-workers, told his baker, told his butcher, told his grandson's history class, told the postman, told his co-workers again, told his local tv station, told that one really dramatic co-worker one more time, then talked to oprah.

rehearsed.

or am i just a skeptic? i can't doubt that he checked in the terrorists. that one has hard evidence. i can't doubt it, not even subconsciously. but i have to wonder. did he really see hatred in that mans eyes? did he really think to himself that this was the face of a terrorist before it all went down? were those real tears just now? does oprah even believe him? she's lookin skeptical too...

let's be real. a person's eyes do say a lot. a cold stare can send chills up and down your spine. but sir, you're such a good storyteller, too good i think. but that's just my opinion, right?

and i'm not here to build schisms, design living spaces for contrary ideologies
i'm not here to pour cheap concrete, lay foundations for things i do not believe...

time

it's been a busy time, these last several days. preparing for a mini-concert and a church performance. my energy levels are crazy and i should get to bed soon to hopefully increase them.

strep throat is evil. how can something that attacks the throat damage your entire body? okay, so maybe not my entire body but hey, when my energy's so low, it seems like my whole body's gone.

anyway, by this time next week, i'll hopefully have a new tune.

till then...

if i'd

if i'd been reacting in an age-appropriate manner to destruction all my life, maybe i'd know how to feel now.

if i'd been honest voicing my frustration with destruction all my life, maybe i'd know how to speak now.

but maybe i can learn. but maybe i don't have to.

i can only feel what rocks my boat. i can only speak of what i know. i know corruption. i know injustice. i know tears. i know frustration. but when they come packaged in a wrapping i've never seen, i'm silent.

katrina is a foreign wrapping. i look at her and have minimal emotions. but i look at what she's unearthed and i stare as a million thoughts run without order through my veins, the thoughts that have kept my blood running, have kept my hands writing.

why must it take us so long to love each other? why do we choose to fight instead of to love?

katrina = reality check

we're americans and we're used to winning -- lou dobbs

sorry lou; that's probably why you're losing now.

i don't mean to sound flippant regarding what's been going down down south but man, it's hard. and all this discussion about who's at fault, who was slow, who has been inefficient, etc., isn't getting anything done except adding to the hot air supply. let's deal with the "who" later, when everyone's been adequately housed and fed. and even though i'd love to slam the president, i'd rather talk about this:

readiness. if a hurricane can be tracked and categorized before it hits and yet thousands are left, due to their poverty (and/or race), to suffer and die, how prepared are we for anything? and who are we most willing to service, to love? when will we decide that spending billions on actual people we can find is more important than spending on a man we can't? what drives our priorities?

and yes, part of this is racial. now listen. how relief efforts work right now may not be racial. BUT. how long has new orleans had such a high rate of poverty among it's african american population? and how much of a desire has the local to federal government had to change that all these years? and how much of that desire has been funded and actualized .......................................... yeah, that's what i thought. not good enough. so now, when all these black folks can't afford to leave home, it's racial. suffering has to begin somewhere. we'd rather go to africa and teach women and children how to read, than educate black folks. yes. it's the truth. and yes, we all reach an age of accountability and should be held accountable for every wrong action we commit to, but when we can't drive black, can't shop black, can't eat black, can't go to a decent school (though no child should be left behind), can't date anyone we like, can't get recognition unless we sing, dance or dunk, can't live anywhere we like, can't, can't, can't...how can we be expected to pack our bags, hop in our toyota and head to higher ground?

step by step. that's often how things grow. that's often how things are torn apart.

am i ready to die? do i have the knowledge and have i lived a godly life that will permit me a quick and safe trip out of this mess one day? and what about others? have i payed them enough active attention to help them leave? will they be ready? yeah, this is a sign of the time and no, we don't have much time.

if i have one, i'm going to name my daughter Katrina. it actually means "pure" but (to me) it now means "reality check" -- my child will walk around with her head high making sure folks know what's what. she'll have a presence that's unprecedented. she'll shake up the status quo causing all sorts of disasters and she'll do it all in the name of love. and in a way, that's the purest thing i know.

