and it's go girls go!

this stuff ain't no joke! 2 classes and i'm worn out. haven't even read. began work today. now i'm off to sleep. i'll wake up early and read. it'll be quite the adventure. it's amazing to have so much to do and yet know it'll all get done!

one step at a time.... : )

i had a great chat with two girls today. one's in seminary. one's doing a religion BA. both were such great sources of encouragement. the Lord knew i needed that. this journey is already amazing, filled with good and bad. faith is key!!!!!!!!!!!!

till later...

cemetery....i mean, seminary! hehe

the hours continue to fly. tomorrow i'll have my first two classes, one of which i've heard will kick my butt! but i'm fine with that. if it's tough but good, i'm up for it! i'm sure i'll have much to say on class toughness, student-teacher relations, student-student relations, etc. we had new seminary student orientation this morning. how dare they make us sit for 3 1/2 hours and not feed us! orange juice is not, NOT, food. they probably had food at the international student orientation but apparently that one is usually boring for anyone from north america.

anyway...the sun is finally out so i plan to do some rollerblading. it was my plan to do that as soon as i stepped on the campus thursday night. but it was raining and i was tired anyway. and it just keeps on raining. so i'm going to do some blading before the sky changes its mind.

it's very very green here. it almost (almost) makes up for the grey skies. i wish i had a digital camera. i'd show you pics of my apartment. it's rather cute. as time goes on, i'll do some decorating, really give it a homier feel. i like having to cook...well, that's what i say now. it's only sunday, after all...but it forces me to use my time better. i went into the cafeteria on friday to get a snack before heading out to buy groceries. i looked at the food and wondered how in the world i ever ate it six years ago! i bought a banana, thinking it would be a wonderful stomach pleaser...it was, by far, one of the worst bananas i've ever had. where are the bananas we eat in alberta from? banana land? even the bananas i bought aren't treating me right. they may all be allowed to turn brown and end up in the freezer for future banana bread!

i'm so thankful the campus isn't huge! i can walk 5 minutes to class, 2 minutes to church, etc. and i'm actually glad that i don't have my own computer at the moment because i need to take time to get everything else sorted out. still have a bit of unpacking and cleaning to do. that's what the rest of today is for!

what's fun about being here? it's actually fun to hear, "oh, you're dr. lawrence's daughter!" and see the looks on ppls faces. there's the "pleased to know you" look and the "i don't know how i feel about this" look. there's also the "i think you're royalty" look. i'm sure i'll get more as the days roll on. i don't plan to abuse my connections. i plan to continue having fun! with all the stress of school and work, i'll NEED as much fun as i can. why not start now?!

what's the best thing about being here? so far, it's knowing that i'm supposed to be here! praise the Lord!

till later...

hello world

i'm tired. i'd like to lay outside and sleep in the wind, soak up the sky. perhaps it'll fit in my pores....perhaps i'll remember it's face, be able to recall it during claustrophobic michigan days. but if nothing more, i'll remember that it made me smile.

that is, perhaps, the most poetic thing i've written in a long while. why did i stop writing poetry again? i have no idea. i was never that good at it. but i enjoyed it, enjoyed calling myself a poet. i think it helped me define myself at a time i needed a definition. c'est la vie n'est pas? from time to time we need definitions....

hello world...define this!

au seminary

oh my oh my oh my

here is yesterday's mass email:

i'm in!

and now i'm sad i don't want to leave here....that may sound crazy but it's true. i should be happy coz i know i'm doing what God wants me to do. but right now, at 1:38 pm, i'm sad.

but on a happy note, let's take a look at the order of how things worked out:

i applied to andrews
i applied for a job at andrews
i applied for a student loan
i got my student loan
i got the job
i got accepted

mysterious ways.....

i start may 15. please keep me in prayer as the next month of my life is bound to be a bit crazy.

what's really cool is that the last three in my list happened on 3 consecutive days. april 11, 12, 13. i really like that part. it's as if God said, "now watch Me as I do some coolness." ta da!

"for i know the plans i think toward you says the LORD, plans to prosper not harm you, to give you an end and a future."

jazzzzzzzzzzzzzz

oh yeah!

i was backed by a jazz band today....so lovely! i've never had this experience, not big band style. i messed up a few times...forgot when to come in. but oh well. folks probably didn't know. and hey, i only practiced with the band twice and one of those times i only practiced one song. so for that little practice time, i'd say this was quite brilliant :)

and from there, a few of us hung out at a friends place. a concert must always be followed by nice chill time with mint tea. ah. yes.

i've done a lot.... A LOT of singing lately. not sure why i haven't talked about it all yet. maybe this week as things have died down. it has all been an amazing time, a time that has reinforced what i already know....i need to do A LOT more singing! and while i'm at it, maybe make some money??

to bed...

filling in blanks

i don't have it all worked out just yet though i wish i did because then i could explain myself better and my experience could be a much more powerful witness...one day.

