the summer

sometimes you need to just smile or pose or whatever in front of a camera. and then you have to review the madness and smile, laugh, say "what was i thinking?" and then post them so the www can see : )

with bro anthony and dad....our facial expressions kill me!

me and tricia @ campmeeting -- she's such a blessing...

me and lauri in maryland....i've loved her voice since i was like 5 yrs old!

with lola, one of my classmates--an incredible vocalist! so smooth and honest in her sound...

with dean madrigal and cara--we slept on the beach!

surrender...random (very random) thoughts

talked with a friend about what sabbath observance is all about
talked to another friend about how our concept of time factors into sabbath observance
got a better perspective to approach first friend with regarding the sabbath
read a chapter for spiritual formation class about surrender and got frustrated...

who am i to tell you how to use your time? who am i to judge your level of surrender? who am i when i haven't surrendered anything 100%?

well, ptl i'm searching right? and this is what the Spirit revealed today as i read for class, as i wondered how in the world i'm supposed to be juggling all of my responsibilities and do each one well:

1. i do what i can, believing that God will do the rest. i do what i can to the best of my ability, resting in the knowledge that God will do the rest. i want an "A" in ever class particularly so that if i apply to any phd program, my grades won't be a hindrance...if i'm supposed to apply to any phd program and i'm doing my best with God's help then He'll help me get the grades i need....

2. i stop running because running is a sign that i'm trying to do things solo and realize that it won't work. i must trust others. no man is an island...

3. (there's more to learn even today, i'm sure)

i tried loving you

no, this is not a human love poem...trust me. it's me talking to God after recognizing His guidance

i tried loving you

hid the sunshine, packed the tears
dusted off a million fears
wondered why i couldn't hear
i tried loving you

searched my heart in different lands
held the bible in my hand
took a fall but not a stand
i tried loving you

kissed goodbye the common place
kept a smile upon my face
trained for every single race
but failed loving you

finally gave up my time
took your hand and cut off mine
gave away another dime
still failed loving you

prayed for wind and rain to cease
cooked up picture perfect peace
dreamt of permanent relief
then stopped loving you

you don't need a gourmet meal
served atop a packaged deal
reciped by how i feel
i stopped loving you

giving thought only to light
wishing not for my own sight
living for that first-class flight

and now
i think
i'm loving you

i really love life right now

i don't have time (never do) to explain why i love life right now but i just want ya'll to know that i do. i could spend hours counting God's blessings...i really like knowing that.

sailing

vacation days ended on friday :( but i'm sooooooo thankful i was able to have them! now we're in day 2 of a retreat for all the Deans, RAs, and DAs in our dorm. it has been quite challenging. had i remembered what it was like 7 years ago, i probably wouldn't have applied this time around.

yesterday we did a team building activity with they men's team. sailing. we drove to chicago (didn't realize i missed it until we drove around in it...sniff sniff) and boarded small sail boats. then headed out (after some instruction) onto lake michigan. i thought it would be a more rigorous experience. perhaps it was for others. but not so much for me. i think i would have prefered the ropes course. but anyway, i was reminded of a very valuable lesson: you don't know how hard it is to lead until you have to do it. the first person in charge of stearing the boat received a whole lot of commands from our instructor. "no, pull the rudder to you...now away...not so much, not so much!......" i sat there taking care of the jib and wondering why she was having such a hard time. our instructor finally asked if any of us others would like to try stearing. i volunteered...and then i learned. it's no so simple. aside from the fact that stearing a boat is counterintuitive, i still don't understand what it means to go "down" wind vs "up" etc...i needed a longer lesson with a chalkboard and diagrams.

anyway, the object of the exercise was to go around certain markers in the water and be the first back to the starting line. we did alright. i think we were the 3rd boat on the first round out of 10 boats. but i wanted more. i wanted a greater challenge. if we hadn't had our instructor, or if he'd stop giving instructions, the challenge would have been much greater.

but i was reminded not to judge so prematurely and also to share the leadership experience...some time after, i gave the steering job over to another team member...my only regret is that i didn't give it over sooner so that the 4 member could have had a chance. we all need to be in the hot seat at least for 5 minutes and especially when surrounded by support.

anyway, aside from sailing, there have been other lessons. i'm learning more about how to be one of the "older" girls, how to model discipline and professionalism.

