i'm tired. i'd like to lay outside and sleep in the wind, soak up the sky. perhaps it'll fit in my pores....perhaps i'll remember it's face, be able to recall it during claustrophobic michigan days. but if nothing more, i'll remember that it made me smile.
that is, perhaps, the most poetic thing i've written in a long while. why did i stop writing poetry again? i have no idea. i was never that good at it. but i enjoyed it, enjoyed calling myself a poet. i think it helped me define myself at a time i needed a definition. c'est la vie n'est pas? from time to time we need definitions....
hello world...define this!
25.4.06
14.4.06
au seminary
oh my oh my oh my
here is yesterday's mass email:
i'm in!
and now i'm sad i don't want to leave here....that may sound crazy but it's true. i should be happy coz i know i'm doing what God wants me to do. but right now, at 1:38 pm, i'm sad.
but on a happy note, let's take a look at the order of how things worked out:
i applied to andrews
i applied for a job at andrews
i applied for a student loan
i got my student loan
i got the job
i got accepted
mysterious ways.....
i start may 15. please keep me in prayer as the next month of my life is bound to be a bit crazy.
what's really cool is that the last three in my list happened on 3 consecutive days. april 11, 12, 13. i really like that part. it's as if God said, "now watch Me as I do some coolness." ta da!
"for i know the plans i think toward you says the LORD, plans to prosper not harm you, to give you an end and a future."
here is yesterday's mass email:
i'm in!
and now i'm sad i don't want to leave here....that may sound crazy but it's true. i should be happy coz i know i'm doing what God wants me to do. but right now, at 1:38 pm, i'm sad.
but on a happy note, let's take a look at the order of how things worked out:
i applied to andrews
i applied for a job at andrews
i applied for a student loan
i got my student loan
i got the job
i got accepted
mysterious ways.....
i start may 15. please keep me in prayer as the next month of my life is bound to be a bit crazy.
what's really cool is that the last three in my list happened on 3 consecutive days. april 11, 12, 13. i really like that part. it's as if God said, "now watch Me as I do some coolness." ta da!
"for i know the plans i think toward you says the LORD, plans to prosper not harm you, to give you an end and a future."
9.4.06
jazzzzzzzzzzzzzz
oh yeah!
i was backed by a jazz band today....so lovely! i've never had this experience, not big band style. i messed up a few times...forgot when to come in. but oh well. folks probably didn't know. and hey, i only practiced with the band twice and one of those times i only practiced one song. so for that little practice time, i'd say this was quite brilliant :)
and from there, a few of us hung out at a friends place. a concert must always be followed by nice chill time with mint tea. ah. yes.
i've done a lot.... A LOT of singing lately. not sure why i haven't talked about it all yet. maybe this week as things have died down. it has all been an amazing time, a time that has reinforced what i already know....i need to do A LOT more singing! and while i'm at it, maybe make some money??
to bed...
i was backed by a jazz band today....so lovely! i've never had this experience, not big band style. i messed up a few times...forgot when to come in. but oh well. folks probably didn't know. and hey, i only practiced with the band twice and one of those times i only practiced one song. so for that little practice time, i'd say this was quite brilliant :)
and from there, a few of us hung out at a friends place. a concert must always be followed by nice chill time with mint tea. ah. yes.
i've done a lot.... A LOT of singing lately. not sure why i haven't talked about it all yet. maybe this week as things have died down. it has all been an amazing time, a time that has reinforced what i already know....i need to do A LOT more singing! and while i'm at it, maybe make some money??
to bed...
