that's all i want to be and certainly what i received after listening to a voice i haven't heard in ages! veruschka is her name and her cd recently found its way to my local abc. as i glanced through the featured cds, i was surprised to see a face i actually know. we sang together in our high school choir when i was a senior and she a junior.
i can still remember the moment she said something along the lines of wishing she could sing like me. and i still remember the crazy look i gave her and saying something along the lines of why would you want my voice when you have yours! it's amazing! she could sing back in 1995 and i got to hear her grow during college.
wow! the woman's got chops! and hearing her today was, indeed, a blessing.
31.8.05
laryngitis
now, now when i want to sing, when i want nothing more than to open my mouth and wail, i've got what i think is laryngitis. yes, i'll go to the doctor later on and get an official word. but whatever it is, it sucks rocks! and i'm doing all i can to make it go away. warm lemon water. gargling with a warm salt water solution, not too much talking, not too much laughing (man!), plenty of rest (why?!), and all that other good stuff. and hopefully the good doctor will give me meds to make it disappear sooner. please give me meds!
okay, enough whining, yes?
i need to make a press kit or some sort of info sheet for my ministry.
off to divide and conquer. say a prayer please...
okay, enough whining, yes?
i need to make a press kit or some sort of info sheet for my ministry.
off to divide and conquer. say a prayer please...
29.8.05
no sunshine
i thought i heard we'd have sunshine and we did this morning. i slept with my window open and woke up warm. by noon it was cold. it's still cold now at 3:40pm. and i've got a cold and all i want to do is watch a movie.
but anyway, it could all be worse. good news is, i've created a set list for my mini-concert. and i haven't had to evacuate my house due to katrina. crazy. i don't know what i'd do in that situation. how much would i try to salvage? would i be a rebel and try to stick it out? would i be dissobedient and return to the scene before it's been cleared? yeah, i must be grateful today...i must be.
well, that's all folks. i'm out of words at the moment.
but anyway, it could all be worse. good news is, i've created a set list for my mini-concert. and i haven't had to evacuate my house due to katrina. crazy. i don't know what i'd do in that situation. how much would i try to salvage? would i be a rebel and try to stick it out? would i be dissobedient and return to the scene before it's been cleared? yeah, i must be grateful today...i must be.
well, that's all folks. i'm out of words at the moment.
28.8.05
i don't know
i'm not sure what it is i'm not able to know but i feel as if i don't. it's weird. it's an "off" feeling. like when you know a certain food is no longer good but you're not sure how exactly you know--there's no funky smell, no mold--but you just know it's off.
i don't know...perhaps it's just that i've been awake for many hours and i didn't do all i wanted to do today. like walk. i wanted to walk down to the lake and write. i guess i can do that tomorrow. it'll be warm again (so they say) so i'd better make the most of it.
so much to do. so little enthusiasm.
i have to plan a mini-concert. wow. there's something i know...but how do i do it?
i don't know...perhaps it's just that i've been awake for many hours and i didn't do all i wanted to do today. like walk. i wanted to walk down to the lake and write. i guess i can do that tomorrow. it'll be warm again (so they say) so i'd better make the most of it.
so much to do. so little enthusiasm.
i have to plan a mini-concert. wow. there's something i know...but how do i do it?
22.8.05
dead
that's what my optical nerve is. dead. and there's no human remedy presently available to wake it.
a miracle.
to be honest, i'm tired of praying for one. i got tired almost 2 years ago, not that long after my optical nerve died.
i'm not sure how i feel about how i feel and what that says about my faith or my spiritual journey or my personal relationship with God. i know it says that i'm human and humans tire.
but i'm quite alive otherwise. i'm still fighting laziness and other beasts of the field.
a miracle.
to be honest, i'm tired of praying for one. i got tired almost 2 years ago, not that long after my optical nerve died.
i'm not sure how i feel about how i feel and what that says about my faith or my spiritual journey or my personal relationship with God. i know it says that i'm human and humans tire.
but i'm quite alive otherwise. i'm still fighting laziness and other beasts of the field.