for now, while it's still pre 10pm, i'll say this: while on the "just a closer walk with Jesus" journey, it's important to not only pay attention to whether or not i'm actively connecting with Him through prayer and bible study but whether or not i'm actively paying attention to people, to immediate needs, and to resting in the everyday joy. examples of everyday joy are:

1. waking up
2. eating food that tastes good
3. cooking food that tastes good
4. having meaningful conversations
5. putting on comfortable clothes that look good
6. thanking God for sales
7. sharing God's blessings

till later...

wear your heels!

today was the best sunday i've had in a very long time. it was just a great day period.

i woke up well rested, though desirous (as usual) of a little more time under the covers. the last two days found me feeling fluish--NOT GOOD! so saturday night i got to sleep earlier than usual and slept soundly and well...the covers hadn't moved much by morning. YAY!

anyway, once i finally got out of bed, showered, had devotions, ate, conditioned my hair (it's happier now) and other things here and there, the time soon came for my departure. departure? to where? to shop!!

let me set up the background for you to facilitate better understanding.

i don't particularly care for shopping. it's not some lovely thing i must do often. more often than not, i go shopping when i NEED something not simply when i WANT something. consequently, my shopping experiences can be a right pain because, more often than not, i don't find what i need very easily. so it's best that i go alone. going with friends or family only makes the experience more frustrating. can we leave yet? are you done yet? blah blah blah.

so i went alone to the metropolis 20 minutes away called red deer. i started at the southern most point planning to work my way all the way north. thankfully, time did not permit me to travel through all shopping areas....i probably would have been tired and faint by the end if i'd made it everywhere.

well, i went with a list in hand. i'd drafted the list before going so as to make my conscious fully aware of what my subconscious had in mind. ha. the list is quite imaginative and lovely. i knew i wouldn't get everything on my list today but i had hopes that a few things would be purchased. and i allowed myself the option of picking up things NOT on my list if, indeed, they fit the general scheme of things. and a lovely pair of flat, pointed, green slingbacks made it in! woohoo!!

yes, this was a really great shopping time. i didn't spend that much money. i actually got quite a few sales...always a bonus! and i left red deer feeling confident that i'd soon get all i need.

need.

such a peculiar word. it's often the result of our dysfunction, our desire to be like/look like/sound like/etc someone else. so we purchase, purchase, purchase. i heard a couple of ladies in the changing room. one was trying on a dress that the other greatly admired. apparently it didn't fit perfectly but for only $25? why not? ha! that's how NOT to shop. that's how you rack up crazy debt. if the dress doesn't fit the way it's meant to fit then unless you're a fabulous seamstress or you know one who won't charge you, leave the dress in the store!

okay, i got off track there.

need.

i'm realizing my need to focus on myself in certain areas. today reminded me of that when i slipped on my brown heels, shoes i haven't worn since probably july or so, shoes that remind me to look the way i enjoy looking. i enjoy good, clean lines and warm textures. i enjoy comfortable heals. i enjoy material that fits well and flows well. so why aren't i wearing those clothes more often? why do i reserve them for church or weddings or other "dress up" occasions? just because i don't have a 9-5 in the corporate world doesn't mean that jeans and a sweatshirt should be as good as it gets! why have i let myself go? did i ever have myself? have i ever been a consistent dressor? i don't know. nevertheless, it's time to take things up a notch...not so that i get flanked with compliments but it's amazing how a pair of heels (or anything that's truly you) can step things up mentally. seemingly all of a sudden, i'm about business again...and not just while i'm in the heels but after they're off and the sweatpants are back.

it's the process. i had hair issues. i talked them over with a friend. the friend diagnosed the problem as spiritual. i'll admit, i didn't believe that at first. but i allowed myself to process the possibility. could my God connection really be so jacked up that now my hair is an issue? yes. but it didn't happen overnight. i didn't wake up and suddenly have a hair issue. it resulted from years of misguided value judgments, faulty conclusions, unfortunate perceptions. and not just my hair because my hair affected my entire being. so from the top down, i had become detached from God's will for me in some very significant ways, ways i didn't think had any spiritual connection. hair? how can hair mess with spiritual wholeness? oh trust me! it can. it did. i hope it doesn't any longer. heels? oh yes! let's just say that when you pray for something and when that prayer is from a real desire, keep the prayer! don't get rid of the prayer just because it's not a matter of life and death. i know...i'm being a little vague here but trust me when i say that heels are significant, really really significant. i must keep my heels and i must wear my heels.

let me just state, however, that i'm not advocating shopping as pain medicine. shopping has been, for me, the result of growth. God actually doesn't mind if i look good. hmmmm, what a concept. (yeah, i've got issues)

when an organization is having troubles, we do our analysis from the top down. the same is true for ourselves. when we've hit a rough patch, we can't automatically run to the store, spend some cash and expect to feel better. first we check the head...not the hair...the brain. what's not functioning right? what thoughts are interfering with growth? as we ask and answer, we move from the head and work our way down. we may not have to hit on every single body part...in fact, we may go from head to hair to heels...that's how it happened for me. but whatever the process, we must start at the top.