God is still good...

vacation day 1

first day of vacation doesn't seem like vacation...didn't get up early enough...it's all about the crack of dawn baby! this'll be all over too soon...

oh what a tangled web we weave
when all we want is to acheive

first comes love
then come marriage
then comes the...

okay, laundry awaits :)

don't want to sleep

(wish i had a laptop...soon.)

i'm feeling a bit restless but awefully tired and yet happy all at once. despite the last post, i'm a happy woman. so i'd rather stay awake and contemplate my happiness.

i'm in the office that i share with 3 others. my plants are here b/c my place is too cold at the moment (carpets drying). and these suckers are just florishing. my word! maybe one will have to take up residence here permanently. or maybe i'll just cut off a piece in a few days, repot it and leave it. a plant will certainly do this space good. am i my mother's child or what? ha

i'm also happy about other things like friends calling and having good convo and remembering past escapades and looking forward to future gatherings.

amidst all the craziness of life, i'm loving it still...so i don't want to sleep, just want to ponder...

keeping it real

how does that go exactly? how do i maintain honesty when folks don't want to hear it and when i'm not even always open to the option? and how do i stay positive as i council others?

girl, they aren't all bad. trust me, there's hope, there's one for you.

sure, it's truth and i'm not anywhere close to man-hating but so many women are and it's hard to help them see hope when the list of "not there yets" grows longer and longer with every passing week.

i think this is my first "what's the problem with men" sort of post and i don't plan to make it a habit. guess i'm just frustrated...and not just with the men but also with the women. i want to tell some of them some stuff they aren't ready to hear.

get yourself in order. recognize your unhealthy cycle and get help. and for crying out loud get that "i'm desperate" sign off your face!

okay, i should probably go back to bed. i was comfortably there when the phone rang and...yeah, i got up, etc.

just wish more folks had the relationship peace i've got. can't we all just be? guess i've got just enough good men in my life--from dad to brother to uncles to friends--and for that i praise the Lord!

from the heart

though i fear verbal diarrhea in this moment, it's about time i write...it's been so long...feels like months and months but it's only been weeks.

let's start with blessing:

1. i'm still happy to be here. my advisor keeps asking me if i'm still happy with my decision to come...it's part of his way of checking up on me, making sure i'm doing alright. we met yesterday to arrange my schedule for the fall semester. it's nice to have people who know your parents and can talk about when your parents weren't your parents...the dating fazes...lovely!

2. my apartment finally looks as though someone actually likes living there. most of the boxes have been put in proper places. the bright curtains add such life that the boxes sort of overshadowed.

3. i'm developing a ministry here in the dorm...it's part of my DA job and i'm glad...it's a part of my job that i'll really enjoy. i've already spoken to one resident who i want to get on board because of her charisma and to help nurture that charisma. i'm now responsible (by a certain age/maturity level we all develop a responsibility we cannot afford to shun) for guiding those younger than me whenever possible. i'm humbled by the task and also excited to see how God will work through me. this is "together" lamson hall style...

4. i was asked to sing for a program tonight. i had a really "blah" kind of day, the sort that doesn't go according to plan, not because of any major interactions but simply because i'm absolutely mentally exhausted. i had a plan, a really great plan. and i actually got some major things accomplished. as i look back on the day, i'm quite surprised and grateful to see how much God helped me do. but i wish i'd taken the planned nap...that was crucial. but back to the music...i didn't feel very prepared to sing. i hadn't spent the sort of time i'm used to spending right before a performance. i prayed for help and i sang from my heart. that's what you have to do whenever you do anything to glorify God. if it's not guided by God and from the heart, someone won't hear what he/she is supposed to hear.

