ok

so find me at:

http://wordhabit2.blogspot.com

gone

this blog is over...well, for now. don't know if i'll feel inspired to write in this space again. why? what happened? oh i dunno. i just don't feel like it any more.

so if you want to read me, just google "wordhabit." i'm always somewhere out here in web space, always current...somewhere...making words my habit...

new blog?

so i get bored with layouts and instead of just changing this one, i began a new one and then another one but we'll keep with the 2nd...for now.

http://wordhabit2.blogspot.com

i'm wordhabitting as many spaces as i can...i know...a bit obsessive...yeah yeah

good morning

i woke up to the idea that God wants to change the world through me. the thought hit and i was up, up like a jack in the box, wide-eyed like the five yr-old witnessing a magic trick. awake, fully conscious.

change the world through me?

it was a strange scene in my dream. two politicians stood talking, one running for president, the other running for vice. after seeing who their opponents where the vice president already looked defeated. "why did you ask me to be your running mate when you knew they'd be running?" he asked.

"because i want you to help me change the world," replied his colleague with smooth confidence.

it was simple. i woke up.

then i went running with Maribeth in the 6:30 air as a rainbow stood in the distance. that's how mornings should be. a shocking dream and an energetic run with God's smile in the sky.

now i must act on the dream because i love the smile.

divide

With both my arms outstretched, the two faces of my existence finally crash one into the other...(click)

light

it’s fascinating to see how light alters things, how the sun (for example) makes it hard to see the exact locale of the Frisbee in flight. so I knock it from the sky wishing I had more perception.

happy

I wish I could explain the happy state I’m in. but it’s much too late at night to even try. So I’ll just be thankful that I’m soooo happy. Perhaps it all boils down to time well spent with fun low-key people. I should definitely do that more often.

Okay. It’s 11:30pm. I’ve been up since 3:50somethingoranother…

yeah it’s a wrap

bless the children

A darling little girl lives in my neighborhood and makes it her duty to ride her bike up to my window and say hello. Her eyes look through the glass, past the blinds, seeking out my face. Today she’s off to the garden. She knows there are beans growing there and she promises upon her return to let me know what else lives below and above the fertile ground. I would go out and talk to her but I’m afraid that soon she’ll start knocking. How silly am I! Her knock would be the most precious knock I’m sure. But I have to think beyond her darling presence to her parents who hardly know me and to the fact that such a friendly girl shouldn’t always be encouraged to befriend strangers, even harmless ones like myself.

It’s a cruel world, kid, and I don’t want you getting hurt. So I’ll keep my distance. I’ll continue to only talk to you from the window. And I’ll welcome your eyes anytime.

-----

“I know who you are,” he said with that childish confidence that would have irritated me had I been 7 years old but instead endeared me to him. Following his statement were the seemingly rehearsed “yeah’s” of his sisters—apparently they knew me too. “How do you know who I am,” I responded with slight attitude and a smirk. “You go to the same school as my dad,” he clarified quite matter-of-factly. “And who’s your dad?” He gave me a name I didn’t know and that’s where our friendly banter ended as his mother came along smiling and he and his sisters got caught up in something else. Our time was up. No formal entry and no formal exit. He kept it simple—I know you.

What is it with children and knowing? Why are they so comfortable, so trusting in this place of transience? I’ve walked these steps before, grown accustomed to the stain of crab apples on the sidewalk during the summer and the smell of dairy cows so nicely dispersed by the autumn breeze. And who could forget the snow? But the bully who threw the crab apples at me is long gone, the cows have lost their aura, and I actually like most of winter.

Yet children still play and adults still ramble on about the lack of community among fellow believers and our need to reach out. So we form small groups with formal entries and formal exits.

I’d rather keep it simple—I know you and here’s how.

And a little child shall lead them if they would just pay attention.

alter ego?

wordhabit2

simply the "other" space. for what purpose? i like spaces...simple.

ants and soft beds

the new apartment has been quite the experience...