who's in charge at the top? me or God? and if He's truly Lord of my life, am i trusting Him in that position? am i listening? am i responding honestly? am i dealing with my dysfunction or am i simply medicating pain? ah, there's so much to write but i need to sleep. perhaps this should become a book. i think so. it'll be about how we have the power to create a false sense of wholeness through the very things we don't think have that much power.

anway....do i have it all together now? nope! i'm still suffering from growing pains. but i'm seeing a lot of light now. my thoughts are better connected to what God wants me to do and where, and how, etc. and now i'm not so caught up in making my hair a symbol. instead, i'm just allowing it to grow. and i'm realizing that just like love should be expressed, good heals should be worn!

oh yes. today has been a very good day. : )

moving.on.

i've been learning a lot, A LOT, of lessons lately. the growing pains absolutely stink but i'm thankful God has patience. the lessons are:

i should not allow my hair to mess up my subconscious and therefore control (limit) my behaviour unnecessarily
i should welcome the sense of urgency to live a life that pleases the Lord
i should put my immediate and extended family first as i witness
i should not use "tough luck" as a way to dismiss self improvement
i should be more in touch with my emotions
i should learn to cook well
i should not look at the world through boxing gloves...not everything's a fight
i should often shut up and really, really listen
i should not use silence as the measure of a man
i should often take the advice i give

okay, i'm going to stop there. coz i've also learned that i should go to bed by 10pm.

strange happiness

today i didn't get much work done because i was frustrated with a couple of things...my hair was one of those things. i made the executive decision to stop wasting time working (i really wasn't accomplishing anything) and tackle my frustrations. so i did. and praise the Lord! victory!! well, not completely. but i'm definitely on the path to recovery.

i know, recovery is such a big word...you'd think i'd been on drugs or something. but perhaps some effective parallels can be drawn here. any addiction has major consequences and what i'm realizing more and more is how much i've allowed my hair to be an addiction. i'm addicted to making sure it's not status quo. i'm addicted to making sure my hair is a symbol of rebellion against mainstream beauty standards. i'm addicted to.....and i'm sure i could add some more.

what i thought was a simple desire to care for my hair is soooooooooo much more, all of which i don't have time to get into at the moment. i'll end by saying this: i can't continue to allow my hair to define me the way it has....as some sort of poster child/adult for natural strength, beauty, and a "real" sense of self. the last time i was this frustrated with my hair, i cut it off. that was 1998 and i was part of a radical natural hair movement among black girls at my school (even though i'd never had a relaxer. somehow my short fro gave women with relaxed hair encouragement to "go for the gold"....yeah, i thought naturalhood was gold. now i understand it to be simply another hair style. anyway...)

i'm loving this day, these strides. now i must sleep, get physical strength for tomorrow, rest my emotions from the rollercoaster.

thank you Jesus!

hair

it's helping me see my need for Jesus. yes, to some of you that's really really strange. but it's real.

baby steps.

body.shape.size

a highly profound thought just crossed my mind, one i'm sure you're dying to read! so here you go....

it's nice to live in a region of north america in which shapely white women reside. and i'm not talking about 50 yr old white women who've "let themselves go"....no, i'm talking about 25, 28, 33 yr olds who exercise, eat well, sleep well, and wake up shapely and confident.

it's nice because it has relaxed me subconsciously. i've never been obsessed about whether or not my body is the shape and size of models or celebs. but i've had my share of body concern, not wanting to be skinny but being afraid to be too much more than lean. i've known for years that my ideas of beauty are more often than not socially constructed. i've known that the typical white, blonde, blue-eyed, model size female has been the standard i'll never be able to rise to and shouldn't have to. i'm quite alright being black-skinned, black-haired, brown-eyed, etc....my hair has long been the one thing that's set me apart from women both white and black.

but with all this knowledge, it's not till now that i'm most comfortable being me, not until my environment's changed to not reflect city strutters. and because i'm not in school, i'm not bombarded by wannabe, mimicky, insecure, false-representations-of self-via-fashion chicks...well, not usually.

all that is to say this: it's a shame that i'm still being defined by what i'm not. it has taken the presence of white shapely girls to make me feel comfortable in my black shapely skin....maybe one day i'll just be me, comfortably me....

the day after

so last night was chill and a lot of fun. i've decided that mid-week parties are the way to go...why not? it seems there's never enough time with friends. you make time over the weekend, you run into each other in the store, you chat on the phone, you "im," you check up on each other via others....still, not enough time. but anyway, 27 is STILL good. thanks to wonderful family and friends, i had a lovely party with poppy seed lemon cake! forgot to make a wish...oh well...it's probably better that way : )

i also got great gifts...my friends are sooooooooo creative and fun! but it was the gift of time that mattered to me most. and these are some of the crazies i spent my time with last night. hee hee....nothin but love, nothin but love! can you believe i hang out with them? wow? miracles still happen. haha

and now, to prove that miracles still happen, we have snow, serious snow. honestly! we haven't had much yet this winter. the poor farmers may now breathe some relief. i have yet to frolic in it....maybe later on.

