is that what we live for? do we work each day so that we don't have to be a slave to something? is that it? because if it is, i'll gladly never work again.
but wait...i think i'm already there. sorry for the rest of you, doing the verb so you don't have to be the noun, missing out on so much, living freely only in theory.
soon you'll breath in theory too, surrounded by "ifs" and "coulds," battered by goals too unrealistic to even dream in theory.
(if you understand all of this, good for you!)
(if you don't understand all of this, that's fine too!)
27.10.05
25.10.05
only a child
tonight i knocked at doors to get donations for the Canadian Diabetes Association. my favourite house had a mum, a little girl, and a little boy.
as the mum went to her purse, the little girl (who couldn't have been more than 6 said, mum, what are you doing?
getting money to give to the canadian diabetes association.
i wanna give some money!
and away she ran to her room and returned moments later with 5 cents! and as far as i'm concerned, it's the best 5 cents in the world!
children...aren't we supposed to be more like them?
as the mum went to her purse, the little girl (who couldn't have been more than 6 said, mum, what are you doing?
getting money to give to the canadian diabetes association.
i wanna give some money!
and away she ran to her room and returned moments later with 5 cents! and as far as i'm concerned, it's the best 5 cents in the world!
children...aren't we supposed to be more like them?
my 7-day journey
written on October 6, 2005 around 5 pm
As of 5 and one-quarter hours ago, it's official. In case I haven't yet told you and in case news hasn't made its way through the grapevine, I've submitted my resume for the position of Associate Pastor of the College Heights SDA Church in Lacombe, Alberta.
I'm imagining your various reactions as you read this. One possible reaction is, Amen! Another is, What?!?! Another is, What have I missed? Yet another is, Okay, maybe you need to settle down, rethink things. Your artsy brain needs to be a bit more practical. And my favourite is, But you have English Lit degrees. And if the last option was the first thing to cross your mind, it just goes to show that what God has in mind often has nothing to do with what we have in mind.
In the last seven days, I've learned enough to pack into another book. The most important lesson is that when we tell God we'll do anything He says and we mean it, our lives can change in a moment...we can end up far from where we ever dreamed we'd be and absolutely love it. I recently wrote a poem that holds these words: here's my number Jesus/call me any time it pleases. When I wrote that, I meant every bit of it. But, I was only thinking about the dreams I have, the hopes I have. I wasn't devoting any time to my fears or to the things I've said no to in the past. (Fear is often hard to label "fear" because we don't like admitting to having fear. It's human! Suck it up! )
God has also taught me more about faith, more about devotion, more about time management, more about vision, more about what it takes to know His will...how that foundation takes time to build, though we'll never be perfect. I couldn't have had this journey a year or two ago or even 5 months ago because I wouldn't have known how to approach it...I had other things I needed to deal with first. I probably would have read text after text hoping to find the answer. Should I submit my resume? What does the Bible have to say about submitting resumes for jobs you don't feel qualified to do? It may sound ridiculous but isn't this what we do sometimes? We go to the Bible with the wrong question. The question should be, What does the Bible say about submitting to the will of God? And if we've been growing in our walk with God, another question should be, how has God spoken to me in the past and how can those experiences help me understand what's happening now?
But more important than questioning (because thankfully, the Lord is patient with our questions, sees are inadequacies, and helps us regardless) is getting rid of junk. I hate moving because there is always junk that I haven't yet sorted through that I know shouldn't go to my next home but probably will because I'm lazy. There doesn't seem to be any time to deal with it because I'm so afraid of making time. I think it will consume me. And maybe it will. But it's worth it in the long run because months later, when I have to move again, I'll spend less time packing and I'll be much more optimistic about the move. I had to get rid of a lot of emotional junk in order to be ready for this journey. I had a lot of growing up to do. God knew that. (And I'm not saying that I feel $100 adequate to be a pastor. Oh no! But I know God equips those He calls!) And He could have begun this journey before but He wanted my head and heart to be more at ease. I'm not done growing. I'm not the only option; God can use rocks. But if He desires my non-mainstream self to do His will, I'm in.
