stuff is simpler now

that's all i wanted to say.

thanks for listening. :)

i feel like or as if

i got a piece of "knowing" -- the kind that is relational, involves two people, real conversation and simple knowledge. i know, i'm being a bit vague but i know what i'm talking about and it's good times :)

no list
just knowledge
and happy memories

the wedding was wonderful. the bride is a close friend, the first of a circle from high school. i felt as if "we" were getting married, and as if the circle just got a brother. and he's lovely and it's simple. just love.

woo hoo!

i danced like it was going out of style -- clean dancing -- group dancing -- increase the metabolism dancing...

before i nap

i thought it'd be more than appropriate to discuss my morning.

i got to sing. it passed so quickly. all of a sudden we were sitting in the pews.

why do good moments pass like that?

i was part of a praise and worship team at a contemporary church, you know, the kind of church many traditionals take issue with because, oh my, people are standing with their hands in the air as they sing. and, oh no, there's a drum beat.

but foowee (or however you spell it) it was a blessing and i'd do it every Sabbath if i could.

there are a few things i'll give up in order to sing. they are, in no particular order:

sleep
money
breakfast (if i reeeaaaally have to)

but only for good music and for good causes with good people with me.

yup. that's my profound thought for the day.

should we stay?

sda education has its + and its -

so we stay?

should we stay?

i'm torn when it comes to my younger siblings. their first year of university will be sda. after that...i want to encourage them to go somewhere else, somewhere non-sda. allow them to taste the outside, the place we're supposed to go but not be like, the place we're often afraid of because all we know is sda ghettos.

things left unspoken

build up

then explode

fear

ties tongues

then breaks hearts

but like some money says

in God i trust

peace comes in dying...to self, not from the task

when you know that what you say to someone will absolutely crush them, and when you know that you must say it anyway, but you don't want to because even though you hate the actions, you love the person, but you have to say it because God told you to let Him use you to ensure that person's salvation, there's just no easy way...

and it's not about you. you remember clearly when you crushed someone and it was all about you. you remember when you spoke your mind just to save yourself. but this time it's different. you're not saving (because you don't have those powers) but you're a God-vessel, you're a messenger of truth. you're drinking of the endless river you say others should try. the water's bitter. you gag at the smell. and your mum's not around to ease anything.

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this sucks!

but you've been prepared to deal with it. you've been strengthened even though you feel weaker than you did yesterday. and tomorrow may not bring may flowers (since it's june) but time will heal if you let it because you were created to love and God is...

and love makes things alright somehow in time.

i'm reconsidering

sleep...once again.

i'd rather be tired. and yes, i've fully diagnosed my problem but i won't take the time to detail it here. i'll just say that this song i'm listening to right now helps me realize my problem even more.

a mi manera...i did it my way

doing things my way has never sounded better than when il divo sings about it. and if i could do things my way right now, i'd pack my book bag with my pencil case (which holds a couple of pens, a couple of pencils--mechanical and regular--a pencil sharpener, an eraser), 2 journals, blank sheets of paper, index cards, my tape recorder, a couple of blank cassettes, my laptop, 2 usb mass storage devices, headphones, my nikon manual camera, my point and shoot, 10 rolls of 400 iso film (a few b&w), my black slimline bible, pocket dictionary, driver's license, credit card, passport, a nice handful of cash, a few pieces of fancy paper to use as "thank you" cards...i think that might be all.

next i'd put on my uic sweatshirt, leave on my grey sweat pants, grab a fleece, put on my socks and sneakers, grab my umbrella, jump in a car, any car, and start driving. no music. the windows cracked just a little so that i stay awake. i'd drive until i see something i've never seen before. i'd stop there and take a nap or explore it through words (depending on the time of day).

i'd keep doing this until i want nothing more than a "regular" routine.

right now nothing's hazy but nothing's 100%. can you feel me on that? i'm not sinking in the fear that uncertainty brings but i sort of feel as if i'm floating. i don't mind it.

that's why i avoid sleep. but that's not the full reason. that i won't detail here.

my younger siblings just graduated from high school. i should be happy. but instead i'm just tired...

what if a break is good?