well, since i'm older now, let me make a list of things to look forward to: 1. STOMP this weekend, 2. getting my book published, 3. .....okay, this is harder than i thought. there are things to look forward to....i'm just a bit sleep deprived, you know, the usual...

till later....

ah.

watched "hoosiers" tonight.

such a lovely movie. it's a strange relief when you watch something that has no bad language, no sex, no hints at something nasty or unnecessary....just clean, healthy, fun.

tomorrow's my birthday.

yay!

what other unrelated thought can i throw in here?

i bought hockey skates!

yay!

it's been a year

since i've been blogging. lovely.

it's official....

"lovely" is one of my favourite words.

yum.

okay....must walk and sing and talk and smile.

skaaaaaaaating

lovely!!!! (no, that's not where i skated)

skating is enough like rollerblading that it wasn't hard. (it was my second time on the ice. the first time was about 7 years ago!) and the ice was smooth enough and the night was warm yet cold enough. and the sky was dark enough. and the pond was big enough. and the fire was warm enough. and the friends were enough.

it was a little piece of....yes....heaven. i'm pretty sure we'll be able to wade in a lagoon and skate on a pond in the same day :)

this is how to enjoy winter--GET OUTSIDE!

folks think i'm crazy when they see me out for my afternoon walk. yes, it's cold. yes, it's often freezing. but i've got just enough layers on and just enough determination to allow my legs the privilege of pounding pavement.

but i don't have enough life in these eyes to write more.

till later...

so much better

i realize that this could be short lived...if i let it. but regardless, i must document this moment. and as overused a phrase though it be, God is good!!!

i sang like my life depended on it...it often does. music has a way of reaching me more than i think it reaches those i'm there to minister to.

ah. life's still good.

i'm crying

because once again i'm tired of being tired. because i don't feel strong and though feelings only go so far i want mine to be positive. because in about four hours i'll sing for a revelation seminar and i'm not ready. because instead of singing words of encouragement i want to be sung to. because maybe in someone else's words, in someone else's voice, i'll get back that feeling

and i've stopped crying now
because i've taken the time to let these words out
but my head's exploding both from dry eye pain and tears
it's a double hurt
it's a double curse
i'd rather not be reminded
so often
that i'm breakable
that i'm blind

this is what i long for. moments of continuous tapping. letter after letter forming words, phrases, sentences, complete and fragmented. but i don't get enough. and when i do, like now, it's a stolen moment. i feel guilty. i shouldn't be here. i can't afford it. i should be working. i should be resting. i should be rehearsing. i should be praying. i should be somewhere else.

i have no words for guilt
i have no words for many things
i can't even accurately describe this moment. all i've got is "this sucks"....

and on that note, i'm off to walk through this and wave my fist at God. don't worry, He knows it's coming and He's ready to give me a piece of His mind. and i'm almost ready to listen.

thank God for feet.

it's the same

i feel the way i felt with george w. won....the winds of change are upon us! the signs of the times continually show.

glad i couldn't vote....gives me permission to gripe whenever i choose. because, of course, had i been allowed to vote, things would be different.

right.

yeah.

whatever.

it's the same.

i'm still sleep deprived.

i'd like you to travel with me

not enough, not enough

i've desired this moment for days. and for days i've either had much to do or have lacked the sense to schedule this in making it nothing more than a passing thought.

ah. sadness.

and no, i didn't schedule it in today and i don't have a moment to spare really. i'm stealing from other responsibilities.

is this a responsibility? yes, even if only for my sanity.

(i'm feeling melodramatic)

good day world. wish i had more time to greet you. let us not be mere strangers for much longer.

okay, i'm tired. and i've got to go.

till later...may better words find me then...

ah, food

I must confess...I've been a Scrooge...

For the first time, the entire season could come and go and I wouldn't mind. (Some of you know how I've been "bah humbugging" Christmas music and I make no apologies coz so much of it truly stinks.) And I've concluded that my lack of enthusiasm is all because this is the first time in my life that Christmas isn't a big break from something such as school or work or some major stress factor. When I realized that, I realized that for many years, I've been caught up in the gift giving (not a bad thing necessarily) and the vegetating (also not necessarily a bad thing) but I've lost the focus on Jesus. (Don't worry, I don't wish to dive into all the brouhaha�love that word�concerning the Conservative Christians and their war on commercialism, etc.)

Yesterday, my pastor said some things that helped me figure out what to do with my Scroogeness. He preached on having the "mind of Christ" and asking ourselves how Christmas will change our tomorrows. He said that we've got to live as if we believe that our world is in need of a Savior. I'm presently clutching those concepts, taking seriously the notion that this season often passes with nothing more than an extra few pounds gained and a lot of money spent. But Jesus was born so that whether or not I sing Christmas songs, I have the opportunity to be reborn. THAT is beautiful reality, one I wish to spend more time pondering and allowing to impact my existence.