what can i say

deeply saddened?

outraged?

grieved?

at a loss for words?

no, honestly, it's hard for me to use any of those when i think about my gut reaction to what's going down in Louisiana.

are you serious?

yes. i've said it before and i'll say it again. it's hard for me to think about a bad situation that isn't affecting me personally, and get very emotional about it. it's not how i react naturally. and it may be the result of years of not reacting to a lot of things. i'm sure i can find a way to blame it on my childhood. but that's not quite what i'm about.

you see, i'm one of those people who, while fully aware that a situation stinks (to say the least), more often than not will say, this is just another sign of the mess we're in and how much closer we are to getting out. i consider myself an optimistic realist. that's up for debate perhaps but instead of pondering the awful nature of life, i'd rather look at the big picture and concoct a way to make things better. no, i don't want to send money to relief efforts. i don't even have money to send. and as far as i'm concerned, Oprah, Bill G, Donald, and a few others need to open their banks along side the U.S. government and there will be enough money. Bush II needs to feed the people by any means necessary, etc, etc.

yes, my role has nothing to do with money. it has everything to do with where i am. the context for my work has nothing to do with Louisiana though my prayers should have everything to do with Louisiana. my context is Lacombe, Alberta (Canada) where thousands of people may not have the understanding of God they should have. and where hundreds aren't getting the kind of food they need. and others aren't getting the kind of clean entertainment they should be. some know nothing of contentment or grace. others have skewed notions of love, etc, etc.

this is where my eyes look, my strength goes. i'm not here to save...i don't have that kind of power. i'm here to use what God's given me every single day.

blessing

that's all i want to be and certainly what i received after listening to a voice i haven't heard in ages! veruschka is her name and her cd recently found its way to my local abc. as i glanced through the featured cds, i was surprised to see a face i actually know. we sang together in our high school choir when i was a senior and she a junior.

i can still remember the moment she said something along the lines of wishing she could sing like me. and i still remember the crazy look i gave her and saying something along the lines of why would you want my voice when you have yours! it's amazing! she could sing back in 1995 and i got to hear her grow during college.

wow! the woman's got chops! and hearing her today was, indeed, a blessing.

laryngitis

now, now when i want to sing, when i want nothing more than to open my mouth and wail, i've got what i think is laryngitis. yes, i'll go to the doctor later on and get an official word. but whatever it is, it sucks rocks! and i'm doing all i can to make it go away. warm lemon water. gargling with a warm salt water solution, not too much talking, not too much laughing (man!), plenty of rest (why?!), and all that other good stuff. and hopefully the good doctor will give me meds to make it disappear sooner. please give me meds!

okay, enough whining, yes?

i need to make a press kit or some sort of info sheet for my ministry.

off to divide and conquer. say a prayer please...

no sunshine

i thought i heard we'd have sunshine and we did this morning. i slept with my window open and woke up warm. by noon it was cold. it's still cold now at 3:40pm. and i've got a cold and all i want to do is watch a movie.

but anyway, it could all be worse. good news is, i've created a set list for my mini-concert. and i haven't had to evacuate my house due to katrina. crazy. i don't know what i'd do in that situation. how much would i try to salvage? would i be a rebel and try to stick it out? would i be dissobedient and return to the scene before it's been cleared? yeah, i must be grateful today...i must be.

well, that's all folks. i'm out of words at the moment.

i don't know

i'm not sure what it is i'm not able to know but i feel as if i don't. it's weird. it's an "off" feeling. like when you know a certain food is no longer good but you're not sure how exactly you know--there's no funky smell, no mold--but you just know it's off.

i don't know...perhaps it's just that i've been awake for many hours and i didn't do all i wanted to do today. like walk. i wanted to walk down to the lake and write. i guess i can do that tomorrow. it'll be warm again (so they say) so i'd better make the most of it.

so much to do. so little enthusiasm.

