have your mornings ever prepared you for your days?
mine often do, especially this morning.
i've been reading one of my favourite books to start my day. it's a compilation of old writings by the likes of A Kempis and de Sales.
this morning i read something that made me ask, "okay God, what's about to go down?"
by 5 o'clock stuff had gone down. i walked rapidly to send a fax. the fax related to a good thing; however, it wasn't enough to take my mind off the bad. but as i walked and my mind raged, i remembered that i'd read something many hours earlier. it had comfort attached to it. i couldn't remember exactly what it said but i knew that part of it had to do with being able to praise God despite the bad.
when i got back home, i flipped to the page.
psalm 30.
i'm not quite dancing yet but i'm encouraged, encouraged enough to stay up just a little longer to write this all down.
you who read this, know this: it's gonna be okay...in time. stay hopeful.
day 2 of post 25...
22.2.05
21.2.05
my day of birth
today was my birthday. i'm now post 25! i'm dealing with it well so far. i think the journey will remain smooth. i anticipate good things ahead. more opportunities for growth and contentment.
i'm lovin it!
the day was peaceful. the only thing i didn't like was that i was very tired and couldn't work much on my book as planned. other than that, i got to watch two episodes of the Cosby Show. that was lovely.
i made no wishes, no promises, no resolutions. but i did thank God for another year and pray that i do my part to live this one well.
i'm lovin it!
the day was peaceful. the only thing i didn't like was that i was very tired and couldn't work much on my book as planned. other than that, i got to watch two episodes of the Cosby Show. that was lovely.
i made no wishes, no promises, no resolutions. but i did thank God for another year and pray that i do my part to live this one well.
11.2.05
enjoy
a friend and i went to our local coffee shop, Kavachinos, last night. it's a wonderful, non-chain establishment. we were there for about 3 and a half hours. fabulous!
we wrote, we chatted, we read, we chatted, we wrote...and, oh yes, we sipped hot drinks.
everyone should make time for writing or whatever it is that keeps one grounded. if you don't do it, you'll keep on searching after other things that you think are missing. don't settle for an average, hum-drum existence. allow you to be you.
for crying out loud, enjoy life!
we wrote, we chatted, we read, we chatted, we wrote...and, oh yes, we sipped hot drinks.
everyone should make time for writing or whatever it is that keeps one grounded. if you don't do it, you'll keep on searching after other things that you think are missing. don't settle for an average, hum-drum existence. allow you to be you.
for crying out loud, enjoy life!
7.2.05
How to trust your feelings without losing your mind - Part 1
This post is not like the others.
I've decided to capitalize the beginnings of sentences and the word "I" within each sentence...because I feel like it.
Feelings allow me to do much of what I do every minute of every day. Perhaps that's because I don't have a conventional 9-5 and hardly anyone's telling me what to do. I got out of bed today at minutes to 10am. It was much later than I actually woke up -- that was around 6am. Why didn't I get out of bed, then? Because I didn't feel like it, my eyes felt sleep deprived and I felt at peace under the covers.
When I finally decided to at least sit up, it was probably about 9:30. I read a thought from the book Near to the Heart of God about how each of us has a different journey and that that's okay. It was a "I know that already" moment but also a "It's really good to hear that again" moment. I'm self-absorbed enough to believe that everyone's walk with God should look like mine does when the going's good and like Enoch's every other time. But for about 20 minutes I concentrated on how different my journey with God is compared to others' and how good that is. We add nicely to each others' pictures of God, knowledge of grace, desire for love...
Because I trusted my feelings of comfort, peace, joy...I spent more time that usual (considering the late hour) thinking about how I should see others' journeys especially those so different from mine. Are they missing something? Maybe. If they're journeying without Jesus, yes. If they're with Him but not concentrating on Him much, yes. So where do I draw the line? When does their journey look good enough not to warrant my concern? Never. It always warrants my concern but not my contention, not my criticism, not my cold shoulder. But I feel badly. I feel as if they are so far from where they should be. But who am I. I'm human...not at all qualified to judge...not at all called upon to do anything more than love.
There is a catch, however; I can only trust my feelings if my mind is exposed to good things. Exposure affects feelings. None can argue against that. I can't think I'm stronger than "that"--"that" is human and last I checked I am nowhere close to anything else.
