i've been doing research on liberia for an encyclopedia entry (yeah, i'm taking this writing thing seriously -- it's almost overwhelming me).
as i read, i find out things that confirm my memories and other things that make my head spin. i lived in such corruption, under its nose. i was sheltered just enough to know that stuff was going down but i didn't get the full story. nevertheless, it's in my head, in my blood.
now i read about what we really lived under, the leadership that could have killed us, the rebellion that could have ripped apart our family like it did to others.
i write an encyclopedia entry with all the caution in the world. don't say native, say indigenous. don't say tribe, say ethnic group.
it's a load of you know what! i want to tell it like it is. i want to tell it like i'm from there. i want to talk about the people as if i can still touch the soil. they're real and yes, they call their tribe a tribe!
and then there's this whole thing about united states involvement. i wrote down that it didn't get too involved during the civil war due to the corrupt state of the liberian government. what i really wanted to say was that it didn't get involved because it's corrupt too and it couldn't afford to take on too much more corruption unless there was oil involved. all liberia had was iron ore -- not as much $$ as oil.
sorry guys. we'll aid you in 2005, now that stuff has died down. now that 200,000 (and counting) are dead, here's 5 million for ya. now get your act together. build up your country. fix those roads. get those schools in tact. remember, no child should be left behind. all those rifle carrying 8-yr-olds need to be in school. educate them so they can run the country. and in the meantime, we'll supply you with humanitarian aid, just enough to keep you alive, not enough to fix you. that's your job. you can do it. pull up those bootstraps. remember what we taught your ancestors on the plantations? where there's a will there's a way!
and there's also a bit more drama coming your way, oh most powerful country of the world. it's the end of time folks. we ain't seen nothin yet.
but those who live by the sword shall die by the sword...and the bomb, and the outbreak, and the problem we all have...stupidity...
26.5.05
time well spent
i've been missing my time spent with God so i hoped i'd wake early so i could talk to Him and read the bible and talk some more.
so after my crazy nightmare was documented, we spent time in Acts 27.
courage -- my pastor always asks me how my courage is.
hope -- the only way to have courage.
what's the difference between hope and optimism? after all, both could be seen as "an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome" when in reality, that's the definition for only one.
well, for starters, optimism is a noun and hope is a verb that can also be a noun. secondly, with hope comes all sorts of biblical references and christian ideology.
i used to pride myself in my optimism. now i'm content to have hope -- one of three christian virtues that keeps me alive.
pastor, my courage is good! but my subconscious is crazy and may disagree from time to time...
so after my crazy nightmare was documented, we spent time in Acts 27.
courage -- my pastor always asks me how my courage is.
hope -- the only way to have courage.
what's the difference between hope and optimism? after all, both could be seen as "an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome" when in reality, that's the definition for only one.
well, for starters, optimism is a noun and hope is a verb that can also be a noun. secondly, with hope comes all sorts of biblical references and christian ideology.
i used to pride myself in my optimism. now i'm content to have hope -- one of three christian virtues that keeps me alive.
pastor, my courage is good! but my subconscious is crazy and may disagree from time to time...
i'm so hungry
i was in my 2nd year of the MA program in english literature, the one thing i'd loved since birth it seemed. i transferred back to AU b/c my first year had been so hard at the public university -- i needed something familiar.
during that first semester, i took a lit class that somehow resembled a history class with all the facts and dates. it must have been co-taught. the male teacher was a middle-aged white scholar whose laid back style i enjoyed. he made it all seem so simple. his hair line receded and he wore a lot of bland colour combos like khaki and black or a washed out navy blue. we discussed some author's politics.
at the end of the first less, i think, we had an in-class essay test. i was by no means thrilled at the thought -- i don't recall having time to study. the man proctored the test. it was then graded by a french lady whose overall look resembled celine dion.
i sat in the classroom as she graded my essay. for some reason, i was the only student who'd stayed behind to learn my fate.
i watched her face as she read my ideology. for the test, we were given key passages to read after which we were presented with a question. she looked frustrated by my answer. at one point during her grading, she got up and went into another room where the male prof was and continued grading. when she returned, she had a look of disgust on her face and her tone was nasty.
how could i have written such an awful essay, she wanted to know. i got 6.5 out of 20. "i was so annoyed i slammed your paper down, you know. what were you thinking?" she pointed out the weaknesses in my logic, her utter disgust at my argument. "you don't know how to write a paper. you must learn how to write a paper!"
she was visibly distressed by what i'd produced. "how did you draw this conclusion from this information? look at this page. where did you get that idea?"
i sat there peacefully as she squashed any confidence i had in my ability to compose complete thoughts. she didn't know that i didn't care about this author nor did i care for his politics or the opportunity to discuss them but for all i knew, I'd done my best. there must have been a change made somehow between when i wrote the essay and when she read it.
she continued to give me a look of shame as she discussed how much grading my essay affected her physically. "perhaps you would do better if we had a closer connection."
just then, c.s. lewis and his wife appeared, their bodies laying on tables that came out of their shared tomb. they were like morgue tables that slide into the wall.
c.s. opened his eyes and gave me a knowing look.
