sugar, good sugar, is so lovely. it's a beautiful experience all its own. none can compare to good sugar.
...take that as you will.
and goodnight.
18.4.07
15.4.07
emotions...
i've grown up proud of the fact that i'm not a stereotypically emotional woman. but there's always something that triggers anger or rage or something exciting like that. last night it was the viewing of "Blood Diamonds." all of a sudden, at the film's end, i was royally ticked off by things i'd just seen/heard and injustice in general. after a moment of ranting i had to just shut up for fear that terrible things would escape my lips, for fear that those around me would be offended.
but oddly enough, i'd like to feel that surge of emotion more often. i'd like to be mad about more of the things i view day to day. and more than that, i'd like my emotions to cause me to act in helpful ways that counteract injustice, that attack real issues, that force us all to stop being so comfortable.
it'll take a lot more energy than my selfishness currently allows...but i hope to get there sooner than later.
but oddly enough, i'd like to feel that surge of emotion more often. i'd like to be mad about more of the things i view day to day. and more than that, i'd like my emotions to cause me to act in helpful ways that counteract injustice, that attack real issues, that force us all to stop being so comfortable.
it'll take a lot more energy than my selfishness currently allows...but i hope to get there sooner than later.
11.4.07
it's snowing??
april showers? no may flowers? signs of the times people, signs of the times!
http://www.andrews.edu/life/webcams/index.html
http://www.andrews.edu/life/webcams/index.html
4.4.07
pretty nice
today i had a huge moment of doubt. i was trying to take a nap when the damn broke, the wave hit, the flood of negative emotions began. i didn't cry. i wanted to. instead i just depressed myself by thinking that i'm not hearing the voice of God properly. several things have happened over the last few months to make me think i'm missing something...it's my own voice i'm hearing...i'm too presumptuous, too self-absorbed to hear Him.
so i pleaded for reassurance. and He gave it in a very unexpected way...He gave me the right words to say to a friend when both of us were clueless. it was a moment like the one i experienced over 15 years ago when my little brother asked, "if God and Jesus are the same then how are they different" and i quickly responded with "ask dad." the difference tonight was that my friend couldn't wait for "dad"--she needed and wanted an answer now. so i asked God and God answered and my friend was blessed.
He does still speak and i do still hear Him. and He wants me to be sure of that so He'll do whatever He can to reassure me.
that's pretty nice God, pretty nice. thanks.
so i pleaded for reassurance. and He gave it in a very unexpected way...He gave me the right words to say to a friend when both of us were clueless. it was a moment like the one i experienced over 15 years ago when my little brother asked, "if God and Jesus are the same then how are they different" and i quickly responded with "ask dad." the difference tonight was that my friend couldn't wait for "dad"--she needed and wanted an answer now. so i asked God and God answered and my friend was blessed.
He does still speak and i do still hear Him. and He wants me to be sure of that so He'll do whatever He can to reassure me.
that's pretty nice God, pretty nice. thanks.
22.3.07
sermon prep
it's so not like spoken word or singing....why????? well, there are some similarities but it's all so new, so unborn, so i-don't-know-what....
and as for titles...the sight of blindness is a bit too literary and samson, why are you so stupid? is a bit too harsh. and untitled just does not work in this arena. so maybe i'll go with fill in the blank after the alter call but then i think i may never ever be asked to preach even for my class again...
what about hair that sees? still too artsy, too obscure? i don't know how to do simple. okay, help me out folks. my theme is that sometimes we have to be physically blinded in order to spiritually see. someone, please make a title for that! PLEASE!
okay. sleep awaits.
and as for titles...the sight of blindness is a bit too literary and samson, why are you so stupid? is a bit too harsh. and untitled just does not work in this arena. so maybe i'll go with fill in the blank after the alter call but then i think i may never ever be asked to preach even for my class again...
what about hair that sees? still too artsy, too obscure? i don't know how to do simple. okay, help me out folks. my theme is that sometimes we have to be physically blinded in order to spiritually see. someone, please make a title for that! PLEASE!
okay. sleep awaits.
