okay now

[the picture represents the confusion in my head.]

my esl students want me to hang out with them at the bar saturday night. i don't drink, smoke or shake my thang on dance floors with low lighting. but does that matter? they promised to by me a jug of water :)

what if i brought them to my house saturday night instead and served pop or even non-alcoholic wine, and we cranked up the music because i do shake my thang in my own home. will that be better?

rubbish. i'm tired of the substitutions. we do it with meat, with drinks, with valuables, with habits. yet if it's not visibly "of the world" it's not obviously "of heaven." no, i don't want to get caught up in the legalism argument here. what i want to get caught up in is authenticity. it's one of the many catch words i'll soon grow to despise, i'm sure. but for now, while i'm still luke warm about it, i'll rant about it which gets me right back to my favourite word...honesty. (is such a lonely word...)

but i don't have enough stamina right now to go further with it. my back aches because i've been slouching a lot. my head hurts because i'm not sleeping well. i feel guilty for not taking on a particular task. i'm tired of being tired. and i know i'm not doing all that i could be. it's now 10:41pm and i'm already behind schedule. i could continue to list at least 10 more things but i won't because self-destruction isn't necessary in this moment....or any moment for that matter.

now i really have to wake up and stay up at 4am. WE'VE got a lot to talk about, a lot to work through. i made a list of fears two 4ams ago. WE need to work through that too.

this is how tired i am...i'm spilling my guts, drunk with fatigue. and as i double check my spelling and grammar, the accent in my head is south african. fun times huh? i just have to hear that accent briefly and suddenly i find it hard to sound "naturally" me.

on a good note, tutoring today was so much fun. never again will i have what i had today. the particular student combination, their cultures, attitudes, senses of humor...it won't repeat. so i'll take a moment to say thank You God! thank You a million times over. You know what i need and when to supply it.

i guess that was my american thanksgiving special though i'd rather be at the wood's home eating those lovely home-made rolls. yummy!