5. i get to go to bed now : )

sabbath.rest.literally

tomorrow morning will be spent sleeping for ALAP...that's "As Long As Possible."

i'm so tired. and my body really hates me for being so mean to it.

how dare you go to bed at 11 and wake up at 3 one day then go to bed at 11 and wake up at 4 another day then go to bed at midnight and wake up at 6 another day? and all those naps...why the teaser?

i'm sorry dear body of mine. i going to try and change things, i promise.

alright folks. thanks for being part of my self-body confessional moment...now let's talk about something fun and exciting....like....um....hermeneutics!

yes, i'm a nerd. for those of you who don't know, hermeneutics basically means the method of interpretation. so when applied to the bible, your hermeneutic is what enables you to grasp craziness such as how hebrews lists samson among the great exemplars of faith. i mean, it's not that hard to grasp. his final prayer before his suicide was a prayer of faith. but the implications of being called faithful are what complicate everything. so we have to set up a solid interpretive framework. we have to wrestle with the texts using a wholistic and intertextual approach.

i'm actually doing a research paper on this that's why it's in my head. it's called "paul's faithful samson: the need for a wholistic and intertextual hermeneutic"....yeah, subtitle and all! that's what it's about baby!

but anyway, it's sabbath and i should allow my mind to rest from the scholastic life. praise the Lord for 24 hours of intentional low/no stress. praise the Lord!

in other news, this place is so green it's out of control! green grass, green trees...soooo many trees. can somebody cut them down so we can see the sky please? am i asking too much? yes...i know. this isn't alberta. i'll get over it...perhaps. but oh, the campus smells so good. i'm not sure what it is...lilacs? i'm not good with flowers/plants. i just know that i often step out of a building, breath in, and smile deeply.

and i also smile deeply when i think of people i miss and places i miss (not that i'm happy to miss them...you know what i mean!) and i find great contentment in knowing i'm where i'm supposed to be at the time i'm supposed to be here. many people here talk about all the time they spent running away from what God wanted for them. i feel as if i've spent a lot of time running toward this. and now that i'm here, even though is tough and busy and i'm physically drained, i'm happy.

so hear my words and rest in the knowledge that this sabbath is right where you need to be.

till later,
wordhabit

GBP (God Be Praised)

i got that one from my dad via msn messenger...go figure! the parents are more "im" savvy than the children. have mercy!!

well, GBP indeed coz life is good. let me tell you how.

i came back to school because i knew God wanted me to...i'm enjoying school and work...i don't know if i've ever been so excited about school.

however, though it's only been 2 weeks, i feel as though at least a month has passed because things have been a bit crazy. from going to bed late because of work to waking up early because i need to study, i haven't been getting the rest i need. i've been eating well and even exercising but the time i should be spending in lala land has been insufficient...to say the least.

to add to that, my prayer for finances wasn't answered the way i thought God would answer...the way i'd asked Him to answer. it honestly hasn't been a source of stress because i new that somehow or another, it would all work out. however, the last two days got the best of me. on wednesday, i started to hold on to what i call and "emotional itch"...my impatience got the best of me and i started to get demanding, telling God what He "needed" to do. and while i think it's fine and appropriate to be honest with God, i realize that my faith was quickly disappearing. yesterday morning i found comfort in the story of joseph, realizing that he was faithful to God in all things...and not simply because God's faithfulness was always easy to see.

so i began the day with about a tenth of a mustard seed of faith. by the afternoon, i got demanding again and my frustration grew. why the student loan mixups? why can't the road be easy just this once? why can't things work out according to what i thought was a very good plan?

then my wonderful parents, realizing my plight and not wanting me to be stressed out, jumped on board.

GBP!

i'll get the student loan but just not in the time i'd prefer
i'll get financial clearance and be a legal employee here
i'll have peace of mind because, as usual, God provides for His children...often through their earthly parents....even when the children think they should be old enough to do things on their own...