...more details forthcoming

writing--just 10

it's 6:55 am.
i've been up for about an hour.
i've been reading through Paul's writings for a class.

now i want to linger a while and write and write and write because i promised God that i'd write more once i got this laptop.

but there's always some excuse like fatigue or the intensity of summer intensives. but i need to write whether i write lyrics or prose.

so that's what the next 10 minutes will be used for. just 10. just 10. i promise.

home and music

i'm all for enjoying life. granted, i can't afford to be selfish about it all the time. but this past weekend reminded me that smiles are more important than money.

ah.

home.

and once again i got to enjoy music...it wasn't a perfect performance (i really have no vocal stamina) but it was a blessing to do and people said they were blessed so yay!

ah.

music.

new job, new place

it's like....i don't know what it's like except that i'm so grateful...i'm not even giddy...just grateful. everything is beautiful in His time : )

now it's off to slumberville...with approximately 8 days till i sleep in a totally new space...

aaahh

surprise?!?!

happy almost birthday Justin!

good times were had by all. great summer salads, humas and pita...with ice cream and berries...a few "your mama" jokes...and the night ended with a quick set of Dutch Blitz! what more could you want? :)

one of my favourite parts of the pre surprise was when Justin said, "I need to mow my parent's lawn." my inner voice said, "don't freak out, play it cool, gently convince him that the grass doesn't need him tonight."

yay!

so, next year, same time, same place? haha

music

i really, really, really, really love music.
i mean i really, really, really, really, really love music.
i mean really!


Eau Claire Set
1. Be Thou My Vision/Precious Lord
2. Do You Love God--Ab
3. Come Holy Spirit--A
4. Love Made Music--F (original composition)
5. Give Me Jesus--F-G

the blessings of Christian education

tell me why God keeps on giving me reminders that it's all about Him and not at all about me. tell me why God keeps on making it crystal clear that at the end of all my successes, i've done nothing without Him.

so, ladies and gentlemen who read this blog...i forgot my 2pm exam today. well, i didn't forget that i had a test in this particular class. what had happened was i wrote it down as taking place tomorrow from 10-12. i wrote it in my planner. if i write something in my planner, i remember it and nothing else. there was NO CHANCE that i'd think of walking into my exam today at 2pm.

at 2:30 i returned to my room for the library to get some nourishment. i checked my phone for messages and there was one that went a little something like this:

"Michaela, this is Dr. N. we hope you're okay. the test has begun. it's almost 2:30...."

so i walked right back outside in slight disbelief...slight because i'm not totally surprised that i made such a crazy mistake--it has been a crazy last few weeks. all i've wanted, just about every day, is to just sit and chill with friends or even watch a movie. now, i always want to spend time with friends...that's normal...but i hardly ever want to sit and watch a movie! that's how crazy it's been.

as i walked to the test i uttered "have mercy, Lord" several times and prayed that i'd have wisdom and patience as i took the test. "God, you're really going to have to help me recall a whole lot of stuff because we both know i have NOT studied!" "have mercy, Lord, have mercy!"

and on and on i pleaded until i entered the room. and i'm glad to tell you that i didn't fail that test. i dare say i may have even done "b" work! and that's nothing but God, nothing BUT God!!

and i've got nothing but love for my prof who actually calls absent test takers! have mercy!

google: have mercy, Lord

i googled myself and found this. it is incredible on so many levels...read carefully.

http://tobeistotri.blogspot.com/2006/05/steel-status-breathe.html

how can we not do just what God has for us to do? talk about confirmation! and i don't need a NY Times best selling author to give me reassurance...i just need to write and watch God work.

have mercy, Lord!

what do You want?

firstborn?
don't have one

land?
don't own any

house?
if i had that i'd have land

time?
resources?
heart?
soul?
mind?
strength?
song?
word?
smile?
hug?
hand?
foot?
eye?

...yeah, i've got all of those. but i'd much rather focus on what i don't have and turn it into what i desperately need and then jump at every opportunity to get it

...but i know what i'm supposed to do

...so i'll get some food in my belly and get to work. coz i've got about 2 hours to rearrange sentences into 15 pages of worthwhile reading.

yes, Lord, i know what You want...at least right now. tomorrow will have to take care of itself.

triathlon tales

i could write a book of all the things i learned yesterday between the hours of 1 and 6. (that's not how long it took my team to complete the triathlon but it's roughly how long we were together--we completed in just over 2hrs 45 mins)

the biggest lesson i learned is that i don't ever want to do anything without God by my side. what does that have to do with a triathlon? glad you asked!