i'm in charge of a young adult ministry. nothing's happened since march-ish. i take the blame but it's not as if people are knocking down my door or tying up my phone line asking what the deal is.

i was just visited by this thought: what if nothing happens until august? what if we take a break for the summer?

hmm....i've never thought of that before. what a concept. a break...for the summer...

but since we started in january and didn't do anything until february and then march, a break seems a bit lame, you know what i mean?

but since it's a new ministry and things like this take a while to really get up and running, perhaps a break is a good thing(?)

i've been asking God for guidance and i believe He's answered. i'm simply impatient and though i'd rather be a good follower than a leader, i know this is what He wants me to do. so i'm trying.

and yes, friend, i'm waiting on Him...thanks for the reminder.

classical music

lulled us, but not to sleep.

we sat, we three black siblings, eating our tomato soup with crackers in it and biscuits on the side. we sat in silence because classical sounds have that affect on we three black siblings. it doesn't excite us to converse.

i broke the silence.

did you guys know that folks in the south eat rice with sugar?

what? really? why?

i dunno. that's what i found out from a southerner.

who eats rice with sugar? do they sprinkle it on top?

i dunno how it's done but they do it.

weird

yup

and then we talked about other things...above the classical lull...

i'm reconsidering...

the way i relate to sleep.

i've always wanted to be in the know. but i never want to have to ask. just want to be told. so when i sleep, unless there's something in particular i want to ponder ASAP, i think of sleep as an inconvenience. why must i lie there, close my eyes, drift off into la la land? why can't i stay awake and watch the world?

lately i've been getting to bed by midnight. most nights i have no good excuse. but there hasn't been anything i'm escaping from, no reality i desire nothing more than to dismiss even if for only 7 hours. everything i want to ponder, i want to write down on paper. if i could write in my sleep, i'd sleep all day!

so i need to rethink sleep. which means rethinking how i care for my body.

my health demands my sleep. do i care to be healthy? do i care to add years to my life?

my productivity demands my sleep. how much work in one day is enough work for that day?

my vertical connection demands my sleep. i'm tired of waking up, checking the clock, then running to the shower. can we get a few moments together first?

i'm reconsidering sleep
i'm reconsidering life

i'm reconsidering...

the way i relate to my hair.

yes, perhaps it's not the most profound thing in your book but in mine, it's serious stuff.

my hair is so important that i've written poems about it, devoted words and hours to explore its nature and what that means for me. i've even cried over it and prayed over it. yes, God cares about my curls, my twists, my braids, my fro, my unique combinations...

and now i want a change. nothing drastic. nothing that will possibly harm it like chemicals of one lye or another. just something different that looks good but doesn't consume my time -- i don't have time -- i don't want to make time -- not for my hair -- not anymore.

and i'd rather not devote time to brainstorming my options. i'd like to wake up tomorrow morning and know. no doubts. no potential possibilities to pick from. just one way.

and what would be really nice is if when i wake up, it's already done.

yes, i'm looking for a miracle ;)

mysterious ways

i don't know why a lot of things are the way they are. like how people are blessed by what i allow God to do through me. like how i'm blessed even though i'm clearly human.

i don't know the why...but i'm thankful for the now and for the when. i'm content in the how and in the then.

i sit here amazed and all i can say is

yipee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

time away

breeds discontent

breeds unnecessary attitude

breeds a truckload of regret

breeds this wish:

that i never had to wake up to the knowledge that i keep on messing up

time away is not time well spent

time away

encourages me to bad mouth

encourages me to spit figuratively on someone else's lawn

encourages me to hold a grudge

encourages this wish:

that i never have to wake up to the knowledge that i keep on being human

that i never use that as an excuse again

that i get back to time well spent

colour this

did i hear you correctly? did you say "coloured"? did you refer to people of my colour as "coloured"? did you really do that? are you really that ignorant? i mean, yes, there are things we all don't know. there are things some of us may never know. but come on! really? coloured?

perhaps it was her uncoloured attempt to be kind

"black" is too harsh

well you can take your kindness and place it gently into the ocean

but if that's too long a drive, write it down and burn it

please

do something

to destroy it

just don't share it

not with me

not with anyone

we've all got colour -- haven't you seen the crayola giant pack?

there's a crayon just for you!

take it

and colour this