over
i didn't have time to detail this last night. after the program, i went to eat with ben speer and several other people. it was a nice way to end the day. but i kind of wish we'd ended with a really calm fire-side sort of fellowship. we didn't need to sing camp fire songs, i just wish i'd had more time to chill and recap with some of the folk. thankfully, i'll get to spend a little more time with my roommate allison from sunday night to tuesday afternoon.
but i didn't get to say goodbye to kyle, elissa, and lori. instead, i made a last minute decision to get a ride with tiana down to chattanooga, where i'm spending time with michelle, one of my closet friends of the last 15 years. i'm glad i came last night (this morning, rather) because it meant michelle didn't have to pick me up and do a quick turn around. it's just 2 hours but nonetheless, tiana needed the company and it was good to get to know her better. she's a fun girl with a lovely voice.
i'm sad about not being able to say bye to eric. i slipped a little note onto his windshield. he's received it by now.
i'm going to try to keep in touch with as many people as possible. like the 14 yr old writer (her name escapes me....chelsea?) who i talked with for a long while at lunch on friday. i'd purposefully sat alone off in the corner of the cafeteria so that i could spend time writing.
are you a writer? she asked?
a bit surprised by the question i said, why, yes!
and she, in her wonderfully honest spirit said, anyone with a journal like that and a pen like that must be a writer.
the conversation flowed from there. i asked her about her writing, who she reads, etc. i tried to give her as much advice as i could in the short time we had together. i wish i'd met her sooner. but hopefully she'll email. i gave her my card.
cards are key! if you don't have cards, make cards. it's simple. you can do it in word and print it out yourself. just buy the blank cards from walmart, staples, any office supply store. you can even use an ink jet printer. and don't get the cards with perforated edges. spend the extra dollar or whatever it is and get the kind that have clean edges.
okay; enough of that.
i also got to spend some time talking to tj. he's about 17 i think. he'll be a high school senior this fall and wants to study music. he has a great voice...just needs to come more into his own style but that'll happen in time. we sat on the steps of mclurkin hall and discussed his plans.
it's quite humbling when i realized that teenagers look up to me. it makes me watch myself more closely. it makes me rethink who i am and how i function. i remember to be honest and to be an encourager. that's what teens need. yes, they need the hand of correction but they also need perfect strangers to be real and helpful and, most importantly, to love unconditionally.
by friday afternoon, i felt very queezy. i knew that if i could throw up or get 3 hours of sleep, i'd feel much better. neither option was a possibility. so i prayed for a miracle. rehearsal for the concert was horrible. i sang, wanting to sing as if my life depended on it but not being able to get passed the fact that i felt week, was exhausted and cold, and just wanted a warm bed and the soothing voice of someone i love. i didn't want to sing. i wasn't happy. so i prayed for a miracle.
and i got it. by 6 pm, when the concert began, i was ready to sing. and i sang. my only regret is that i hadn't practiced enough. the ending wasn't as powerful as it could have been. i'll have to critique myself more accurately when i get the dvd. i dread having to watch myself but i'll get over it.
the quartet piece was fun! i'm so glad i got to sing with those guys. i'll enjoy watching that one, i know.
and now i can't think of what else to say except that allison durham speer told me to email her because she has some personal stuff she wants to discuss with me. woo hoo! so i emailed her a few minutes ago. she'll be a great contact. i have several great contacts. i just hope to be real with them and actually stay in touch. i get all shy and stuff, you know. and i wonder, do they really want to talk to me?
oh, my friend joseph drove up and the three of us visited for a few hours tonight. it was really nice to be able to enjoy each other's company. no drama. just a room full of love. 15 yrs later, we're such different people (except for our crazy tendencies :))
anything else? if i remember, i'll tell you tomorrow.
30.7.05
29.7.05
i'm in
so yeah, i'm in...twice. solo and quartet! i'm praising God. the quartet is hot. we had so much fun last night. and we're each so different so together we make a very very unique mix. the bass is a typical male bass singer. then there's me. the lead is a girl with a lot of blues background. her voice is similar to elvis but with a bit more of a low edge (don't know really how to describe it) then the topo harmony is a bluegrass girl with the twang in her voice. it's so crazy how we actually work. that's what hours of practice will enable. and our name is fabulous. "three angels and him"
i know you like that!
my name was called first and i got all excited and relieved. i'd try to convince myself that if i didn't make it, i would be cool. after all, i didn't come here to show out.
but, let's be real. i would have been devastated.
but now i'm cloud 9ing!
and i've got to take a quick nap and get back a bit of energy. last night i was out till midnight with some friends and ben speer. hehee. i love dropping names. my boy ben was out chillin with me and gang last night. okay. yeah. for real though, it was a load of fun!
and now i'm a bit more wasted.
there was something else i wanted to talk about last night when i should have written but didn't due to my desire to go out and eat instead. singing from the heart takes all the carbs out of the system.
oh, yes. there's a 15 yr old boy in my theory class who has a wicked bass voice. oh my word! last night during auditions i was shocked out of my mind! afterward i kept hitting him (playfully of course like a big sister hits a little brother) and saying how great his voice is. he smiled that lovely little boy smile and said thank you in his louisiana accent.
i now have quite a few little brothers, all of whom i'll miss quite a bit when all is over. i can't imagine what next week will be like. no theory class to go to. no group singing. none of these folks will be in my space. i know i'll cry tonight. man!
coming here is one of the best decisions i've ever made! i'm going to give it my all tonight, sing like my life depends on it because it does.
ya'll God's eyes still work. He's still watching over us. He still cares which way we move. so i'm going to sing because i'm happy and because i'm free.
wooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know you like that!
my name was called first and i got all excited and relieved. i'd try to convince myself that if i didn't make it, i would be cool. after all, i didn't come here to show out.
but, let's be real. i would have been devastated.
but now i'm cloud 9ing!
and i've got to take a quick nap and get back a bit of energy. last night i was out till midnight with some friends and ben speer. hehee. i love dropping names. my boy ben was out chillin with me and gang last night. okay. yeah. for real though, it was a load of fun!
and now i'm a bit more wasted.
there was something else i wanted to talk about last night when i should have written but didn't due to my desire to go out and eat instead. singing from the heart takes all the carbs out of the system.
oh, yes. there's a 15 yr old boy in my theory class who has a wicked bass voice. oh my word! last night during auditions i was shocked out of my mind! afterward i kept hitting him (playfully of course like a big sister hits a little brother) and saying how great his voice is. he smiled that lovely little boy smile and said thank you in his louisiana accent.
i now have quite a few little brothers, all of whom i'll miss quite a bit when all is over. i can't imagine what next week will be like. no theory class to go to. no group singing. none of these folks will be in my space. i know i'll cry tonight. man!
coming here is one of the best decisions i've ever made! i'm going to give it my all tonight, sing like my life depends on it because it does.
ya'll God's eyes still work. He's still watching over us. He still cares which way we move. so i'm going to sing because i'm happy and because i'm free.
wooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!
28.7.05
prayers answered
they announced this morning that the rules have changed for all. we can audition for both solo and group. so that's happening this evening. i'm going to eat lunch quickly then practice a bit before afternoon classes begin.
my stomach doesn't feel good (too much info?) maybe it's a combo of nervousness, fatigue and too much sugar. when i first got here, i was eating well balanced meals. the last couple of days have been filled with a bit too much sweet stuff. for breakfast i had 3 biscuits with jelly and a cup of tea. yesterday i had 3 biscuits with jelly, a cup of tea, and a bowl of frosted flakes.
but don't worry mum, i'm doing fine.
:)
my stomach doesn't feel good (too much info?) maybe it's a combo of nervousness, fatigue and too much sugar. when i first got here, i was eating well balanced meals. the last couple of days have been filled with a bit too much sweet stuff. for breakfast i had 3 biscuits with jelly and a cup of tea. yesterday i had 3 biscuits with jelly, a cup of tea, and a bowl of frosted flakes.
but don't worry mum, i'm doing fine.
:)
27.7.05
thank You
God!
tonight was better. i began by taking a 10 minute breather in a building i'd never entered here before. i sat in the foyer that was lovingly quiet except for the young man locking things up. it's okay; you can stay. so i did. i just sat there as my stomach tried to untie its knots. all my anxiety and frustration had landed there. they discussed the pros and cons of their new home. as i walked through my thoughts, they slowly took up residence outside of me.
i took stephen's advice. every time you open you sing you must mean it. sing like your life depends on it.
i suppose i'll just keep on popping ibuprofen (sp?) for my swollen vocal chords, hoping it has no crazy side effects.
i don't know if i want to audition for friday night's program as a solo act. the quartet is sounding good. we're going with plan "a". food for thought: don't get too many opinions. one seasoned voice is enough. three seasoned voices are like crows squawking to protect their children: you understand their noise but you could do without it. (okay, maybe that wasn't the best of analogies...)
my reason for hesitating to audition boils down to politics. i see it. i understand who favours who. i'm not mad about the favouritism. i'm mad about the rules that are bent or reworked as a result. i don't know if they'll bend the rules for me. i don't know that i'm that special. i do know that ben speer knows my name :) but anyway...even if i can sing, i'm just here to minister through music, not to show off my great chops, not to drive the crowd crazy, not to get a million dollar deal.
yes, this is my fear speaking. let me break it down for you. in the past, singers can only perform once for the friday night program. so if you're in a group, you can't do a solo. however, i was told our quartet was an exception. i don't want to get caught up in the mess. i don't want to be looked upon as one of those who gets to break the rules. i don't want the politics to interfere with the ministry. i'm afraid of being ineffective. but i also know that many are expecting me to sing...do i do it just because i believe my song will be a blessing?
i'm praying about it. i told God to let me know what to do in the morning. i know that regardless of rules and public opinion, His word can and will get out. i'm just making sure i'm the right vessel for friday night.
please pray for me.
goodnight.