i've become accustomed to running with at least one other person beside me. when i run on my own, i don't feel as secure. it's not that i'm afraid of falling. it's that i get unspoken reassurance when i know someone is right there. as i ran the first leg on the beach, i ran out of steam pretty quickly. the last time i ran on a beach was in august and the last time i ran before that is non-existent. so that tells you just how ready i was to run on sand, run in water, sink slightly in muddier patches, and all with the breeze from the lake and the already cold temperature. and there was no one beside me. i talked to God a bit. guess it's just You and me huh? yet i felt very alone...i was so focused on me.

i passed off the pink wrist band to my teammate Annie who completed the 2nd leg of the beach run and i had to force myself to keep walking. my chest ached, i was cold, i was disconnected.

Annie's great long strides took her swiftly to the end of the beach run. i watched her pass a few others and smiled with pride. then i got a strong desire to be at the end of the beach when she past the wristband to Teela, our first biker. so i started to run again. more water washed into my shoes. it was a welcomed wash now. it was motivation to keep going. i wanted nothing more than to be were my team was. i wanted to witness that exchange and cheer Teela on. but i was exhausted. my chest ached. i was cold.

then i saw two of my teammates walking toward me. one had my sweater and "tear away" pants in hand. i was too tired to change but it was so good to see them. they smiled and congratulated me as we walked to the car.

never before have i wanted so desperately to feel like a team. i kept thinking of all the ways things good be better if we'd practiced together and worshiped together. if we'd hung out as a unit long before the day. but there really wasn't time to wallow. we were off to the next meeting point--the river.

on our way we passed Teela was biking her heart out. we stuck our heads out the window and screamed encouragement at her. she looked good! then we passed Jody. she's been one of my running buddies and she and another girl did the race as a duo. They came in second among the female teams. so proud of her! finally we got to Jenn, our second biker who would take over from Teela. Jenn was pumped. it's in her nature to be pumped even though she'd emailed me horrible self-fulfilling prophecy earlier in the day about falling b/c of her 1-inch tires (for which i scolded her!). we stopped for a moment to cheer her on. and wouldn't you know it, she did great! zero falls! it felt so good to watch her ride into the canoe area all smiles, wrist band in hand a ready to hand off.

by that time Darchelle and Cara had watched other teams get into their canoes and had a good strategy planned. and off they went down the river with the aid of the river damn's current.

now it was time to head home for a few minutes, change gear, and get positioned for the final run. it still hurt to laugh and the dry cough sounded so awful. but the race had to continue and i was determined to do my part. but i no longer felt alone. there was no more "it's just you and me, God" talk going on. this was about the team now--i wanted to run for the team.

a dry pair of sneakers and leggings, a drink of hot water, a few crackers for energy, and 2 bathroom breaks later, Annie and i were off to our respective locations to end the race. i did the first leg once again so i went down to the river bank to see Darchelle and Cara come in. Jenn and Teela were already there. Dean Burrill, our driver, came down as well. it was good to be among teammates at that moment. others were there waiting for their respective teams. we all cheered everyone in. but there was nothing as great as seeing our own two paddling down the river. and finally the wrist band was back in my hand and i took off....uphill.

oh, the joys of uphill running. Annie (an experienced runner!) gave me tips for the journey. the initial run was just a slight incline and then i got to THE HILL. i've walked it before. i've run in before. i've never raced it. everything changes when the word "race" is attached. but i was okay. Annie's words played in my head. take long strides and lean slightly forward. and i did and it worked. the higher i got, the more deliberate every step had to be. the higher i got, the more determined i got to finish this thing. and with even pacing i was soon at the top on flat lands!

exhausted!!

but it wasn't over. i slowed to a slight jog for a few moments just to catch my breath, get my heart rate down. and then i got back to familiar pavement, the pavement i've been pounding with at either Jodi or Cara for a few weeks now. i was at home. i was confident. i picked up speed. a car of guys drove by and cheered me on. i've seen them before but don't know them and it didn't even matter. someone was cheering for me and i was running for my team so my team was on the move! and then my teammates drove by to meet Annie and i at the very end. go team!