Let me make this all a little clearer for you. About two months ago, I started m3ministry I promised God that I would use the gifts He has given me to share hope with others. I knew that I would spend the rest of my life doing 3 things: singing, writing, and teaching. I didn't know exactly where m3ministry would take me. I had no 10-year goal lined up aside from singing at the Ryman and I was prepared for that to simply remain a dream. I only knew for sure that as long as I was doing God's will, I was on the right track. And I had (and still have) every reason to believe that m3ministry is God's will.
So last Thursday, when my pastor asked me if I'd consider submitting my resume, I laughed in his face. I honestly thought he was making a joke to transition into some other topic. But he wasn't joking. He gave me a few more details and I said I'd think on it and pray about it. I spent much of that afternoon laughing about it...one of those nervous laughs that is often accompanied by the words, Oh, this is really crazy and yet it makes sense and freaks me out all at the same time.
I've thought about being a pastor before. Some may think it's only natural since my dad is a pastor and I'm so involved in local church functions. The only thing I think is natural about that is thinking that I'd never do it because of all the politics that I can't stand. I grew up wanting to be a superstar singer not a local church pastor. As my fascination with interpreting the Bible grew and my love for ministering to young adults grew, it was then somewhat natural for me to ask, Should I be going to the seminary? But I saw the seminary as more of an academic fetish than anything else. I'm a nerd. I love school. I love to be in classes with smart profs and smart classmates. And I love hermeneutics! And I love to hear the sound of my own thoughts ringing through my head and spilling out of my mouth in an amazing display of scholarly prowess. Yes, seminary seemed like more of a potential ego trip than anything else. I want to do a PhD in theology but I don't want to do another MA so to the back burner that idea went.
Now, the more I work, the more I see the need for God's light to shine through me in whatever way He chooses. The fact is, I may not get the job...and that's alright. I'll be happy either way because I'm confident that for some reason, I needed to submit my resume. By doing so, I didn't dismiss m3ministry; I simply said, Okay God. I have faith that You're in this. I wanted some assurance that I was doing the right thing. I didn't need to know whether or not I'll be chosen. I just wanted to know if God even wanted the resume.
But He put me in my place, reminding me that I don't always have to know in order to do...otherwise, there's no room for faith. I was afraid of being like the young prophet who heard the word of God then listened to the old prophet and disobeyed God...and died. I didn't think I would die (I'm not that melodramatic) and I didn't doubt my pastor's motivation but I got so caught up in doing the right thing that I almost didn't do it. And I finally admitted the truth, that I was scared out of my mind. I'm not at all mainstream in any stream. I'm not a mainstream black person, I'm not a mainstream SDA, I'm not a mainstream singer, writer, teacher. I'm not even a mainstream woman. And I was afraid that my church needs a mainstream female pastor. But that's not for me to decide. Even though so much of me is against the grain, God uses me for His glory because He gives me what I need as I need it.
When I moved home a year ago, I thought I'd only manage to be here for a year. I had no desire to do anything that would cause me to stay here any longer. Since springtime, I haven't felt that urgency to leave. I’ve never felt as though I’m settling for less than what I somehow deserve…I’ve been busy. By the time this past summer ended, I was even more involved...not just in my church, but in my community. A year ago I would have said, Sorry, I'm just passing through. If I'm given this job, I've already committed to at least 2 years here. And I'm fine with that because it's not about where you live (even though I often talk about how hard it would be to leave beautiful Alberta); it's about what you're doing.
Oh dear, this is now much longer than I ever intended. I wanted to fill all of you in at the same time but in my head, this was only 3 paragraphs and it made perfect sense. I'm sure there's a sentence above that has someone wondering if I really studied English all these years.