27.3.06
filling in blanks
i don't have it all worked out just yet though i wish i did because then i could explain myself better and my experience could be a much more powerful witness...one day.
for now, while it's still pre 10pm, i'll say this: while on the "just a closer walk with Jesus" journey, it's important to not only pay attention to whether or not i'm actively connecting with Him through prayer and bible study but whether or not i'm actively paying attention to people, to immediate needs, and to resting in the everyday joy. examples of everyday joy are:
1. waking up
2. eating food that tastes good
3. cooking food that tastes good
4. having meaningful conversations
5. putting on comfortable clothes that look good
6. thanking God for sales
7. sharing God's blessings
till later...
for now, while it's still pre 10pm, i'll say this: while on the "just a closer walk with Jesus" journey, it's important to not only pay attention to whether or not i'm actively connecting with Him through prayer and bible study but whether or not i'm actively paying attention to people, to immediate needs, and to resting in the everyday joy. examples of everyday joy are:
1. waking up
2. eating food that tastes good
3. cooking food that tastes good
4. having meaningful conversations
5. putting on comfortable clothes that look good
6. thanking God for sales
7. sharing God's blessings
till later...
26.3.06
wear your heels!
today was the best sunday i've had in a very long time. it was just a great day period.
i woke up well rested, though desirous (as usual) of a little more time under the covers. the last two days found me feeling fluish--NOT GOOD! so saturday night i got to sleep earlier than usual and slept soundly and well...the covers hadn't moved much by morning. YAY!
anyway, once i finally got out of bed, showered, had devotions, ate, conditioned my hair (it's happier now) and other things here and there, the time soon came for my departure. departure? to where? to shop!!
let me set up the background for you to facilitate better understanding.
i don't particularly care for shopping. it's not some lovely thing i must do often. more often than not, i go shopping when i NEED something not simply when i WANT something. consequently, my shopping experiences can be a right pain because, more often than not, i don't find what i need very easily. so it's best that i go alone. going with friends or family only makes the experience more frustrating. can we leave yet? are you done yet? blah blah blah.
so i went alone to the metropolis 20 minutes away called red deer. i started at the southern most point planning to work my way all the way north. thankfully, time did not permit me to travel through all shopping areas....i probably would have been tired and faint by the end if i'd made it everywhere.
well, i went with a list in hand. i'd drafted the list before going so as to make my conscious fully aware of what my subconscious had in mind. ha. the list is quite imaginative and lovely. i knew i wouldn't get everything on my list today but i had hopes that a few things would be purchased. and i allowed myself the option of picking up things NOT on my list if, indeed, they fit the general scheme of things. and a lovely pair of flat, pointed, green slingbacks made it in! woohoo!!
yes, this was a really great shopping time. i didn't spend that much money. i actually got quite a few sales...always a bonus! and i left red deer feeling confident that i'd soon get all i need.
need.
such a peculiar word. it's often the result of our dysfunction, our desire to be like/look like/sound like/etc someone else. so we purchase, purchase, purchase. i heard a couple of ladies in the changing room. one was trying on a dress that the other greatly admired. apparently it didn't fit perfectly but for only $25? why not? ha! that's how NOT to shop. that's how you rack up crazy debt. if the dress doesn't fit the way it's meant to fit then unless you're a fabulous seamstress or you know one who won't charge you, leave the dress in the store!
okay, i got off track there.
need.
i'm realizing my need to focus on myself in certain areas. today reminded me of that when i slipped on my brown heels, shoes i haven't worn since probably july or so, shoes that remind me to look the way i enjoy looking. i enjoy good, clean lines and warm textures. i enjoy comfortable heals. i enjoy material that fits well and flows well. so why aren't i wearing those clothes more often? why do i reserve them for church or weddings or other "dress up" occasions? just because i don't have a 9-5 in the corporate world doesn't mean that jeans and a sweatshirt should be as good as it gets! why have i let myself go? did i ever have myself? have i ever been a consistent dressor? i don't know. nevertheless, it's time to take things up a notch...not so that i get flanked with compliments but it's amazing how a pair of heels (or anything that's truly you) can step things up mentally. seemingly all of a sudden, i'm about business again...and not just while i'm in the heels but after they're off and the sweatpants are back.