tonight was better. i began by taking a 10 minute breather in a building i'd never entered here before. i sat in the foyer that was lovingly quiet except for the young man locking things up. it's okay; you can stay. so i did. i just sat there as my stomach tried to untie its knots. all my anxiety and frustration had landed there. they discussed the pros and cons of their new home. as i walked through my thoughts, they slowly took up residence outside of me.
i took stephen's advice. every time you open you sing you must mean it. sing like your life depends on it.
i suppose i'll just keep on popping ibuprofen (sp?) for my swollen vocal chords, hoping it has no crazy side effects.
i don't know if i want to audition for friday night's program as a solo act. the quartet is sounding good. we're going with plan "a". food for thought: don't get too many opinions. one seasoned voice is enough. three seasoned voices are like crows squawking to protect their children: you understand their noise but you could do without it. (okay, maybe that wasn't the best of analogies...)
my reason for hesitating to audition boils down to politics. i see it. i understand who favours who. i'm not mad about the favouritism. i'm mad about the rules that are bent or reworked as a result. i don't know if they'll bend the rules for me. i don't know that i'm that special. i do know that ben speer knows my name :) but anyway...even if i can sing, i'm just here to minister through music, not to show off my great chops, not to drive the crowd crazy, not to get a million dollar deal.
yes, this is my fear speaking. let me break it down for you. in the past, singers can only perform once for the friday night program. so if you're in a group, you can't do a solo. however, i was told our quartet was an exception. i don't want to get caught up in the mess. i don't want to be looked upon as one of those who gets to break the rules. i don't want the politics to interfere with the ministry. i'm afraid of being ineffective. but i also know that many are expecting me to sing...do i do it just because i believe my song will be a blessing?
i'm praying about it. i told God to let me know what to do in the morning. i know that regardless of rules and public opinion, His word can and will get out. i'm just making sure i'm the right vessel for friday night.
please pray for me.
goodnight.
what's the plan?
i came here to learn. i came to be a student, to sit at the feet of knowledge for two weeks. the weekend was my break. now i just want to keep on treading through all the theory and all the groups singing, etc.
but some folks are here to make a name. and yes, i must admit, it's nice to be recognized, to be told a lot of positive things. and i enjoy every opportunity i have to share the mercy of God. so yes, i enjoy performance times.
however, i didn't come here to be a superstar and give up time i should be eating to practice. i guess i'm not that hard chore at this moment, not for now. i have a particular agenda and now find myself wrapped in another agenda. i'm singing in a quartet for the final program. somehow we're already on the program without auditioning. politics. it's who you know and who likes their knowledge of you. so where in. and we've been spending a whole lot of time practicing. which is why i'm a bit of a grouch. i'd rather make sure i've eaten and had enough sleep than practice.
here's the lesson in this. make sure, when working with a group, that the rest of your members have the same vision you do. make sure they have the same drive you do. make sure they have the same idea of sacrifice. i didn't form the group. i'm not on the same wavelength as the others. i don't have the desire to skip lunch in order to get something sounding good. it's not that deep to me. maybe it should be. i know my part and those that don't know theirs know what to work on. i got mad 'cause i missed part of theory class as a result of all the practice. i didn't come here to get recognition. when i get it i consider it a blessing, the sprinkles on top. i came here to be a student.
and wouldn't you know it, i'm learning more than i want to. i'm learning more of what it takes to be a team player. i don't want to play. i have an agenda. i want theory, ear training, sight seeing.
i'll write more later.
but some folks are here to make a name. and yes, i must admit, it's nice to be recognized, to be told a lot of positive things. and i enjoy every opportunity i have to share the mercy of God. so yes, i enjoy performance times.
however, i didn't come here to be a superstar and give up time i should be eating to practice. i guess i'm not that hard chore at this moment, not for now. i have a particular agenda and now find myself wrapped in another agenda. i'm singing in a quartet for the final program. somehow we're already on the program without auditioning. politics. it's who you know and who likes their knowledge of you. so where in. and we've been spending a whole lot of time practicing. which is why i'm a bit of a grouch. i'd rather make sure i've eaten and had enough sleep than practice.
here's the lesson in this. make sure, when working with a group, that the rest of your members have the same vision you do. make sure they have the same drive you do. make sure they have the same idea of sacrifice. i didn't form the group. i'm not on the same wavelength as the others. i don't have the desire to skip lunch in order to get something sounding good. it's not that deep to me. maybe it should be. i know my part and those that don't know theirs know what to work on. i got mad 'cause i missed part of theory class as a result of all the practice. i didn't come here to get recognition. when i get it i consider it a blessing, the sprinkles on top. i came here to be a student.
and wouldn't you know it, i'm learning more than i want to. i'm learning more of what it takes to be a team player. i don't want to play. i have an agenda. i want theory, ear training, sight seeing.
i'll write more later.
26.7.05
saying goodbye
i know it's not yet friday but i've already had to say goodbye.
his name is Tinker. he's 64. about 6'4. slim build. a nice crop of grey hair. mustache. a rich low voice. he's simply wonderful. (don't worry, i haven't fallen in love with a man old enough to be my grand/dad.)
Tinker was kind to me from day one. i often wonder what draws people to me and i to them. the same's true for Tinker and me. every moment i saw him or spoke to him, i felt absolutely comfortable. and since i'm not always the friendliest of people (i'm still working on not looking sour) it was kind of surprising to me that he was immediately drawn to me. i soon found out why.
he's a southern white gentleman with 3 black daughters. it's something frowned upon in these parts. i didn't ask for the history behind it all. he simply showed me pictures and i understood. i was like a daughter to him. and i know he missed them while being here. he returned early because they have basketball camp.
last night, when i found out he was leaving, i quickly made sure that we got a picture together. it was so precious. he's so precious. this morning, i saw him one last time at breakfast as i stood in line to get my food. he often wears a serious face but when he smiles, he smiles. this morning i didn't see the smile. i saw sadness. he looked down at me and said, don't you get in my head now, with a look of love in his eyes and a sort of sarcastic regret in his voice...i was already there. i did all i could to stop from crying. i'm almost crying writing this. i can't quite explain it. i guess sometimes you just love immediately and deeply. he's like a grandad in my mind. and neither of my biological ones lived to see me born. i've always envied those with grandparents that they're close to. the only man i've considered grandad isn't blood. now i have another one, i guess.
i guess i'm sad because i didn't have more time. i didn't get to sit with him and ask him about himself. i know he grew up on a tenant farm and can't write and can read just a little. but you'd never think that. he doesn't look like a man who doesn't know those things. (and i don't actually know what that kind of man looks like.) Tinker's quite dashing, dresses very well, stands tall--shoulders back, head up. has a firm grip and hugs like he really cares. and he does. and when he sings, his bass voice resonates nicely.
i said i'd write. i just remembered he won't be able to read it. he asked me to send him my first album. i said yes. and i'll write anyway. maybe one of his daughters will read my words to him.
i'm biting my top lip. my time here's been emotional enough already and now this. friday is going to be horrible. i'll have a headache for days! and the puffiest eyes known to woman.
Tinker is, and will always be, in my heart. and i may cry when i think of him in the future. or i may just call him up and cry on the phone. i'm acting as if i'll never see him again. he plans to return next year. i could do the same. but tomorrow isn't promised and with so many dying before what seems should be their time, i'm afraid that this is it.
when you dismiss all the crap, the racial difference that you often use to automatically divide you from another, the social class garbage, the beauty standard mess, when you love someone just because they're human, it takes so much out of you and you often don't want to do it again. so then you lock yourself away emotionally and maintain only surface interactions. you allow fear to sit at your able, eat your food, tell you a whole bunch of foolishness then leave you feeling empty.
i feel as if i'm writing a memorial. the combo of fatigue, sadness, and crazy heat is obviously getting to me. but honestly, being here in the south, where it's natural to be friendly and use numerous terms of endearment, i've become a lot more open to being real. i see the need for it no matter who we are and what we do. i see how powerfully one life can be used by God to touch another if only the first is willing to be real.
so here's my challenge to you. be honest. with yourself. with God. with others. don't live with one hidden agenda after another that keeps you distant. don't walk around with a truckload of complaints, regrets, nit picky foolishness. yes, be honest about what makes you mad but don't share it just to get someone else agitated or just to get someone to validate your mad condition. live life in such away that every goodbye hurts because every hello was real. it's alright. really.
do you get me?
his name is Tinker. he's 64. about 6'4. slim build. a nice crop of grey hair. mustache. a rich low voice. he's simply wonderful. (don't worry, i haven't fallen in love with a man old enough to be my grand/dad.)
Tinker was kind to me from day one. i often wonder what draws people to me and i to them. the same's true for Tinker and me. every moment i saw him or spoke to him, i felt absolutely comfortable. and since i'm not always the friendliest of people (i'm still working on not looking sour) it was kind of surprising to me that he was immediately drawn to me. i soon found out why.
he's a southern white gentleman with 3 black daughters. it's something frowned upon in these parts. i didn't ask for the history behind it all. he simply showed me pictures and i understood. i was like a daughter to him. and i know he missed them while being here. he returned early because they have basketball camp.
last night, when i found out he was leaving, i quickly made sure that we got a picture together. it was so precious. he's so precious. this morning, i saw him one last time at breakfast as i stood in line to get my food. he often wears a serious face but when he smiles, he smiles. this morning i didn't see the smile. i saw sadness. he looked down at me and said, don't you get in my head now, with a look of love in his eyes and a sort of sarcastic regret in his voice...i was already there. i did all i could to stop from crying. i'm almost crying writing this. i can't quite explain it. i guess sometimes you just love immediately and deeply. he's like a grandad in my mind. and neither of my biological ones lived to see me born. i've always envied those with grandparents that they're close to. the only man i've considered grandad isn't blood. now i have another one, i guess.
i guess i'm sad because i didn't have more time. i didn't get to sit with him and ask him about himself. i know he grew up on a tenant farm and can't write and can read just a little. but you'd never think that. he doesn't look like a man who doesn't know those things. (and i don't actually know what that kind of man looks like.) Tinker's quite dashing, dresses very well, stands tall--shoulders back, head up. has a firm grip and hugs like he really cares. and he does. and when he sings, his bass voice resonates nicely.
i said i'd write. i just remembered he won't be able to read it. he asked me to send him my first album. i said yes. and i'll write anyway. maybe one of his daughters will read my words to him.
i'm biting my top lip. my time here's been emotional enough already and now this. friday is going to be horrible. i'll have a headache for days! and the puffiest eyes known to woman.