i have to plan a mini-concert. wow. there's something i know...but how do i do it?

dead

that's what my optical nerve is. dead. and there's no human remedy presently available to wake it.

a miracle.

to be honest, i'm tired of praying for one. i got tired almost 2 years ago, not that long after my optical nerve died.

i'm not sure how i feel about how i feel and what that says about my faith or my spiritual journey or my personal relationship with God. i know it says that i'm human and humans tire.

but i'm quite alive otherwise. i'm still fighting laziness and other beasts of the field.

btk -- billy the kid?

no. bind torture kill (in case you aren't up on the news).

he's getting all life sentences with no possibility of parole until 40 years from now when he'll be 100. and if he's put among the prisons general population with no one to guard his safety, he'll be lucky to live even half those years. madness. the prosecution is wicked. yeah, rader's no poster child for huggies but boy does he need a hug!

i like to think he's repentant. maybe i'm too hopeful. i certainly see no point in wishing death upon him....remember, that's just like killing him. then i'd have to go on trial and we know that would just be too dramatic. all the crying...i just couldn't take it. my eyes would get puffy. oh no!

but seriously though, it takes too much energy to hate and wishing that someone would die....well, i just pray i never do.

be thou kind (before the kingdom).

peace

so....

went to the doctor.

not pleased.

felt dismissed from the moment she walked through the door.

felt like smacking her upside her head.

and you know, it's not because she didn't say what i wanted to hear. it's because she didn't try to explore the notion that taking an aspirin a day will be damaging. it's that she didn't try to express any concern for the fact that i'm trying to be proactive about my future. i didn't say i don't want to take medication. i didn't claim to have a better way. i simply asked for an alternative. how is it possible for there to be NO alternatives? can i get a referral? can you suggest i read book x on the topic? can you recognize my desire for knowledge and help a sister out?

when i taught english composition, i tried to always find alternatives. if the student couldn't grasp something one way, i tried something else. if they weren't a audio learner i tried visual. some worked better with groups than alone so we did both. that's what the students needed. all i want from a doctor is some out of the box thinking. i don't need them to know all the natural remedies. i recognize the tension between the two camps. i'm not asking for a defector i just need someone to recognize the fact that i need info, i care for my body, i want what's best, and i'm willing to do what it takes to get the best. maybe i should write a letter the next time i go to a doctor explaining my intentions and expectations. i'll hand it to him/her at the beginning of our appointment and if they react well, i'll proceed to discuss my problem. if they push their nose up, i'll leave.

simple. yeah right.

anyway, since i've only been on aspirin for roughly 2 years no 22, i may continue. but this fight ain't over. i will not be bound to a drug forever. i will not.

no computer

my laptop decided to lose it's mind this morning. apparently, there's some sort of error in the system that needs some fixin. i was sad when my dad took it to get looked at. i felt as if a part of me was sick. i know, it's sad. i'm addicted to my laptop. but it's all for a good cause....i think.

the plus side of it all is that i got other stuff done. i got to explore more of my creative side as i made a couple of cards. i found out that old cards are good for more than making little jewelry boxes. they can actually become new cards. and with care, big envelopes can become small envelopes....yeah, i'm sure that really intrigues you.

anyway, i'm on the hunt for better health methods. it's hard to decide between meds and natural ideas. though part of my decision making will be made based on what i'm told by doctors, i realize that they don't always say all they could say. they often want you out of their office asap so they shove a prescription in your hand or, better yet, tell you about an over the counter that'll do the trick. but i will sit in ignorance no longer! i'm going to do my research so that when i see the good doctor, i have relevant questions, comments, insights, etc. -- sometimes they just need to know that you're not just there to get a sugar pill. you're for real. you're not some nut case with a chronic case of nuttiness.

when they thought i had a heart problem and were doing all sorts of heart tests, i researched the heart. i figured out how the blood flows, why it goes in a certain pattern, the various conditions that interrupt that pattern. i went into a checkup one day with a bunch of questions and a printout of a heart with labels and all. the doctor was a bit surprised, i could tell. but he respected my efforts and took the time to break it all down a bit more as it related to my specific crazy situation.

but there come times when it's all a bit overwhelming and all i want is a quick fix or at least a quick reassurance of some sort. we'll see what tomorrow brings. and the day after and......this may have a happy ending while here on earth. it may not. i prefer the former but believe the latter. does that mean i don't have faith? i don't think so. i just keep on learning that not all is rosey but that that doesn't determine whether or not i die smiling :)

i've become a fighter.