it's the process. i had hair issues. i talked them over with a friend. the friend diagnosed the problem as spiritual. i'll admit, i didn't believe that at first. but i allowed myself to process the possibility. could my God connection really be so jacked up that now my hair is an issue? yes. but it didn't happen overnight. i didn't wake up and suddenly have a hair issue. it resulted from years of misguided value judgments, faulty conclusions, unfortunate perceptions. and not just my hair because my hair affected my entire being. so from the top down, i had become detached from God's will for me in some very significant ways, ways i didn't think had any spiritual connection. hair? how can hair mess with spiritual wholeness? oh trust me! it can. it did. i hope it doesn't any longer. heels? oh yes! let's just say that when you pray for something and when that prayer is from a real desire, keep the prayer! don't get rid of the prayer just because it's not a matter of life and death. i know...i'm being a little vague here but trust me when i say that heels are significant, really really significant. i must keep my heels and i must wear my heels.
let me just state, however, that i'm not advocating shopping as pain medicine. shopping has been, for me, the result of growth. God actually doesn't mind if i look good. hmmmm, what a concept. (yeah, i've got issues)
when an organization is having troubles, we do our analysis from the top down. the same is true for ourselves. when we've hit a rough patch, we can't automatically run to the store, spend some cash and expect to feel better. first we check the head...not the hair...the brain. what's not functioning right? what thoughts are interfering with growth? as we ask and answer, we move from the head and work our way down. we may not have to hit on every single body part...in fact, we may go from head to hair to heels...that's how it happened for me. but whatever the process, we must start at the top.
who's in charge at the top? me or God? and if He's truly Lord of my life, am i trusting Him in that position? am i listening? am i responding honestly? am i dealing with my dysfunction or am i simply medicating pain? ah, there's so much to write but i need to sleep. perhaps this should become a book. i think so. it'll be about how we have the power to create a false sense of wholeness through the very things we don't think have that much power.
anway....do i have it all together now? nope! i'm still suffering from growing pains. but i'm seeing a lot of light now. my thoughts are better connected to what God wants me to do and where, and how, etc. and now i'm not so caught up in making my hair a symbol. instead, i'm just allowing it to grow. and i'm realizing that just like love should be expressed, good heals should be worn!
oh yes. today has been a very good day. : )
i woke up well rested, though desirous (as usual) of a little more time under the covers. the last two days found me feeling fluish--NOT GOOD! so saturday night i got to sleep earlier than usual and slept soundly and well...the covers hadn't moved much by morning. YAY!
anyway, once i finally got out of bed, showered, had devotions, ate, conditioned my hair (it's happier now) and other things here and there, the time soon came for my departure. departure? to where? to shop!!
let me set up the background for you to facilitate better understanding.
i don't particularly care for shopping. it's not some lovely thing i must do often. more often than not, i go shopping when i NEED something not simply when i WANT something. consequently, my shopping experiences can be a right pain because, more often than not, i don't find what i need very easily. so it's best that i go alone. going with friends or family only makes the experience more frustrating. can we leave yet? are you done yet? blah blah blah.
so i went alone to the metropolis 20 minutes away called red deer. i started at the southern most point planning to work my way all the way north. thankfully, time did not permit me to travel through all shopping areas....i probably would have been tired and faint by the end if i'd made it everywhere.
well, i went with a list in hand. i'd drafted the list before going so as to make my conscious fully aware of what my subconscious had in mind. ha. the list is quite imaginative and lovely. i knew i wouldn't get everything on my list today but i had hopes that a few things would be purchased. and i allowed myself the option of picking up things NOT on my list if, indeed, they fit the general scheme of things. and a lovely pair of flat, pointed, green slingbacks made it in! woohoo!!
yes, this was a really great shopping time. i didn't spend that much money. i actually got quite a few sales...always a bonus! and i left red deer feeling confident that i'd soon get all i need.
need.
such a peculiar word. it's often the result of our dysfunction, our desire to be like/look like/sound like/etc someone else. so we purchase, purchase, purchase. i heard a couple of ladies in the changing room. one was trying on a dress that the other greatly admired. apparently it didn't fit perfectly but for only $25? why not? ha! that's how NOT to shop. that's how you rack up crazy debt. if the dress doesn't fit the way it's meant to fit then unless you're a fabulous seamstress or you know one who won't charge you, leave the dress in the store!
