24.1.06

i'm crying

because once again i'm tired of being tired. because i don't feel strong and though feelings only go so far i want mine to be positive. because in about four hours i'll sing for a revelation seminar and i'm not ready. because instead of singing words of encouragement i want to be sung to. because maybe in someone else's words, in someone else's voice, i'll get back that feeling

and i've stopped crying now
because i've taken the time to let these words out
but my head's exploding both from dry eye pain and tears
it's a double hurt
it's a double curse
i'd rather not be reminded
so often
that i'm breakable
that i'm blind

this is what i long for. moments of continuous tapping. letter after letter forming words, phrases, sentences, complete and fragmented. but i don't get enough. and when i do, like now, it's a stolen moment. i feel guilty. i shouldn't be here. i can't afford it. i should be working. i should be resting. i should be rehearsing. i should be praying. i should be somewhere else.

i have no words for guilt
i have no words for many things
i can't even accurately describe this moment. all i've got is "this sucks"....

and on that note, i'm off to walk through this and wave my fist at God. don't worry, He knows it's coming and He's ready to give me a piece of His mind. and i'm almost ready to listen.

thank God for feet.

2 comments:

orlok said...

waving fists is fun. enjoy the passion of feeling sad. guilt is a measure of our kindness. joy is the discarded motion of living with stress.

Dave said...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

It would be nice to have to power without the weakness, but I'd probably be the most intolerably arrogant person on the planet.

Hope your song went well...