Tinker is, and will always be, in my heart. and i may cry when i think of him in the future. or i may just call him up and cry on the phone. i'm acting as if i'll never see him again. he plans to return next year. i could do the same. but tomorrow isn't promised and with so many dying before what seems should be their time, i'm afraid that this is it.
when you dismiss all the crap, the racial difference that you often use to automatically divide you from another, the social class garbage, the beauty standard mess, when you love someone just because they're human, it takes so much out of you and you often don't want to do it again. so then you lock yourself away emotionally and maintain only surface interactions. you allow fear to sit at your able, eat your food, tell you a whole bunch of foolishness then leave you feeling empty.
i feel as if i'm writing a memorial. the combo of fatigue, sadness, and crazy heat is obviously getting to me. but honestly, being here in the south, where it's natural to be friendly and use numerous terms of endearment, i've become a lot more open to being real. i see the need for it no matter who we are and what we do. i see how powerfully one life can be used by God to touch another if only the first is willing to be real.
so here's my challenge to you. be honest. with yourself. with God. with others. don't live with one hidden agenda after another that keeps you distant. don't walk around with a truckload of complaints, regrets, nit picky foolishness. yes, be honest about what makes you mad but don't share it just to get someone else agitated or just to get someone to validate your mad condition. live life in such away that every goodbye hurts because every hello was real. it's alright. really.
do you get me?
i'm about
2 days behind. i hate that. how'd i get 2 days behind on the calendar? it's this busy schedule i suppose.
there's something i forgot to mention yesterday, i think. i was sitting at lunch, minding my business, when one of the voice teachers came up to me. he said he enjoyed my singing friday night and was wondering if i was taking lessons. i said yes. he said good. after he left i realized that maybe, just maybe, he wants to give me lessons. and since it was my last day with my voice teacher, maybe, just maybe, this man could fit me into his schedule sometime in the next few days. but those thoughts were after he'd left.
i pondered and decided to ask. what's the hurt in asking? so i asked. he explained that he didn't want to step on any toes if i was taking from anyone else but since i'm no longer, he'd love to work with me when possible. he said he heard some things on friday he'd like to work on. i said, for sure and he said he'd snatch me sometime during the rest of the week.
woohooooooooooooooooo!
did i mention that God is good?!?! and it's not like i'd need to pay extra. he just wants to help me out if he can.
now i'm afraid of wasting time during the last few days i have here....
there's something i forgot to mention yesterday, i think. i was sitting at lunch, minding my business, when one of the voice teachers came up to me. he said he enjoyed my singing friday night and was wondering if i was taking lessons. i said yes. he said good. after he left i realized that maybe, just maybe, he wants to give me lessons. and since it was my last day with my voice teacher, maybe, just maybe, this man could fit me into his schedule sometime in the next few days. but those thoughts were after he'd left.
i pondered and decided to ask. what's the hurt in asking? so i asked. he explained that he didn't want to step on any toes if i was taking from anyone else but since i'm no longer, he'd love to work with me when possible. he said he heard some things on friday he'd like to work on. i said, for sure and he said he'd snatch me sometime during the rest of the week.
woohooooooooooooooooo!
did i mention that God is good?!?! and it's not like i'd need to pay extra. he just wants to help me out if he can.
now i'm afraid of wasting time during the last few days i have here....
25.7.05
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
wow. today has been a day! like a full day! like an amazingly wowing day!
i had my last lesson with stephen hill today. again, we talked for almost 45 minutes.
so, what are you going to do?
with what?
with that mechanics class you were talking about. common, what do you think i'm asking about?
oh music?
hahah. yeah, music.
well, i'd like to make it full time but i don't know. i also want to make time for writing.
you can write anywhere. you can write in the plane, in a motel....
.....
what church do you go to?
by his tone i knew he meant denomination. seventh day adventist.
i know a guy. danny.....what's his last name.
shelton?
yeah, you know him? you know about 3ABN?
yes.
i've worked with him before...
..........
he calls the lady in charge of the studio, tells her about me, says i sound like 2 angels or like 4 birds, says he's never done this sort of thing before.
she says i should put together something and overnight it.
i wrote up a short bio, mission statement, included a demo and futher contact info. found a friend to take me to fedex. almost mailed my credit card accidentally. it should be in illinois by 10:30 tomorrow morning. she's going to have danny listen to it on wednesday when she meets with him.
wow.
thanks justin and chris. thanks mum and dad. thanks siblings. like stephen said, this many lead nowhere; this may lead everywhere. either way, thanks for believing in me this much.
God's too good to me. and like stephen said (yes, he talks quite a bit :)) when God's ready to move, He moves. i've just got to be willing. i don't have to have everything in order. i didn't have everything in order today. i had to run to the library to type everything up then have the guts to ask for a ride (i often keep my mouth shut 'cause i'm afraid of inconveniencing others). thanks eric for being so gracious!
i'm in awe. i'm eating a late supper b/c i missed supper at 5.
i'm in a quartet singing "i john" by elvis. it's a great number. it's about john's vision of the 12 gates, etc. folks are in awe. the bass is a man. the rest of us are women. the lead girl can hit 2 "c"s below middle "c" i think. she's incredible. we sound like a group of men. it's hilarious! we start just a 1/2 step or a full step above the key elvis records it in.
okay. i could say more. it's been such a full day. pray for a girl by the name if maribeth. she had a seizure today. she's, unfortunately, accustomed to them. she's very self conscious about messing up, failing at something, looking odd. she's doing okay but she needs to see that she's only human and mistakes are just that, mistakes.
thank you God for grace and mercy!
i had my last lesson with stephen hill today. again, we talked for almost 45 minutes.
so, what are you going to do?
with what?
with that mechanics class you were talking about. common, what do you think i'm asking about?
oh music?
hahah. yeah, music.
well, i'd like to make it full time but i don't know. i also want to make time for writing.
you can write anywhere. you can write in the plane, in a motel....
.....
what church do you go to?
by his tone i knew he meant denomination. seventh day adventist.
i know a guy. danny.....what's his last name.
shelton?
yeah, you know him? you know about 3ABN?
yes.
i've worked with him before...
..........
he calls the lady in charge of the studio, tells her about me, says i sound like 2 angels or like 4 birds, says he's never done this sort of thing before.
she says i should put together something and overnight it.
i wrote up a short bio, mission statement, included a demo and futher contact info. found a friend to take me to fedex. almost mailed my credit card accidentally. it should be in illinois by 10:30 tomorrow morning. she's going to have danny listen to it on wednesday when she meets with him.
wow.
thanks justin and chris. thanks mum and dad. thanks siblings. like stephen said, this many lead nowhere; this may lead everywhere. either way, thanks for believing in me this much.
God's too good to me. and like stephen said (yes, he talks quite a bit :)) when God's ready to move, He moves. i've just got to be willing. i don't have to have everything in order. i didn't have everything in order today. i had to run to the library to type everything up then have the guts to ask for a ride (i often keep my mouth shut 'cause i'm afraid of inconveniencing others). thanks eric for being so gracious!
i'm in awe. i'm eating a late supper b/c i missed supper at 5.
i'm in a quartet singing "i john" by elvis. it's a great number. it's about john's vision of the 12 gates, etc. folks are in awe. the bass is a man. the rest of us are women. the lead girl can hit 2 "c"s below middle "c" i think. she's incredible. we sound like a group of men. it's hilarious! we start just a 1/2 step or a full step above the key elvis records it in.
okay. i could say more. it's been such a full day. pray for a girl by the name if maribeth. she had a seizure today. she's, unfortunately, accustomed to them. she's very self conscious about messing up, failing at something, looking odd. she's doing okay but she needs to see that she's only human and mistakes are just that, mistakes.
thank you God for grace and mercy!
24.7.05
it's racial
haha. do you think i'm about to discuss some injustice done me? well, i'm not. i'm actually about to talk more about southern gospel music.
i've been intrigued by the fact that i'm the darkest here but didn't want to ask anyone here for fear of offending, etc. i'm already not republican (something i will not ever say out loud) so i'd better watch what else i say. yesterday i spent many hours with folks my colour so i asked a few of them who are from here if they are familiar with the gaithers and all of that. one person asked, "who's bill gaither?" i was surprised. but then i quickly learned that southern gospel to black folks includes shirley ceaser, dottie peoples, the canton spirituals and other old heads like them. so that explains why i'm alone (though i don't want to make it seem as if i feel alone or anything like that. i'm fine. i'm secure in my minority status).
now i want to find out more of the history. why the separation? some of the black southern gospel singers have made appearances on the gaither homecoming videos. and hey, there's lynda randal. perhaps there will be even more crossover in the future. i dunno. but i can't see a bunch of black southerners hanging out here. in general, a black gospel choir doesn't get together with song books to learn music. someone sings or plays what the choir needs to learn and part by part, bit by bit, they learn it. i don't think there's any equivalent to shape notes in the black gospel culture. i think i'll do research when i get back home.
it's funny to hear people's reaction to me being from canada. they like southern gospel up there?
okay, i'm off to bed. it's after 9 and i am tired.
i've been intrigued by the fact that i'm the darkest here but didn't want to ask anyone here for fear of offending, etc. i'm already not republican (something i will not ever say out loud) so i'd better watch what else i say. yesterday i spent many hours with folks my colour so i asked a few of them who are from here if they are familiar with the gaithers and all of that. one person asked, "who's bill gaither?" i was surprised. but then i quickly learned that southern gospel to black folks includes shirley ceaser, dottie peoples, the canton spirituals and other old heads like them. so that explains why i'm alone (though i don't want to make it seem as if i feel alone or anything like that. i'm fine. i'm secure in my minority status).