12.3.07
10/10
i got 10 out of 10 on my Greek quiz today. considering the fact that it's the quiz i felt the least prepared for (even though i really studied) i think of this as a miracle! i've got nothing but 9/10 every week, all semester.
it's an online quiz and we get 3 tries! today i was rushing because i only had a few minutes before class and the quiz is over at class time. so i quickly checked my answers and had a very helpless "oh well" sort of feeling then pressed the button to put an end to what seemed like torture.
when i got my results, i stared at the screen for at least 30 seconds wondering if i was seeing right. "really? nothing is wrong? but i don't even know what questions 8 and 10 were really about!"
praise the Lord! this quiz score is a small part of life but it definitely made me happy!
11.3.07
saying "thank you"
i was very bold today.
realizing that the young man walking through the door i was holding open was too occupied on his cellphone to say "thank you," i said "you're welcome"...out loud. it was the sort of moment when you don't think twice, you just do. i didn't think he'd actually be aware enough to hear. but he was and i heard an apologetic "thank you" to which i chuckled as he disappeared into the room and i continued on my way.
i know i've forgotten to say "thank you" before. i know i've been so caught up in my thoughts that i'm oblivious to another person's kindness. so i had no mean intentions...just figured it'd be fun to see what happened. and in the process, i got a reminder of how simple words can be and how necessary simple sometimes is.
realizing that the young man walking through the door i was holding open was too occupied on his cellphone to say "thank you," i said "you're welcome"...out loud. it was the sort of moment when you don't think twice, you just do. i didn't think he'd actually be aware enough to hear. but he was and i heard an apologetic "thank you" to which i chuckled as he disappeared into the room and i continued on my way.
i know i've forgotten to say "thank you" before. i know i've been so caught up in my thoughts that i'm oblivious to another person's kindness. so i had no mean intentions...just figured it'd be fun to see what happened. and in the process, i got a reminder of how simple words can be and how necessary simple sometimes is.
8.3.07
reflection
a friend's blog just reminded me of reflection's peace. so here i go...
as i think about the week, the really fun times and the stuff i'd rather blow up, God's grace becomes more apparent to me and i rest there. today will not bother tomorrow nor will it allow yesterday to stop it from dreaming...that's what i hope anyway. i keep on asking God to fill my head with His dreams. and i've decided that that's one of the best prayers i could ever pray! thanks Holy Spirit for talking!!
these days i've been dreaming quite a bit about my scholarly life, my writing life, the stuff that blossomed in chicago. yes folks, in the midst of all that concrete, something actually grew! so now the aim is to really carve out the time to do it, find intentional well-paying ways to do it :) and learn and have fun and run around in circles clapping my hands...or not. i certainly want to use the word "notion" more often and concoct crazy long sentences with intentionally smart punctuation that keeps the reader glued no matter how loud her stomach growls, no matter how hard his eyes fight to stay open, no matter how many complaints i get; simplicity isn't always effective neither is it always interesting.
these days i've also been dreaming about music, the life that grew in alberta...fertile soil. it's not that i became a diva there. oh contrare mon frere! but i learned to love God more through music, love people more through music. and now it's time to broaden that sphere, too. if i record another 8 measures on my 10-yr-old tape recorder but don't actually work to perfect anything, i think i might just lose my mind.
but before i get caught up in my dreams and forget to feed my stomach, let me wrap this up by telling you the greatest thing about this week.
i had 2 midterms (learning opportunities hehe) and as i sat in the library studying for them, God gave me one of the most beautiful insights about His love. i was literally trying to memorize details about the themes and structures of Matthew and Mark when suddenly i was thinking about how God loves me. that's not natural. i don't habitually gaze into thin air and ponder God's love especially not while hoping that all the info contained in my wonderful moleskine note book will stick in my head for the next 24 hours. but there it was, a biblical revelation of God.
i smile when i think about the fact that He still speaks.
amen amen amen
also, my learning opportunities were fabulous! yay God!
