27.3.06

filling in blanks

i don't have it all worked out just yet though i wish i did because then i could explain myself better and my experience could be a much more powerful witness...one day.

for now, while it's still pre 10pm, i'll say this: while on the "just a closer walk with Jesus" journey, it's important to not only pay attention to whether or not i'm actively connecting with Him through prayer and bible study but whether or not i'm actively paying attention to people, to immediate needs, and to resting in the everyday joy. examples of everyday joy are:

1. waking up
2. eating food that tastes good
3. cooking food that tastes good
4. having meaningful conversations
5. putting on comfortable clothes that look good
6. thanking God for sales
7. sharing God's blessings

till later...

26.3.06

wear your heels!

today was the best sunday i've had in a very long time. it was just a great day period.

i woke up well rested, though desirous (as usual) of a little more time under the covers. the last two days found me feeling fluish--NOT GOOD! so saturday night i got to sleep earlier than usual and slept soundly and well...the covers hadn't moved much by morning. YAY!

anyway, once i finally got out of bed, showered, had devotions, ate, conditioned my hair (it's happier now) and other things here and there, the time soon came for my departure. departure? to where? to shop!!

let me set up the background for you to facilitate better understanding.

i don't particularly care for shopping. it's not some lovely thing i must do often. more often than not, i go shopping when i NEED something not simply when i WANT something. consequently, my shopping experiences can be a right pain because, more often than not, i don't find what i need very easily. so it's best that i go alone. going with friends or family only makes the experience more frustrating. can we leave yet? are you done yet? blah blah blah.

so i went alone to the metropolis 20 minutes away called red deer. i started at the southern most point planning to work my way all the way north. thankfully, time did not permit me to travel through all shopping areas....i probably would have been tired and faint by the end if i'd made it everywhere.

well, i went with a list in hand. i'd drafted the list before going so as to make my conscious fully aware of what my subconscious had in mind. ha. the list is quite imaginative and lovely. i knew i wouldn't get everything on my list today but i had hopes that a few things would be purchased. and i allowed myself the option of picking up things NOT on my list if, indeed, they fit the general scheme of things. and a lovely pair of flat, pointed, green slingbacks made it in! woohoo!!

yes, this was a really great shopping time. i didn't spend that much money. i actually got quite a few sales...always a bonus! and i left red deer feeling confident that i'd soon get all i need.

need.

such a peculiar word. it's often the result of our dysfunction, our desire to be like/look like/sound like/etc someone else. so we purchase, purchase, purchase. i heard a couple of ladies in the changing room. one was trying on a dress that the other greatly admired. apparently it didn't fit perfectly but for only $25? why not? ha! that's how NOT to shop. that's how you rack up crazy debt. if the dress doesn't fit the way it's meant to fit then unless you're a fabulous seamstress or you know one who won't charge you, leave the dress in the store!

okay, i got off track there.

need.

i'm realizing my need to focus on myself in certain areas. today reminded me of that when i slipped on my brown heels, shoes i haven't worn since probably july or so, shoes that remind me to look the way i enjoy looking. i enjoy good, clean lines and warm textures. i enjoy comfortable heals. i enjoy material that fits well and flows well. so why aren't i wearing those clothes more often? why do i reserve them for church or weddings or other "dress up" occasions? just because i don't have a 9-5 in the corporate world doesn't mean that jeans and a sweatshirt should be as good as it gets! why have i let myself go? did i ever have myself? have i ever been a consistent dressor? i don't know. nevertheless, it's time to take things up a notch...not so that i get flanked with compliments but it's amazing how a pair of heels (or anything that's truly you) can step things up mentally. seemingly all of a sudden, i'm about business again...and not just while i'm in the heels but after they're off and the sweatpants are back.

it's the process. i had hair issues. i talked them over with a friend. the friend diagnosed the problem as spiritual. i'll admit, i didn't believe that at first. but i allowed myself to process the possibility. could my God connection really be so jacked up that now my hair is an issue? yes. but it didn't happen overnight. i didn't wake up and suddenly have a hair issue. it resulted from years of misguided value judgments, faulty conclusions, unfortunate perceptions. and not just my hair because my hair affected my entire being. so from the top down, i had become detached from God's will for me in some very significant ways, ways i didn't think had any spiritual connection. hair? how can hair mess with spiritual wholeness? oh trust me! it can. it did. i hope it doesn't any longer. heels? oh yes! let's just say that when you pray for something and when that prayer is from a real desire, keep the prayer! don't get rid of the prayer just because it's not a matter of life and death. i know...i'm being a little vague here but trust me when i say that heels are significant, really really significant. i must keep my heels and i must wear my heels.