5:30am

i just had a really great chill season with a guy who's like a little brother...he's actually one of my little brother's friends. i'm getting together with a few folks to sing an a cappella number this weekend; he's one of them. we talked for a couple of hours. it's amazing how easy it is to be real, give advice, swap music ideas, share concerns and have fun all at the same time. i have a responsibility to those younger than i. it's kind of scary to admit that at times. i don't often understand how and why others look up to me. when i find that out, i say a prayer for guidance and mutter this is bizarre under my breath. and God hears and He says, yes, it is bizarre; you're seriously human. and i say, why yes, i am. so why'd you pick me? and He says, you'll be fine; just be honest.

so i'm being honest or trying to. my "little brother" asked how i can be so chill about being single. that question is sort of like a child asking its parent how Jesus and God are different and the same. you just don't have all the answers the child needs. you can't explain it perfectly. you have to explain it based on your understanding of and relation to it. you can't get philosophical. you can't pull out the bible (you could but you'd probably get a blank stare). you simply speak from your heart without getting all emotional.

sidebar: as time passes, i find out who's reading my blog and then think of how fun it could be to write complete untruths, start a few rumors, kick up a bit of dust...

oh, yeah, about "5:30". it's a really good time to wake up if i've had enough sleep. hopefully it'll happen again tomorrow even though i had a very late supper.

i feel as if there's so much more to write. i guess there is but i'm just nackered!

yeah

i need some time...give me a few minutes, or hours...tomorrow's good.

okay, maybe just a few minutes. i need to write. so here:

i'm starting a new ministry which is, in a way, like starting a new life. it's called m3ministry and instead of telling you a whole lot about it, i'll allow you to check the site and give me feedback. it needs some more adjustments and additions but for now, that's what i've got down. i'm going to keep it as simple as possible and update it as often as possible.

the ministry is a huge step for me. i'm kicking fear and venturing into waters that may be deep, muddy, shark or crock infested, or even frozen over. but i'm heading out. i've got the gear i presently need and other gear may be purchased, borrowed, or accepted in gift form (preferably) along the journey.

i ask for your prayers. i'm happy about my decision. it's a peace-giving decision.

mad as hell

i just read the side effects of aspirin. why didn't you do that before? you may ask...well, i trust most doctors. and when you've experienced something as crazy as sight loss and your doctor tells you that 81 mg of aspirin per day is a good thing because it seems that your sight loss is the result of a blood clot (and resulting stroke), you take 81 mg of aspirin per day. you don't question it; you're scared and you want to do everything you're told so as to prevent any more sight loss. and hey, many doctors take 81 mg per day so why should you worry?

you worry because now you're experiencing what seems like a side effect and even though you should first go to a doctor, ask questions, get a proper diagnosis, you just want to smack a doctor, any doctor and say why don't you tell a patient everything all the time?

but i shouldn't get all worked up and irrational, right. i should be calm, make an appointment first thing tomorrow, right? i should just say a prayer and be hopeful, right? right?

if i die smiling, it probably won't have anything to do with my health. i hope i don't die angry. that'd be a shame.

don't worry; this isn't a death prophecy, just a mad-as-hell commentary. the next entry will be positive and won't mention the "d" word.

so, i guess i have to

take a step back and say that the oprah episode i spoke of wasn't actually a piece of trash. i suppose i should have watched it before judging. i was told by my sister that it was actually a good view, informational in fact. don't judge a book by it's cover, blah, blah, blah....i'm still learning that lesson.