18.8.05
btk -- billy the kid?
no. bind torture kill (in case you aren't up on the news).
he's getting all life sentences with no possibility of parole until 40 years from now when he'll be 100. and if he's put among the prisons general population with no one to guard his safety, he'll be lucky to live even half those years. madness. the prosecution is wicked. yeah, rader's no poster child for huggies but boy does he need a hug!
i like to think he's repentant. maybe i'm too hopeful. i certainly see no point in wishing death upon him....remember, that's just like killing him. then i'd have to go on trial and we know that would just be too dramatic. all the crying...i just couldn't take it. my eyes would get puffy. oh no!
but seriously though, it takes too much energy to hate and wishing that someone would die....well, i just pray i never do.
be thou kind (before the kingdom).
peace
he's getting all life sentences with no possibility of parole until 40 years from now when he'll be 100. and if he's put among the prisons general population with no one to guard his safety, he'll be lucky to live even half those years. madness. the prosecution is wicked. yeah, rader's no poster child for huggies but boy does he need a hug!
i like to think he's repentant. maybe i'm too hopeful. i certainly see no point in wishing death upon him....remember, that's just like killing him. then i'd have to go on trial and we know that would just be too dramatic. all the crying...i just couldn't take it. my eyes would get puffy. oh no!
but seriously though, it takes too much energy to hate and wishing that someone would die....well, i just pray i never do.
be thou kind (before the kingdom).
peace
17.8.05
so....
went to the doctor.
not pleased.
felt dismissed from the moment she walked through the door.
felt like smacking her upside her head.
and you know, it's not because she didn't say what i wanted to hear. it's because she didn't try to explore the notion that taking an aspirin a day will be damaging. it's that she didn't try to express any concern for the fact that i'm trying to be proactive about my future. i didn't say i don't want to take medication. i didn't claim to have a better way. i simply asked for an alternative. how is it possible for there to be NO alternatives? can i get a referral? can you suggest i read book x on the topic? can you recognize my desire for knowledge and help a sister out?
when i taught english composition, i tried to always find alternatives. if the student couldn't grasp something one way, i tried something else. if they weren't a audio learner i tried visual. some worked better with groups than alone so we did both. that's what the students needed. all i want from a doctor is some out of the box thinking. i don't need them to know all the natural remedies. i recognize the tension between the two camps. i'm not asking for a defector i just need someone to recognize the fact that i need info, i care for my body, i want what's best, and i'm willing to do what it takes to get the best. maybe i should write a letter the next time i go to a doctor explaining my intentions and expectations. i'll hand it to him/her at the beginning of our appointment and if they react well, i'll proceed to discuss my problem. if they push their nose up, i'll leave.
simple. yeah right.
anyway, since i've only been on aspirin for roughly 2 years no 22, i may continue. but this fight ain't over. i will not be bound to a drug forever. i will not.
not pleased.
felt dismissed from the moment she walked through the door.
felt like smacking her upside her head.
and you know, it's not because she didn't say what i wanted to hear. it's because she didn't try to explore the notion that taking an aspirin a day will be damaging. it's that she didn't try to express any concern for the fact that i'm trying to be proactive about my future. i didn't say i don't want to take medication. i didn't claim to have a better way. i simply asked for an alternative. how is it possible for there to be NO alternatives? can i get a referral? can you suggest i read book x on the topic? can you recognize my desire for knowledge and help a sister out?
when i taught english composition, i tried to always find alternatives. if the student couldn't grasp something one way, i tried something else. if they weren't a audio learner i tried visual. some worked better with groups than alone so we did both. that's what the students needed. all i want from a doctor is some out of the box thinking. i don't need them to know all the natural remedies. i recognize the tension between the two camps. i'm not asking for a defector i just need someone to recognize the fact that i need info, i care for my body, i want what's best, and i'm willing to do what it takes to get the best. maybe i should write a letter the next time i go to a doctor explaining my intentions and expectations. i'll hand it to him/her at the beginning of our appointment and if they react well, i'll proceed to discuss my problem. if they push their nose up, i'll leave.
simple. yeah right.
anyway, since i've only been on aspirin for roughly 2 years no 22, i may continue. but this fight ain't over. i will not be bound to a drug forever. i will not.