and then came the second hill, not as major, but still a hill. and i soon heard Annie's voice. come on Michaela, you're almost done! i was definitely pumped now. i took of the band and began speeding up a bit more and then ran as fast as i could to Annie. and she ran, and she ran, and she ran. and i got to the track just in time to run a few more steps with her, Teela and Cara. then she took off and ended the race in a beautiful sprint. and even though she ended by herself, she wasn't alone. none of us were alone.

i don't want to go anywhere unless God is there. i don't want to do anything unless God is in it. i don't want to make any decision unless God has blessed it.

i'll run again. i'll do triathlons with a team again. and next time will be better, stronger. i won't be focused on me. because anything done in a spirit of praise to God takes the focus off self. that's why i want to be right were He is, always.

why do you go...

to church on saturday/sunday?
to mid-week prayer meetings?
to small group bible studies?
to any weekly christian gathering?

like REALLY...why do you go?

demerara

sugar, good sugar, is so lovely. it's a beautiful experience all its own. none can compare to good sugar.

...take that as you will.

and goodnight.

emotions...

i've grown up proud of the fact that i'm not a stereotypically emotional woman. but there's always something that triggers anger or rage or something exciting like that. last night it was the viewing of "Blood Diamonds." all of a sudden, at the film's end, i was royally ticked off by things i'd just seen/heard and injustice in general. after a moment of ranting i had to just shut up for fear that terrible things would escape my lips, for fear that those around me would be offended.

but oddly enough, i'd like to feel that surge of emotion more often. i'd like to be mad about more of the things i view day to day. and more than that, i'd like my emotions to cause me to act in helpful ways that counteract injustice, that attack real issues, that force us all to stop being so comfortable.

it'll take a lot more energy than my selfishness currently allows...but i hope to get there sooner than later.

it's snowing??

april showers? no may flowers? signs of the times people, signs of the times!

http://www.andrews.edu/life/webcams/index.html

pretty nice

today i had a huge moment of doubt. i was trying to take a nap when the damn broke, the wave hit, the flood of negative emotions began. i didn't cry. i wanted to. instead i just depressed myself by thinking that i'm not hearing the voice of God properly. several things have happened over the last few months to make me think i'm missing something...it's my own voice i'm hearing...i'm too presumptuous, too self-absorbed to hear Him.

so i pleaded for reassurance. and He gave it in a very unexpected way...He gave me the right words to say to a friend when both of us were clueless. it was a moment like the one i experienced over 15 years ago when my little brother asked, "if God and Jesus are the same then how are they different" and i quickly responded with "ask dad." the difference tonight was that my friend couldn't wait for "dad"--she needed and wanted an answer now. so i asked God and God answered and my friend was blessed.

He does still speak and i do still hear Him. and He wants me to be sure of that so He'll do whatever He can to reassure me.

that's pretty nice God, pretty nice. thanks.

sermon prep

it's so not like spoken word or singing....why????? well, there are some similarities but it's all so new, so unborn, so i-don't-know-what....

and as for titles...the sight of blindness is a bit too literary and samson, why are you so stupid? is a bit too harsh. and untitled just does not work in this arena. so maybe i'll go with fill in the blank after the alter call but then i think i may never ever be asked to preach even for my class again...

what about hair that sees? still too artsy, too obscure? i don't know how to do simple. okay, help me out folks. my theme is that sometimes we have to be physically blinded in order to spiritually see. someone, please make a title for that! PLEASE!

okay. sleep awaits.

10/10

i got 10 out of 10 on my Greek quiz today. considering the fact that it's the quiz i felt the least prepared for (even though i really studied) i think of this as a miracle! i've got nothing but 9/10 every week, all semester.

it's an online quiz and we get 3 tries! today i was rushing because i only had a few minutes before class and the quiz is over at class time. so i quickly checked my answers and had a very helpless "oh well" sort of feeling then pressed the button to put an end to what seemed like torture.

when i got my results, i stared at the screen for at least 30 seconds wondering if i was seeing right. "really? nothing is wrong? but i don't even know what questions 8 and 10 were really about!"

praise the Lord! this quiz score is a small part of life but it definitely made me happy!

saying "thank you"

i was very bold today.