I'll rest in my feelings from time to time. I'll find comfort in my feelings. I won't get all hormonal and weepy. I'll just try to remember that feelings are often good judges from time to...
I've decided to capitalize the beginnings of sentences and the word "I" within each sentence...because I feel like it.
Feelings allow me to do much of what I do every minute of every day. Perhaps that's because I don't have a conventional 9-5 and hardly anyone's telling me what to do. I got out of bed today at minutes to 10am. It was much later than I actually woke up -- that was around 6am. Why didn't I get out of bed, then? Because I didn't feel like it, my eyes felt sleep deprived and I felt at peace under the covers.
When I finally decided to at least sit up, it was probably about 9:30. I read a thought from the book Near to the Heart of God about how each of us has a different journey and that that's okay. It was a "I know that already" moment but also a "It's really good to hear that again" moment. I'm self-absorbed enough to believe that everyone's walk with God should look like mine does when the going's good and like Enoch's every other time. But for about 20 minutes I concentrated on how different my journey with God is compared to others' and how good that is. We add nicely to each others' pictures of God, knowledge of grace, desire for love...
Because I trusted my feelings of comfort, peace, joy...I spent more time that usual (considering the late hour) thinking about how I should see others' journeys especially those so different from mine. Are they missing something? Maybe. If they're journeying without Jesus, yes. If they're with Him but not concentrating on Him much, yes. So where do I draw the line? When does their journey look good enough not to warrant my concern? Never. It always warrants my concern but not my contention, not my criticism, not my cold shoulder. But I feel badly. I feel as if they are so far from where they should be. But who am I. I'm human...not at all qualified to judge...not at all called upon to do anything more than love.
There is a catch, however; I can only trust my feelings if my mind is exposed to good things. Exposure affects feelings. None can argue against that. I can't think I'm stronger than "that"--"that" is human and last I checked I am nowhere close to anything else.
I'll rest in my feelings from time to time. I'll find comfort in my feelings. I won't get all hormonal and weepy. I'll just try to remember that feelings are often good judges from time to...
5.2.05
together: reconnecting
the option of going to Japan enabled me to connect with someone i hadn't spoken to in a few years. we'd see each other and smile but that was it. but since speaking with her the other day, i feel more comfortable speaking to her as i did again last night and will do in the future. there are quite a few of us here who are in our own circles or not in a circle and don't feel like joining one...we remain separated by nothing special or by our insecurities. this ain't high school. let's build bridges, cross them, get together and have some fun.
our congregation has started a new ministry called:
together: thinking of good endeavors that harvest essential relationships
the bottom line is, we'll get nowhere without God and without each other. so why not make a big effort to connect? most of our organized occasions will occur outside of church in comfortable settings that naturally facilitate positive vibes and reasons to keep on coming "together"...
it's nice.
our congregation has started a new ministry called:
together: thinking of good endeavors that harvest essential relationships
the bottom line is, we'll get nowhere without God and without each other. so why not make a big effort to connect? most of our organized occasions will occur outside of church in comfortable settings that naturally facilitate positive vibes and reasons to keep on coming "together"...
it's nice.
3.2.05
nope
i woke up this morning and said no. as the day progressed, i felt more confident saying no and somehow i know i won't regret it. i'm staying put for the next 3 months. perhaps i'll be able to go another time...perhaps not. for now, it's Lacombe --Alberta, Canada...big sky country.
and what matters is, i'm at peace.
and what matters is, i'm at peace.
peace i do not know
when i make big decisions, i pray about them and if i'm at peace with the thought of saying "yes" to something (especially when i've been really confused) then i'm confident that "yes" is right.
i don't have peace at this moment. i'm going to spend the day getting more information. my next post will most likely have a firm decision.
till then, i'm still praying. i'd hate to make the wrong choice out of fear...
i don't have peace at this moment. i'm going to spend the day getting more information. my next post will most likely have a firm decision.
till then, i'm still praying. i'd hate to make the wrong choice out of fear...