now i want to find out more of the history. why the separation? some of the black southern gospel singers have made appearances on the gaither homecoming videos. and hey, there's lynda randal. perhaps there will be even more crossover in the future. i dunno. but i can't see a bunch of black southerners hanging out here. in general, a black gospel choir doesn't get together with song books to learn music. someone sings or plays what the choir needs to learn and part by part, bit by bit, they learn it. i don't think there's any equivalent to shape notes in the black gospel culture. i think i'll do research when i get back home.
it's funny to hear people's reaction to me being from canada. they like southern gospel up there?
okay, i'm off to bed. it's after 9 and i am tired.
i was
going to write something profound but i left my journal in my room. sorry. maybe next time :)
it's sunday afternoon and i'm relaxed. it's so nice. i find comfort in the knowledge that last week was a good week, a week well spent. i went to church yesterday and had a good time with church folk. today i've enjoyed much sleep and will continue to do so later on today. i plan on at least one nap and an early bedtime. i went to a church service this morning that was amazing. the preacher spoke straight from the word. he used the story of the young prophet who does God's work then meets an old prophet, listens to him, and dies. it s powerful example of how connected we need to stay to God and God alone. we need to make sure we can hear Him so that we can do His work not hinder it!
let me take a moment to talk about how clean this campus is. it's really clean.
and let me tell you how beautiful it is. it's really beautiful.
and let me tell you how trusting people are. i was in a practice room in the music building where there was a small cd player just chillin there. no, it wasn't locked down to anything. it wasn't left there accidentally. it belongs to the school. and it's just chillin. and no one will take it. they respect property here.
it amazes me.
anyway, i think i need to go for a walk and enjoy mother nature for a bit. then go a do some practicing and memorize the circle of fifths (i'll explain that only if you need me too...music theory stuff.)
till later...
it's sunday afternoon and i'm relaxed. it's so nice. i find comfort in the knowledge that last week was a good week, a week well spent. i went to church yesterday and had a good time with church folk. today i've enjoyed much sleep and will continue to do so later on today. i plan on at least one nap and an early bedtime. i went to a church service this morning that was amazing. the preacher spoke straight from the word. he used the story of the young prophet who does God's work then meets an old prophet, listens to him, and dies. it s powerful example of how connected we need to stay to God and God alone. we need to make sure we can hear Him so that we can do His work not hinder it!
let me take a moment to talk about how clean this campus is. it's really clean.
and let me tell you how beautiful it is. it's really beautiful.
and let me tell you how trusting people are. i was in a practice room in the music building where there was a small cd player just chillin there. no, it wasn't locked down to anything. it wasn't left there accidentally. it belongs to the school. and it's just chillin. and no one will take it. they respect property here.
it amazes me.
anyway, i think i need to go for a walk and enjoy mother nature for a bit. then go a do some practicing and memorize the circle of fifths (i'll explain that only if you need me too...music theory stuff.)
till later...
22.7.05
tired
i sang again tonight. before the program was over, i left with a couple of others to practice a song. i was kind of happy about that. it meant that i wouldn't have to walk out and be met by numerous people saying nice things about my song. it's not that i think it was bad. i just get overwhelmed by the positive feedback. yes, i'm grateful to know that people love what i do. i'm more concerned that they are blessed. a man told me today that what i sang yesterday was a blessing. his words almost made me cry. his words are what i'd longed to hear all day yesterday.
i sang from my heart. i opened up the wound of despair, the fear that blindness causes then moved to the place of hope. i sang His eye is on the sparrow. i believed every word. i sang like i was happy because i was. i am.
now i'm really tired. i just want an open field to sit in. i want an alberta sky to gaze on. i want to sit by the window on a rainy day and just reflect. i want absolute solitude.
it's great here though. i'm writing this from a cafe sort of area on the campus. some folks are also online. some are watching austin powers. others are playing pool and singing i'll fly away. it's great! it's a bizarre way to begin sabbath but it works somehow.
thank You God for this! it's where i need to be.
i sang from my heart. i opened up the wound of despair, the fear that blindness causes then moved to the place of hope. i sang His eye is on the sparrow. i believed every word. i sang like i was happy because i was. i am.
now i'm really tired. i just want an open field to sit in. i want an alberta sky to gaze on. i want to sit by the window on a rainy day and just reflect. i want absolute solitude.
it's great here though. i'm writing this from a cafe sort of area on the campus. some folks are also online. some are watching austin powers. others are playing pool and singing i'll fly away. it's great! it's a bizarre way to begin sabbath but it works somehow.
thank You God for this! it's where i need to be.
21.7.05
the truth
what is it you just have to do? what is it your life depends on? open up yourself and do it. don't worry about who's watching or if no one's watching or listening. whether you're in your car or bathroom or in front of 10,000, do it right. let it come out of you honestly.
let's make it personal:
i sing. i can choose to just sing, to get up on stage and do a few numbers and sit down. i can make a happy sound, use my chords well. i can make you proud to know me.
but
will you know that what i'm singing is really from me? will you see that as i sing about joy, i'm reliving the most joyful time i've known? as i sing about peace, will my peace reach out to you and cause you to rest? as i sing about pain, will you see my wounds opened once more, on display, not for glory but to simply let you know that yes, i've been there, it's real, it's honest, it's human, it's wretched, it's ugly...? when i sing about Jesus will you understand that whether or not i hit all the notes i practiced, He is real? and real to me? and here for you? loving you? and when i just want to calmly sing about love, will you hear it in me? will you know that it's more than words for me? will you understand it's depth?
or will it all be a bunch of noise meant for my self glorification and your temporary entertainment fix?
this was all the gist of the voice lesson i just had. we didn't sing. we didn't do breathing exercises or see how my tone is doing. stephen talked to me. he asked me why i sing. i got happy. i told him b/c i have to! i felt my excitement. he did too. and from there he talked to me for about 45 minutes about the fact that i must claim this. i must sing as if my life depends on it. i must make sure that come what may, the message of my song comes through like it's the last thing i or anyone will ever hear. like it's vital, air. i wish i could quote it all word for word. but trust me, i got the message. his passion ensured that i'd get it. he spoke to what i needed to hear. he told me a truth i needed someone in the field to tell me.
fear? if you claim it, there's no room for fear? you eat fear from breakfast! those are some of his words i clearly remember. if you're singing old mcdonald had a farm, i should smell the tractor fumes. he said that too. i get it. i really do.
i've sung from my heart before. and when those times are over, all i want to do is go out into a wide open space, far away from anyone else and talk to God, ask Him why i'm worthy of any good thing, ask Him why i'm allowed to be blessed by what i've just shared with others. i've never understood how after a pastor's preached his/her heart out, he/she goes to the foyer and shakes hands. i'd hop in my car and get as far away from people as i can.
i'm afraid of being overconfident. i'm afraid that compliments will get in the way. i want so much to be humble that i end up being proud of my humility. and then i subconsciously convince myself that to do any more with this gift would be too much. no, God can't possibly want me to take His gift any further. no. that would be crazy. i'm not supposed to be famous so i'll just not do much of anything. i won't use my voice much. no. i'll be very choosy. i'll sing only when all the stars are aligned.
i'm also afraid of the unknown. you may wonder why i'm afraid of this unknown when i have so many other unknowns that i'm not afraid of, like my writing. it doesn't scare me to know that i don't know when or if my book will ever be published. and you know why? because writing really isn't my number 1. it's number 2. so if i fail, it won't end my world. and if it takes me 10 years to make it well as a writer, i won't feel stupid. i'll just sit back and say, well, these things just take time.
but if i decide to sing as if my life depends on it, then i can't be a closet singer. i can't just lead out in song service. i can't just sing at special functions. i have to sing for my life. i have to take the messages God gives me through music and share them with as many people as i can. people wonder how in the world i can write all this personal stuff and let any and everybody read it. how do you do it? your brave? no, i just like talking about me b/c after spending so much time in my thoughts, i think i have good things to say that you would like to hear and hopefully learn from. it's not scary to know that complete strangers are reading this and they, along with friends and family may make all sorts of judgments about me based on all of this. it's not scary to know that you're getting to know me this way.
but it's scary to think that when i decide to sing as if my life depens on it, i may not always have a singing engagement. it may not always pay the bills. and it's scary to think that i may mess up. that i may be in the public eye and then do a stupid human thing like sin, do something that separates me from God and maybe encourages someone else to separate themself from God.
it's scary to know that while on one hand i can be God's vessel, on the other hand, i can be His enemy. and i know the power of music. i'm afraid of that power.
music is my first love. when i was a little girl, my first solo was a lullaby. i sat in a white dress my mother had made, holding my beautiful black doll, rocking her gently as i sung, say goodnight, little one, save some fun for tomorrow, with a bye bye to your light, for your light is sleepy too, all your toys are in bed, they are resting and sleeping, snuggle tight, say goodnight, for it's time you were sleeping too. i remember singing it through twice. it was a high point in my life. it proved to me that i could do it, that i could step away from the choir or ensemble and do it on my own.
since that moment, i've grown a lot. i've learned that doing it on my own isn't always a good thing. but if i must step away from the group and walk alone, then...i'll do it. because my life depends on it.
i could compare it to my sight. it's unknown scares me to tears sometimes but that doesn't stop me from taking in my surroundings. it doesn't stop me from going for walks or driving or mowing the lawn. i don't stop reading or put sanding and staining my table top just because i don't know. i don't know if i'll always see but i can't allow that to stop my life.
singing, letting others know about Jesus through music, is just about air to me. i can't allow what i don't know to ruin what i do...i've got to do this.
let's make it personal:
i sing. i can choose to just sing, to get up on stage and do a few numbers and sit down. i can make a happy sound, use my chords well. i can make you proud to know me.