Today is a lovely day, not because of the great food I anticipate (my dad's going to make fried dumplings and I'm baking a few apple cobblers to give away...YUMMY), but because I've finally realized what matters most. It's meaningful to me, it's life changing for me.

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy New Year! I pray that you take in all the blessings of today and the days to come. Thanks for being part of my world J

Love you,
Michaela L.

question

when someone asks how are you? are you required to answer truthfully?

i've often responded in truth but haven't been heard. the words i'm sick seem to translate into i'm fine. and are responded to with good, good. and a part of me hopes that the guilty party doesn't see the disdain within me that's most likely now written on my face. and another part of me wishes for the guilty party's quick disappearance. how dare you ask and not listen?

but then there's the other scenario.

i've had a rough day that i'd rather not talk about. someone asks how i'm doing. i answer based on the tiny bit of optimism that found its way into my life despite the frustration and pain during the 10 hours i've been awake. am i still being honest by only spouting that tiny optimism?

i take pride in my honesty. over the last several months, i've discovered how freeing it is to not only tell the truth but to admit the truth and not run from the truth even if the truth stings. but it's obviously not always an easy thing. i just didn't think something as simple as a how are you would trip me up, would start my mind running.

answers are often hard to come by. resting in a state of unknowns, i bury my head and cry. but hope comes in moments. i take hold of each and know one thing -- i will be fine.

not enough

time....

or should i say that there is enough and i just haven't figured out how best to use it all? yes, that's more accurate, je pense. oui!

and that's all i have time for...so sad...too bad.

bigger.than.me.better.than.dreams

it's one of those airplane shots that remind me of how much is beyond me, beyond my best of dreams.

and then it motivates me...to use my time better, to waste not a second, to live as if i actually enjoy living.

so i do it.

my life is again on the cusp of something new, something amazingly beautiful. i have no idea what it is, only that it will be. i'm not ready for it, but somehow that's okay because i'm being prepared. that's called Grace -- with a capital "G" because it's God's.

now off i go. there are only approximately 7 more wake hours left...unless, of course, i take the nap i promised myself this morning.

we'll see.

nature's music

...a thousand wishes down below...





...when one thing goes, another comes and that's alright...

okay now

[the picture represents the confusion in my head.]

my esl students want me to hang out with them at the bar saturday night. i don't drink, smoke or shake my thang on dance floors with low lighting. but does that matter? they promised to by me a jug of water :)

what if i brought them to my house saturday night instead and served pop or even non-alcoholic wine, and we cranked up the music because i do shake my thang in my own home. will that be better?

rubbish. i'm tired of the substitutions. we do it with meat, with drinks, with valuables, with habits. yet if it's not visibly "of the world" it's not obviously "of heaven." no, i don't want to get caught up in the legalism argument here. what i want to get caught up in is authenticity. it's one of the many catch words i'll soon grow to despise, i'm sure. but for now, while i'm still luke warm about it, i'll rant about it which gets me right back to my favourite word...honesty. (is such a lonely word...)

but i don't have enough stamina right now to go further with it. my back aches because i've been slouching a lot. my head hurts because i'm not sleeping well. i feel guilty for not taking on a particular task. i'm tired of being tired. and i know i'm not doing all that i could be. it's now 10:41pm and i'm already behind schedule. i could continue to list at least 10 more things but i won't because self-destruction isn't necessary in this moment....or any moment for that matter.

now i really have to wake up and stay up at 4am. WE'VE got a lot to talk about, a lot to work through. i made a list of fears two 4ams ago. WE need to work through that too.

this is how tired i am...i'm spilling my guts, drunk with fatigue. and as i double check my spelling and grammar, the accent in my head is south african. fun times huh? i just have to hear that accent briefly and suddenly i find it hard to sound "naturally" me.

on a good note, tutoring today was so much fun. never again will i have what i had today. the particular student combination, their cultures, attitudes, senses of humor...it won't repeat. so i'll take a moment to say thank You God! thank You a million times over. You know what i need and when to supply it.

i guess that was my american thanksgiving special though i'd rather be at the wood's home eating those lovely home-made rolls. yummy!

grand scheming

in the grand scheme of things...otherwise known as life...my momentary fatigue matters not. i should have stayed up this morning. i should have taken just a few moments to look around. i would have realized all that could have been accomplished. but i concluded that more sleep was most important and since i seemingly had the option, i embraced it.

but in the grand scheme of things....

getting too relevant

in this age of being relevant, i wonder where the boundaries lie. how far can i go in my attempt to be relevant before becoming irrelevant? i'm particularly conscious of this when it comes to church, to religion, to organized religion. (do folks really have a problem with organized religion or are they just frustrated and in need of a scape goat?)

