GBP (God Be Praised)

i got that one from my dad via msn messenger...go figure! the parents are more "im" savvy than the children. have mercy!!

well, GBP indeed coz life is good. let me tell you how.

i came back to school because i knew God wanted me to...i'm enjoying school and work...i don't know if i've ever been so excited about school.

however, though it's only been 2 weeks, i feel as though at least a month has passed because things have been a bit crazy. from going to bed late because of work to waking up early because i need to study, i haven't been getting the rest i need. i've been eating well and even exercising but the time i should be spending in lala land has been insufficient...to say the least.

to add to that, my prayer for finances wasn't answered the way i thought God would answer...the way i'd asked Him to answer. it honestly hasn't been a source of stress because i new that somehow or another, it would all work out. however, the last two days got the best of me. on wednesday, i started to hold on to what i call and "emotional itch"...my impatience got the best of me and i started to get demanding, telling God what He "needed" to do. and while i think it's fine and appropriate to be honest with God, i realize that my faith was quickly disappearing. yesterday morning i found comfort in the story of joseph, realizing that he was faithful to God in all things...and not simply because God's faithfulness was always easy to see.

so i began the day with about a tenth of a mustard seed of faith. by the afternoon, i got demanding again and my frustration grew. why the student loan mixups? why can't the road be easy just this once? why can't things work out according to what i thought was a very good plan?

then my wonderful parents, realizing my plight and not wanting me to be stressed out, jumped on board.

GBP!

i'll get the student loan but just not in the time i'd prefer
i'll get financial clearance and be a legal employee here
i'll have peace of mind because, as usual, God provides for His children...often through their earthly parents....even when the children think they should be old enough to do things on their own...

GBP!

quick update

i had a quiz in my church history class today. and i got 5 out of 5!

you may be asking "so what? that's 5 stinkin points...what's the big deal?"

listen, i came here to get an education and get it good. that means "A" grades. i know...it's not a matter of salvation but the 5 not only represents the good grades i want but the fact that God has truly been blessing each step of the way. i haven't had as much time as i'd like to study simply because i'm tired and also have to work and cook and exercise and sleep. i was up at some horrible hour again today. i asked the Lord to wake me when He saw fit. as soon as i woke, i begged for more time...please Lord, just a few more minutes!! please!!! so He gave me a few more then woke me up again. by the time i actually got up, it was 4:30...yes, 4:30 AM!! i finished reading and studying for my daily quiz, unsure of just how much i'd retain, praying that i'd get everything right. God blessed! He helped me do my part--study--and He helped me recall (minor spelling errors not included)

the 3 i got yesterday will not do ever again! i'm shooting for the moon folks! the moon!! and God's right beside me reminding me that i'll be okay...even if i don't always get 8 hours : )

missing home but holding on....

and it's go girls go!

this stuff ain't no joke! 2 classes and i'm worn out. haven't even read. began work today. now i'm off to sleep. i'll wake up early and read. it'll be quite the adventure. it's amazing to have so much to do and yet know it'll all get done!

one step at a time.... : )

i had a great chat with two girls today. one's in seminary. one's doing a religion BA. both were such great sources of encouragement. the Lord knew i needed that. this journey is already amazing, filled with good and bad. faith is key!!!!!!!!!!!!

till later...

cemetery....i mean, seminary! hehe

the hours continue to fly. tomorrow i'll have my first two classes, one of which i've heard will kick my butt! but i'm fine with that. if it's tough but good, i'm up for it! i'm sure i'll have much to say on class toughness, student-teacher relations, student-student relations, etc. we had new seminary student orientation this morning. how dare they make us sit for 3 1/2 hours and not feed us! orange juice is not, NOT, food. they probably had food at the international student orientation but apparently that one is usually boring for anyone from north america.

anyway...the sun is finally out so i plan to do some rollerblading. it was my plan to do that as soon as i stepped on the campus thursday night. but it was raining and i was tired anyway. and it just keeps on raining. so i'm going to do some blading before the sky changes its mind.