but
will you know that what i'm singing is really from me? will you see that as i sing about joy, i'm reliving the most joyful time i've known? as i sing about peace, will my peace reach out to you and cause you to rest? as i sing about pain, will you see my wounds opened once more, on display, not for glory but to simply let you know that yes, i've been there, it's real, it's honest, it's human, it's wretched, it's ugly...? when i sing about Jesus will you understand that whether or not i hit all the notes i practiced, He is real? and real to me? and here for you? loving you? and when i just want to calmly sing about love, will you hear it in me? will you know that it's more than words for me? will you understand it's depth?
or will it all be a bunch of noise meant for my self glorification and your temporary entertainment fix?
this was all the gist of the voice lesson i just had. we didn't sing. we didn't do breathing exercises or see how my tone is doing. stephen talked to me. he asked me why i sing. i got happy. i told him b/c i have to! i felt my excitement. he did too. and from there he talked to me for about 45 minutes about the fact that i must claim this. i must sing as if my life depends on it. i must make sure that come what may, the message of my song comes through like it's the last thing i or anyone will ever hear. like it's vital, air. i wish i could quote it all word for word. but trust me, i got the message. his passion ensured that i'd get it. he spoke to what i needed to hear. he told me a truth i needed someone in the field to tell me.
fear? if you claim it, there's no room for fear? you eat fear from breakfast! those are some of his words i clearly remember. if you're singing old mcdonald had a farm, i should smell the tractor fumes. he said that too. i get it. i really do.
i've sung from my heart before. and when those times are over, all i want to do is go out into a wide open space, far away from anyone else and talk to God, ask Him why i'm worthy of any good thing, ask Him why i'm allowed to be blessed by what i've just shared with others. i've never understood how after a pastor's preached his/her heart out, he/she goes to the foyer and shakes hands. i'd hop in my car and get as far away from people as i can.
i'm afraid of being overconfident. i'm afraid that compliments will get in the way. i want so much to be humble that i end up being proud of my humility. and then i subconsciously convince myself that to do any more with this gift would be too much. no, God can't possibly want me to take His gift any further. no. that would be crazy. i'm not supposed to be famous so i'll just not do much of anything. i won't use my voice much. no. i'll be very choosy. i'll sing only when all the stars are aligned.
i'm also afraid of the unknown. you may wonder why i'm afraid of this unknown when i have so many other unknowns that i'm not afraid of, like my writing. it doesn't scare me to know that i don't know when or if my book will ever be published. and you know why? because writing really isn't my number 1. it's number 2. so if i fail, it won't end my world. and if it takes me 10 years to make it well as a writer, i won't feel stupid. i'll just sit back and say, well, these things just take time.
but if i decide to sing as if my life depends on it, then i can't be a closet singer. i can't just lead out in song service. i can't just sing at special functions. i have to sing for my life. i have to take the messages God gives me through music and share them with as many people as i can. people wonder how in the world i can write all this personal stuff and let any and everybody read it. how do you do it? your brave? no, i just like talking about me b/c after spending so much time in my thoughts, i think i have good things to say that you would like to hear and hopefully learn from. it's not scary to know that complete strangers are reading this and they, along with friends and family may make all sorts of judgments about me based on all of this. it's not scary to know that you're getting to know me this way.
but it's scary to think that when i decide to sing as if my life depens on it, i may not always have a singing engagement. it may not always pay the bills. and it's scary to think that i may mess up. that i may be in the public eye and then do a stupid human thing like sin, do something that separates me from God and maybe encourages someone else to separate themself from God.
it's scary to know that while on one hand i can be God's vessel, on the other hand, i can be His enemy. and i know the power of music. i'm afraid of that power.
music is my first love. when i was a little girl, my first solo was a lullaby. i sat in a white dress my mother had made, holding my beautiful black doll, rocking her gently as i sung, say goodnight, little one, save some fun for tomorrow, with a bye bye to your light, for your light is sleepy too, all your toys are in bed, they are resting and sleeping, snuggle tight, say goodnight, for it's time you were sleeping too. i remember singing it through twice. it was a high point in my life. it proved to me that i could do it, that i could step away from the choir or ensemble and do it on my own.
since that moment, i've grown a lot. i've learned that doing it on my own isn't always a good thing. but if i must step away from the group and walk alone, then...i'll do it. because my life depends on it.
i could compare it to my sight. it's unknown scares me to tears sometimes but that doesn't stop me from taking in my surroundings. it doesn't stop me from going for walks or driving or mowing the lawn. i don't stop reading or put sanding and staining my table top just because i don't know. i don't know if i'll always see but i can't allow that to stop my life.
singing, letting others know about Jesus through music, is just about air to me. i can't allow what i don't know to ruin what i do...i've got to do this.
excited...humbled...thrilled...slightly confused
southern gospel music is certainly more than meets the eye/ear. it's a culture i appreciate more now, i respect more now, i'm excited about more now...
i sang today during performance training. it's during this section that allison durham speer lets you sing then critiques you or critiques you while you're singing. i was really nervous. it's been so long since someone's really critiqued my singing and i don't record myself in performance so i have nothing to use for self critique (which i'm somewhat happy for b/c i hate hearing myself sometimes). i sat and waited for my turn. the more i waited, the more my nerves took over. smile. relax. think peacful thoughts. it's going to be fine. just have worship. just praise God in this place. just pretend this is a regular performance. but don't show off. don't think you're all that. be humble. you're here to learn.
thought after thought calmed me down then got my heart up to 85 mph (my favourite driving speed). i was glad that i got to go after so many others. i was second to last. i got to hear things that could help my performance. and then...
she introduced me, i walked onto the stage, mic in hand. the music began and i looked over the audience wondering if i should speak through the intro or just continue looking. then she stopped the music, asked me to come back down. i thought i'd done something wrong, walked wrong, looked wrong. (yesterday, a young girl who is sexy without trying and has a beautiful low voice, had a shirt that would come up just above her belt as she sang and just barely show her belly. allison got up there and pulled on her shirt as she sang her heart out. it was funny but also a bit embarrassing. i wore a long skirt with a top that clearly covered my belly but i kept on wondering if the skirt showed too much curve. it's a-lined and can't help but let you know i have a rear end. but it doesn't cling. how much should women do to ensure that men don't lust after our bodies? i know for a fact that i can be in a sack and still a man's thoughts go where they shouldn't. but anyway, i digress........)
allison said we should practice getting into position as the music plays. this made me happy. less time to have to look at the audience pretending/trying to connect without a fake smile. the music began again. i made my way up the steps and onto the stage, turned around with just enough time to look out, bring the mic to my mouth, and commence.
initially, i couldn't hear myself well in the monitor (this is why soundcheck is so vital! but not possible for these performances) so my first few notes didn't seem that stable to me. i dismissed the thought and kept on singing, reminding myself that i was simply up there to minister, not to show off, not to prove anything, not to simply give folks what they've waited for (when will the black girl sing? i'm the darkest thing here!). so i concentrated on the words, their meaning to my life, and gave it all my heart. my chords have been hurting since i haven't sung this much since my sophomore year of college and i haven't sung consistently and properly since high school. i was worried that even though the song is low (were it not for grace as sung by larnell harris), i would struggle with it. when i started hitting the highest notes and not feeling any strain, i couldn't help but praise God in my mind. my praise must have come through. people were blessed.
apparently i sound like lynda randal...surprise, surprise. i'm a woman, i sing low and i'm black. it's the easiest comparison. i'm not offended. i just don't think we sound the same. she has different colour in her voice...i think.
but that aside, allison gave me nothing but compliments. i was wishing for a negative. at least say i could do something better. i'll ask her tonight for more feedback. i must admit, however, that i'm so used to singing low and slow that the true test will come with a fast song. i'm honestly tired of hearing just positive. in order to grow i feel as if i need some harsh but constructive feedback.
so that's been part of my day so far. i'm so tired and i wish they'd give us an afternoon off. everyone seems a bit weary.
something fun: i went to lunch with a couple of guys from my theory class and a couple of girls from the neighboring theory class. there's a fabulous place called arnolds that has good southern cuisine. for 7 bucks i had some nice eats and also got a chance to get to know some folks a bit better. it's all about being real and loving people in spite of....and finding positive things to talk about. it's amazing how much energy we spend talking about the negative. for example, we spent a while in the blazing sun and dreadful humidity yesterday, getting ready for a group picture. as our shirts turned in colour from the ginormous amounts of sweat dripping down our sides, fronts and backs, folks started complaining, as is our natural tendency.
i challenge you with this. don't be natural. don't just do things just b/c. and don't think you're above that. just because you've left high school or college doesn't mean you no longer complain unnecessarily. if you can't control the situation, make the best of it. learn something through it.
don't be natural and just do a job b/c it pays your bills. don't be natural and just...
i sang today during performance training. it's during this section that allison durham speer lets you sing then critiques you or critiques you while you're singing. i was really nervous. it's been so long since someone's really critiqued my singing and i don't record myself in performance so i have nothing to use for self critique (which i'm somewhat happy for b/c i hate hearing myself sometimes). i sat and waited for my turn. the more i waited, the more my nerves took over. smile. relax. think peacful thoughts. it's going to be fine. just have worship. just praise God in this place. just pretend this is a regular performance. but don't show off. don't think you're all that. be humble. you're here to learn.
thought after thought calmed me down then got my heart up to 85 mph (my favourite driving speed). i was glad that i got to go after so many others. i was second to last. i got to hear things that could help my performance. and then...
she introduced me, i walked onto the stage, mic in hand. the music began and i looked over the audience wondering if i should speak through the intro or just continue looking. then she stopped the music, asked me to come back down. i thought i'd done something wrong, walked wrong, looked wrong. (yesterday, a young girl who is sexy without trying and has a beautiful low voice, had a shirt that would come up just above her belt as she sang and just barely show her belly. allison got up there and pulled on her shirt as she sang her heart out. it was funny but also a bit embarrassing. i wore a long skirt with a top that clearly covered my belly but i kept on wondering if the skirt showed too much curve. it's a-lined and can't help but let you know i have a rear end. but it doesn't cling. how much should women do to ensure that men don't lust after our bodies? i know for a fact that i can be in a sack and still a man's thoughts go where they shouldn't. but anyway, i digress........)
