nature's music

...a thousand wishes down below...





...when one thing goes, another comes and that's alright...

okay now

[the picture represents the confusion in my head.]

my esl students want me to hang out with them at the bar saturday night. i don't drink, smoke or shake my thang on dance floors with low lighting. but does that matter? they promised to by me a jug of water :)

what if i brought them to my house saturday night instead and served pop or even non-alcoholic wine, and we cranked up the music because i do shake my thang in my own home. will that be better?

rubbish. i'm tired of the substitutions. we do it with meat, with drinks, with valuables, with habits. yet if it's not visibly "of the world" it's not obviously "of heaven." no, i don't want to get caught up in the legalism argument here. what i want to get caught up in is authenticity. it's one of the many catch words i'll soon grow to despise, i'm sure. but for now, while i'm still luke warm about it, i'll rant about it which gets me right back to my favourite word...honesty. (is such a lonely word...)

but i don't have enough stamina right now to go further with it. my back aches because i've been slouching a lot. my head hurts because i'm not sleeping well. i feel guilty for not taking on a particular task. i'm tired of being tired. and i know i'm not doing all that i could be. it's now 10:41pm and i'm already behind schedule. i could continue to list at least 10 more things but i won't because self-destruction isn't necessary in this moment....or any moment for that matter.

now i really have to wake up and stay up at 4am. WE'VE got a lot to talk about, a lot to work through. i made a list of fears two 4ams ago. WE need to work through that too.

this is how tired i am...i'm spilling my guts, drunk with fatigue. and as i double check my spelling and grammar, the accent in my head is south african. fun times huh? i just have to hear that accent briefly and suddenly i find it hard to sound "naturally" me.

on a good note, tutoring today was so much fun. never again will i have what i had today. the particular student combination, their cultures, attitudes, senses of humor...it won't repeat. so i'll take a moment to say thank You God! thank You a million times over. You know what i need and when to supply it.

i guess that was my american thanksgiving special though i'd rather be at the wood's home eating those lovely home-made rolls. yummy!

grand scheming

in the grand scheme of things...otherwise known as life...my momentary fatigue matters not. i should have stayed up this morning. i should have taken just a few moments to look around. i would have realized all that could have been accomplished. but i concluded that more sleep was most important and since i seemingly had the option, i embraced it.

but in the grand scheme of things....

getting too relevant

in this age of being relevant, i wonder where the boundaries lie. how far can i go in my attempt to be relevant before becoming irrelevant? i'm particularly conscious of this when it comes to church, to religion, to organized religion. (do folks really have a problem with organized religion or are they just frustrated and in need of a scape goat?)

how much should i strive to be inclusive? what does that really mean anyway? where do inclusiveness and tolerance meet? and when, then, does the message become mediocre, ineffective?

ineffective is my word of the day. i've been up since 3:45 so that me and God could commune. it's been an amazing few hours. i have a new outlook on what it means to use my time wisely.

and if i spend so much time trying to be relevant that i become irrelevant....wasted.........precious moments wasted.

in case you haven't heard

an 18 yr old was shot outside the Toronto West SDA Church during the funeral service of his 17 yr old friend. this just happened on friday. the church is now a crime scene.

gangs.

if we use the word informally, many of us are part of some sort of gang. perhaps we call our gang a fraternity, sorority, small group, clique, church...perhaps we get together and do good things.

if we use the word formally, many of us are part of a gang. perhaps we call our gang a fraternity, sorority, small group, clique, church...perhaps we're a group of criminals, slowly taking lives with our thoughts and actions or inaction. maybe we're delinquents, failing to do what the Lord requires--opting to do what gives us a temporary high/rush...

...in case you haven't heard...

our schools are crime scenes
our homes are crime scenes
our workplaces are crime scenes
our churches are crime scenes

will the killers be caught? will the witnesses speak up? will the good people get together and fight?

in case you haven't heard...

Jesus' coming doesn't mean we sit and watch the sky. Jesus' coming doesn't mean we twiddle our thumbs and sigh. Jesus' coming doesn't mean we live like tomorrow's promised nor does it mean that we live as if it's not...

...in case you haven't heard...

on november 18
many young men died
many young women died
many died without hope
many live with the memory

on november 21
many have died already

on november 22
many more will die

what are we going to do about it?

should we raid homes and confiscate guns?
should we hold rallies, take our frustrations to the street?

maybe

and we should invade hearts with love
and we should rebuild churches with love
and we should transform our workplaces with love
and we should mend homes with love
and we should change the curriculum in schools -- take the bible, take the 10 c's, take whatever but leave love!

and we should hold up hope...coz there's still enough left to go around...there's still enough hope to go around...