"i'm so hungry," i said.
he knew exactly what i meant.
then i woke up. the birds were chirping. it wasn't that bright outside. i knew it was early. i knew i had to write this all down.
lesson 1 for today is this: eat a good supper so that even if you go to bed 5 hours after supper, you won't wake up starved.
lesson 2 for today is this: read "a grief observed" by c.s. lewis
lesson 3 for today is this: don't let fear give you scholastic nightmares
lesson 4 for today is this: don't believe everything you read :)
during that first semester, i took a lit class that somehow resembled a history class with all the facts and dates. it must have been co-taught. the male teacher was a middle-aged white scholar whose laid back style i enjoyed. he made it all seem so simple. his hair line receded and he wore a lot of bland colour combos like khaki and black or a washed out navy blue. we discussed some author's politics.
at the end of the first less, i think, we had an in-class essay test. i was by no means thrilled at the thought -- i don't recall having time to study. the man proctored the test. it was then graded by a french lady whose overall look resembled celine dion.
i sat in the classroom as she graded my essay. for some reason, i was the only student who'd stayed behind to learn my fate.
i watched her face as she read my ideology. for the test, we were given key passages to read after which we were presented with a question. she looked frustrated by my answer. at one point during her grading, she got up and went into another room where the male prof was and continued grading. when she returned, she had a look of disgust on her face and her tone was nasty.
how could i have written such an awful essay, she wanted to know. i got 6.5 out of 20. "i was so annoyed i slammed your paper down, you know. what were you thinking?" she pointed out the weaknesses in my logic, her utter disgust at my argument. "you don't know how to write a paper. you must learn how to write a paper!"
she was visibly distressed by what i'd produced. "how did you draw this conclusion from this information? look at this page. where did you get that idea?"
i sat there peacefully as she squashed any confidence i had in my ability to compose complete thoughts. she didn't know that i didn't care about this author nor did i care for his politics or the opportunity to discuss them but for all i knew, I'd done my best. there must have been a change made somehow between when i wrote the essay and when she read it.
she continued to give me a look of shame as she discussed how much grading my essay affected her physically. "perhaps you would do better if we had a closer connection."
just then, c.s. lewis and his wife appeared, their bodies laying on tables that came out of their shared tomb. they were like morgue tables that slide into the wall.
c.s. opened his eyes and gave me a knowing look.
"i'm so hungry," i said.
he knew exactly what i meant.
then i woke up. the birds were chirping. it wasn't that bright outside. i knew it was early. i knew i had to write this all down.
lesson 1 for today is this: eat a good supper so that even if you go to bed 5 hours after supper, you won't wake up starved.
lesson 2 for today is this: read "a grief observed" by c.s. lewis
lesson 3 for today is this: don't let fear give you scholastic nightmares
lesson 4 for today is this: don't believe everything you read :)
25.5.05
oh yeah!
i've got good news and i'm so used to being formal with my speech that i can't even share it without sounding stuffed. i just deleted a sentence that i thought clearly expressed my happiness but please, who was i kidding.
what i really want to say is:
i'm getting published!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay, it's not my book yet but it's an article for the Adventist Review. it's an unsolicited piece (which in my world makes a whole lot of difference, good difference) and they're not sure when they'll publish it but they want first rights, etc. so i have to fill out an agreement form, send in a picture, etc. and they'll give me money, a byline, etc.
YES!
now when i send out my book i can say a little more in my cover letter or proposal. yes, i have other things published but not much in the current article department.
anyway, thanks for sharing my joy. thank you God for making this possible!
sweet doggy!
what i really want to say is:
i'm getting published!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay, it's not my book yet but it's an article for the Adventist Review. it's an unsolicited piece (which in my world makes a whole lot of difference, good difference) and they're not sure when they'll publish it but they want first rights, etc. so i have to fill out an agreement form, send in a picture, etc. and they'll give me money, a byline, etc.
YES!
now when i send out my book i can say a little more in my cover letter or proposal. yes, i have other things published but not much in the current article department.
anyway, thanks for sharing my joy. thank you God for making this possible!
sweet doggy!
