thank You

God!

tonight was better. i began by taking a 10 minute breather in a building i'd never entered here before. i sat in the foyer that was lovingly quiet except for the young man locking things up. it's okay; you can stay. so i did. i just sat there as my stomach tried to untie its knots. all my anxiety and frustration had landed there. they discussed the pros and cons of their new home. as i walked through my thoughts, they slowly took up residence outside of me.

i took stephen's advice. every time you open you sing you must mean it. sing like your life depends on it.

i suppose i'll just keep on popping ibuprofen (sp?) for my swollen vocal chords, hoping it has no crazy side effects.

i don't know if i want to audition for friday night's program as a solo act. the quartet is sounding good. we're going with plan "a". food for thought: don't get too many opinions. one seasoned voice is enough. three seasoned voices are like crows squawking to protect their children: you understand their noise but you could do without it. (okay, maybe that wasn't the best of analogies...)

my reason for hesitating to audition boils down to politics. i see it. i understand who favours who. i'm not mad about the favouritism. i'm mad about the rules that are bent or reworked as a result. i don't know if they'll bend the rules for me. i don't know that i'm that special. i do know that ben speer knows my name :) but anyway...even if i can sing, i'm just here to minister through music, not to show off my great chops, not to drive the crowd crazy, not to get a million dollar deal.

yes, this is my fear speaking. let me break it down for you. in the past, singers can only perform once for the friday night program. so if you're in a group, you can't do a solo. however, i was told our quartet was an exception. i don't want to get caught up in the mess. i don't want to be looked upon as one of those who gets to break the rules. i don't want the politics to interfere with the ministry. i'm afraid of being ineffective. but i also know that many are expecting me to sing...do i do it just because i believe my song will be a blessing?

i'm praying about it. i told God to let me know what to do in the morning. i know that regardless of rules and public opinion, His word can and will get out. i'm just making sure i'm the right vessel for friday night.

please pray for me.

goodnight.