GBP!

quick update

i had a quiz in my church history class today. and i got 5 out of 5!

you may be asking "so what? that's 5 stinkin points...what's the big deal?"

listen, i came here to get an education and get it good. that means "A" grades. i know...it's not a matter of salvation but the 5 not only represents the good grades i want but the fact that God has truly been blessing each step of the way. i haven't had as much time as i'd like to study simply because i'm tired and also have to work and cook and exercise and sleep. i was up at some horrible hour again today. i asked the Lord to wake me when He saw fit. as soon as i woke, i begged for more time...please Lord, just a few more minutes!! please!!! so He gave me a few more then woke me up again. by the time i actually got up, it was 4:30...yes, 4:30 AM!! i finished reading and studying for my daily quiz, unsure of just how much i'd retain, praying that i'd get everything right. God blessed! He helped me do my part--study--and He helped me recall (minor spelling errors not included)

the 3 i got yesterday will not do ever again! i'm shooting for the moon folks! the moon!! and God's right beside me reminding me that i'll be okay...even if i don't always get 8 hours : )

missing home but holding on....

and it's go girls go!

this stuff ain't no joke! 2 classes and i'm worn out. haven't even read. began work today. now i'm off to sleep. i'll wake up early and read. it'll be quite the adventure. it's amazing to have so much to do and yet know it'll all get done!

one step at a time.... : )

i had a great chat with two girls today. one's in seminary. one's doing a religion BA. both were such great sources of encouragement. the Lord knew i needed that. this journey is already amazing, filled with good and bad. faith is key!!!!!!!!!!!!

till later...

cemetery....i mean, seminary! hehe

the hours continue to fly. tomorrow i'll have my first two classes, one of which i've heard will kick my butt! but i'm fine with that. if it's tough but good, i'm up for it! i'm sure i'll have much to say on class toughness, student-teacher relations, student-student relations, etc. we had new seminary student orientation this morning. how dare they make us sit for 3 1/2 hours and not feed us! orange juice is not, NOT, food. they probably had food at the international student orientation but apparently that one is usually boring for anyone from north america.

anyway...the sun is finally out so i plan to do some rollerblading. it was my plan to do that as soon as i stepped on the campus thursday night. but it was raining and i was tired anyway. and it just keeps on raining. so i'm going to do some blading before the sky changes its mind.

it's very very green here. it almost (almost) makes up for the grey skies. i wish i had a digital camera. i'd show you pics of my apartment. it's rather cute. as time goes on, i'll do some decorating, really give it a homier feel. i like having to cook...well, that's what i say now. it's only sunday, after all...but it forces me to use my time better. i went into the cafeteria on friday to get a snack before heading out to buy groceries. i looked at the food and wondered how in the world i ever ate it six years ago! i bought a banana, thinking it would be a wonderful stomach pleaser...it was, by far, one of the worst bananas i've ever had. where are the bananas we eat in alberta from? banana land? even the bananas i bought aren't treating me right. they may all be allowed to turn brown and end up in the freezer for future banana bread!

i'm so thankful the campus isn't huge! i can walk 5 minutes to class, 2 minutes to church, etc. and i'm actually glad that i don't have my own computer at the moment because i need to take time to get everything else sorted out. still have a bit of unpacking and cleaning to do. that's what the rest of today is for!

what's fun about being here? it's actually fun to hear, "oh, you're dr. lawrence's daughter!" and see the looks on ppls faces. there's the "pleased to know you" look and the "i don't know how i feel about this" look. there's also the "i think you're royalty" look. i'm sure i'll get more as the days roll on. i don't plan to abuse my connections. i plan to continue having fun! with all the stress of school and work, i'll NEED as much fun as i can. why not start now?!

what's the best thing about being here? so far, it's knowing that i'm supposed to be here! praise the Lord!

till later...

hello world

i'm tired. i'd like to lay outside and sleep in the wind, soak up the sky. perhaps it'll fit in my pores....perhaps i'll remember it's face, be able to recall it during claustrophobic michigan days. but if nothing more, i'll remember that it made me smile.

that is, perhaps, the most poetic thing i've written in a long while. why did i stop writing poetry again? i have no idea. i was never that good at it. but i enjoyed it, enjoyed calling myself a poet. i think it helped me define myself at a time i needed a definition. c'est la vie n'est pas? from time to time we need definitions....

hello world...define this!

au seminary

oh my oh my oh my

here is yesterday's mass email:

i'm in!