23.5.05
why
am i still working on this proposal?
because i didn't work enough in the past.
and as much as i'd like to postpone tomorrow, the day when post offices reopen, the day when i can send a fax, the day when i have to tutor, to plan song service, to write an article...
tomorrow is the one word i got wrong on a spelling test over 15 years ago. i still remember because it has such funky spelling. why two r's and only one m? i didn't feel dumb getting it wrong but i wanted 100% on my test...you know what i mean? so close but no cigar.
that's me right now. so close but no proposal yet complete.
i love words but only when i control when they come out.
because i didn't work enough in the past.
and as much as i'd like to postpone tomorrow, the day when post offices reopen, the day when i can send a fax, the day when i have to tutor, to plan song service, to write an article...
tomorrow is the one word i got wrong on a spelling test over 15 years ago. i still remember because it has such funky spelling. why two r's and only one m? i didn't feel dumb getting it wrong but i wanted 100% on my test...you know what i mean? so close but no cigar.
that's me right now. so close but no proposal yet complete.
i love words but only when i control when they come out.
22.5.05
use your words carefully
this record is broken
broken is this record
is this record broken?
this broken is record
record, this is broken
broken, this record is
this broken record is
is this broken record?
is broken record this?
is record this broken?
if 95% of what we say is foolish does that mean the other 5% is wise? or is the 95% simply inconsequential? and if we divided our foolish talk by our wisdom, would we find any hope?
broken is this record
is this record broken?
this broken is record
record, this is broken
broken, this record is
this broken record is
is this broken record?
is broken record this?
is record this broken?
if 95% of what we say is foolish does that mean the other 5% is wise? or is the 95% simply inconsequential? and if we divided our foolish talk by our wisdom, would we find any hope?
19.5.05
the hilton -- the book
yes, i spent a night in the hilton at o'hare airport. i volunteered to fly out a day later so they treated me nice(ly).
i had a conference room: a nice long table with 5 cushy chairs around it, a flip chart, a white board, a bed that came down from the wall, a 2-seater couch, a single seat couch, side tables, coffee tables, bar space, and all the rest...
it was the perfect work space but i didn't have enough hours. i suppose i could have stayed up late since my flight wasn't till noon and i already had my boarding pass but in all my excitement i wasn't thinking so critically.
regardless, it was wonderful and i did do some work. got an outline of how i'll use psalm 88 in my book (thanks pr. russell) and i finished book revisions on the plane in between head bucking.
it's going to happen. i'm going to get this book out of my hands and into the world. because God's helping me so all is possible and all will be.
i had a conference room: a nice long table with 5 cushy chairs around it, a flip chart, a white board, a bed that came down from the wall, a 2-seater couch, a single seat couch, side tables, coffee tables, bar space, and all the rest...
it was the perfect work space but i didn't have enough hours. i suppose i could have stayed up late since my flight wasn't till noon and i already had my boarding pass but in all my excitement i wasn't thinking so critically.
regardless, it was wonderful and i did do some work. got an outline of how i'll use psalm 88 in my book (thanks pr. russell) and i finished book revisions on the plane in between head bucking.
it's going to happen. i'm going to get this book out of my hands and into the world. because God's helping me so all is possible and all will be.
10.5.05
less is love
some of us are still learning this, some of us already know and are living examples of it: less is more.
or as i like to put it, less is love.
as i help a friend with the final plans for her big day, i recognize the pressure to please, the pressure to save face, the pressure to create something really good for others.
and i realize that we are incapable of doing any of those well at all times. and they shouldn't consume our thoughts but they do.
in five days, it will all be over. place tags will be trashed. flowers will be trashed. leftovers will be trashed. and some people may no longer like each other. and all because a couple decided to say "i do."
i don't mean to make weddings sound like a drag. i think they're lovely. the symbolism, the atmosphere, the reunion of friends and family -- it's all fabulous. but it need not consume.
nothing we do should cause us to lose focus of what really matters.
and what is that michaela, you may ask? love is simple. we need not add too much fancy trimming in order to love. contentment doesn't have to have a bow on it.
and those, dear friends, are my words of wisdom for the day.
or as i like to put it, less is love.
as i help a friend with the final plans for her big day, i recognize the pressure to please, the pressure to save face, the pressure to create something really good for others.
and i realize that we are incapable of doing any of those well at all times. and they shouldn't consume our thoughts but they do.
in five days, it will all be over. place tags will be trashed. flowers will be trashed. leftovers will be trashed. and some people may no longer like each other. and all because a couple decided to say "i do."
i don't mean to make weddings sound like a drag. i think they're lovely. the symbolism, the atmosphere, the reunion of friends and family -- it's all fabulous. but it need not consume.
nothing we do should cause us to lose focus of what really matters.
and what is that michaela, you may ask? love is simple. we need not add too much fancy trimming in order to love. contentment doesn't have to have a bow on it.
and those, dear friends, are my words of wisdom for the day.