okay, i got off track there.
need.
i'm realizing my need to focus on myself in certain areas. today reminded me of that when i slipped on my brown heels, shoes i haven't worn since probably july or so, shoes that remind me to look the way i enjoy looking. i enjoy good, clean lines and warm textures. i enjoy comfortable heals. i enjoy material that fits well and flows well. so why aren't i wearing those clothes more often? why do i reserve them for church or weddings or other "dress up" occasions? just because i don't have a 9-5 in the corporate world doesn't mean that jeans and a sweatshirt should be as good as it gets! why have i let myself go? did i ever have myself? have i ever been a consistent dressor? i don't know. nevertheless, it's time to take things up a notch...not so that i get flanked with compliments but it's amazing how a pair of heels (or anything that's truly you) can step things up mentally. seemingly all of a sudden, i'm about business again...and not just while i'm in the heels but after they're off and the sweatpants are back.
it's the process. i had hair issues. i talked them over with a friend. the friend diagnosed the problem as spiritual. i'll admit, i didn't believe that at first. but i allowed myself to process the possibility. could my God connection really be so jacked up that now my hair is an issue? yes. but it didn't happen overnight. i didn't wake up and suddenly have a hair issue. it resulted from years of misguided value judgments, faulty conclusions, unfortunate perceptions. and not just my hair because my hair affected my entire being. so from the top down, i had become detached from God's will for me in some very significant ways, ways i didn't think had any spiritual connection. hair? how can hair mess with spiritual wholeness? oh trust me! it can. it did. i hope it doesn't any longer. heels? oh yes! let's just say that when you pray for something and when that prayer is from a real desire, keep the prayer! don't get rid of the prayer just because it's not a matter of life and death. i know...i'm being a little vague here but trust me when i say that heels are significant, really really significant. i must keep my heels and i must wear my heels.
let me just state, however, that i'm not advocating shopping as pain medicine. shopping has been, for me, the result of growth. God actually doesn't mind if i look good. hmmmm, what a concept. (yeah, i've got issues)
when an organization is having troubles, we do our analysis from the top down. the same is true for ourselves. when we've hit a rough patch, we can't automatically run to the store, spend some cash and expect to feel better. first we check the head...not the hair...the brain. what's not functioning right? what thoughts are interfering with growth? as we ask and answer, we move from the head and work our way down. we may not have to hit on every single body part...in fact, we may go from head to hair to heels...that's how it happened for me. but whatever the process, we must start at the top.
who's in charge at the top? me or God? and if He's truly Lord of my life, am i trusting Him in that position? am i listening? am i responding honestly? am i dealing with my dysfunction or am i simply medicating pain? ah, there's so much to write but i need to sleep. perhaps this should become a book. i think so. it'll be about how we have the power to create a false sense of wholeness through the very things we don't think have that much power.
anway....do i have it all together now? nope! i'm still suffering from growing pains. but i'm seeing a lot of light now. my thoughts are better connected to what God wants me to do and where, and how, etc. and now i'm not so caught up in making my hair a symbol. instead, i'm just allowing it to grow. and i'm realizing that just like love should be expressed, good heals should be worn!
oh yes. today has been a very good day. : )
23.3.06
moving.on.
i've been learning a lot, A LOT, of lessons lately. the growing pains absolutely stink but i'm thankful God has patience. the lessons are:
i should not allow my hair to mess up my subconscious and therefore control (limit) my behaviour unnecessarily
i should welcome the sense of urgency to live a life that pleases the Lord
i should put my immediate and extended family first as i witness
i should not use "tough luck" as a way to dismiss self improvement
i should be more in touch with my emotions
i should learn to cook well
i should not look at the world through boxing gloves...not everything's a fight
i should often shut up and really, really listen
i should not use silence as the measure of a man
i should often take the advice i give
okay, i'm going to stop there. coz i've also learned that i should go to bed by 10pm.