how much should i strive to be inclusive? what does that really mean anyway? where do inclusiveness and tolerance meet? and when, then, does the message become mediocre, ineffective?

ineffective is my word of the day. i've been up since 3:45 so that me and God could commune. it's been an amazing few hours. i have a new outlook on what it means to use my time wisely.

and if i spend so much time trying to be relevant that i become irrelevant....wasted.........precious moments wasted.

in case you haven't heard

an 18 yr old was shot outside the Toronto West SDA Church during the funeral service of his 17 yr old friend. this just happened on friday. the church is now a crime scene.

gangs.

if we use the word informally, many of us are part of some sort of gang. perhaps we call our gang a fraternity, sorority, small group, clique, church...perhaps we get together and do good things.

if we use the word formally, many of us are part of a gang. perhaps we call our gang a fraternity, sorority, small group, clique, church...perhaps we're a group of criminals, slowly taking lives with our thoughts and actions or inaction. maybe we're delinquents, failing to do what the Lord requires--opting to do what gives us a temporary high/rush...

...in case you haven't heard...

our schools are crime scenes
our homes are crime scenes
our workplaces are crime scenes
our churches are crime scenes

will the killers be caught? will the witnesses speak up? will the good people get together and fight?

in case you haven't heard...

Jesus' coming doesn't mean we sit and watch the sky. Jesus' coming doesn't mean we twiddle our thumbs and sigh. Jesus' coming doesn't mean we live like tomorrow's promised nor does it mean that we live as if it's not...

...in case you haven't heard...

on november 18
many young men died
many young women died
many died without hope
many live with the memory

on november 21
many have died already

on november 22
many more will die

what are we going to do about it?

should we raid homes and confiscate guns?
should we hold rallies, take our frustrations to the street?

maybe

and we should invade hearts with love
and we should rebuild churches with love
and we should transform our workplaces with love
and we should mend homes with love
and we should change the curriculum in schools -- take the bible, take the 10 c's, take whatever but leave love!

and we should hold up hope...coz there's still enough left to go around...there's still enough hope to go around...

...in case you haven't heard.

so as you pray, as you open your heart to Jesus sometime today, remember Toronto, remember your own community, remember your home, remember to love.

really.short.need.sleep

MORE

we need not focus on being unique. rather, we need to focus on being a masterpiece....Eph 2:10....God's creation....being the people HE created us to be with our specific gifts.

we shouldn't aim to simply be happy. that's global thinking. our minds need to look beyond earth.

then people will see that we are God's creation. they may not use those particular words. they may simply say there's something in you that draws me to something bigger than you. after spending more time with us, they'll realize that that bigger thing is God Almighty!

i'm attending the revive conference. tree63 has some lovely rhythms, solid lyrics, and one LOUD sound system! man. my neck got a massage tonight!

more insights in the new day.

home.sick

my students are homesick. they won't spend christmas with their families. to see the sadness on their faces is one thing...to hear the sadness is another.

hearing is so much harder than seeing yet we miss the eyes more than the ears it seems--sight is the most prized of the five senses. i can relate. i understand how blindness can lead to death. but the ears are vital, able to pick up so much that eyes (no matter how good) can't recognize.

if i could give my students an early ticket home, i would. but then they'd miss the rest of the experience and that's what it's all about...experience.

hearing. seeing. smelling. touching. tasting.

life.

but being homesick says a lot. says you love. says you care. says you miss. says more than many can relate to.

be.free

oh freedom
oh freedom
oh freedom over me

and before i'll be a slave
i'll be burried in my grave
and go home to my Lord
and be free

i'm in a singing mood.

i'll fly away

some glad morning
when this life is over
i'll fly away...

when i die, hallelujah by and by
i'll fly away

now that's where i get a bit confused. is it talking about being immediately taken up to heaven after death? if so, i guess i can't sing the song.

darn.

correction.advice.direction

i'm working more on my writing...it's a love-hate combo. well, hate's a bit strong. sometimes the editing/reworking process is actually enjoyable. other times it's a right pain. today has been good. more and more, i'm recognizing the value in other ppl's opinion of my work. sometimes my work is good and sometimes it's not. i can't always be the finally judge. i shouldn't ever be the final judge. i won't ever be the final judge (unless i keep it all to myself).

i'm rambling. i'm tired. 4am here we come!

rocks.brooms.sliders.whiplash

curling is fabulous! it's the sort of thing you can't do just once...well, i can't do it just once even though my first time has left me in pain...but i'll discuss that later.

i'm trying to think of how curling is analogous to living. i typically create ineffective analogies so perhaps i shouldn't try now. but i feel as if i must, as if it'll be the sprinkles on the cake. so here goes:

the act of curling demands attentiveness, precision, control, vision, care...as you slide each rock down the lane in hopes of either landing in the scoring zone or knocking your opponent's rock out of the zone. if you're a sweeper, you assist the rock's travels (if necessary) by making it's path "smoother." if your the skip(er?), you give direction to whoever's up by signaling with broom and hand.