it's very very green here. it almost (almost) makes up for the grey skies. i wish i had a digital camera. i'd show you pics of my apartment. it's rather cute. as time goes on, i'll do some decorating, really give it a homier feel. i like having to cook...well, that's what i say now. it's only sunday, after all...but it forces me to use my time better. i went into the cafeteria on friday to get a snack before heading out to buy groceries. i looked at the food and wondered how in the world i ever ate it six years ago! i bought a banana, thinking it would be a wonderful stomach pleaser...it was, by far, one of the worst bananas i've ever had. where are the bananas we eat in alberta from? banana land? even the bananas i bought aren't treating me right. they may all be allowed to turn brown and end up in the freezer for future banana bread!

i'm so thankful the campus isn't huge! i can walk 5 minutes to class, 2 minutes to church, etc. and i'm actually glad that i don't have my own computer at the moment because i need to take time to get everything else sorted out. still have a bit of unpacking and cleaning to do. that's what the rest of today is for!

what's fun about being here? it's actually fun to hear, "oh, you're dr. lawrence's daughter!" and see the looks on ppls faces. there's the "pleased to know you" look and the "i don't know how i feel about this" look. there's also the "i think you're royalty" look. i'm sure i'll get more as the days roll on. i don't plan to abuse my connections. i plan to continue having fun! with all the stress of school and work, i'll NEED as much fun as i can. why not start now?!

what's the best thing about being here? so far, it's knowing that i'm supposed to be here! praise the Lord!

till later...

hello world

i'm tired. i'd like to lay outside and sleep in the wind, soak up the sky. perhaps it'll fit in my pores....perhaps i'll remember it's face, be able to recall it during claustrophobic michigan days. but if nothing more, i'll remember that it made me smile.

that is, perhaps, the most poetic thing i've written in a long while. why did i stop writing poetry again? i have no idea. i was never that good at it. but i enjoyed it, enjoyed calling myself a poet. i think it helped me define myself at a time i needed a definition. c'est la vie n'est pas? from time to time we need definitions....

hello world...define this!

au seminary

oh my oh my oh my

here is yesterday's mass email:

i'm in!

and now i'm sad i don't want to leave here....that may sound crazy but it's true. i should be happy coz i know i'm doing what God wants me to do. but right now, at 1:38 pm, i'm sad.

but on a happy note, let's take a look at the order of how things worked out:

i applied to andrews
i applied for a job at andrews
i applied for a student loan
i got my student loan
i got the job
i got accepted

mysterious ways.....

i start may 15. please keep me in prayer as the next month of my life is bound to be a bit crazy.

what's really cool is that the last three in my list happened on 3 consecutive days. april 11, 12, 13. i really like that part. it's as if God said, "now watch Me as I do some coolness." ta da!

"for i know the plans i think toward you says the LORD, plans to prosper not harm you, to give you an end and a future."

jazzzzzzzzzzzzzz

oh yeah!

i was backed by a jazz band today....so lovely! i've never had this experience, not big band style. i messed up a few times...forgot when to come in. but oh well. folks probably didn't know. and hey, i only practiced with the band twice and one of those times i only practiced one song. so for that little practice time, i'd say this was quite brilliant :)

and from there, a few of us hung out at a friends place. a concert must always be followed by nice chill time with mint tea. ah. yes.

i've done a lot.... A LOT of singing lately. not sure why i haven't talked about it all yet. maybe this week as things have died down. it has all been an amazing time, a time that has reinforced what i already know....i need to do A LOT more singing! and while i'm at it, maybe make some money??

to bed...

filling in blanks

i don't have it all worked out just yet though i wish i did because then i could explain myself better and my experience could be a much more powerful witness...one day.

for now, while it's still pre 10pm, i'll say this: while on the "just a closer walk with Jesus" journey, it's important to not only pay attention to whether or not i'm actively connecting with Him through prayer and bible study but whether or not i'm actively paying attention to people, to immediate needs, and to resting in the everyday joy. examples of everyday joy are:

1. waking up
2. eating food that tastes good
3. cooking food that tastes good
4. having meaningful conversations
5. putting on comfortable clothes that look good
6. thanking God for sales
7. sharing God's blessings

till later...

wear your heels!

today was the best sunday i've had in a very long time. it was just a great day period.

i woke up well rested, though desirous (as usual) of a little more time under the covers. the last two days found me feeling fluish--NOT GOOD! so saturday night i got to sleep earlier than usual and slept soundly and well...the covers hadn't moved much by morning. YAY!