in other news, i have a new slogan:

die smiling!

it can be taken literally if you like, but i think of it figuratively. it's all about contentment. it's all about living a life that enables me to look back while on my death bed (should i have a bed...i may have a plane or a car or a sidewalk) and know that i've lived well.

it's about living honestly, doing exactly what God says when He says, walking with purpose, making the most of 24 hours, getting enough sleep whenever possible, making sleep a priority, eating well, exercising well, writing well, and singing like my life depends on it--because it does.

things to be thankful for:

i'm getting rid of the nashville weight
i feel as if i'm getting a job that won't consume all my energy
i'm heading in a direction God wants me in
i ate some nice tasting mango
i'll be in bed by 11 tonight

things to be upset about:

i ate too much mango
maybe i won't get to bed by 11 tonight
dialup feels slower and slower every day
i haven't spent enough time working on my writing lately

things to smile over:

an old family friend is here for a few days and she's lovely
i got nashville pics developed
i've been name dropping almost all day long

and:

things really seem to be lining up. i mean, it's not like i'm getting all sort of money tossed my way and it's not like i'm getting a recording contract...that's not my definition of "lining up." what i'm meaning is that i just have a strong knowledge that i'm on the right road, in the right story, seeing the proper sun. it's good. but stuff like this takes time. this isn't overnight magic.

sophisticated

i warmed up my lunch and took it downstairs in hopes of watching something good while i ate. (you should know that i hardly watch television because there's hardly ever anything worthwhile on. and by worthwhile i mean, worthy of my time away from the many other things that occupy each precious moment that graces my life.) having not seen oprah in a while, i found the right channel and hoped for the best. a commercial was on so i clicked the "info" button and read "seven cheating husbands confess while their wives sit backstage." with disgust, i quickly changed the channel, remembering a recent comment i'd made to a friend: "oprah's just a sophisticated version of jerry springer." here was my proof.

as i chewed my food and scrolled through the guide, i realized that if i really wanted a worthwhile viewing, i'd better go to CNN or BBC but i didn't want the news so i kept on scrolling.

ah, finally! fashion file. surely it wouldn't disappoint me. while i probably wouldn't learn something mind boggling, i knew it would at least be a fun way to spend the rest of my lunch break. a designer was being interviewed; she spoke of the importance of creating timeless pieces not trendy things that only last six months. i nodded in agreement as more rice and stew entered my system. yummy. good job mum!

a few moments later, a design duo from london, england was being reviewed. a very unique collection. i wouldn't wear it but yay for london!

last on the program was a designer whose work is, apparently, fabulous. her latest line is influenced by jamaica, apparently. apparently she's taken rasta wear and made it sophisticated. there's that word again. but this time (maybe because i didn't say it) it annoyed me. what exactly is sophisticated rasta wear? and who are you to decide? really, will it really catch on? will it really influence the fashion world? sorry to burst your opinion bubble but rastafari has influenced the world for years already. but since this designer has taken the colours and the "embroidered hats" and put them on scrawny tall model skin, the fashion world must watch out, huh?

sophisticate this!

take your privileged self and do something useful for once. save the world, really.

...i write all this then realize....you don't have to be rich to sophisticate something. you just have to believe the your way of doing something is worthy of more praise and more money. yes, it is about ben franklin. yes, i've probably done it too.

but i can't think of an instance so i'll keep on complaining about the rich...

networking

what's to much in the networking world? selling one's soul, i guess. and that's certainly not what i want to do. i'd much rather sit back and have people just knock down my door but that's not going to happen. i have to be assertive. i have to be a go-getter. it's so not my style.

so i went to a pentacostal church today. i've wanted to go for a while now, hear it was a nice congregation...i wasn't disappointed. it's the first time i've had communion outside of the sda church. there was no foot washing, just grape juice and crackers (i much prefer communion bread)....

