talking to God

that's not faith. knowing that I want you to do something in order for you to do it isn't faith.

are You serious? then what in the world is it? what about abraham? he knew that You wanted him to move to an unknown so he did it. he didn't know what was out there but he heard Your voice so he moved. i'm not asking You to tell me step B. i'm just asking if You want me to do step A because i'm confident of what You've told me to do before all of this became an issue. and i don't want to act out in a way that shows i lack confidence in what You've already said.

no, i didn't have to hear Your voice for my last major decision because it all made sense and i knew that You'd spoken in the past. it took me a while to not only listen but obey. when i finally obeyed, i was just grateful You hadn't given up on me.

so how is that different from now? God, i'm scared out of my mind. i guess that's what it all boils down to. i'm afraid. i'm afraid of what i'll be, or not be. i'm afraid of who i'll have to encounter. i'm afraid of messing up. i'm really afraid of messing up because i know i'm so inadequate. and i'm so not mainstream. and i'm young. and i'm black. and this is a white world...though it's small, it's white. did i mention how not mainstream i am?

so faith. faith is knowing You'll make me adequate and more than adequate. faith is knowing that because my spiritual gifts and pursuits fit completely, i have an okay starting point. faith is knowing that whatever happens, i've got You and You've got me even more. faith is doing this thing that scares me almost as much as losing my right eye.

and after saying that, i suddenly feel as if there's nothing to be afraid of...nothing can be worse than blindness...

unless i let fear blind me...i can't let fear blind me...

here i go God...no, here WE go.