let me just state, however, that i'm not advocating shopping as pain medicine. shopping has been, for me, the result of growth. God actually doesn't mind if i look good. hmmmm, what a concept. (yeah, i've got issues)

when an organization is having troubles, we do our analysis from the top down. the same is true for ourselves. when we've hit a rough patch, we can't automatically run to the store, spend some cash and expect to feel better. first we check the head...not the hair...the brain. what's not functioning right? what thoughts are interfering with growth? as we ask and answer, we move from the head and work our way down. we may not have to hit on every single body part...in fact, we may go from head to hair to heels...that's how it happened for me. but whatever the process, we must start at the top.

who's in charge at the top? me or God? and if He's truly Lord of my life, am i trusting Him in that position? am i listening? am i responding honestly? am i dealing with my dysfunction or am i simply medicating pain? ah, there's so much to write but i need to sleep. perhaps this should become a book. i think so. it'll be about how we have the power to create a false sense of wholeness through the very things we don't think have that much power.

anway....do i have it all together now? nope! i'm still suffering from growing pains. but i'm seeing a lot of light now. my thoughts are better connected to what God wants me to do and where, and how, etc. and now i'm not so caught up in making my hair a symbol. instead, i'm just allowing it to grow. and i'm realizing that just like love should be expressed, good heals should be worn!

oh yes. today has been a very good day. : )

23.3.06

moving.on.

i've been learning a lot, A LOT, of lessons lately. the growing pains absolutely stink but i'm thankful God has patience. the lessons are:

i should not allow my hair to mess up my subconscious and therefore control (limit) my behaviour unnecessarily
i should welcome the sense of urgency to live a life that pleases the Lord
i should put my immediate and extended family first as i witness
i should not use "tough luck" as a way to dismiss self improvement
i should be more in touch with my emotions
i should learn to cook well
i should not look at the world through boxing gloves...not everything's a fight
i should often shut up and really, really listen
i should not use silence as the measure of a man
i should often take the advice i give

okay, i'm going to stop there. coz i've also learned that i should go to bed by 10pm.

14.3.06

strange happiness

today i didn't get much work done because i was frustrated with a couple of things...my hair was one of those things. i made the executive decision to stop wasting time working (i really wasn't accomplishing anything) and tackle my frustrations. so i did. and praise the Lord! victory!! well, not completely. but i'm definitely on the path to recovery.

i know, recovery is such a big word...you'd think i'd been on drugs or something. but perhaps some effective parallels can be drawn here. any addiction has major consequences and what i'm realizing more and more is how much i've allowed my hair to be an addiction. i'm addicted to making sure it's not status quo. i'm addicted to making sure my hair is a symbol of rebellion against mainstream beauty standards. i'm addicted to.....and i'm sure i could add some more.

what i thought was a simple desire to care for my hair is soooooooooo much more, all of which i don't have time to get into at the moment. i'll end by saying this: i can't continue to allow my hair to define me the way it has....as some sort of poster child/adult for natural strength, beauty, and a "real" sense of self. the last time i was this frustrated with my hair, i cut it off. that was 1998 and i was part of a radical natural hair movement among black girls at my school (even though i'd never had a relaxer. somehow my short fro gave women with relaxed hair encouragement to "go for the gold"....yeah, i thought naturalhood was gold. now i understand it to be simply another hair style. anyway...)

i'm loving this day, these strides. now i must sleep, get physical strength for tomorrow, rest my emotions from the rollercoaster.

thank you Jesus!

6.3.06

hair


it's helping me see my need for Jesus. yes, to some of you that's really really strange. but it's real.

baby steps.

2.3.06

body.shape.size

a highly profound thought just crossed my mind, one i'm sure you're dying to read! so here you go....

it's nice to live in a region of north america in which shapely white women reside. and i'm not talking about 50 yr old white women who've "let themselves go"....no, i'm talking about 25, 28, 33 yr olds who exercise, eat well, sleep well, and wake up shapely and confident.

it's nice because it has relaxed me subconsciously. i've never been obsessed about whether or not my body is the shape and size of models or celebs. but i've had my share of body concern, not wanting to be skinny but being afraid to be too much more than lean. i've known for years that my ideas of beauty are more often than not socially constructed. i've known that the typical white, blonde, blue-eyed, model size female has been the standard i'll never be able to rise to and shouldn't have to. i'm quite alright being black-skinned, black-haired, brown-eyed, etc....my hair has long been the one thing that's set me apart from women both white and black.

but with all this knowledge, it's not till now that i'm most comfortable being me, not until my environment's changed to not reflect city strutters. and because i'm not in school, i'm not bombarded by wannabe, mimicky, insecure, false-representations-of self-via-fashion chicks...well, not usually.

all that is to say this: it's a shame that i'm still being defined by what i'm not. it has taken the presence of white shapely girls to make me feel comfortable in my black shapely skin....maybe one day i'll just be me, comfortably me....