anyway, after church, i met a few people. they just turned around and introduced themselves. one lady asked me what i do. i said i'm looking for a job (yes, i'm actually looking now that my bank account is ugly). she told me that the baptist church is looking for a secretary. she also asked if i'd be interested in living at their house for a few months. they (the couple) will be out of town and don't want their daughter home alone. they'd like nice christian girls to live with her. rent is cheap. the house is massive. she said her husband suggested she ask me. she'd never met me. what made them think i was a nice christian girl before i'd even opened my mouth? i dunno. she said that maybe this was all meant to be (our meeting, her telling me about the job, etc.) i agreed.

we'll see, won't we!

in other news, it's almost 10:30pm and i'm heading to bed! television is really crap, a definite waste of time, a disgusting reminder of human frailty....except for bbc news and home improvement shows. ha

high speed

while the loading of my blog reminds me of how nice it would be to have a speedier internet connection, being home reminds me of how i felt exactly a year ago when i returned to alberta from chicago not wanting to work but feeling an extreme urge to be doing something like work.

let me explain the whole work thing. i don't like doing it because it's often a chore. "dud" may be your response to that sentence but listen, i'm tired of working. i just want to have fun. and i realize that when i'm enjoying my job, the word "work" doesn't come into play.

so...even though i felt rejuvenated a few days ago and said that as soon as i come home, i'll get cracking, i'm now back to that scared state. do i do music? do i continue to write? do i do both? do i try to find a teaching job? (NO to that one) do i get a plane ticket to london and mooch off my grandmothers for a while? (NO again)

yeah, i need a rigorous schedule. it does wonders, really. for two weeks, my days were planned so well that i treasure every drop of sleep. i have come back with the same idea about sleep, though. that's good. i was in bed before 11pm last night! i've made some progress. if nothing else, nashville taught me to go to bed early whenever possible...and it taught me a whole lot more too.

i learned to face my fears. i've hung my music school name tag (we had to wear it in order to eat in the caf) on my master's grad cap which sits on my masters diploma which hangs on my wall. i've graduated from fear.

it's time to work...

i'm back at home

i'm fat (okay, so maybe i'm not fat but i've gained weight and must work seriously on getting rid of my new stomach and thighs).

i'm tired.

and i feel as if the last two weeks were a dream. i lived them so quickly. i want to relive them or get an extension of them. i'm afraid i'll forget them like a good week of prayer or something.

to bed!

it's

over

i didn't have time to detail this last night. after the program, i went to eat with ben speer and several other people. it was a nice way to end the day. but i kind of wish we'd ended with a really calm fire-side sort of fellowship. we didn't need to sing camp fire songs, i just wish i'd had more time to chill and recap with some of the folk. thankfully, i'll get to spend a little more time with my roommate allison from sunday night to tuesday afternoon.

but i didn't get to say goodbye to kyle, elissa, and lori. instead, i made a last minute decision to get a ride with tiana down to chattanooga, where i'm spending time with michelle, one of my closet friends of the last 15 years. i'm glad i came last night (this morning, rather) because it meant michelle didn't have to pick me up and do a quick turn around. it's just 2 hours but nonetheless, tiana needed the company and it was good to get to know her better. she's a fun girl with a lovely voice.

i'm sad about not being able to say bye to eric. i slipped a little note onto his windshield. he's received it by now.

i'm going to try to keep in touch with as many people as possible. like the 14 yr old writer (her name escapes me....chelsea?) who i talked with for a long while at lunch on friday. i'd purposefully sat alone off in the corner of the cafeteria so that i could spend time writing.

are you a writer? she asked?

a bit surprised by the question i said, why, yes!

and she, in her wonderfully honest spirit said, anyone with a journal like that and a pen like that must be a writer.

the conversation flowed from there. i asked her about her writing, who she reads, etc. i tried to give her as much advice as i could in the short time we had together. i wish i'd met her sooner. but hopefully she'll email. i gave her my card.

cards are key! if you don't have cards, make cards. it's simple. you can do it in word and print it out yourself. just buy the blank cards from walmart, staples, any office supply store. you can even use an ink jet printer. and don't get the cards with perforated edges. spend the extra dollar or whatever it is and get the kind that have clean edges.