16.8.05
no computer
my laptop decided to lose it's mind this morning. apparently, there's some sort of error in the system that needs some fixin. i was sad when my dad took it to get looked at. i felt as if a part of me was sick. i know, it's sad. i'm addicted to my laptop. but it's all for a good cause....i think.
the plus side of it all is that i got other stuff done. i got to explore more of my creative side as i made a couple of cards. i found out that old cards are good for more than making little jewelry boxes. they can actually become new cards. and with care, big envelopes can become small envelopes....yeah, i'm sure that really intrigues you.
anyway, i'm on the hunt for better health methods. it's hard to decide between meds and natural ideas. though part of my decision making will be made based on what i'm told by doctors, i realize that they don't always say all they could say. they often want you out of their office asap so they shove a prescription in your hand or, better yet, tell you about an over the counter that'll do the trick. but i will sit in ignorance no longer! i'm going to do my research so that when i see the good doctor, i have relevant questions, comments, insights, etc. -- sometimes they just need to know that you're not just there to get a sugar pill. you're for real. you're not some nut case with a chronic case of nuttiness.
when they thought i had a heart problem and were doing all sorts of heart tests, i researched the heart. i figured out how the blood flows, why it goes in a certain pattern, the various conditions that interrupt that pattern. i went into a checkup one day with a bunch of questions and a printout of a heart with labels and all. the doctor was a bit surprised, i could tell. but he respected my efforts and took the time to break it all down a bit more as it related to my specific crazy situation.
but there come times when it's all a bit overwhelming and all i want is a quick fix or at least a quick reassurance of some sort. we'll see what tomorrow brings. and the day after and......this may have a happy ending while here on earth. it may not. i prefer the former but believe the latter. does that mean i don't have faith? i don't think so. i just keep on learning that not all is rosey but that that doesn't determine whether or not i die smiling :)
i've become a fighter.
the plus side of it all is that i got other stuff done. i got to explore more of my creative side as i made a couple of cards. i found out that old cards are good for more than making little jewelry boxes. they can actually become new cards. and with care, big envelopes can become small envelopes....yeah, i'm sure that really intrigues you.
anyway, i'm on the hunt for better health methods. it's hard to decide between meds and natural ideas. though part of my decision making will be made based on what i'm told by doctors, i realize that they don't always say all they could say. they often want you out of their office asap so they shove a prescription in your hand or, better yet, tell you about an over the counter that'll do the trick. but i will sit in ignorance no longer! i'm going to do my research so that when i see the good doctor, i have relevant questions, comments, insights, etc. -- sometimes they just need to know that you're not just there to get a sugar pill. you're for real. you're not some nut case with a chronic case of nuttiness.
when they thought i had a heart problem and were doing all sorts of heart tests, i researched the heart. i figured out how the blood flows, why it goes in a certain pattern, the various conditions that interrupt that pattern. i went into a checkup one day with a bunch of questions and a printout of a heart with labels and all. the doctor was a bit surprised, i could tell. but he respected my efforts and took the time to break it all down a bit more as it related to my specific crazy situation.
but there come times when it's all a bit overwhelming and all i want is a quick fix or at least a quick reassurance of some sort. we'll see what tomorrow brings. and the day after and......this may have a happy ending while here on earth. it may not. i prefer the former but believe the latter. does that mean i don't have faith? i don't think so. i just keep on learning that not all is rosey but that that doesn't determine whether or not i die smiling :)
i've become a fighter.