allison said we should practice getting into position as the music plays. this made me happy. less time to have to look at the audience pretending/trying to connect without a fake smile. the music began again. i made my way up the steps and onto the stage, turned around with just enough time to look out, bring the mic to my mouth, and commence.
initially, i couldn't hear myself well in the monitor (this is why soundcheck is so vital! but not possible for these performances) so my first few notes didn't seem that stable to me. i dismissed the thought and kept on singing, reminding myself that i was simply up there to minister, not to show off, not to prove anything, not to simply give folks what they've waited for (when will the black girl sing? i'm the darkest thing here!). so i concentrated on the words, their meaning to my life, and gave it all my heart. my chords have been hurting since i haven't sung this much since my sophomore year of college and i haven't sung consistently and properly since high school. i was worried that even though the song is low (were it not for grace as sung by larnell harris), i would struggle with it. when i started hitting the highest notes and not feeling any strain, i couldn't help but praise God in my mind. my praise must have come through. people were blessed.
apparently i sound like lynda randal...surprise, surprise. i'm a woman, i sing low and i'm black. it's the easiest comparison. i'm not offended. i just don't think we sound the same. she has different colour in her voice...i think.
but that aside, allison gave me nothing but compliments. i was wishing for a negative. at least say i could do something better. i'll ask her tonight for more feedback. i must admit, however, that i'm so used to singing low and slow that the true test will come with a fast song. i'm honestly tired of hearing just positive. in order to grow i feel as if i need some harsh but constructive feedback.
so that's been part of my day so far. i'm so tired and i wish they'd give us an afternoon off. everyone seems a bit weary.
something fun: i went to lunch with a couple of guys from my theory class and a couple of girls from the neighboring theory class. there's a fabulous place called arnolds that has good southern cuisine. for 7 bucks i had some nice eats and also got a chance to get to know some folks a bit better. it's all about being real and loving people in spite of....and finding positive things to talk about. it's amazing how much energy we spend talking about the negative. for example, we spent a while in the blazing sun and dreadful humidity yesterday, getting ready for a group picture. as our shirts turned in colour from the ginormous amounts of sweat dripping down our sides, fronts and backs, folks started complaining, as is our natural tendency.
i challenge you with this. don't be natural. don't just do things just b/c. and don't think you're above that. just because you've left high school or college doesn't mean you no longer complain unnecessarily. if you can't control the situation, make the best of it. learn something through it.
don't be natural and just do a job b/c it pays your bills. don't be natural and just...
20.7.05
this'll be short
people are waiting...
please ya'll. do what you love. it may take a while to get up and running but please, do what makes you glad to be alive. God wants that for us!! it's not selfish. it's called walking with God.
and also, when in the south, shut your mouth about being a democrat or hating Bush. 15 year olds here have strong positive opinions about the pres. it amazes me.
till later...
please ya'll. do what you love. it may take a while to get up and running but please, do what makes you glad to be alive. God wants that for us!! it's not selfish. it's called walking with God.
and also, when in the south, shut your mouth about being a democrat or hating Bush. 15 year olds here have strong positive opinions about the pres. it amazes me.
till later...
19.7.05
water
i'm not as drained as i was 24 hours ago. i've been drinking crazy amounts of water which i think has helped. maybe i'll have enough life in me in the morning to go for a walk before breakfast...that's been my desire since day one.
heard some really great music today. some nice simple beautiful stuff. and i've realized that since i sing so much in the lower register, singing the "a" (and up) above middle "c", as a regular alto would, is quite the challenge. do i try to change that? do i simply rest in my low and lovely?\
the rain comes down ever so lightly every now and then. i use an umbrella b/c that's what i'm used to but i could walk in the rain. it would hardly do anything. the warmth here is so cozy. maybe because of the horrid a/c inside.
i think i'll perform on thursday. i'm having a couple of tracks on tape recorded onto cd (for free) by mike evans, a wonderful rich bass singer who does everything with a smile.
i'm learning to be a humble performer and that being a humble performer is more than saying thank you and smiling kindly and gently. it's about making sure all i do is serve. let's say, for example, that i go to a church to do a concert. when i get there, once i've set up and put all my stuff in order, i need to ask, is there anything i can help you with? how can i be of assistance? and if the track stops mid song, instead of looking cross-eyed, i should simply carry on with all the love of God on my face and in my voice. and if i'm getting incredible feedback in the monitors, etc, all i should do is kindly say, is there something i can do to help that? or just keep on going.
it's about showing love in ALL things in ALL ways on ALL fronts on ALL days....... and not just because i'm getting paid!!!
water makes you think a bit straighter.
heard some really great music today. some nice simple beautiful stuff. and i've realized that since i sing so much in the lower register, singing the "a" (and up) above middle "c", as a regular alto would, is quite the challenge. do i try to change that? do i simply rest in my low and lovely?\
the rain comes down ever so lightly every now and then. i use an umbrella b/c that's what i'm used to but i could walk in the rain. it would hardly do anything. the warmth here is so cozy. maybe because of the horrid a/c inside.
i think i'll perform on thursday. i'm having a couple of tracks on tape recorded onto cd (for free) by mike evans, a wonderful rich bass singer who does everything with a smile.
i'm learning to be a humble performer and that being a humble performer is more than saying thank you and smiling kindly and gently. it's about making sure all i do is serve. let's say, for example, that i go to a church to do a concert. when i get there, once i've set up and put all my stuff in order, i need to ask, is there anything i can help you with? how can i be of assistance? and if the track stops mid song, instead of looking cross-eyed, i should simply carry on with all the love of God on my face and in my voice. and if i'm getting incredible feedback in the monitors, etc, all i should do is kindly say, is there something i can do to help that? or just keep on going.
it's about showing love in ALL things in ALL ways on ALL fronts on ALL days....... and not just because i'm getting paid!!!
water makes you think a bit straighter.
Honesty
The San Francisco 49ers were playing the Seahawks at Seattle’s home stadium on a mild Sunday night in October. Leaving my hotel room to take a stroll, I found an upscale, dimly lit corner restaurant where folks could eat while watching an entire wall of big-screen TVs. The noise from the West Coast fans poured from the TVs, through the restaurant’s open double-doors and onto the sidewalk, inviting me inside.
Leaning against a wall just inside the door, I caught a few minutes of the game. I watched Seattle fullback Shaun Alexander make a touchdown for the Seahawks. Pride swelled because Alexander had been a star running back for the University of Alabama and is also an outspoken man of faith. I was excited to see an Alabama native do well, and I wanted to tell somebody that I was practically related—just because we were both from Alabama.
A well-dressed man sat quietly on a stool opposite me, his gaze fixed on the game. His navy sport coat and slacks told me he had just left work, like me, and was there to unwind before bed. He smiled and nodded as I told him that Shaun Alexander was a ’Bama guy like me. Despite his nod, he did not answer. I assumed he was too tired to chat.
The next night I walked to the steakhouse behind my hotel for my take-out order. While waiting on a bench outside, I noticed out of the corner of my eye the same man from the previous night. Only this time he was not perched atop a stool. He was in a hurry.
What happened next made me embarrassed for him. Instead of being the businessman I thought he was, he began rummaging through the trash can in front of the restaurant.
After realizing this man was not the poised businessman he appeared to be, I considered a parallel about us as Christians. During a small group breakout session at church a few weeks later, a question was posed: Why don’t Christians witness more? Things like fear, intimidation and lack of theological training topped the list of reasons for our silence about God.
“Perhaps it’s because we Christians have so little to say,” said one.
The focus of a lot of modern evangelicalism has been to promote Jesus as the ultimate self-help sage, bringing inner peace and instant healing to all of our pain. But since most of us know how deeply we struggle with sin, how can we give a testimony that God has brought about a radical change in us with a straight face? One option is to keep our sin hidden so nobody knows that we still rummage through old trash cans of immorality from time to time. But is that really the right answer?
Looking back, I can see that I have been led to believe Jesus would not only forgive my sins, but that He would also make life easier, simply because I believed or followed the “right steps” as outlined in Scripture. I really didn’t expect to have the urge to rummage through some of the same garbage at this point in my life ; I expected to be dressed in respectability—not just on Sundays, but every day.
I’ve heard it said that I am the only Jesus many may ever see. That responsibility has been a difficult burden to carry because I know that Christ lived a sinless existence while I have not. Nobody will ever see Jesus this side of eternity, and if I am the only Jesus some may ever see, then I pray God will grant them blindness or ignorance to my sin so they don’t see how unlike Christ I really am at times. Christ said my righteousness had to exceed that of the scribes and Pharisees before I could see heaven (Matthew 5:20). That is interesting because Jesus used the Pharisees to show us how legalistically applied religion brings death rather than an intimate knowledge of God. Becoming real with ourselves and with Christ takes much work and much more pain than merely following rules.
Sin thrives in secrecy. The fear of coming clean and being honest with ourselves keeps most of us in quiet desperation. We are constantly attempting to match our exterior with who we are when the lights are out and nobody is around to see. Most of us try to keep the lights out or try to bring congruence between the external and internal before somebody turns on the lights and finds out we are liars.
Matthew 23:25 reads: "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence" (NAS). The verses following compare the Pharisees to beautiful white-washed tombs which may look good on the outside but inside contain empty bones and decay. Jesus had this to say in verse 28: "So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."
Jesus told the Pharisees to clean the inside of the cup (our hearts) before cleaning the outside (verse 26). Does this mean the inside of our cups (our hearts) must be cleaned to perfection before we can testify? No! We need not fear that we aren’t highly equipped to engage another person in a theological or religious debate. We need not fear our imperfection. Our mission is simply to testify to the forgiveness and grace in Christ that we have experienced thus far and the hope we have in Christ of continued healing and grace.