...in case you haven't heard.

so as you pray, as you open your heart to Jesus sometime today, remember Toronto, remember your own community, remember your home, remember to love.

really.short.need.sleep

MORE

we need not focus on being unique. rather, we need to focus on being a masterpiece....Eph 2:10....God's creation....being the people HE created us to be with our specific gifts.

we shouldn't aim to simply be happy. that's global thinking. our minds need to look beyond earth.

then people will see that we are God's creation. they may not use those particular words. they may simply say there's something in you that draws me to something bigger than you. after spending more time with us, they'll realize that that bigger thing is God Almighty!

i'm attending the revive conference. tree63 has some lovely rhythms, solid lyrics, and one LOUD sound system! man. my neck got a massage tonight!

more insights in the new day.

home.sick

my students are homesick. they won't spend christmas with their families. to see the sadness on their faces is one thing...to hear the sadness is another.

hearing is so much harder than seeing yet we miss the eyes more than the ears it seems--sight is the most prized of the five senses. i can relate. i understand how blindness can lead to death. but the ears are vital, able to pick up so much that eyes (no matter how good) can't recognize.

if i could give my students an early ticket home, i would. but then they'd miss the rest of the experience and that's what it's all about...experience.

hearing. seeing. smelling. touching. tasting.

life.

but being homesick says a lot. says you love. says you care. says you miss. says more than many can relate to.

be.free

oh freedom
oh freedom
oh freedom over me

and before i'll be a slave
i'll be burried in my grave
and go home to my Lord
and be free

i'm in a singing mood.

i'll fly away

some glad morning
when this life is over
i'll fly away...

when i die, hallelujah by and by
i'll fly away

now that's where i get a bit confused. is it talking about being immediately taken up to heaven after death? if so, i guess i can't sing the song.

darn.

correction.advice.direction

i'm working more on my writing...it's a love-hate combo. well, hate's a bit strong. sometimes the editing/reworking process is actually enjoyable. other times it's a right pain. today has been good. more and more, i'm recognizing the value in other ppl's opinion of my work. sometimes my work is good and sometimes it's not. i can't always be the finally judge. i shouldn't ever be the final judge. i won't ever be the final judge (unless i keep it all to myself).

i'm rambling. i'm tired. 4am here we come!

rocks.brooms.sliders.whiplash

curling is fabulous! it's the sort of thing you can't do just once...well, i can't do it just once even though my first time has left me in pain...but i'll discuss that later.

i'm trying to think of how curling is analogous to living. i typically create ineffective analogies so perhaps i shouldn't try now. but i feel as if i must, as if it'll be the sprinkles on the cake. so here goes:

the act of curling demands attentiveness, precision, control, vision, care...as you slide each rock down the lane in hopes of either landing in the scoring zone or knocking your opponent's rock out of the zone. if you're a sweeper, you assist the rock's travels (if necessary) by making it's path "smoother." if your the skip(er?), you give direction to whoever's up by signaling with broom and hand.

and this is like life how? yeah, i dunno....maybe i'll come up with something in my sleep.

good times.

oh yes, my pain...i got whiplash. i slipped on the ice and felt my head go back quite violently. apparently i was quite close to hitting the ice. thank God i didn't! i've never realized how heavy a head is except from holding babies. i have a new appreciation for the strength of the neck. now there's an analogy for leadership!

leaders are often head heavy...have a lot of good ideas, a lot of vision, and sometimes a lot of hot air and overgrown pride. if a leader has strong assitance (the neck), there's a pretty good chance that if the leader falls, his/her assitance will be able to catch him before any major damage (head won't hit the ice).

and now i leave you with the words of my dad: the husband is the head and the wife is the neck, without which the head does not move.

yeah, my bedtime has long passed.

jazz.sleep.questions

two nights later....

i saw/heard jane bunnett and the spirits of havana...lovely

sidenote: i've tried to describe music lately and no adjective seems sufficient/qualified/right.