as i think about the week, the really fun times and the stuff i'd rather blow up, God's grace becomes more apparent to me and i rest there. today will not bother tomorrow nor will it allow yesterday to stop it from dreaming...that's what i hope anyway. i keep on asking God to fill my head with His dreams. and i've decided that that's one of the best prayers i could ever pray! thanks Holy Spirit for talking!!
these days i've been dreaming quite a bit about my scholarly life, my writing life, the stuff that blossomed in chicago. yes folks, in the midst of all that concrete, something actually grew! so now the aim is to really carve out the time to do it, find intentional well-paying ways to do it :) and learn and have fun and run around in circles clapping my hands...or not. i certainly want to use the word "notion" more often and concoct crazy long sentences with intentionally smart punctuation that keeps the reader glued no matter how loud her stomach growls, no matter how hard his eyes fight to stay open, no matter how many complaints i get; simplicity isn't always effective neither is it always interesting.
these days i've also been dreaming about music, the life that grew in alberta...fertile soil. it's not that i became a diva there. oh contrare mon frere! but i learned to love God more through music, love people more through music. and now it's time to broaden that sphere, too. if i record another 8 measures on my 10-yr-old tape recorder but don't actually work to perfect anything, i think i might just lose my mind.
but before i get caught up in my dreams and forget to feed my stomach, let me wrap this up by telling you the greatest thing about this week.
i had 2 midterms (learning opportunities hehe) and as i sat in the library studying for them, God gave me one of the most beautiful insights about His love. i was literally trying to memorize details about the themes and structures of Matthew and Mark when suddenly i was thinking about how God loves me. that's not natural. i don't habitually gaze into thin air and ponder God's love especially not while hoping that all the info contained in my wonderful moleskine note book will stick in my head for the next 24 hours. but there it was, a biblical revelation of God.
i smile when i think about the fact that He still speaks.
amen amen amen
also, my learning opportunities were fabulous! yay God!
9.2.07
the quote
The prisoner imagines freedom to be more wonderful than it is.
The patient imagines good health to be a source of ineffable pleasure--which it isn't.
All that we lack is a sense of the divine.
The patient imagines good health to be a source of ineffable pleasure--which it isn't.
All that we lack is a sense of the divine.
"in the land of pain"
trust me, it's a beautiful book by Daudet. i read it about a year ago probably...maybe more. it was necessary therapy at the time. the word usage is great. and i quoted from it this morning for dorm worship. i'll edit this post later and include it.
why am i writing as if someone is about to respond? is this instant messenger or something? no! it's even better. it's your voice mail.
you have 1 new message. message 1 from extension **** received today at 7:45 am.
i think i slept too long last night...
why am i writing as if someone is about to respond? is this instant messenger or something? no! it's even better. it's your voice mail.
you have 1 new message. message 1 from extension **** received today at 7:45 am.
i think i slept too long last night...
30.1.07
sermon topics -- feel free to comment
these are sermon ideas that i'll likely develop to be preached for class in march and april. one must be OT and the other NT.
"i thirst"
when Jesus says these words while hanging on the cross, what's it all about? what's the scripture all about that needs fulfilling in the Psalms? is his a literal human thirst for water? is it spiritual? have the sins of the world separated him from the Father so much that he longs for spiritual renewal? is that separation what is being fulfilled in the Psalms?
isaiah 26:3
He will keep in perfect peace s/he whose mind is steadfast, because s/he trusts in Him
how in the world is that possible when so much of the world is waring around us? what does all this really mean? how does it play out in our world?
"i thirst"
when Jesus says these words while hanging on the cross, what's it all about? what's the scripture all about that needs fulfilling in the Psalms? is his a literal human thirst for water? is it spiritual? have the sins of the world separated him from the Father so much that he longs for spiritual renewal? is that separation what is being fulfilled in the Psalms?
isaiah 26:3
He will keep in perfect peace s/he whose mind is steadfast, because s/he trusts in Him
how in the world is that possible when so much of the world is waring around us? what does all this really mean? how does it play out in our world?
surrender
it's incredible that the moment you fully surrender, passionately desire to follow God, do EVERYTHING He wants you to, things change dramatically....so you rest in the knowledge that His strength is perfect and He makes all things beautiful...in His time.