anyway, once i finally got out of bed, showered, had devotions, ate, conditioned my hair (it's happier now) and other things here and there, the time soon came for my departure. departure? to where? to shop!!

let me set up the background for you to facilitate better understanding.

i don't particularly care for shopping. it's not some lovely thing i must do often. more often than not, i go shopping when i NEED something not simply when i WANT something. consequently, my shopping experiences can be a right pain because, more often than not, i don't find what i need very easily. so it's best that i go alone. going with friends or family only makes the experience more frustrating. can we leave yet? are you done yet? blah blah blah.

so i went alone to the metropolis 20 minutes away called red deer. i started at the southern most point planning to work my way all the way north. thankfully, time did not permit me to travel through all shopping areas....i probably would have been tired and faint by the end if i'd made it everywhere.

well, i went with a list in hand. i'd drafted the list before going so as to make my conscious fully aware of what my subconscious had in mind. ha. the list is quite imaginative and lovely. i knew i wouldn't get everything on my list today but i had hopes that a few things would be purchased. and i allowed myself the option of picking up things NOT on my list if, indeed, they fit the general scheme of things. and a lovely pair of flat, pointed, green slingbacks made it in! woohoo!!

yes, this was a really great shopping time. i didn't spend that much money. i actually got quite a few sales...always a bonus! and i left red deer feeling confident that i'd soon get all i need.

need.

such a peculiar word. it's often the result of our dysfunction, our desire to be like/look like/sound like/etc someone else. so we purchase, purchase, purchase. i heard a couple of ladies in the changing room. one was trying on a dress that the other greatly admired. apparently it didn't fit perfectly but for only $25? why not? ha! that's how NOT to shop. that's how you rack up crazy debt. if the dress doesn't fit the way it's meant to fit then unless you're a fabulous seamstress or you know one who won't charge you, leave the dress in the store!

okay, i got off track there.

need.

i'm realizing my need to focus on myself in certain areas. today reminded me of that when i slipped on my brown heels, shoes i haven't worn since probably july or so, shoes that remind me to look the way i enjoy looking. i enjoy good, clean lines and warm textures. i enjoy comfortable heals. i enjoy material that fits well and flows well. so why aren't i wearing those clothes more often? why do i reserve them for church or weddings or other "dress up" occasions? just because i don't have a 9-5 in the corporate world doesn't mean that jeans and a sweatshirt should be as good as it gets! why have i let myself go? did i ever have myself? have i ever been a consistent dressor? i don't know. nevertheless, it's time to take things up a notch...not so that i get flanked with compliments but it's amazing how a pair of heels (or anything that's truly you) can step things up mentally. seemingly all of a sudden, i'm about business again...and not just while i'm in the heels but after they're off and the sweatpants are back.

it's the process. i had hair issues. i talked them over with a friend. the friend diagnosed the problem as spiritual. i'll admit, i didn't believe that at first. but i allowed myself to process the possibility. could my God connection really be so jacked up that now my hair is an issue? yes. but it didn't happen overnight. i didn't wake up and suddenly have a hair issue. it resulted from years of misguided value judgments, faulty conclusions, unfortunate perceptions. and not just my hair because my hair affected my entire being. so from the top down, i had become detached from God's will for me in some very significant ways, ways i didn't think had any spiritual connection. hair? how can hair mess with spiritual wholeness? oh trust me! it can. it did. i hope it doesn't any longer. heels? oh yes! let's just say that when you pray for something and when that prayer is from a real desire, keep the prayer! don't get rid of the prayer just because it's not a matter of life and death. i know...i'm being a little vague here but trust me when i say that heels are significant, really really significant. i must keep my heels and i must wear my heels.

let me just state, however, that i'm not advocating shopping as pain medicine. shopping has been, for me, the result of growth. God actually doesn't mind if i look good. hmmmm, what a concept. (yeah, i've got issues)

when an organization is having troubles, we do our analysis from the top down. the same is true for ourselves. when we've hit a rough patch, we can't automatically run to the store, spend some cash and expect to feel better. first we check the head...not the hair...the brain. what's not functioning right? what thoughts are interfering with growth? as we ask and answer, we move from the head and work our way down. we may not have to hit on every single body part...in fact, we may go from head to hair to heels...that's how it happened for me. but whatever the process, we must start at the top.