okay; enough of that.

i also got to spend some time talking to tj. he's about 17 i think. he'll be a high school senior this fall and wants to study music. he has a great voice...just needs to come more into his own style but that'll happen in time. we sat on the steps of mclurkin hall and discussed his plans.

it's quite humbling when i realized that teenagers look up to me. it makes me watch myself more closely. it makes me rethink who i am and how i function. i remember to be honest and to be an encourager. that's what teens need. yes, they need the hand of correction but they also need perfect strangers to be real and helpful and, most importantly, to love unconditionally.

by friday afternoon, i felt very queezy. i knew that if i could throw up or get 3 hours of sleep, i'd feel much better. neither option was a possibility. so i prayed for a miracle. rehearsal for the concert was horrible. i sang, wanting to sing as if my life depended on it but not being able to get passed the fact that i felt week, was exhausted and cold, and just wanted a warm bed and the soothing voice of someone i love. i didn't want to sing. i wasn't happy. so i prayed for a miracle.

and i got it. by 6 pm, when the concert began, i was ready to sing. and i sang. my only regret is that i hadn't practiced enough. the ending wasn't as powerful as it could have been. i'll have to critique myself more accurately when i get the dvd. i dread having to watch myself but i'll get over it.

the quartet piece was fun! i'm so glad i got to sing with those guys. i'll enjoy watching that one, i know.

and now i can't think of what else to say except that allison durham speer told me to email her because she has some personal stuff she wants to discuss with me. woo hoo! so i emailed her a few minutes ago. she'll be a great contact. i have several great contacts. i just hope to be real with them and actually stay in touch. i get all shy and stuff, you know. and i wonder, do they really want to talk to me?

oh, my friend joseph drove up and the three of us visited for a few hours tonight. it was really nice to be able to enjoy each other's company. no drama. just a room full of love. 15 yrs later, we're such different people (except for our crazy tendencies :))

anything else? if i remember, i'll tell you tomorrow.

i'm in

so yeah, i'm in...twice. solo and quartet! i'm praising God. the quartet is hot. we had so much fun last night. and we're each so different so together we make a very very unique mix. the bass is a typical male bass singer. then there's me. the lead is a girl with a lot of blues background. her voice is similar to elvis but with a bit more of a low edge (don't know really how to describe it) then the topo harmony is a bluegrass girl with the twang in her voice. it's so crazy how we actually work. that's what hours of practice will enable. and our name is fabulous. "three angels and him"

i know you like that!

my name was called first and i got all excited and relieved. i'd try to convince myself that if i didn't make it, i would be cool. after all, i didn't come here to show out.

but, let's be real. i would have been devastated.

but now i'm cloud 9ing!

and i've got to take a quick nap and get back a bit of energy. last night i was out till midnight with some friends and ben speer. hehee. i love dropping names. my boy ben was out chillin with me and gang last night. okay. yeah. for real though, it was a load of fun!

and now i'm a bit more wasted.

there was something else i wanted to talk about last night when i should have written but didn't due to my desire to go out and eat instead. singing from the heart takes all the carbs out of the system.

oh, yes. there's a 15 yr old boy in my theory class who has a wicked bass voice. oh my word! last night during auditions i was shocked out of my mind! afterward i kept hitting him (playfully of course like a big sister hits a little brother) and saying how great his voice is. he smiled that lovely little boy smile and said thank you in his louisiana accent.

i now have quite a few little brothers, all of whom i'll miss quite a bit when all is over. i can't imagine what next week will be like. no theory class to go to. no group singing. none of these folks will be in my space. i know i'll cry tonight. man!

coming here is one of the best decisions i've ever made! i'm going to give it my all tonight, sing like my life depends on it because it does.

ya'll God's eyes still work. He's still watching over us. He still cares which way we move. so i'm going to sing because i'm happy and because i'm free.

wooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!