(meanwhile, back on the ranch) jane plays soprano sax and flute...wicked tone and finger action...her entire being connects to the music. the spirits of havana include trumpet, standing bass, drums, congas, and keyboard. i wanted to get up and dance during much of the performance but was much too shy.

since i've been slacking on my early to bed early to rise schedule, i'm quite tired for 7pm and i'm about to get to yacking on the phone. i know...i'll probably regret it in the morning. i know...

so i've got a question and those of you who read this should feel free to comment. well, maybe it's less of a question and more of a comment that's rooted in the practice of questioning. yeah, i'm not too sure of what i just wrote but i'm too tired to try and make sure it makes sense.

here's the deal: i haven't picked up a red poppy. today was remembrance day. we (the fam) went to the service in our town. it was quite long due to the many wreaths but overall, it was a good time to reflect, to remember what it means to sacrifice self for others. it's not natural to most of us, especially if the "other" isn't someone we know. and speaking of not knowing, i don't know exactly why i haven't picked up a red poppy and pinned it onto my jacket or whatever my outerwear is when i'm in public. i think it has to do with always being a foreigner and never knowing what to call home and not wanting to claim allegiance to any particular country. therefore, to wear a poppy would mean...........

ya, i'm not sure what it would mean. i guess that's what i have to figure out. i don't like wearing something without full knowledge unless it's something entirely founded on momentary fun...like a pointed birthday hat.

apparently

millions of teens across north america blog.

they detail deeply personal things that would shock, and do shock, the pants off their parents.

blogging has replaced the dear old diary in a way that is so public, some teens are paying the price...not only are their parents finding out but so are predators. because of how detailed these teens are, they've become targets of abuse from folks they never dreamed would walk into their lives, potentially ruin their lives.

so i take a moment to reflect on what i've read in the news. and i look at what i do in this space called wordhabit.blogspot.com. it's not the first time i've wondered if i'm being too personal. i know that what i write can be read by the whole wide world...and i don't mind.

truth be told, part of why it's so easy to have a blog is the knowledge that i have no idea who's reading it, judging it, loving it, etc....but i write first of all for me. and i do it online because i'm provided a pleasant space in which to do it and after all these years of computer usage, thoughts flow much better when my fingers tap the keys. i still have many journals. i buy at least one new one a year...if not more. they're more portable and my laptop's a failure. paper and pen still have their place. and since i'm so bad at keeping up with many of my friends, they can keep up with my life by reading it.

lately it's been quite an interesting read, i must say. and it only promises to get better. God's so good ya'll! what's a girl to do but keep on living for Him?

and as i live, i write.

thanks for reading.

the morning after

forgive the title but understand that with mornings come all sorts of regrets and brilliant thoughts, the thoughts that somehow escaped you just hours prior.

the interview was good..............i think. the committee was very inviting, almost too inviting. in retrospect, i feel as if they weren't as hard on me as they could have been. i wasn't looking for a gomery report or any form of inquisition. but maybe if i wasn't so young, and if it weren't so late in the day, they would have thrown a lot more tough questions my way. there were a few good make-you-stop-and-ponder questions. like what would you do if someone you went to visit told you her husband was cheating with someone online. i'm quite sure God answered that one for me.

and i'm quite sure God was with me throughout the interview. i wasn't too nervous. i had to keep my legs still and positioned comfortably to ease the nerves. and i believe that i presented myself well.

BUT!

i didn't talk about the one thing that is, for me, the essence of church stability, church growth, kingdom building, and all that stuff related to the work of the local church.

COMMUNITY!!

i know Deanna, we just talked about it didn't we? and i even jotted some more things down after we spoke. i even reviewed what i'd written yesterday afternoon. but it was nowhere to be found in all i said last night...at least not explicitly. i knew they'd start out with, so tell us more about yourself. i didn't want that question but i'd done a little brainstorming. i should have talked about community then but instead i went on about my passion for young adult ministry...not a bad thing to talk about but there was no other really open opportunity to talk about community.

boo hoo...can't live off regrets right?

right!

one thing i am glad about though, is that they didn't ask, so why do you want this job? i'd thought of an answer for that one too but saying why i want the job is sort of scary...it makes so many things a bit more real...puts me out there a bit more....

anyway, all things considered, i'm okay with the interview. but i'm going to try not to think much more about it before i beat myself over the head with critique.

the committee plans to take its time deciding (which is good) but they hope to have someone in place by january 1, 2006. so don't expect to hear any news anytime soon. but continue to pray that God's will will be done.

do you ever think of how many times God's will isn't done because of our stupidity? we pray Thy will be done but we often choose otherwise....

well, it's just after 9am and i've got too much to do and not enough time already