realizing that the young man walking through the door i was holding open was too occupied on his cellphone to say "thank you," i said "you're welcome"...out loud. it was the sort of moment when you don't think twice, you just do. i didn't think he'd actually be aware enough to hear. but he was and i heard an apologetic "thank you" to which i chuckled as he disappeared into the room and i continued on my way.

i know i've forgotten to say "thank you" before. i know i've been so caught up in my thoughts that i'm oblivious to another person's kindness. so i had no mean intentions...just figured it'd be fun to see what happened. and in the process, i got a reminder of how simple words can be and how necessary simple sometimes is.

reflection

a friend's blog just reminded me of reflection's peace. so here i go...

as i think about the week, the really fun times and the stuff i'd rather blow up, God's grace becomes more apparent to me and i rest there. today will not bother tomorrow nor will it allow yesterday to stop it from dreaming...that's what i hope anyway. i keep on asking God to fill my head with His dreams. and i've decided that that's one of the best prayers i could ever pray! thanks Holy Spirit for talking!!

these days i've been dreaming quite a bit about my scholarly life, my writing life, the stuff that blossomed in chicago. yes folks, in the midst of all that concrete, something actually grew! so now the aim is to really carve out the time to do it, find intentional well-paying ways to do it :) and learn and have fun and run around in circles clapping my hands...or not. i certainly want to use the word "notion" more often and concoct crazy long sentences with intentionally smart punctuation that keeps the reader glued no matter how loud her stomach growls, no matter how hard his eyes fight to stay open, no matter how many complaints i get; simplicity isn't always effective neither is it always interesting.

these days i've also been dreaming about music, the life that grew in alberta...fertile soil. it's not that i became a diva there. oh contrare mon frere! but i learned to love God more through music, love people more through music. and now it's time to broaden that sphere, too. if i record another 8 measures on my 10-yr-old tape recorder but don't actually work to perfect anything, i think i might just lose my mind.

but before i get caught up in my dreams and forget to feed my stomach, let me wrap this up by telling you the greatest thing about this week.

i had 2 midterms (learning opportunities hehe) and as i sat in the library studying for them, God gave me one of the most beautiful insights about His love. i was literally trying to memorize details about the themes and structures of Matthew and Mark when suddenly i was thinking about how God loves me. that's not natural. i don't habitually gaze into thin air and ponder God's love especially not while hoping that all the info contained in my wonderful moleskine note book will stick in my head for the next 24 hours. but there it was, a biblical revelation of God.

i smile when i think about the fact that He still speaks.

amen amen amen

also, my learning opportunities were fabulous! yay God!

the quote

The prisoner imagines freedom to be more wonderful than it is.

The patient imagines good health to be a source of ineffable pleasure--which it isn't.

All that we lack is a sense of the divine.

"in the land of pain"

trust me, it's a beautiful book by Daudet. i read it about a year ago probably...maybe more. it was necessary therapy at the time. the word usage is great. and i quoted from it this morning for dorm worship. i'll edit this post later and include it.

why am i writing as if someone is about to respond? is this instant messenger or something? no! it's even better. it's your voice mail.

you have 1 new message. message 1 from extension **** received today at 7:45 am.

i think i slept too long last night...

sermon topics -- feel free to comment

these are sermon ideas that i'll likely develop to be preached for class in march and april. one must be OT and the other NT.

"i thirst"
when Jesus says these words while hanging on the cross, what's it all about? what's the scripture all about that needs fulfilling in the Psalms? is his a literal human thirst for water? is it spiritual? have the sins of the world separated him from the Father so much that he longs for spiritual renewal? is that separation what is being fulfilled in the Psalms?

isaiah 26:3
He will keep in perfect peace s/he whose mind is steadfast, because s/he trusts in Him
how in the world is that possible when so much of the world is waring around us? what does all this really mean? how does it play out in our world?

surrender

it's incredible that the moment you fully surrender, passionately desire to follow God, do EVERYTHING He wants you to, things change dramatically....so you rest in the knowledge that His strength is perfect and He makes all things beautiful...in His time.

flight

hours tossed like
pebbles carelessly rippling
water displaced endlessly

time lovingly hated runs
jumps flies soaring
passionately

tomorrow sits waiting
today i sit
loving
trying
hopefully displacing lazy
so that i may fly too