15.8.05
5:30am
i just had a really great chill season with a guy who's like a little brother...he's actually one of my little brother's friends. i'm getting together with a few folks to sing an a cappella number this weekend; he's one of them. we talked for a couple of hours. it's amazing how easy it is to be real, give advice, swap music ideas, share concerns and have fun all at the same time. i have a responsibility to those younger than i. it's kind of scary to admit that at times. i don't often understand how and why others look up to me. when i find that out, i say a prayer for guidance and mutter this is bizarre under my breath. and God hears and He says, yes, it is bizarre; you're seriously human. and i say, why yes, i am. so why'd you pick me? and He says, you'll be fine; just be honest.
so i'm being honest or trying to. my "little brother" asked how i can be so chill about being single. that question is sort of like a child asking its parent how Jesus and God are different and the same. you just don't have all the answers the child needs. you can't explain it perfectly. you have to explain it based on your understanding of and relation to it. you can't get philosophical. you can't pull out the bible (you could but you'd probably get a blank stare). you simply speak from your heart without getting all emotional.
sidebar: as time passes, i find out who's reading my blog and then think of how fun it could be to write complete untruths, start a few rumors, kick up a bit of dust...
oh, yeah, about "5:30". it's a really good time to wake up if i've had enough sleep. hopefully it'll happen again tomorrow even though i had a very late supper.
i feel as if there's so much more to write. i guess there is but i'm just nackered!
so i'm being honest or trying to. my "little brother" asked how i can be so chill about being single. that question is sort of like a child asking its parent how Jesus and God are different and the same. you just don't have all the answers the child needs. you can't explain it perfectly. you have to explain it based on your understanding of and relation to it. you can't get philosophical. you can't pull out the bible (you could but you'd probably get a blank stare). you simply speak from your heart without getting all emotional.
sidebar: as time passes, i find out who's reading my blog and then think of how fun it could be to write complete untruths, start a few rumors, kick up a bit of dust...
oh, yeah, about "5:30". it's a really good time to wake up if i've had enough sleep. hopefully it'll happen again tomorrow even though i had a very late supper.
i feel as if there's so much more to write. i guess there is but i'm just nackered!
14.8.05
yeah
i need some time...give me a few minutes, or hours...tomorrow's good.
okay, maybe just a few minutes. i need to write. so here:
i'm starting a new ministry which is, in a way, like starting a new life. it's called m3ministry and instead of telling you a whole lot about it, i'll allow you to check the site and give me feedback. it needs some more adjustments and additions but for now, that's what i've got down. i'm going to keep it as simple as possible and update it as often as possible.
the ministry is a huge step for me. i'm kicking fear and venturing into waters that may be deep, muddy, shark or crock infested, or even frozen over. but i'm heading out. i've got the gear i presently need and other gear may be purchased, borrowed, or accepted in gift form (preferably) along the journey.
i ask for your prayers. i'm happy about my decision. it's a peace-giving decision.
okay, maybe just a few minutes. i need to write. so here:
i'm starting a new ministry which is, in a way, like starting a new life. it's called m3ministry and instead of telling you a whole lot about it, i'll allow you to check the site and give me feedback. it needs some more adjustments and additions but for now, that's what i've got down. i'm going to keep it as simple as possible and update it as often as possible.
the ministry is a huge step for me. i'm kicking fear and venturing into waters that may be deep, muddy, shark or crock infested, or even frozen over. but i'm heading out. i've got the gear i presently need and other gear may be purchased, borrowed, or accepted in gift form (preferably) along the journey.
i ask for your prayers. i'm happy about my decision. it's a peace-giving decision.
mad as hell
i just read the side effects of aspirin. why didn't you do that before? you may ask...well, i trust most doctors. and when you've experienced something as crazy as sight loss and your doctor tells you that 81 mg of aspirin per day is a good thing because it seems that your sight loss is the result of a blood clot (and resulting stroke), you take 81 mg of aspirin per day. you don't question it; you're scared and you want to do everything you're told so as to prevent any more sight loss. and hey, many doctors take 81 mg per day so why should you worry?
you worry because now you're experiencing what seems like a side effect and even though you should first go to a doctor, ask questions, get a proper diagnosis, you just want to smack a doctor, any doctor and say why don't you tell a patient everything all the time?
but i shouldn't get all worked up and irrational, right. i should be calm, make an appointment first thing tomorrow, right? i should just say a prayer and be hopeful, right? right?