5.1.07
flight
hours tossed like
pebbles carelessly rippling
water displaced endlessly
time lovingly hated runs
jumps flies soaring
passionately
tomorrow sits waiting
today i sit
loving
trying
hopefully displacing lazy
so that i may fly too
pebbles carelessly rippling
water displaced endlessly
time lovingly hated runs
jumps flies soaring
passionately
tomorrow sits waiting
today i sit
loving
trying
hopefully displacing lazy
so that i may fly too
11.12.06
old clothes
so i'm walking through the dorm, enjoying the comfort of my thrift store sweater when a student, probably no more than 19, says "my friend had that sweater. she wore it from 8th grade aaaaall the way to 12th." she said it with such pride in her memory. i heard it and felt the need to throw the sweater away even though 8th grade could have just been 5 years ago for this girl. why do i want a 5-yr-old sweater? forget the fact that it's comfortable and warm and bright and happy!!
thanks chick! now i feel really old and outdated, behind the fashion times...i might as well be wrinkly, rocking elastic waist band pants with big ugly comfort shoes from stride rite.
okay, enough melodrama...
this is why i usually buy boring clothes that have a "classic" look.
okay, back to work!
thanks chick! now i feel really old and outdated, behind the fashion times...i might as well be wrinkly, rocking elastic waist band pants with big ugly comfort shoes from stride rite.
okay, enough melodrama...
this is why i usually buy boring clothes that have a "classic" look.
okay, back to work!
10.12.06
for friends
i'm finding myself quite thankful for friends. whether it's a phone message or an email, they're often used by God in the simplest of ways to bless my life. and after i receive the blessing, i can do nothing else but turn to God in praise.
these are the sorts of things that make life possible.
and so i continue to breathe...hoping to be a blessing in return.
these are the sorts of things that make life possible.
and so i continue to breathe...hoping to be a blessing in return.
8.12.06
when
whenigrowupi'llbe
married
with children
and a house...preferably with a lot of land
and a dog outside
and a reliable car
working just enough
spending quality time with the fam
and
happy
and nowthati'mgrownup
i'm somewhere on my way to some of that
but what matters most
what i consider paramount
is that i'm wherever
doing whatever
with whomever
loving God
i was thinking about age earlier today, about how i'll be 28 in a few months, about how i'm not ready to say that number, about how different life is now from just last year this time, about how i love snow, about how i get to go home next week, about how i should really get to bed earlier on the weekends
married
with children
and a house...preferably with a lot of land
and a dog outside
and a reliable car
working just enough
spending quality time with the fam
and
happy
and nowthati'mgrownup
i'm somewhere on my way to some of that
but what matters most
what i consider paramount
is that i'm wherever
doing whatever
with whomever
loving God
i was thinking about age earlier today, about how i'll be 28 in a few months, about how i'm not ready to say that number, about how different life is now from just last year this time, about how i love snow, about how i get to go home next week, about how i should really get to bed earlier on the weekends
7.12.06
the same God
today God told me something really important. He said that i've seen Him in action this week as the God who gives peace and focus when papers are due and i'm lacking sleep. and then He said He's the same God at the beginning and middle of the semester.
....so why am i waiting until now to plead for extra strength when i could have had it 2 months ago? well, i didn't want it 2 months ago. i mean, i wanted His energy boost and mind clarifying power but i wasn't so desperate for it.
i need to always be desperate...not on a panic level...
it's like the song:
and i, i'm desperate for You
and i, i'm lost without You
that sort of longing shouldn't be 3 months in the making...
sidenote:
i got to sing jazzy christmas songs tonight at an assisted living facility. it was beautiful, a very good way to begin the wrap up of a very long week
....so why am i waiting until now to plead for extra strength when i could have had it 2 months ago? well, i didn't want it 2 months ago. i mean, i wanted His energy boost and mind clarifying power but i wasn't so desperate for it.
i need to always be desperate...not on a panic level...
it's like the song:
and i, i'm desperate for You
and i, i'm lost without You
that sort of longing shouldn't be 3 months in the making...