and now i'm sad i don't want to leave here....that may sound crazy but it's true. i should be happy coz i know i'm doing what God wants me to do. but right now, at 1:38 pm, i'm sad.

but on a happy note, let's take a look at the order of how things worked out:

i applied to andrews
i applied for a job at andrews
i applied for a student loan
i got my student loan
i got the job
i got accepted

mysterious ways.....

i start may 15. please keep me in prayer as the next month of my life is bound to be a bit crazy.

what's really cool is that the last three in my list happened on 3 consecutive days. april 11, 12, 13. i really like that part. it's as if God said, "now watch Me as I do some coolness." ta da!

"for i know the plans i think toward you says the LORD, plans to prosper not harm you, to give you an end and a future."

jazzzzzzzzzzzzzz

oh yeah!

i was backed by a jazz band today....so lovely! i've never had this experience, not big band style. i messed up a few times...forgot when to come in. but oh well. folks probably didn't know. and hey, i only practiced with the band twice and one of those times i only practiced one song. so for that little practice time, i'd say this was quite brilliant :)

and from there, a few of us hung out at a friends place. a concert must always be followed by nice chill time with mint tea. ah. yes.

i've done a lot.... A LOT of singing lately. not sure why i haven't talked about it all yet. maybe this week as things have died down. it has all been an amazing time, a time that has reinforced what i already know....i need to do A LOT more singing! and while i'm at it, maybe make some money??

to bed...

filling in blanks

i don't have it all worked out just yet though i wish i did because then i could explain myself better and my experience could be a much more powerful witness...one day.

for now, while it's still pre 10pm, i'll say this: while on the "just a closer walk with Jesus" journey, it's important to not only pay attention to whether or not i'm actively connecting with Him through prayer and bible study but whether or not i'm actively paying attention to people, to immediate needs, and to resting in the everyday joy. examples of everyday joy are:

1. waking up
2. eating food that tastes good
3. cooking food that tastes good
4. having meaningful conversations
5. putting on comfortable clothes that look good
6. thanking God for sales
7. sharing God's blessings

till later...

wear your heels!

today was the best sunday i've had in a very long time. it was just a great day period.

i woke up well rested, though desirous (as usual) of a little more time under the covers. the last two days found me feeling fluish--NOT GOOD! so saturday night i got to sleep earlier than usual and slept soundly and well...the covers hadn't moved much by morning. YAY!

anyway, once i finally got out of bed, showered, had devotions, ate, conditioned my hair (it's happier now) and other things here and there, the time soon came for my departure. departure? to where? to shop!!

let me set up the background for you to facilitate better understanding.

i don't particularly care for shopping. it's not some lovely thing i must do often. more often than not, i go shopping when i NEED something not simply when i WANT something. consequently, my shopping experiences can be a right pain because, more often than not, i don't find what i need very easily. so it's best that i go alone. going with friends or family only makes the experience more frustrating. can we leave yet? are you done yet? blah blah blah.

so i went alone to the metropolis 20 minutes away called red deer. i started at the southern most point planning to work my way all the way north. thankfully, time did not permit me to travel through all shopping areas....i probably would have been tired and faint by the end if i'd made it everywhere.

well, i went with a list in hand. i'd drafted the list before going so as to make my conscious fully aware of what my subconscious had in mind. ha. the list is quite imaginative and lovely. i knew i wouldn't get everything on my list today but i had hopes that a few things would be purchased. and i allowed myself the option of picking up things NOT on my list if, indeed, they fit the general scheme of things. and a lovely pair of flat, pointed, green slingbacks made it in! woohoo!!

yes, this was a really great shopping time. i didn't spend that much money. i actually got quite a few sales...always a bonus! and i left red deer feeling confident that i'd soon get all i need.

need.

such a peculiar word. it's often the result of our dysfunction, our desire to be like/look like/sound like/etc someone else. so we purchase, purchase, purchase. i heard a couple of ladies in the changing room. one was trying on a dress that the other greatly admired. apparently it didn't fit perfectly but for only $25? why not? ha! that's how NOT to shop. that's how you rack up crazy debt. if the dress doesn't fit the way it's meant to fit then unless you're a fabulous seamstress or you know one who won't charge you, leave the dress in the store!