if i die smiling, it probably won't have anything to do with my health. i hope i don't die angry. that'd be a shame.
don't worry; this isn't a death prophecy, just a mad-as-hell commentary. the next entry will be positive and won't mention the "d" word.
you worry because now you're experiencing what seems like a side effect and even though you should first go to a doctor, ask questions, get a proper diagnosis, you just want to smack a doctor, any doctor and say why don't you tell a patient everything all the time?
but i shouldn't get all worked up and irrational, right. i should be calm, make an appointment first thing tomorrow, right? i should just say a prayer and be hopeful, right? right?
if i die smiling, it probably won't have anything to do with my health. i hope i don't die angry. that'd be a shame.
don't worry; this isn't a death prophecy, just a mad-as-hell commentary. the next entry will be positive and won't mention the "d" word.
so, i guess i have to
take a step back and say that the oprah episode i spoke of wasn't actually a piece of trash. i suppose i should have watched it before judging. i was told by my sister that it was actually a good view, informational in fact. don't judge a book by it's cover, blah, blah, blah....i'm still learning that lesson.
in other news, i have a new slogan:
die smiling!
it can be taken literally if you like, but i think of it figuratively. it's all about contentment. it's all about living a life that enables me to look back while on my death bed (should i have a bed...i may have a plane or a car or a sidewalk) and know that i've lived well.
in other news, i have a new slogan:
die smiling!
it can be taken literally if you like, but i think of it figuratively. it's all about contentment. it's all about living a life that enables me to look back while on my death bed (should i have a bed...i may have a plane or a car or a sidewalk) and know that i've lived well.
it's about living honestly, doing exactly what God says when He says, walking with purpose, making the most of 24 hours, getting enough sleep whenever possible, making sleep a priority, eating well, exercising well, writing well, and singing like my life depends on it--because it does.
11.8.05
things to be thankful for:
i'm getting rid of the nashville weight
i feel as if i'm getting a job that won't consume all my energy
i'm heading in a direction God wants me in
i ate some nice tasting mango
i'll be in bed by 11 tonight
things to be upset about:
i ate too much mango
maybe i won't get to bed by 11 tonight
dialup feels slower and slower every day
i haven't spent enough time working on my writing lately
things to smile over:
an old family friend is here for a few days and she's lovely
i got nashville pics developed
i've been name dropping almost all day long
and:
things really seem to be lining up. i mean, it's not like i'm getting all sort of money tossed my way and it's not like i'm getting a recording contract...that's not my definition of "lining up." what i'm meaning is that i just have a strong knowledge that i'm on the right road, in the right story, seeing the proper sun. it's good. but stuff like this takes time. this isn't overnight magic.
i feel as if i'm getting a job that won't consume all my energy
i'm heading in a direction God wants me in
i ate some nice tasting mango
i'll be in bed by 11 tonight
things to be upset about:
i ate too much mango
maybe i won't get to bed by 11 tonight
dialup feels slower and slower every day
i haven't spent enough time working on my writing lately
things to smile over:
an old family friend is here for a few days and she's lovely
i got nashville pics developed
i've been name dropping almost all day long
and:
things really seem to be lining up. i mean, it's not like i'm getting all sort of money tossed my way and it's not like i'm getting a recording contract...that's not my definition of "lining up." what i'm meaning is that i just have a strong knowledge that i'm on the right road, in the right story, seeing the proper sun. it's good. but stuff like this takes time. this isn't overnight magic.
9.8.05
sophisticated
i warmed up my lunch and took it downstairs in hopes of watching something good while i ate. (you should know that i hardly watch television because there's hardly ever anything worthwhile on. and by worthwhile i mean, worthy of my time away from the many other things that occupy each precious moment that graces my life.) having not seen oprah in a while, i found the right channel and hoped for the best. a commercial was on so i clicked the "info" button and read "seven cheating husbands confess while their wives sit backstage." with disgust, i quickly changed the channel, remembering a recent comment i'd made to a friend: "oprah's just a sophisticated version of jerry springer." here was my proof.