The world has seen plenty who profess miraculous deliveries from sin only to flame out later. They do not need to hear stories that are “too good to be true.” We owe it to them to show the real “us” and how the Lord’s grace is changing us and healing our brokenness. Let us not present our Christianity as self-help or a means to perfection, but rather as the grace that Christ is to us on the journey of this life.
[Alan Matthews is from Alabama and can’t wait until the start of football season.]
From Relevant magazine's weekly 850 email.
Leaning against a wall just inside the door, I caught a few minutes of the game. I watched Seattle fullback Shaun Alexander make a touchdown for the Seahawks. Pride swelled because Alexander had been a star running back for the University of Alabama and is also an outspoken man of faith. I was excited to see an Alabama native do well, and I wanted to tell somebody that I was practically related—just because we were both from Alabama.
A well-dressed man sat quietly on a stool opposite me, his gaze fixed on the game. His navy sport coat and slacks told me he had just left work, like me, and was there to unwind before bed. He smiled and nodded as I told him that Shaun Alexander was a ’Bama guy like me. Despite his nod, he did not answer. I assumed he was too tired to chat.
The next night I walked to the steakhouse behind my hotel for my take-out order. While waiting on a bench outside, I noticed out of the corner of my eye the same man from the previous night. Only this time he was not perched atop a stool. He was in a hurry.
What happened next made me embarrassed for him. Instead of being the businessman I thought he was, he began rummaging through the trash can in front of the restaurant.
After realizing this man was not the poised businessman he appeared to be, I considered a parallel about us as Christians. During a small group breakout session at church a few weeks later, a question was posed: Why don’t Christians witness more? Things like fear, intimidation and lack of theological training topped the list of reasons for our silence about God.
“Perhaps it’s because we Christians have so little to say,” said one.
The focus of a lot of modern evangelicalism has been to promote Jesus as the ultimate self-help sage, bringing inner peace and instant healing to all of our pain. But since most of us know how deeply we struggle with sin, how can we give a testimony that God has brought about a radical change in us with a straight face? One option is to keep our sin hidden so nobody knows that we still rummage through old trash cans of immorality from time to time. But is that really the right answer?
Looking back, I can see that I have been led to believe Jesus would not only forgive my sins, but that He would also make life easier, simply because I believed or followed the “right steps” as outlined in Scripture. I really didn’t expect to have the urge to rummage through some of the same garbage at this point in my life ; I expected to be dressed in respectability—not just on Sundays, but every day.
I’ve heard it said that I am the only Jesus many may ever see. That responsibility has been a difficult burden to carry because I know that Christ lived a sinless existence while I have not. Nobody will ever see Jesus this side of eternity, and if I am the only Jesus some may ever see, then I pray God will grant them blindness or ignorance to my sin so they don’t see how unlike Christ I really am at times. Christ said my righteousness had to exceed that of the scribes and Pharisees before I could see heaven (Matthew 5:20). That is interesting because Jesus used the Pharisees to show us how legalistically applied religion brings death rather than an intimate knowledge of God. Becoming real with ourselves and with Christ takes much work and much more pain than merely following rules.
Sin thrives in secrecy. The fear of coming clean and being honest with ourselves keeps most of us in quiet desperation. We are constantly attempting to match our exterior with who we are when the lights are out and nobody is around to see. Most of us try to keep the lights out or try to bring congruence between the external and internal before somebody turns on the lights and finds out we are liars.
Matthew 23:25 reads: "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence" (NAS). The verses following compare the Pharisees to beautiful white-washed tombs which may look good on the outside but inside contain empty bones and decay. Jesus had this to say in verse 28: "So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."
Jesus told the Pharisees to clean the inside of the cup (our hearts) before cleaning the outside (verse 26). Does this mean the inside of our cups (our hearts) must be cleaned to perfection before we can testify? No! We need not fear that we aren’t highly equipped to engage another person in a theological or religious debate. We need not fear our imperfection. Our mission is simply to testify to the forgiveness and grace in Christ that we have experienced thus far and the hope we have in Christ of continued healing and grace.
The world has seen plenty who profess miraculous deliveries from sin only to flame out later. They do not need to hear stories that are “too good to be true.” We owe it to them to show the real “us” and how the Lord’s grace is changing us and healing our brokenness. Let us not present our Christianity as self-help or a means to perfection, but rather as the grace that Christ is to us on the journey of this life.
[Alan Matthews is from Alabama and can’t wait until the start of football season.]
From Relevant magazine's weekly 850 email.
18.7.05
nashville -- day 2
southern accents are fabulous! along with the word choices. "i might could pick it all up if i tried."
day 2 has been good but i'm even more draining so i'll try for an earlier bed time. i had my first voice lesson today. stephen is fun and i know i'll learn a lot. i had my first theory class. have you ever learned shape notes? each note (do re mi fa sol la ti do) is written as a shape with a stem. and "do" isn't always "c" unless you chose to use fixed shape notes (which we don't choose to do here which makes it harder for me because i'm so visual i want to see "do" in the "c" position!). so "do" is the note of whatever scale where using. for example, if we're in the key of "f" then "do" is "f". it's fun and crazy all at the same time.
the food is great. there are fresh buns at supper time that are just lovely (i think it's the sugar in them) and this morning i had biscuits and gravy!!!!! can i say YUM?! and chicken steak...have you ever had it? apparently it's steak fried like chicken. lovely! the only food thing i can't quite get used to is all the black pepper...
southern hospitality is great. and i hear the word "great" a lot. all the "yes sirs" and "yes ma'ams" are so darling. and "bless your heart" is hilarious. you can say whatever you want to someone as long as you end it with "bless your heart" for example, "your song was horrible, bless your heart" :) and i'm really struggling not to sound like a mimic.
i saw allison durham up close and personal today! oh what a voice! she's a good critic for performance training. i hope to sing on wednesday and be told what's not and what is. it'll be very good for me.
but all this light-hearted thought aside, being here reminds me to be real, to admit what's not and what is, to have heart, to give my heart...to have the faith to jump.
in worship this morning i heard something particularly interesting. we often look at all our imperfections, doubting that anything can be right. sometimes when we criticize ourselves it's as if we're telling God "you didn't do a very good job."
yes, it's good to admit that we're a mess. but the conversations can't stop there. we can't afford that. God didn't make any old thing when He created us. life has been crazy and we've messed up.
BUT
claim the but! ( i know that sounds crazy, but...)
day 2 has been good but i'm even more draining so i'll try for an earlier bed time. i had my first voice lesson today. stephen is fun and i know i'll learn a lot. i had my first theory class. have you ever learned shape notes? each note (do re mi fa sol la ti do) is written as a shape with a stem. and "do" isn't always "c" unless you chose to use fixed shape notes (which we don't choose to do here which makes it harder for me because i'm so visual i want to see "do" in the "c" position!). so "do" is the note of whatever scale where using. for example, if we're in the key of "f" then "do" is "f". it's fun and crazy all at the same time.
the food is great. there are fresh buns at supper time that are just lovely (i think it's the sugar in them) and this morning i had biscuits and gravy!!!!! can i say YUM?! and chicken steak...have you ever had it? apparently it's steak fried like chicken. lovely! the only food thing i can't quite get used to is all the black pepper...
southern hospitality is great. and i hear the word "great" a lot. all the "yes sirs" and "yes ma'ams" are so darling. and "bless your heart" is hilarious. you can say whatever you want to someone as long as you end it with "bless your heart" for example, "your song was horrible, bless your heart" :) and i'm really struggling not to sound like a mimic.
i saw allison durham up close and personal today! oh what a voice! she's a good critic for performance training. i hope to sing on wednesday and be told what's not and what is. it'll be very good for me.
but all this light-hearted thought aside, being here reminds me to be real, to admit what's not and what is, to have heart, to give my heart...to have the faith to jump.
in worship this morning i heard something particularly interesting. we often look at all our imperfections, doubting that anything can be right. sometimes when we criticize ourselves it's as if we're telling God "you didn't do a very good job."
yes, it's good to admit that we're a mess. but the conversations can't stop there. we can't afford that. God didn't make any old thing when He created us. life has been crazy and we've messed up.
BUT
claim the but! ( i know that sounds crazy, but...)
17.7.05
nashville - day 1
i didn't get any sleep last night so at minutes to 8 at night, i'm more than exhausted! i don't even know how to describe this. as i waited to board the plane this morning, i began journaling my emotions. i was conflicted. i hate leaving home in a rush. i like to have everything in order and time to breath before i leave. and having been gone already this summer twice, this morning felt wrong for various reasons. but after writing and writing and writing some more, i realized the main reason from my angst: i was venturing off to confront my greatest fear. that's what the pursuit of music is for me. and even though i'm here to learn, i can't help but think of the possible doors this will open on a professional level. THAT scares me. i want music but i don't want all that comes with it, necessarily. music is the one thing i've always loved. it's my earliest memory of what makes me smile inside.
i'm glad, very glad that i decided to come, that i took hold of the opportunity given me to make this trip (yay for parents!). and most of all, i'm understanding the contentment that comes when you step out into some unknown (only because you know God wants you to) and you reach a point of peace. you don't necessarily now know why exactly you're where you are but you know it's right. you know 10000000% that it's right. it's not a happiness. it's somewhat beyond that. and i'm not even sure of what joy is exactly so i don't want to use that word to describe this. all i know is that
i
am
where
i
need
to
be
my lovely roommate's name is allison. she's a singer/actor from toronto. i've also met two teenage girls from cali and a teenage boy from illinois. and then there's ben speer, his son, his sister, and other family members all so chill with their lovely southern accents. the sponge in me will pick it up for sure and have to concentrate quite hard not to sound like a mimic.
the dorm rooms are tiny but not much different from AU. how did i ever live in that space?
it's hot but the air conditioned buildings are gross. i hate AC. yes, i HATE AC. it provides a horrible chill. it's so unnatural. they need to create natural ACs. i'm afraid of catching a cold. i've already sneezed.