okay, i got off track there.

need.

i'm realizing my need to focus on myself in certain areas. today reminded me of that when i slipped on my brown heels, shoes i haven't worn since probably july or so, shoes that remind me to look the way i enjoy looking. i enjoy good, clean lines and warm textures. i enjoy comfortable heals. i enjoy material that fits well and flows well. so why aren't i wearing those clothes more often? why do i reserve them for church or weddings or other "dress up" occasions? just because i don't have a 9-5 in the corporate world doesn't mean that jeans and a sweatshirt should be as good as it gets! why have i let myself go? did i ever have myself? have i ever been a consistent dressor? i don't know. nevertheless, it's time to take things up a notch...not so that i get flanked with compliments but it's amazing how a pair of heels (or anything that's truly you) can step things up mentally. seemingly all of a sudden, i'm about business again...and not just while i'm in the heels but after they're off and the sweatpants are back.

it's the process. i had hair issues. i talked them over with a friend. the friend diagnosed the problem as spiritual. i'll admit, i didn't believe that at first. but i allowed myself to process the possibility. could my God connection really be so jacked up that now my hair is an issue? yes. but it didn't happen overnight. i didn't wake up and suddenly have a hair issue. it resulted from years of misguided value judgments, faulty conclusions, unfortunate perceptions. and not just my hair because my hair affected my entire being. so from the top down, i had become detached from God's will for me in some very significant ways, ways i didn't think had any spiritual connection. hair? how can hair mess with spiritual wholeness? oh trust me! it can. it did. i hope it doesn't any longer. heels? oh yes! let's just say that when you pray for something and when that prayer is from a real desire, keep the prayer! don't get rid of the prayer just because it's not a matter of life and death. i know...i'm being a little vague here but trust me when i say that heels are significant, really really significant. i must keep my heels and i must wear my heels.

let me just state, however, that i'm not advocating shopping as pain medicine. shopping has been, for me, the result of growth. God actually doesn't mind if i look good. hmmmm, what a concept. (yeah, i've got issues)

when an organization is having troubles, we do our analysis from the top down. the same is true for ourselves. when we've hit a rough patch, we can't automatically run to the store, spend some cash and expect to feel better. first we check the head...not the hair...the brain. what's not functioning right? what thoughts are interfering with growth? as we ask and answer, we move from the head and work our way down. we may not have to hit on every single body part...in fact, we may go from head to hair to heels...that's how it happened for me. but whatever the process, we must start at the top.

who's in charge at the top? me or God? and if He's truly Lord of my life, am i trusting Him in that position? am i listening? am i responding honestly? am i dealing with my dysfunction or am i simply medicating pain? ah, there's so much to write but i need to sleep. perhaps this should become a book. i think so. it'll be about how we have the power to create a false sense of wholeness through the very things we don't think have that much power.

anway....do i have it all together now? nope! i'm still suffering from growing pains. but i'm seeing a lot of light now. my thoughts are better connected to what God wants me to do and where, and how, etc. and now i'm not so caught up in making my hair a symbol. instead, i'm just allowing it to grow. and i'm realizing that just like love should be expressed, good heals should be worn!

oh yes. today has been a very good day. : )

moving.on.

i've been learning a lot, A LOT, of lessons lately. the growing pains absolutely stink but i'm thankful God has patience. the lessons are:

i should not allow my hair to mess up my subconscious and therefore control (limit) my behaviour unnecessarily
i should welcome the sense of urgency to live a life that pleases the Lord
i should put my immediate and extended family first as i witness
i should not use "tough luck" as a way to dismiss self improvement
i should be more in touch with my emotions
i should learn to cook well
i should not look at the world through boxing gloves...not everything's a fight
i should often shut up and really, really listen
i should not use silence as the measure of a man
i should often take the advice i give

okay, i'm going to stop there. coz i've also learned that i should go to bed by 10pm.