2.2.05
can't intellectualize this
i could go to Japan for 3 months and work in a daycare simply speaking English to children all day. i'd get paid nicely and not have to worry about paying for anything but half my plane ticket and food when i'm there: housing is fully taken care of.
i could stay here for 3 months, make no money except the money i'm owed for the instructor's manual i co-wrote and my tax returns. it won't at all be as much as what i'd make in Japan. but i don't care about money. well, i haven't cared about it until now when i realize what i could make and do with what i make.
if i stay here, i'll be very involved in programming, in tutoring, learning design programs, writing...i have commitments but i'm replacable. i'm not afraid of missing out on what's here. i just don't want to shirk without a really good reason...but i don't know what a really good reason looks like at the moment. i'm not afraid of "life passing me by" but i am afraid of me passing life. i don't think i need to be here. no one needs to be anywhere.
if i go to Japan, i have no idea what life will entail but i know i'll have a close encounter with a way of life i've never known. i'll learn so many new things, things i may never have the opportunity to learn again. i'll see many things i'll never see otherwise.
what's stopping me? my imagination is running out of control. i think of what i'll be able to do with all the money i'll make. i think of the things i'll be able to buy in Japan. i think of the "new" woman i'll possibly become (physically, emotionally, spiritually).
but
i don't think of how amazing it will be to work with the children. i don't think of the potential good i'll impart. i don't think of bettering the lives of others.
i just think of me...at least initially. and that disturbs me. that makes me think that this once in a lifetime shouldn't happen in my lifetime. it makes me think i'm more selfish than i ever imagined.
i'd like to be one of those people who think of others before themselves all the time. but then again, i see those people get used and abused all the time; they often don't know how to set up boundaries and communicate them. but i'd still like to be less about me and more about others. my introverted nature often makes that harder; i'd rather linger in my thoughts then make supper for my family.
so, to Japan or not to Japan? i have no idea. maybe just this once, i'll do something based on how i feel not on how i think i should feel/think/be...
i'm trying to come to a decision before i find out more info. there's a girl here who did it for 9 months...i should find out what she experienced. i should get more info from the man in charge. asking more questions could actually make my decision for me but i don't want that. i want to know what's in my head alone. i want to know my motivation and if it's not good...well...
i could stay here for 3 months, make no money except the money i'm owed for the instructor's manual i co-wrote and my tax returns. it won't at all be as much as what i'd make in Japan. but i don't care about money. well, i haven't cared about it until now when i realize what i could make and do with what i make.
if i stay here, i'll be very involved in programming, in tutoring, learning design programs, writing...i have commitments but i'm replacable. i'm not afraid of missing out on what's here. i just don't want to shirk without a really good reason...but i don't know what a really good reason looks like at the moment. i'm not afraid of "life passing me by" but i am afraid of me passing life. i don't think i need to be here. no one needs to be anywhere.
if i go to Japan, i have no idea what life will entail but i know i'll have a close encounter with a way of life i've never known. i'll learn so many new things, things i may never have the opportunity to learn again. i'll see many things i'll never see otherwise.
what's stopping me? my imagination is running out of control. i think of what i'll be able to do with all the money i'll make. i think of the things i'll be able to buy in Japan. i think of the "new" woman i'll possibly become (physically, emotionally, spiritually).
but
i don't think of how amazing it will be to work with the children. i don't think of the potential good i'll impart. i don't think of bettering the lives of others.
i just think of me...at least initially. and that disturbs me. that makes me think that this once in a lifetime shouldn't happen in my lifetime. it makes me think i'm more selfish than i ever imagined.
i'd like to be one of those people who think of others before themselves all the time. but then again, i see those people get used and abused all the time; they often don't know how to set up boundaries and communicate them. but i'd still like to be less about me and more about others. my introverted nature often makes that harder; i'd rather linger in my thoughts then make supper for my family.
so, to Japan or not to Japan? i have no idea. maybe just this once, i'll do something based on how i feel not on how i think i should feel/think/be...
i'm trying to come to a decision before i find out more info. there's a girl here who did it for 9 months...i should find out what she experienced. i should get more info from the man in charge. asking more questions could actually make my decision for me but i don't want that. i want to know what's in my head alone. i want to know my motivation and if it's not good...well...
1.2.05
20 days
there are 20 days till i'm 26. i'm feeling good about this b-day. just a few years ago i was 23. just a few years ago i was 19. and in just a few years i'll be 85.
it'll always seem like "just a few" so i'd better spend each one wisely.
it'll always seem like "just a few" so i'd better spend each one wisely.