as i chewed my food and scrolled through the guide, i realized that if i really wanted a worthwhile viewing, i'd better go to CNN or BBC but i didn't want the news so i kept on scrolling.
ah, finally! fashion file. surely it wouldn't disappoint me. while i probably wouldn't learn something mind boggling, i knew it would at least be a fun way to spend the rest of my lunch break. a designer was being interviewed; she spoke of the importance of creating timeless pieces not trendy things that only last six months. i nodded in agreement as more rice and stew entered my system. yummy. good job mum!
a few moments later, a design duo from london, england was being reviewed. a very unique collection. i wouldn't wear it but yay for london!
last on the program was a designer whose work is, apparently, fabulous. her latest line is influenced by jamaica, apparently. apparently she's taken rasta wear and made it sophisticated. there's that word again. but this time (maybe because i didn't say it) it annoyed me. what exactly is sophisticated rasta wear? and who are you to decide? really, will it really catch on? will it really influence the fashion world? sorry to burst your opinion bubble but rastafari has influenced the world for years already. but since this designer has taken the colours and the "embroidered hats" and put them on scrawny tall model skin, the fashion world must watch out, huh?
sophisticate this!
take your privileged self and do something useful for once. save the world, really.
...i write all this then realize....you don't have to be rich to sophisticate something. you just have to believe the your way of doing something is worthy of more praise and more money. yes, it is about ben franklin. yes, i've probably done it too.
but i can't think of an instance so i'll keep on complaining about the rich...
as i chewed my food and scrolled through the guide, i realized that if i really wanted a worthwhile viewing, i'd better go to CNN or BBC but i didn't want the news so i kept on scrolling.
ah, finally! fashion file. surely it wouldn't disappoint me. while i probably wouldn't learn something mind boggling, i knew it would at least be a fun way to spend the rest of my lunch break. a designer was being interviewed; she spoke of the importance of creating timeless pieces not trendy things that only last six months. i nodded in agreement as more rice and stew entered my system. yummy. good job mum!
a few moments later, a design duo from london, england was being reviewed. a very unique collection. i wouldn't wear it but yay for london!
last on the program was a designer whose work is, apparently, fabulous. her latest line is influenced by jamaica, apparently. apparently she's taken rasta wear and made it sophisticated. there's that word again. but this time (maybe because i didn't say it) it annoyed me. what exactly is sophisticated rasta wear? and who are you to decide? really, will it really catch on? will it really influence the fashion world? sorry to burst your opinion bubble but rastafari has influenced the world for years already. but since this designer has taken the colours and the "embroidered hats" and put them on scrawny tall model skin, the fashion world must watch out, huh?
sophisticate this!
take your privileged self and do something useful for once. save the world, really.
...i write all this then realize....you don't have to be rich to sophisticate something. you just have to believe the your way of doing something is worthy of more praise and more money. yes, it is about ben franklin. yes, i've probably done it too.
but i can't think of an instance so i'll keep on complaining about the rich...
7.8.05
networking
what's to much in the networking world? selling one's soul, i guess. and that's certainly not what i want to do. i'd much rather sit back and have people just knock down my door but that's not going to happen. i have to be assertive. i have to be a go-getter. it's so not my style.
so i went to a pentacostal church today. i've wanted to go for a while now, hear it was a nice congregation...i wasn't disappointed. it's the first time i've had communion outside of the sda church. there was no foot washing, just grape juice and crackers (i much prefer communion bread)....
anyway, after church, i met a few people. they just turned around and introduced themselves. one lady asked me what i do. i said i'm looking for a job (yes, i'm actually looking now that my bank account is ugly). she told me that the baptist church is looking for a secretary. she also asked if i'd be interested in living at their house for a few months. they (the couple) will be out of town and don't want their daughter home alone. they'd like nice christian girls to live with her. rent is cheap. the house is massive. she said her husband suggested she ask me. she'd never met me. what made them think i was a nice christian girl before i'd even opened my mouth? i dunno. she said that maybe this was all meant to be (our meeting, her telling me about the job, etc.) i agreed.
we'll see, won't we!