who's in charge at the top? me or God? and if He's truly Lord of my life, am i trusting Him in that position? am i listening? am i responding honestly? am i dealing with my dysfunction or am i simply medicating pain? ah, there's so much to write but i need to sleep. perhaps this should become a book. i think so. it'll be about how we have the power to create a false sense of wholeness through the very things we don't think have that much power.

anway....do i have it all together now? nope! i'm still suffering from growing pains. but i'm seeing a lot of light now. my thoughts are better connected to what God wants me to do and where, and how, etc. and now i'm not so caught up in making my hair a symbol. instead, i'm just allowing it to grow. and i'm realizing that just like love should be expressed, good heals should be worn!

oh yes. today has been a very good day. : )

moving.on.

i've been learning a lot, A LOT, of lessons lately. the growing pains absolutely stink but i'm thankful God has patience. the lessons are:

i should not allow my hair to mess up my subconscious and therefore control (limit) my behaviour unnecessarily
i should welcome the sense of urgency to live a life that pleases the Lord
i should put my immediate and extended family first as i witness
i should not use "tough luck" as a way to dismiss self improvement
i should be more in touch with my emotions
i should learn to cook well
i should not look at the world through boxing gloves...not everything's a fight
i should often shut up and really, really listen
i should not use silence as the measure of a man
i should often take the advice i give

okay, i'm going to stop there. coz i've also learned that i should go to bed by 10pm.

strange happiness

today i didn't get much work done because i was frustrated with a couple of things...my hair was one of those things. i made the executive decision to stop wasting time working (i really wasn't accomplishing anything) and tackle my frustrations. so i did. and praise the Lord! victory!! well, not completely. but i'm definitely on the path to recovery.

i know, recovery is such a big word...you'd think i'd been on drugs or something. but perhaps some effective parallels can be drawn here. any addiction has major consequences and what i'm realizing more and more is how much i've allowed my hair to be an addiction. i'm addicted to making sure it's not status quo. i'm addicted to making sure my hair is a symbol of rebellion against mainstream beauty standards. i'm addicted to.....and i'm sure i could add some more.

what i thought was a simple desire to care for my hair is soooooooooo much more, all of which i don't have time to get into at the moment. i'll end by saying this: i can't continue to allow my hair to define me the way it has....as some sort of poster child/adult for natural strength, beauty, and a "real" sense of self. the last time i was this frustrated with my hair, i cut it off. that was 1998 and i was part of a radical natural hair movement among black girls at my school (even though i'd never had a relaxer. somehow my short fro gave women with relaxed hair encouragement to "go for the gold"....yeah, i thought naturalhood was gold. now i understand it to be simply another hair style. anyway...)

i'm loving this day, these strides. now i must sleep, get physical strength for tomorrow, rest my emotions from the rollercoaster.

thank you Jesus!

hair

it's helping me see my need for Jesus. yes, to some of you that's really really strange. but it's real.

baby steps.

body.shape.size

a highly profound thought just crossed my mind, one i'm sure you're dying to read! so here you go....

it's nice to live in a region of north america in which shapely white women reside. and i'm not talking about 50 yr old white women who've "let themselves go"....no, i'm talking about 25, 28, 33 yr olds who exercise, eat well, sleep well, and wake up shapely and confident.

it's nice because it has relaxed me subconsciously. i've never been obsessed about whether or not my body is the shape and size of models or celebs. but i've had my share of body concern, not wanting to be skinny but being afraid to be too much more than lean. i've known for years that my ideas of beauty are more often than not socially constructed. i've known that the typical white, blonde, blue-eyed, model size female has been the standard i'll never be able to rise to and shouldn't have to. i'm quite alright being black-skinned, black-haired, brown-eyed, etc....my hair has long been the one thing that's set me apart from women both white and black.

but with all this knowledge, it's not till now that i'm most comfortable being me, not until my environment's changed to not reflect city strutters. and because i'm not in school, i'm not bombarded by wannabe, mimicky, insecure, false-representations-of self-via-fashion chicks...well, not usually.