But here's the real deal folks. I'm asking that you pray for God's will to be done so that College Heights SDA church can have the associate pastor it needs to have, period. Thanks in advance.
As of 5 and one-quarter hours ago, it's official. In case I haven't yet told you and in case news hasn't made its way through the grapevine, I've submitted my resume for the position of Associate Pastor of the College Heights SDA Church in Lacombe, Alberta.
I'm imagining your various reactions as you read this. One possible reaction is, Amen! Another is, What?!?! Another is, What have I missed? Yet another is, Okay, maybe you need to settle down, rethink things. Your artsy brain needs to be a bit more practical. And my favourite is, But you have English Lit degrees. And if the last option was the first thing to cross your mind, it just goes to show that what God has in mind often has nothing to do with what we have in mind.
In the last seven days, I've learned enough to pack into another book. The most important lesson is that when we tell God we'll do anything He says and we mean it, our lives can change in a moment...we can end up far from where we ever dreamed we'd be and absolutely love it. I recently wrote a poem that holds these words: here's my number Jesus/call me any time it pleases. When I wrote that, I meant every bit of it. But, I was only thinking about the dreams I have, the hopes I have. I wasn't devoting any time to my fears or to the things I've said no to in the past. (Fear is often hard to label "fear" because we don't like admitting to having fear. It's human! Suck it up! )
God has also taught me more about faith, more about devotion, more about time management, more about vision, more about what it takes to know His will...how that foundation takes time to build, though we'll never be perfect. I couldn't have had this journey a year or two ago or even 5 months ago because I wouldn't have known how to approach it...I had other things I needed to deal with first. I probably would have read text after text hoping to find the answer. Should I submit my resume? What does the Bible have to say about submitting resumes for jobs you don't feel qualified to do? It may sound ridiculous but isn't this what we do sometimes? We go to the Bible with the wrong question. The question should be, What does the Bible say about submitting to the will of God? And if we've been growing in our walk with God, another question should be, how has God spoken to me in the past and how can those experiences help me understand what's happening now?
But more important than questioning (because thankfully, the Lord is patient with our questions, sees are inadequacies, and helps us regardless) is getting rid of junk. I hate moving because there is always junk that I haven't yet sorted through that I know shouldn't go to my next home but probably will because I'm lazy. There doesn't seem to be any time to deal with it because I'm so afraid of making time. I think it will consume me. And maybe it will. But it's worth it in the long run because months later, when I have to move again, I'll spend less time packing and I'll be much more optimistic about the move. I had to get rid of a lot of emotional junk in order to be ready for this journey. I had a lot of growing up to do. God knew that. (And I'm not saying that I feel $100 adequate to be a pastor. Oh no! But I know God equips those He calls!) And He could have begun this journey before but He wanted my head and heart to be more at ease. I'm not done growing. I'm not the only option; God can use rocks. But if He desires my non-mainstream self to do His will, I'm in.
Let me make this all a little clearer for you. About two months ago, I started m3ministry I promised God that I would use the gifts He has given me to share hope with others. I knew that I would spend the rest of my life doing 3 things: singing, writing, and teaching. I didn't know exactly where m3ministry would take me. I had no 10-year goal lined up aside from singing at the Ryman and I was prepared for that to simply remain a dream. I only knew for sure that as long as I was doing God's will, I was on the right track. And I had (and still have) every reason to believe that m3ministry is God's will.
So last Thursday, when my pastor asked me if I'd consider submitting my resume, I laughed in his face. I honestly thought he was making a joke to transition into some other topic. But he wasn't joking. He gave me a few more details and I said I'd think on it and pray about it. I spent much of that afternoon laughing about it...one of those nervous laughs that is often accompanied by the words, Oh, this is really crazy and yet it makes sense and freaks me out all at the same time.