and this is like life how? yeah, i dunno....maybe i'll come up with something in my sleep.

good times.

oh yes, my pain...i got whiplash. i slipped on the ice and felt my head go back quite violently. apparently i was quite close to hitting the ice. thank God i didn't! i've never realized how heavy a head is except from holding babies. i have a new appreciation for the strength of the neck. now there's an analogy for leadership!

leaders are often head heavy...have a lot of good ideas, a lot of vision, and sometimes a lot of hot air and overgrown pride. if a leader has strong assitance (the neck), there's a pretty good chance that if the leader falls, his/her assitance will be able to catch him before any major damage (head won't hit the ice).

and now i leave you with the words of my dad: the husband is the head and the wife is the neck, without which the head does not move.

yeah, my bedtime has long passed.

jazz.sleep.questions

two nights later....

i saw/heard jane bunnett and the spirits of havana...lovely

sidenote: i've tried to describe music lately and no adjective seems sufficient/qualified/right.

(meanwhile, back on the ranch) jane plays soprano sax and flute...wicked tone and finger action...her entire being connects to the music. the spirits of havana include trumpet, standing bass, drums, congas, and keyboard. i wanted to get up and dance during much of the performance but was much too shy.

since i've been slacking on my early to bed early to rise schedule, i'm quite tired for 7pm and i'm about to get to yacking on the phone. i know...i'll probably regret it in the morning. i know...

so i've got a question and those of you who read this should feel free to comment. well, maybe it's less of a question and more of a comment that's rooted in the practice of questioning. yeah, i'm not too sure of what i just wrote but i'm too tired to try and make sure it makes sense.

here's the deal: i haven't picked up a red poppy. today was remembrance day. we (the fam) went to the service in our town. it was quite long due to the many wreaths but overall, it was a good time to reflect, to remember what it means to sacrifice self for others. it's not natural to most of us, especially if the "other" isn't someone we know. and speaking of not knowing, i don't know exactly why i haven't picked up a red poppy and pinned it onto my jacket or whatever my outerwear is when i'm in public. i think it has to do with always being a foreigner and never knowing what to call home and not wanting to claim allegiance to any particular country. therefore, to wear a poppy would mean...........

ya, i'm not sure what it would mean. i guess that's what i have to figure out. i don't like wearing something without full knowledge unless it's something entirely founded on momentary fun...like a pointed birthday hat.

apparently

millions of teens across north america blog.

they detail deeply personal things that would shock, and do shock, the pants off their parents.

blogging has replaced the dear old diary in a way that is so public, some teens are paying the price...not only are their parents finding out but so are predators. because of how detailed these teens are, they've become targets of abuse from folks they never dreamed would walk into their lives, potentially ruin their lives.

so i take a moment to reflect on what i've read in the news. and i look at what i do in this space called wordhabit.blogspot.com. it's not the first time i've wondered if i'm being too personal. i know that what i write can be read by the whole wide world...and i don't mind.

truth be told, part of why it's so easy to have a blog is the knowledge that i have no idea who's reading it, judging it, loving it, etc....but i write first of all for me. and i do it online because i'm provided a pleasant space in which to do it and after all these years of computer usage, thoughts flow much better when my fingers tap the keys. i still have many journals. i buy at least one new one a year...if not more. they're more portable and my laptop's a failure. paper and pen still have their place. and since i'm so bad at keeping up with many of my friends, they can keep up with my life by reading it.

lately it's been quite an interesting read, i must say. and it only promises to get better. God's so good ya'll! what's a girl to do but keep on living for Him?

and as i live, i write.

thanks for reading.

the morning after

forgive the title but understand that with mornings come all sorts of regrets and brilliant thoughts, the thoughts that somehow escaped you just hours prior.

the interview was good..............i think. the committee was very inviting, almost too inviting. in retrospect, i feel as if they weren't as hard on me as they could have been. i wasn't looking for a gomery report or any form of inquisition. but maybe if i wasn't so young, and if it weren't so late in the day, they would have thrown a lot more tough questions my way. there were a few good make-you-stop-and-ponder questions. like what would you do if someone you went to visit told you her husband was cheating with someone online. i'm quite sure God answered that one for me.

and i'm quite sure God was with me throughout the interview. i wasn't too nervous. i had to keep my legs still and positioned comfortably to ease the nerves. and i believe that i presented myself well.

BUT!

i didn't talk about the one thing that is, for me, the essence of church stability, church growth, kingdom building, and all that stuff related to the work of the local church.