sidenote:
i got to sing jazzy christmas songs tonight at an assisted living facility. it was beautiful, a very good way to begin the wrap up of a very long week
6.12.06
impossibilities
when i get stressed i desire to rearrange, clean, go shopping...anything but what i'm supposed to be doing. but today has been productive...why that word? why must i be PRODUCTIVE?
anyway, today has been filled with the desire to get my word study paper complete for tomorrow (which is actually today coz dec 6th is now quite over) i need at least 6 pages and i know the only way i'll get it done is by holding on to God.
in this scenario, holding onto God means asking Him for direction every step of the way. it means listening to and obeying the still small voice that says "it would be good to make photocopies of those resources right now, since the library will soon close, instead of trying to type a million words in the next 30 minutes." the voice also says "don't stay up. get some sleep and i'll wake you when it's time."
that's how the impossibilities of my life all have to be worked out--holding onto God. but i'm so quick to forget. 5 months from now i may be stressed out again, wondering how in the world i'll get everything done.
grace takes my impossibilities, crumples them up and tosses them gently into the nearest trash can. then grace calms me down and helps me focus, surrounds me with encouraging people, brings lovely songs to mind...and the task is completed.
now, i don't know that it'll be perfect but that doesn't worry me.
anyway, today has been filled with the desire to get my word study paper complete for tomorrow (which is actually today coz dec 6th is now quite over) i need at least 6 pages and i know the only way i'll get it done is by holding on to God.
in this scenario, holding onto God means asking Him for direction every step of the way. it means listening to and obeying the still small voice that says "it would be good to make photocopies of those resources right now, since the library will soon close, instead of trying to type a million words in the next 30 minutes." the voice also says "don't stay up. get some sleep and i'll wake you when it's time."
that's how the impossibilities of my life all have to be worked out--holding onto God. but i'm so quick to forget. 5 months from now i may be stressed out again, wondering how in the world i'll get everything done.
grace takes my impossibilities, crumples them up and tosses them gently into the nearest trash can. then grace calms me down and helps me focus, surrounds me with encouraging people, brings lovely songs to mind...and the task is completed.
now, i don't know that it'll be perfect but that doesn't worry me.
5.12.06
come to me
God uses whatever's in your head to talk to you. while He may sometimes toss in brand new concepts to get your attention, He often makes timely use of the familiar.
take the other day for example when i needed reassurance from God right away. all of a sudden i was singing "you're all i need to get by--y--y"
and then just now when bobbie mcferrin's lovely tune "come to me" started turning in my head, i knew God was speaking.
When I'm feeling anxious in my head
He tell me to come to Him instead
Come to Him when weary
Come to Him when low
He will lift this burden, this I know
Take my yoke upon you learn from me
Take my yoke upon you and you'll see
Come to me I'll strengthen
Come to me I'll help
Come to me I'll still anxiety
So when I find that I have gone astray
I can go to Him and he won't send me away
Come to me I'll strengthen
Come to me I'll help
Come to me and listen what I say
Come, come, come to me
the song came to mind before the bible verse...perhaps that's problematic on some level but for now i'm just thankful God does whatever He can to get through to me.
take the other day for example when i needed reassurance from God right away. all of a sudden i was singing "you're all i need to get by--y--y"
and then just now when bobbie mcferrin's lovely tune "come to me" started turning in my head, i knew God was speaking.
When I'm feeling anxious in my head
He tell me to come to Him instead
Come to Him when weary
Come to Him when low
He will lift this burden, this I know
Take my yoke upon you learn from me
Take my yoke upon you and you'll see
Come to me I'll strengthen
Come to me I'll help
Come to me I'll still anxiety
So when I find that I have gone astray
I can go to Him and he won't send me away
Come to me I'll strengthen
Come to me I'll help
Come to me and listen what I say
Come, come, come to me
the song came to mind before the bible verse...perhaps that's problematic on some level but for now i'm just thankful God does whatever He can to get through to me.