I've thought about being a pastor before. Some may think it's only natural since my dad is a pastor and I'm so involved in local church functions. The only thing I think is natural about that is thinking that I'd never do it because of all the politics that I can't stand. I grew up wanting to be a superstar singer not a local church pastor. As my fascination with interpreting the Bible grew and my love for ministering to young adults grew, it was then somewhat natural for me to ask, Should I be going to the seminary? But I saw the seminary as more of an academic fetish than anything else. I'm a nerd. I love school. I love to be in classes with smart profs and smart classmates. And I love hermeneutics! And I love to hear the sound of my own thoughts ringing through my head and spilling out of my mouth in an amazing display of scholarly prowess. Yes, seminary seemed like more of a potential ego trip than anything else. I want to do a PhD in theology but I don't want to do another MA so to the back burner that idea went.
Now, the more I work, the more I see the need for God's light to shine through me in whatever way He chooses. The fact is, I may not get the job...and that's alright. I'll be happy either way because I'm confident that for some reason, I needed to submit my resume. By doing so, I didn't dismiss m3ministry; I simply said, Okay God. I have faith that You're in this. I wanted some assurance that I was doing the right thing. I didn't need to know whether or not I'll be chosen. I just wanted to know if God even wanted the resume.
But He put me in my place, reminding me that I don't always have to know in order to do...otherwise, there's no room for faith. I was afraid of being like the young prophet who heard the word of God then listened to the old prophet and disobeyed God...and died. I didn't think I would die (I'm not that melodramatic) and I didn't doubt my pastor's motivation but I got so caught up in doing the right thing that I almost didn't do it. And I finally admitted the truth, that I was scared out of my mind. I'm not at all mainstream in any stream. I'm not a mainstream black person, I'm not a mainstream SDA, I'm not a mainstream singer, writer, teacher. I'm not even a mainstream woman. And I was afraid that my church needs a mainstream female pastor. But that's not for me to decide. Even though so much of me is against the grain, God uses me for His glory because He gives me what I need as I need it.
When I moved home a year ago, I thought I'd only manage to be here for a year. I had no desire to do anything that would cause me to stay here any longer. Since springtime, I haven't felt that urgency to leave. I’ve never felt as though I’m settling for less than what I somehow deserve…I’ve been busy. By the time this past summer ended, I was even more involved...not just in my church, but in my community. A year ago I would have said, Sorry, I'm just passing through. If I'm given this job, I've already committed to at least 2 years here. And I'm fine with that because it's not about where you live (even though I often talk about how hard it would be to leave beautiful Alberta); it's about what you're doing.
Oh dear, this is now much longer than I ever intended. I wanted to fill all of you in at the same time but in my head, this was only 3 paragraphs and it made perfect sense. I'm sure there's a sentence above that has someone wondering if I really studied English all these years.
But here's the real deal folks. I'm asking that you pray for God's will to be done so that College Heights SDA church can have the associate pastor it needs to have, period. Thanks in advance.
19.10.05
wishing it could be easier
but so many good things are born out of struggle.
so i struggle...i determine that i'll pray on this one thing. i'll pray until i see change. aaahhhhh. man! as i write, i learn. as i learn, i get ticked off. do i really have to pray about that too?
yeah, sorry. no explanations today. just words on screen for my personal benefit.
so i struggle...i determine that i'll pray on this one thing. i'll pray until i see change. aaahhhhh. man! as i write, i learn. as i learn, i get ticked off. do i really have to pray about that too?
yeah, sorry. no explanations today. just words on screen for my personal benefit.