i should not allow my hair to mess up my subconscious and therefore control (limit) my behaviour unnecessarily
i should welcome the sense of urgency to live a life that pleases the Lord
i should put my immediate and extended family first as i witness
i should not use "tough luck" as a way to dismiss self improvement
i should be more in touch with my emotions
i should learn to cook well
i should not look at the world through boxing gloves...not everything's a fight
i should often shut up and really, really listen
i should not use silence as the measure of a man
i should often take the advice i give
okay, i'm going to stop there. coz i've also learned that i should go to bed by 10pm.
14.3.06
strange happiness
today i didn't get much work done because i was frustrated with a couple of things...my hair was one of those things. i made the executive decision to stop wasting time working (i really wasn't accomplishing anything) and tackle my frustrations. so i did. and praise the Lord! victory!! well, not completely. but i'm definitely on the path to recovery.
i know, recovery is such a big word...you'd think i'd been on drugs or something. but perhaps some effective parallels can be drawn here. any addiction has major consequences and what i'm realizing more and more is how much i've allowed my hair to be an addiction. i'm addicted to making sure it's not status quo. i'm addicted to making sure my hair is a symbol of rebellion against mainstream beauty standards. i'm addicted to.....and i'm sure i could add some more.
what i thought was a simple desire to care for my hair is soooooooooo much more, all of which i don't have time to get into at the moment. i'll end by saying this: i can't continue to allow my hair to define me the way it has....as some sort of poster child/adult for natural strength, beauty, and a "real" sense of self. the last time i was this frustrated with my hair, i cut it off. that was 1998 and i was part of a radical natural hair movement among black girls at my school (even though i'd never had a relaxer. somehow my short fro gave women with relaxed hair encouragement to "go for the gold"....yeah, i thought naturalhood was gold. now i understand it to be simply another hair style. anyway...)
i'm loving this day, these strides. now i must sleep, get physical strength for tomorrow, rest my emotions from the rollercoaster.
thank you Jesus!
i know, recovery is such a big word...you'd think i'd been on drugs or something. but perhaps some effective parallels can be drawn here. any addiction has major consequences and what i'm realizing more and more is how much i've allowed my hair to be an addiction. i'm addicted to making sure it's not status quo. i'm addicted to making sure my hair is a symbol of rebellion against mainstream beauty standards. i'm addicted to.....and i'm sure i could add some more.
what i thought was a simple desire to care for my hair is soooooooooo much more, all of which i don't have time to get into at the moment. i'll end by saying this: i can't continue to allow my hair to define me the way it has....as some sort of poster child/adult for natural strength, beauty, and a "real" sense of self. the last time i was this frustrated with my hair, i cut it off. that was 1998 and i was part of a radical natural hair movement among black girls at my school (even though i'd never had a relaxer. somehow my short fro gave women with relaxed hair encouragement to "go for the gold"....yeah, i thought naturalhood was gold. now i understand it to be simply another hair style. anyway...)
i'm loving this day, these strides. now i must sleep, get physical strength for tomorrow, rest my emotions from the rollercoaster.
thank you Jesus!
6.3.06
hair
it's helping me see my need for Jesus. yes, to some of you that's really really strange. but it's real.
baby steps.
2.3.06
body.shape.size
a highly profound thought just crossed my mind, one i'm sure you're dying to read! so here you go....
it's nice to live in a region of north america in which shapely white women reside. and i'm not talking about 50 yr old white women who've "let themselves go"....no, i'm talking about 25, 28, 33 yr olds who exercise, eat well, sleep well, and wake up shapely and confident.
it's nice because it has relaxed me subconsciously. i've never been obsessed about whether or not my body is the shape and size of models or celebs. but i've had my share of body concern, not wanting to be skinny but being afraid to be too much more than lean. i've known for years that my ideas of beauty are more often than not socially constructed. i've known that the typical white, blonde, blue-eyed, model size female has been the standard i'll never be able to rise to and shouldn't have to. i'm quite alright being black-skinned, black-haired, brown-eyed, etc....my hair has long been the one thing that's set me apart from women both white and black.