anyway, the campus is lovely. it's trevecca nazarene university. i've seen 2 more black people. am i in tennesee or alberta? hee hee.
and oh, for those of you who are familiar with bill gaither and all his southern gospel singing friends, allison durham (she sings "he's worthy, God's worthy, almighty, creator, alpha, omega, beginning and the end.....") who's voice i absolutely love and who i would one day love to wail like, is the performance training coach!! oh yeah! i'm on my way to heaven!! so aside from the 5 voice lessons i'll have from stephen hill, i'll get all this time with ms durham (not necessarily one on one but who cares?) and i know i'll learn some great stuff.
well, it's time to go. when i figure out my phone number i'll let you know (via email that is). i've got to go make my bed and figure out where to iron and all of that jazz. and then, it's bed! i need sleep like...i was going to make a comparison but could only think of very negative mean ones so i'll just stick to the fact that i need sleep.
oh yeah, we have curfew. 11pm! trust me, it's a good thing. i'll finally be on a good sleep schedule. i'll wake with the birds and walk before 7 am breakfast. i'm feelin better already.
till later...
i'm glad, very glad that i decided to come, that i took hold of the opportunity given me to make this trip (yay for parents!). and most of all, i'm understanding the contentment that comes when you step out into some unknown (only because you know God wants you to) and you reach a point of peace. you don't necessarily now know why exactly you're where you are but you know it's right. you know 10000000% that it's right. it's not a happiness. it's somewhat beyond that. and i'm not even sure of what joy is exactly so i don't want to use that word to describe this. all i know is that
i
am
where
i
need
to
be
my lovely roommate's name is allison. she's a singer/actor from toronto. i've also met two teenage girls from cali and a teenage boy from illinois. and then there's ben speer, his son, his sister, and other family members all so chill with their lovely southern accents. the sponge in me will pick it up for sure and have to concentrate quite hard not to sound like a mimic.
the dorm rooms are tiny but not much different from AU. how did i ever live in that space?
it's hot but the air conditioned buildings are gross. i hate AC. yes, i HATE AC. it provides a horrible chill. it's so unnatural. they need to create natural ACs. i'm afraid of catching a cold. i've already sneezed.
anyway, the campus is lovely. it's trevecca nazarene university. i've seen 2 more black people. am i in tennesee or alberta? hee hee.
and oh, for those of you who are familiar with bill gaither and all his southern gospel singing friends, allison durham (she sings "he's worthy, God's worthy, almighty, creator, alpha, omega, beginning and the end.....") who's voice i absolutely love and who i would one day love to wail like, is the performance training coach!! oh yeah! i'm on my way to heaven!! so aside from the 5 voice lessons i'll have from stephen hill, i'll get all this time with ms durham (not necessarily one on one but who cares?) and i know i'll learn some great stuff.
well, it's time to go. when i figure out my phone number i'll let you know (via email that is). i've got to go make my bed and figure out where to iron and all of that jazz. and then, it's bed! i need sleep like...i was going to make a comparison but could only think of very negative mean ones so i'll just stick to the fact that i need sleep.
oh yeah, we have curfew. 11pm! trust me, it's a good thing. i'll finally be on a good sleep schedule. i'll wake with the birds and walk before 7 am breakfast. i'm feelin better already.
till later...
16.7.05
Ephesians 6:10-18
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
so far removed
i've often wondered why i don't feel when things crumble. certain pain just doesn't hurt me. it has to be close, not close in proximity but close in memory. hotel rwanda hurt b/c it reminded me of liberia. 9/11 didn't do much. the london bombs didn't do much.
i wish i could feel pain beyond my memory, but i'm so far removed. so far, i'm not connected. so far, i'm somewhat safely distant enough to not worry. that knowledge confuses me.
i wish i could feel pain beyond my memory, but i'm so far removed. so far, i'm not connected. so far, i'm somewhat safely distant enough to not worry. that knowledge confuses me.
14.7.05
for crying out loud
if we hadn't been exposed
if we hadn't traveled so far away from birth places at such young ages
if we hadn't been told
if we hadn't heard that anything we touch can become gold or at least something precious
if we hadn't been praised
if we hadn't reveled in the knowledge of jobs well done, songs well sung
if we hadn't been loved
if we hadn't known God
the now would be hated
the gone would be hated
the next would be feared like pending death
instead we've been
instead we have options
marry this. live there. want that. grow here.
nothing's fashionable. everything's changeable. we ARE the world and the world is just another option.
we've been taught to know but yet to not
yet some have the nerve to tell us what
is true
we're so confused
and we know that but we keep on listening
cause we're always hoping
that we'll finally hear
what we've always needed
and we'll snap our fingers
and we'll be right where
we've always needed to be
and the world will be ok
and our hearts will be ok
but since when was this earth heaven?
if we hadn't traveled so far away from birth places at such young ages
if we hadn't been told
if we hadn't heard that anything we touch can become gold or at least something precious
if we hadn't been praised
if we hadn't reveled in the knowledge of jobs well done, songs well sung
if we hadn't been loved
if we hadn't known God
the now would be hated
the gone would be hated
the next would be feared like pending death
instead we've been
instead we have options
marry this. live there. want that. grow here.
nothing's fashionable. everything's changeable. we ARE the world and the world is just another option.
we've been taught to know but yet to not
yet some have the nerve to tell us what
is true
we're so confused
and we know that but we keep on listening
cause we're always hoping
that we'll finally hear
what we've always needed
and we'll snap our fingers
and we'll be right where
we've always needed to be
and the world will be ok
and our hearts will be ok
but since when was this earth heaven?
bad lookin
this is what should happen when you spend too much time looking at something you shouldn't be looking at.
your eyes should pain you like someone's reached into your head, behind your eyes, grabbed hold of your optic nerves (or whatever's back there) and is gently but cruelly holding them captive between fingers, patient fingers, fingers willing to hold on for hours.
and the pain seeps into your forehead and spreads out to your temples. it rests all around there. chills out like it's spring break or something.
but all i did was drive 4 hours.
my eyes are weaker these days, can't stand to concentrate so long, so hard.
i sound 75. i'm only 26.
but no, this doesn't happen when you've spent too much time looking at something you shouldn't be looking at. those consequences aren't so quickly recognized.
your eyes should pain you like someone's reached into your head, behind your eyes, grabbed hold of your optic nerves (or whatever's back there) and is gently but cruelly holding them captive between fingers, patient fingers, fingers willing to hold on for hours.
and the pain seeps into your forehead and spreads out to your temples. it rests all around there. chills out like it's spring break or something.
but all i did was drive 4 hours.
my eyes are weaker these days, can't stand to concentrate so long, so hard.
i sound 75. i'm only 26.
but no, this doesn't happen when you've spent too much time looking at something you shouldn't be looking at. those consequences aren't so quickly recognized.
13.7.05
what would you
say no to in order to be happy?
could you just be happy in order to say no?
why not just give up your notion of happy?
sing a song you've never heard before...
"sometimes words just jump into your head
you don't know what they mean but somehow they make sense..."
could you just be happy in order to say no?
why not just give up your notion of happy?
sing a song you've never heard before...
"sometimes words just jump into your head
you don't know what they mean but somehow they make sense..."
11.7.05
clearing out, finding blessings
i'm spending more time than i wish (dialup) clearing out my inbox. each time i do this, i come across an email from a friend that i need to respond to but words escape me. in her email, she tells me what a blessing i've been to her in the short time we've known each other. never do i read the email and think oh, of course. instead, i just look at the subject line and say wow, wondering, each time, how in the world God is able to use me like that.
7.7.05
really?
is it all so simple? is there really no gray area?
yes.
i told God i'd do whatever and i meant it and still mean it. whatever. wherever. whenever. however. no matter how daunting or unrealistic it seems to be. even if my stomach is filled with butterflies all the way through it. even if i think it's crazy initially. if i believe it's His desire for me, i'm going to do it.
so i'm going to nashville for 2 weeks to improve my music skills. and because i'm so often against doing things the "popular" way, something in me says, nashville? really? and i get all flustered.
yet i know i'll have a good time because it's God's time.
yes.
i told God i'd do whatever and i meant it and still mean it. whatever. wherever. whenever. however. no matter how daunting or unrealistic it seems to be. even if my stomach is filled with butterflies all the way through it. even if i think it's crazy initially. if i believe it's His desire for me, i'm going to do it.
so i'm going to nashville for 2 weeks to improve my music skills. and because i'm so often against doing things the "popular" way, something in me says, nashville? really? and i get all flustered.
yet i know i'll have a good time because it's God's time.
4.7.05
the blessed haze
the haze on my possible prostitution calms me, brings me down many notches to a point on my life map i cannot find
too many clouds
i just can't do it, can't get paid for my gifts when they're not being used correctly, efficiently, effectively, cloud trillion
call me crazy
i'm not experiencing confusion because i know what i shouldn't do and just have to come to terms with what i should
this is simple
He's let me go so far but not all the way, let me spread my wings but not all day. He sees that somewhere within this crazy sin kept child there is some good left for His glory
here's my story
i say here take me use me break me, mould me Your will not mine Your way not mine
but i still have an agenda
what i haven't meant with all these words, what i haven't really said in my heart amidst in all my pious rhetoric is
i'll do whatever
dissatisfaction rocks my boat
again
i will now walk the certain road
the end
too many clouds
i just can't do it, can't get paid for my gifts when they're not being used correctly, efficiently, effectively, cloud trillion
call me crazy
i'm not experiencing confusion because i know what i shouldn't do and just have to come to terms with what i should
this is simple
He's let me go so far but not all the way, let me spread my wings but not all day. He sees that somewhere within this crazy sin kept child there is some good left for His glory
here's my story
i say here take me use me break me, mould me Your will not mine Your way not mine
but i still have an agenda
what i haven't meant with all these words, what i haven't really said in my heart amidst in all my pious rhetoric is
i'll do whatever
dissatisfaction rocks my boat
again
i will now walk the certain road
the end