17.10.05
slowly but
i'm feeling a bit more awake today. by 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon i was wasted. justin and i went to hear the AU symphony play at HPAC. all things considered, it was pretty good. i was quite awake for the first two pieces but after intermission, my eyes really started to ache, the left one in particular. all i wanted to do was curl up in my chair and go to sleep. so i closed my eyes for a bit, hoping the darkness would ease my need for sleep. and every now and then i'd wake up, surprised that i'd been sleeping, afraid of my head dropping.
but each time i hear classical music i wonder why i don't listen to more of it. i guess i don't listen to that much music on a regular basis anyway but classical is so lovely. unfortunately, it often possesses lullaby qualities.
having the howard performing arts center on AU's campus is wonderful. it adds to the professionalism of the place. wish it was here when i was a student......i may return.
last night was nothing but jokes. chanda, jackie, georgie, and i went walking on campus. it was a little after 8 when we departed and around 10 when we returned. we have many night pics to document our fun. not only did we walk off ihop, we laughed off ihop and probably breakfast too. it was great. every day should be full of jokes. for some moments i felt as if i was back in high school and at other moments, i was just glad to be having this much fun at 26. my no means do i feel old but i realize how easy it is to think i'm beyond silly moments.
well, now it's time to repack my bags yet another time. i'm taking the train back to chicago today. i was supposed to go yesterday woke up too late...probably won't catch any of the chicago film festival as i'd hoped. *sigh* mabye next year?
homeward bound...yippee!
but each time i hear classical music i wonder why i don't listen to more of it. i guess i don't listen to that much music on a regular basis anyway but classical is so lovely. unfortunately, it often possesses lullaby qualities.
having the howard performing arts center on AU's campus is wonderful. it adds to the professionalism of the place. wish it was here when i was a student......i may return.
last night was nothing but jokes. chanda, jackie, georgie, and i went walking on campus. it was a little after 8 when we departed and around 10 when we returned. we have many night pics to document our fun. not only did we walk off ihop, we laughed off ihop and probably breakfast too. it was great. every day should be full of jokes. for some moments i felt as if i was back in high school and at other moments, i was just glad to be having this much fun at 26. my no means do i feel old but i realize how easy it is to think i'm beyond silly moments.
well, now it's time to repack my bags yet another time. i'm taking the train back to chicago today. i was supposed to go yesterday woke up too late...probably won't catch any of the chicago film festival as i'd hoped. *sigh* mabye next year?
homeward bound...yippee!
16.10.05
10 years...many lessons
ten years ago, i began my senior year of high school. to some that's a ridiculous amount of years. to me, it's simply life.
life's been a whole lot of things...good...bad...stupid...surprising...refreshing........
this weekend was spent with former classmates, their spouses, their children, their growth, their familiar personas, the craziness that is still us....we are who we are and we're not apologizing any longer. well, that's what i hope for.
God's been merciful yet again. all 30-something of us that showed up can testify to that and should testify.
i'm glad i came...now i must start heading back. a few more days away and then reality. thankfuly, it's a reality i love...i love it more than many will ever understand. so i won't try to explain it.
life's been a whole lot of things...good...bad...stupid...surprising...refreshing........
this weekend was spent with former classmates, their spouses, their children, their growth, their familiar personas, the craziness that is still us....we are who we are and we're not apologizing any longer. well, that's what i hope for.
God's been merciful yet again. all 30-something of us that showed up can testify to that and should testify.
i'm glad i came...now i must start heading back. a few more days away and then reality. thankfuly, it's a reality i love...i love it more than many will ever understand. so i won't try to explain it.
13.10.05
a while
that's what it's been...a while.
haven't done a lot of things in a while.
haven't slept for long.
haven't exercised.
haven't written in this here space.
and most importantly, it seems, i haven't read for a good period of time. it shows as i type and key "write" instead of "right" or "hear" instead of "here"...those are called homophomes in case you didn't know. and i don't even know if that word's spelled write...there i go again. this is one of the few times that i'm thankful "read" isn't "reed"...
yes, i really need sleep.
but i'd rather stay up late chatting with friends, catching up on months of time apart. this weekend is bound to leave me sick and ragged. is it worth it? i'll know on tuesday.
for now, i bask in the sweetness of slow paced berrien springs.
ciaozers.
haven't done a lot of things in a while.
haven't slept for long.
haven't exercised.
haven't written in this here space.
and most importantly, it seems, i haven't read for a good period of time. it shows as i type and key "write" instead of "right" or "hear" instead of "here"...those are called homophomes in case you didn't know. and i don't even know if that word's spelled write...there i go again. this is one of the few times that i'm thankful "read" isn't "reed"...
yes, i really need sleep.
but i'd rather stay up late chatting with friends, catching up on months of time apart. this weekend is bound to leave me sick and ragged. is it worth it? i'll know on tuesday.
for now, i bask in the sweetness of slow paced berrien springs.
ciaozers.