in other news, it's almost 10:30pm and i'm heading to bed! television is really crap, a definite waste of time, a disgusting reminder of human frailty....except for bbc news and home improvement shows. ha
so i went to a pentacostal church today. i've wanted to go for a while now, hear it was a nice congregation...i wasn't disappointed. it's the first time i've had communion outside of the sda church. there was no foot washing, just grape juice and crackers (i much prefer communion bread)....
anyway, after church, i met a few people. they just turned around and introduced themselves. one lady asked me what i do. i said i'm looking for a job (yes, i'm actually looking now that my bank account is ugly). she told me that the baptist church is looking for a secretary. she also asked if i'd be interested in living at their house for a few months. they (the couple) will be out of town and don't want their daughter home alone. they'd like nice christian girls to live with her. rent is cheap. the house is massive. she said her husband suggested she ask me. she'd never met me. what made them think i was a nice christian girl before i'd even opened my mouth? i dunno. she said that maybe this was all meant to be (our meeting, her telling me about the job, etc.) i agreed.
we'll see, won't we!
in other news, it's almost 10:30pm and i'm heading to bed! television is really crap, a definite waste of time, a disgusting reminder of human frailty....except for bbc news and home improvement shows. ha
4.8.05
high speed
while the loading of my blog reminds me of how nice it would be to have a speedier internet connection, being home reminds me of how i felt exactly a year ago when i returned to alberta from chicago not wanting to work but feeling an extreme urge to be doing something like work.
let me explain the whole work thing. i don't like doing it because it's often a chore. "dud" may be your response to that sentence but listen, i'm tired of working. i just want to have fun. and i realize that when i'm enjoying my job, the word "work" doesn't come into play.
so...even though i felt rejuvenated a few days ago and said that as soon as i come home, i'll get cracking, i'm now back to that scared state. do i do music? do i continue to write? do i do both? do i try to find a teaching job? (NO to that one) do i get a plane ticket to london and mooch off my grandmothers for a while? (NO again)
yeah, i need a rigorous schedule. it does wonders, really. for two weeks, my days were planned so well that i treasure every drop of sleep. i have come back with the same idea about sleep, though. that's good. i was in bed before 11pm last night! i've made some progress. if nothing else, nashville taught me to go to bed early whenever possible...and it taught me a whole lot more too.
i learned to face my fears. i've hung my music school name tag (we had to wear it in order to eat in the caf) on my master's grad cap which sits on my masters diploma which hangs on my wall. i've graduated from fear.
it's time to work...
let me explain the whole work thing. i don't like doing it because it's often a chore. "dud" may be your response to that sentence but listen, i'm tired of working. i just want to have fun. and i realize that when i'm enjoying my job, the word "work" doesn't come into play.
so...even though i felt rejuvenated a few days ago and said that as soon as i come home, i'll get cracking, i'm now back to that scared state. do i do music? do i continue to write? do i do both? do i try to find a teaching job? (NO to that one) do i get a plane ticket to london and mooch off my grandmothers for a while? (NO again)
yeah, i need a rigorous schedule. it does wonders, really. for two weeks, my days were planned so well that i treasure every drop of sleep. i have come back with the same idea about sleep, though. that's good. i was in bed before 11pm last night! i've made some progress. if nothing else, nashville taught me to go to bed early whenever possible...and it taught me a whole lot more too.
i learned to face my fears. i've hung my music school name tag (we had to wear it in order to eat in the caf) on my master's grad cap which sits on my masters diploma which hangs on my wall. i've graduated from fear.
it's time to work...
3.8.05
i'm back at home
i'm fat (okay, so maybe i'm not fat but i've gained weight and must work seriously on getting rid of my new stomach and thighs).
i'm tired.
and i feel as if the last two weeks were a dream. i lived them so quickly. i want to relive them or get an extension of them. i'm afraid i'll forget them like a good week of prayer or something.
to bed!
i'm tired.
and i feel as if the last two weeks were a dream. i lived them so quickly. i want to relive them or get an extension of them. i'm afraid i'll forget them like a good week of prayer or something.
to bed!