4.12.06
(RED)
http://www.joinred.com/manifesto.asp
totally forgot december 1 was AIDS awareness day. i even read a story about AIDS to a room of highschoolers and still it didn't all click. but better late than never right? (well, sometimes)
so here's what i read:
AIDS
I do my best not to make eye contact. If you make eye contact, they talk to you. “They” includes homeless people, beggars, poor folk selling Streetwise magazines on busy Chicago sidewalks. With my head down, I turn the corner.
“Hello sir. I just want to talk to you for a moment.”
Man! He’s talking to me. I stop and listen.
“Oh, hi ma’am. No trouble. Oh, you’re a young lady; excuse me. I’d like to get your signature for the AIDS walk tomorrow. You can sign right here. I have AIDS.” He offers his hand. He’s really anxious and he looks so…so…I don’t know that there’s a word. I’d have to describe every detail. But I can’t remember every detail. It’s just that so much is wrong with him, so much is not 100%.
WOW. And I’m shaking your hand. I say nothing…he continues to make conversation.
“I’m blind in my left eye.”
I’m partially blind in my left eye, I say to myself.
“You are a young lady, right?”
“Yes.”
“You can just sign right here.” He’s really eager to get my signature. So many thoughts are racing through my head. I’m confused.
“But I don’t understand. Why do you need me to sign this?”
“It’s in support of the AIDS walk.”
It finally clicks. “Oh. I need to give a donation.”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t have any money to give.” I’ve conditioned myself to say it.
“I’ll take a penny. I’ll say thank you for a penny.”
“I’m so sorry. I really don’t have any money to give.”
“That’s all right. Have a good day now.”
And we part ways. He hurries on down the road to collect more signatures, more money. I carry on around the corner, homeward bound with a hand that has just shaken death. And for a moment I think of how much more peaceful it may be to know the cause of your pending death, how much better it may be to know the cause of your weak body, how I’d like answers to my condition. I think, momentarily, that I won’t wash my hand for a while in order to retain the memory of my conclusion.
I know I shouldn’t compare my plight with his but it’s hard not to. He has answers. I don’t. And, for a moment, that’s what makes my blindness so unfair.
totally forgot december 1 was AIDS awareness day. i even read a story about AIDS to a room of highschoolers and still it didn't all click. but better late than never right? (well, sometimes)
so here's what i read:
AIDS
I do my best not to make eye contact. If you make eye contact, they talk to you. “They” includes homeless people, beggars, poor folk selling Streetwise magazines on busy Chicago sidewalks. With my head down, I turn the corner.
“Hello sir. I just want to talk to you for a moment.”
Man! He’s talking to me. I stop and listen.
“Oh, hi ma’am. No trouble. Oh, you’re a young lady; excuse me. I’d like to get your signature for the AIDS walk tomorrow. You can sign right here. I have AIDS.” He offers his hand. He’s really anxious and he looks so…so…I don’t know that there’s a word. I’d have to describe every detail. But I can’t remember every detail. It’s just that so much is wrong with him, so much is not 100%.
WOW. And I’m shaking your hand. I say nothing…he continues to make conversation.
“I’m blind in my left eye.”
I’m partially blind in my left eye, I say to myself.
“You are a young lady, right?”
“Yes.”
“You can just sign right here.” He’s really eager to get my signature. So many thoughts are racing through my head. I’m confused.
“But I don’t understand. Why do you need me to sign this?”
“It’s in support of the AIDS walk.”
It finally clicks. “Oh. I need to give a donation.”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t have any money to give.” I’ve conditioned myself to say it.
“I’ll take a penny. I’ll say thank you for a penny.”
“I’m so sorry. I really don’t have any money to give.”
“That’s all right. Have a good day now.”
And we part ways. He hurries on down the road to collect more signatures, more money. I carry on around the corner, homeward bound with a hand that has just shaken death. And for a moment I think of how much more peaceful it may be to know the cause of your pending death, how much better it may be to know the cause of your weak body, how I’d like answers to my condition. I think, momentarily, that I won’t wash my hand for a while in order to retain the memory of my conclusion.
I know I shouldn’t compare my plight with his but it’s hard not to. He has answers. I don’t. And, for a moment, that’s what makes my blindness so unfair.