but with all this knowledge, it's not till now that i'm most comfortable being me, not until my environment's changed to not reflect city strutters. and because i'm not in school, i'm not bombarded by wannabe, mimicky, insecure, false-representations-of self-via-fashion chicks...well, not usually.
all that is to say this: it's a shame that i'm still being defined by what i'm not. it has taken the presence of white shapely girls to make me feel comfortable in my black shapely skin....maybe one day i'll just be me, comfortably me....
it's nice to live in a region of north america in which shapely white women reside. and i'm not talking about 50 yr old white women who've "let themselves go"....no, i'm talking about 25, 28, 33 yr olds who exercise, eat well, sleep well, and wake up shapely and confident.
it's nice because it has relaxed me subconsciously. i've never been obsessed about whether or not my body is the shape and size of models or celebs. but i've had my share of body concern, not wanting to be skinny but being afraid to be too much more than lean. i've known for years that my ideas of beauty are more often than not socially constructed. i've known that the typical white, blonde, blue-eyed, model size female has been the standard i'll never be able to rise to and shouldn't have to. i'm quite alright being black-skinned, black-haired, brown-eyed, etc....my hair has long been the one thing that's set me apart from women both white and black.
but with all this knowledge, it's not till now that i'm most comfortable being me, not until my environment's changed to not reflect city strutters. and because i'm not in school, i'm not bombarded by wannabe, mimicky, insecure, false-representations-of self-via-fashion chicks...well, not usually.
all that is to say this: it's a shame that i'm still being defined by what i'm not. it has taken the presence of white shapely girls to make me feel comfortable in my black shapely skin....maybe one day i'll just be me, comfortably me....
22.2.06
the day after
so last night was chill and a lot of fun. i've decided that mid-week parties are the way to go...why not? it seems there's never enough time with friends. you make time over the weekend, you run into each other in the store, you chat on the phone, you "im," you check up on each other via others....still, not enough time. but anyway, 27 is STILL good. thanks to wonderful family and friends, i had a lovely party with poppy seed lemon cake! forgot to make a wish...oh well...it's probably better that way : )
i also got great gifts...my friends are sooooooooo creative and fun! but it was the gift of time that mattered to me most. and these are some of the
crazies i spent my time with last night. hee hee....nothin but love, nothin but love! can you believe i hang out with them? wow? miracles still happen. hahaand now, to prove that miracles still happen, we have snow, serious snow. honestly! we haven't had much yet this winter. the poor farmers may now breathe some relief. i have yet to frolic in it....maybe later on.
well, since i'm older now, let me make a list of things to look forward to: 1. STOMP this weekend, 2. getting my book published, 3. .....okay, this is harder than i thought. there are things to look forward to....i'm just a bit sleep deprived, you know, the usual...
till later....
20.2.06
ah.
watched "hoosiers" tonight.
such a lovely movie. it's a strange relief when you watch something that has no bad language, no sex, no hints at something nasty or unnecessary....just clean, healthy, fun.
tomorrow's my birthday.
yay!
what other unrelated thought can i throw in here?
i bought hockey skates!
yay!
such a lovely movie. it's a strange relief when you watch something that has no bad language, no sex, no hints at something nasty or unnecessary....just clean, healthy, fun.
tomorrow's my birthday.
yay!
what other unrelated thought can i throw in here?
i bought hockey skates!
yay!
31.1.06
it's been a year
since i've been blogging. lovely.
it's official....
"lovely" is one of my favourite words.
yum.
okay....must walk and sing and talk and smile.
it's official....
"lovely" is one of my favourite words.
yum.
okay....must walk and sing and talk and smile.