all that is to say this: it's a shame that i'm still being defined by what i'm not. it has taken the presence of white shapely girls to make me feel comfortable in my black shapely skin....maybe one day i'll just be me, comfortably me....

the day after

so last night was chill and a lot of fun. i've decided that mid-week parties are the way to go...why not? it seems there's never enough time with friends. you make time over the weekend, you run into each other in the store, you chat on the phone, you "im," you check up on each other via others....still, not enough time. but anyway, 27 is STILL good. thanks to wonderful family and friends, i had a lovely party with poppy seed lemon cake! forgot to make a wish...oh well...it's probably better that way : )

i also got great gifts...my friends are sooooooooo creative and fun! but it was the gift of time that mattered to me most. and these are some of the crazies i spent my time with last night. hee hee....nothin but love, nothin but love! can you believe i hang out with them? wow? miracles still happen. haha

and now, to prove that miracles still happen, we have snow, serious snow. honestly! we haven't had much yet this winter. the poor farmers may now breathe some relief. i have yet to frolic in it....maybe later on.

well, since i'm older now, let me make a list of things to look forward to: 1. STOMP this weekend, 2. getting my book published, 3. .....okay, this is harder than i thought. there are things to look forward to....i'm just a bit sleep deprived, you know, the usual...

till later....

ah.

watched "hoosiers" tonight.

such a lovely movie. it's a strange relief when you watch something that has no bad language, no sex, no hints at something nasty or unnecessary....just clean, healthy, fun.

tomorrow's my birthday.

yay!

what other unrelated thought can i throw in here?

i bought hockey skates!

yay!

it's been a year

since i've been blogging. lovely.

it's official....

"lovely" is one of my favourite words.

yum.

okay....must walk and sing and talk and smile.

skaaaaaaaating

lovely!!!! (no, that's not where i skated)

skating is enough like rollerblading that it wasn't hard. (it was my second time on the ice. the first time was about 7 years ago!) and the ice was smooth enough and the night was warm yet cold enough. and the sky was dark enough. and the pond was big enough. and the fire was warm enough. and the friends were enough.

it was a little piece of....yes....heaven. i'm pretty sure we'll be able to wade in a lagoon and skate on a pond in the same day :)

this is how to enjoy winter--GET OUTSIDE!

folks think i'm crazy when they see me out for my afternoon walk. yes, it's cold. yes, it's often freezing. but i've got just enough layers on and just enough determination to allow my legs the privilege of pounding pavement.

but i don't have enough life in these eyes to write more.

till later...

so much better

i realize that this could be short lived...if i let it. but regardless, i must document this moment. and as overused a phrase though it be, God is good!!!

i sang like my life depended on it...it often does. music has a way of reaching me more than i think it reaches those i'm there to minister to.

ah. life's still good.

i'm crying

because once again i'm tired of being tired. because i don't feel strong and though feelings only go so far i want mine to be positive. because in about four hours i'll sing for a revelation seminar and i'm not ready. because instead of singing words of encouragement i want to be sung to. because maybe in someone else's words, in someone else's voice, i'll get back that feeling

and i've stopped crying now
because i've taken the time to let these words out
but my head's exploding both from dry eye pain and tears
it's a double hurt
it's a double curse
i'd rather not be reminded
so often
that i'm breakable
that i'm blind

this is what i long for. moments of continuous tapping. letter after letter forming words, phrases, sentences, complete and fragmented. but i don't get enough. and when i do, like now, it's a stolen moment. i feel guilty. i shouldn't be here. i can't afford it. i should be working. i should be resting. i should be rehearsing. i should be praying. i should be somewhere else.

i have no words for guilt
i have no words for many things
i can't even accurately describe this moment. all i've got is "this sucks"....

and on that note, i'm off to walk through this and wave my fist at God. don't worry, He knows it's coming and He's ready to give me a piece of His mind. and i'm almost ready to listen.

thank God for feet.

it's the same

i feel the way i felt with george w. won....the winds of change are upon us! the signs of the times continually show.

glad i couldn't vote....gives me permission to gripe whenever i choose. because, of course, had i been allowed to vote, things would be different.

right.

yeah.

whatever.

it's the same.

i'm still sleep deprived.