6.10.05
late nights
tomorrow, or this morning rather, i'll have to go back to bed after everyone is gone. it's already after 1:00am and at this rate i won't make it to actual sleep until 2. and yes, all this could have been avoided if i'd just started out my week correctly.
thankfully tomorrow's not friday.
yeah, i'm kicking myself. i must do better. it's not too much to ask. it's so necessary!
thankfully tomorrow's not friday.
yeah, i'm kicking myself. i must do better. it's not too much to ask. it's so necessary!
4.10.05
talking to God
that's not faith. knowing that I want you to do something in order for you to do it isn't faith.
are You serious? then what in the world is it? what about abraham? he knew that You wanted him to move to an unknown so he did it. he didn't know what was out there but he heard Your voice so he moved. i'm not asking You to tell me step B. i'm just asking if You want me to do step A because i'm confident of what You've told me to do before all of this became an issue. and i don't want to act out in a way that shows i lack confidence in what You've already said.
no, i didn't have to hear Your voice for my last major decision because it all made sense and i knew that You'd spoken in the past. it took me a while to not only listen but obey. when i finally obeyed, i was just grateful You hadn't given up on me.
so how is that different from now? God, i'm scared out of my mind. i guess that's what it all boils down to. i'm afraid. i'm afraid of what i'll be, or not be. i'm afraid of who i'll have to encounter. i'm afraid of messing up. i'm really afraid of messing up because i know i'm so inadequate. and i'm so not mainstream. and i'm young. and i'm black. and this is a white world...though it's small, it's white. did i mention how not mainstream i am?
so faith. faith is knowing You'll make me adequate and more than adequate. faith is knowing that because my spiritual gifts and pursuits fit completely, i have an okay starting point. faith is knowing that whatever happens, i've got You and You've got me even more. faith is doing this thing that scares me almost as much as losing my right eye.
and after saying that, i suddenly feel as if there's nothing to be afraid of...nothing can be worse than blindness...
unless i let fear blind me...i can't let fear blind me...
here i go God...no, here WE go.
are You serious? then what in the world is it? what about abraham? he knew that You wanted him to move to an unknown so he did it. he didn't know what was out there but he heard Your voice so he moved. i'm not asking You to tell me step B. i'm just asking if You want me to do step A because i'm confident of what You've told me to do before all of this became an issue. and i don't want to act out in a way that shows i lack confidence in what You've already said.
no, i didn't have to hear Your voice for my last major decision because it all made sense and i knew that You'd spoken in the past. it took me a while to not only listen but obey. when i finally obeyed, i was just grateful You hadn't given up on me.
so how is that different from now? God, i'm scared out of my mind. i guess that's what it all boils down to. i'm afraid. i'm afraid of what i'll be, or not be. i'm afraid of who i'll have to encounter. i'm afraid of messing up. i'm really afraid of messing up because i know i'm so inadequate. and i'm so not mainstream. and i'm young. and i'm black. and this is a white world...though it's small, it's white. did i mention how not mainstream i am?
so faith. faith is knowing You'll make me adequate and more than adequate. faith is knowing that because my spiritual gifts and pursuits fit completely, i have an okay starting point. faith is knowing that whatever happens, i've got You and You've got me even more. faith is doing this thing that scares me almost as much as losing my right eye.
and after saying that, i suddenly feel as if there's nothing to be afraid of...nothing can be worse than blindness...
unless i let fear blind me...i can't let fear blind me...
here i go God...no, here WE go.