29.1.06
skaaaaaaaating
lovely!!!! (no, that's not where i skated)
skating is enough like rollerblading that it wasn't hard. (it was my second time on the ice. the first time was about 7 years ago!) and the ice was smooth enough and the night was warm yet cold enough. and the sky was dark enough. and the pond was big enough. and the fire was warm enough. and the friends were enough.
it was a little piece of....yes....heaven. i'm pretty sure we'll be able to wade in a lagoon and skate on a pond in the same day :)
this is how to enjoy winter--GET OUTSIDE!
folks think i'm crazy when they see me out for my afternoon walk. yes, it's cold. yes, it's often freezing. but i've got just enough layers on and just enough determination to allow my legs the privilege of pounding pavement.
but i don't have enough life in these eyes to write more.
till later...
25.1.06
so much better
i realize that this could be short lived...if i let it. but regardless, i must document this moment. and as overused a phrase though it be, God is good!!!
i sang like my life depended on it...it often does. music has a way of reaching me more than i think it reaches those i'm there to minister to.
ah. life's still good.
i sang like my life depended on it...it often does. music has a way of reaching me more than i think it reaches those i'm there to minister to.
ah. life's still good.
24.1.06
i'm crying
because once again i'm tired of being tired. because i don't feel strong and though feelings only go so far i want mine to be positive. because in about four hours i'll sing for a revelation seminar and i'm not ready. because instead of singing words of encouragement i want to be sung to. because maybe in someone else's words, in someone else's voice, i'll get back that feeling
and i've stopped crying now
because i've taken the time to let these words out
but my head's exploding both from dry eye pain and tears
it's a double hurt
it's a double curse
i'd rather not be reminded
so often
that i'm breakable
that i'm blind
this is what i long for. moments of continuous tapping. letter after letter forming words, phrases, sentences, complete and fragmented. but i don't get enough. and when i do, like now, it's a stolen moment. i feel guilty. i shouldn't be here. i can't afford it. i should be working. i should be resting. i should be rehearsing. i should be praying. i should be somewhere else.
i have no words for guilt
i have no words for many things
i can't even accurately describe this moment. all i've got is "this sucks"....
and on that note, i'm off to walk through this and wave my fist at God. don't worry, He knows it's coming and He's ready to give me a piece of His mind. and i'm almost ready to listen.
thank God for feet.
and i've stopped crying now
because i've taken the time to let these words out
but my head's exploding both from dry eye pain and tears
it's a double hurt
it's a double curse
i'd rather not be reminded
so often
that i'm breakable
that i'm blind
this is what i long for. moments of continuous tapping. letter after letter forming words, phrases, sentences, complete and fragmented. but i don't get enough. and when i do, like now, it's a stolen moment. i feel guilty. i shouldn't be here. i can't afford it. i should be working. i should be resting. i should be rehearsing. i should be praying. i should be somewhere else.
i have no words for guilt
i have no words for many things
i can't even accurately describe this moment. all i've got is "this sucks"....
and on that note, i'm off to walk through this and wave my fist at God. don't worry, He knows it's coming and He's ready to give me a piece of His mind. and i'm almost ready to listen.
thank God for feet.
23.1.06
it's the same
i feel the way i felt with george w. won....the winds of change are upon us! the signs of the times continually show.
glad i couldn't vote....gives me permission to gripe whenever i choose. because, of course, had i been allowed to vote, things would be different.
right.
yeah.
whatever.
it's the same.
i'm still sleep deprived.
glad i couldn't vote....gives me permission to gripe whenever i choose. because, of course, had i been allowed to vote, things would be different.
right.
yeah.
whatever.
it's the same.
i'm still sleep deprived.
12.1.06
not enough, not enough
i've desired this moment for days. and for days i've either had much to do or have lacked the sense to schedule this in making it nothing more than a passing thought.
ah. sadness.
and no, i didn't schedule it in today and i don't have a moment to spare really. i'm stealing from other responsibilities.
is this a responsibility? yes, even if only for my sanity.
(i'm feeling melodramatic)
good day world. wish i had more time to greet you. let us not be mere strangers for much longer.
okay, i'm tired. and i've got to go.
till later...may better words find me then...
ah. sadness.
and no, i didn't schedule it in today and i don't have a moment to spare really. i'm stealing from other responsibilities.
is this a responsibility? yes, even if only for my sanity.
(i'm feeling melodramatic)
good day world. wish i had more time to greet you. let us not be mere strangers for much longer.
okay, i'm tired. and i've got to go.
till later...may better words find me then...
25.12.05
ah, food
I must confess...I've been a Scrooge...
For the first time, the entire season could come and go and I wouldn't mind. (Some of you know how I've been "bah humbugging" Christmas music and I make no apologies coz so much of it truly stinks.) And I've concluded that my lack of enthusiasm is all because this is the first time in my life that Christmas isn't a big break from something such as school or work or some major stress factor. When I realized that, I realized that for many years, I've been caught up in the gift giving (not a bad thing necessarily) and the vegetating (also not necessarily a bad thing) but I've lost the focus on Jesus. (Don't worry, I don't wish to dive into all the brouhaha�love that word�concerning the Conservative Christians and their war on commercialism, etc.)
Yesterday, my pastor said some things that helped me figure out what to do with my Scroogeness. He preached on having the "mind of Christ" and asking ourselves how Christmas will change our tomorrows. He said that we've got to live as if we believe that our world is in need of a Savior. I'm presently clutching those concepts, taking seriously the notion that this season often passes with nothing more than an extra few pounds gained and a lot of money spent. But Jesus was born so that whether or not I sing Christmas songs, I have the opportunity to be reborn. THAT is beautiful reality, one I wish to spend more time pondering and allowing to impact my existence.
Today is a lovely day, not because of the great food I anticipate (my dad's going to make fried dumplings and I'm baking a few apple cobblers to give away...YUMMY), but because I've finally realized what matters most. It's meaningful to me, it's life changing for me.
Merry Christmas everyone and Happy New Year! I pray that you take in all the blessings of today and the days to come. Thanks for being part of my world J
Love you,
Michaela L.
16.12.05
question
when someone asks how are you? are you required to answer truthfully?
i've often responded in truth but haven't been heard. the words i'm sick seem to translate into i'm fine. and are responded to with good, good. and a part of me hopes that the guilty party doesn't see the disdain within me that's most likely now written on my face. and another part of me wishes for the guilty party's quick disappearance. how dare you ask and not listen?
but then there's the other scenario.
i've had a rough day that i'd rather not talk about. someone asks how i'm doing. i answer based on the tiny bit of optimism that found its way into my life despite the frustration and pain during the 10 hours i've been awake. am i still being honest by only spouting that tiny optimism?
i take pride in my honesty. over the last several months, i've discovered how freeing it is to not only tell the truth but to admit the truth and not run from the truth even if the truth stings. but it's obviously not always an easy thing. i just didn't think something as simple as a how are you would trip me up, would start my mind running.
answers are often hard to come by. resting in a state of unknowns, i bury my head and cry. but hope comes in moments. i take hold of each and know one thing -- i will be fine.
i've often responded in truth but haven't been heard. the words i'm sick seem to translate into i'm fine. and are responded to with good, good. and a part of me hopes that the guilty party doesn't see the disdain within me that's most likely now written on my face. and another part of me wishes for the guilty party's quick disappearance. how dare you ask and not listen?
but then there's the other scenario.
i've had a rough day that i'd rather not talk about. someone asks how i'm doing. i answer based on the tiny bit of optimism that found its way into my life despite the frustration and pain during the 10 hours i've been awake. am i still being honest by only spouting that tiny optimism?
i take pride in my honesty. over the last several months, i've discovered how freeing it is to not only tell the truth but to admit the truth and not run from the truth even if the truth stings. but it's obviously not always an easy thing. i just didn't think something as simple as a how are you would trip me up, would start my mind running.
answers are often hard to come by. resting in a state of unknowns, i bury my head and cry. but hope comes in moments. i take hold of each and know one thing -- i will be fine.