COMMUNITY!!

i know Deanna, we just talked about it didn't we? and i even jotted some more things down after we spoke. i even reviewed what i'd written yesterday afternoon. but it was nowhere to be found in all i said last night...at least not explicitly. i knew they'd start out with, so tell us more about yourself. i didn't want that question but i'd done a little brainstorming. i should have talked about community then but instead i went on about my passion for young adult ministry...not a bad thing to talk about but there was no other really open opportunity to talk about community.

boo hoo...can't live off regrets right?

right!

one thing i am glad about though, is that they didn't ask, so why do you want this job? i'd thought of an answer for that one too but saying why i want the job is sort of scary...it makes so many things a bit more real...puts me out there a bit more....

anyway, all things considered, i'm okay with the interview. but i'm going to try not to think much more about it before i beat myself over the head with critique.

the committee plans to take its time deciding (which is good) but they hope to have someone in place by january 1, 2006. so don't expect to hear any news anytime soon. but continue to pray that God's will will be done.

do you ever think of how many times God's will isn't done because of our stupidity? we pray Thy will be done but we often choose otherwise....

well, it's just after 9am and i've got too much to do and not enough time already

freedom

is that what we live for? do we work each day so that we don't have to be a slave to something? is that it? because if it is, i'll gladly never work again.

but wait...i think i'm already there. sorry for the rest of you, doing the verb so you don't have to be the noun, missing out on so much, living freely only in theory.

soon you'll breath in theory too, surrounded by "ifs" and "coulds," battered by goals too unrealistic to even dream in theory.

(if you understand all of this, good for you!)

(if you don't understand all of this, that's fine too!)

only a child

tonight i knocked at doors to get donations for the Canadian Diabetes Association. my favourite house had a mum, a little girl, and a little boy.

as the mum went to her purse, the little girl (who couldn't have been more than 6 said, mum, what are you doing?

getting money to give to the canadian diabetes association.

i wanna give some money!

and away she ran to her room and returned moments later with 5 cents! and as far as i'm concerned, it's the best 5 cents in the world!

children...aren't we supposed to be more like them?

my 7-day journey

written on October 6, 2005 around 5 pm

As of 5 and one-quarter hours ago, it's official. In case I haven't yet told you and in case news hasn't made its way through the grapevine, I've submitted my resume for the position of Associate Pastor of the College Heights SDA Church in Lacombe, Alberta.

I'm imagining your various reactions as you read this. One possible reaction is, Amen! Another is, What?!?! Another is, What have I missed? Yet another is, Okay, maybe you need to settle down, rethink things. Your artsy brain needs to be a bit more practical. And my favourite is, But you have English Lit degrees. And if the last option was the first thing to cross your mind, it just goes to show that what God has in mind often has nothing to do with what we have in mind.

In the last seven days, I've learned enough to pack into another book. The most important lesson is that when we tell God we'll do anything He says and we mean it, our lives can change in a moment...we can end up far from where we ever dreamed we'd be and absolutely love it. I recently wrote a poem that holds these words: here's my number Jesus/call me any time it pleases. When I wrote that, I meant every bit of it. But, I was only thinking about the dreams I have, the hopes I have. I wasn't devoting any time to my fears or to the things I've said no to in the past. (Fear is often hard to label "fear" because we don't like admitting to having fear. It's human! Suck it up! )

God has also taught me more about faith, more about devotion, more about time management, more about vision, more about what it takes to know His will...how that foundation takes time to build, though we'll never be perfect. I couldn't have had this journey a year or two ago or even 5 months ago because I wouldn't have known how to approach it...I had other things I needed to deal with first. I probably would have read text after text hoping to find the answer. Should I submit my resume? What does the Bible have to say about submitting resumes for jobs you don't feel qualified to do? It may sound ridiculous but isn't this what we do sometimes? We go to the Bible with the wrong question. The question should be, What does the Bible say about submitting to the will of God? And if we've been growing in our walk with God, another question should be, how has God spoken to me in the past and how can those experiences help me understand what's happening now?

But more important than questioning (because thankfully, the Lord is patient with our questions, sees are inadequacies, and helps us regardless) is getting rid of junk. I hate moving because there is always junk that I haven't yet sorted through that I know shouldn't go to my next home but probably will because I'm lazy. There doesn't seem to be any time to deal with it because I'm so afraid of making time. I think it will consume me. And maybe it will. But it's worth it in the long run because months later, when I have to move again, I'll spend less time packing and I'll be much more optimistic about the move. I had to get rid of a lot of emotional junk in order to be ready for this journey. I had a lot of growing up to do. God knew that. (And I'm not saying that I feel $100 adequate to be a pastor. Oh no! But I know God equips those He calls!) And He could have begun this journey before but He wanted my head and heart to be more at ease. I'm not done growing. I'm not the only option; God can use rocks. But if He desires my non-mainstream self to do His will, I'm in.

Let me make this all a little clearer for you. About two months ago, I started m3ministry I promised God that I would use the gifts He has given me to share hope with others. I knew that I would spend the rest of my life doing 3 things: singing, writing, and teaching. I didn't know exactly where m3ministry would take me. I had no 10-year goal lined up aside from singing at the Ryman and I was prepared for that to simply remain a dream. I only knew for sure that as long as I was doing God's will, I was on the right track. And I had (and still have) every reason to believe that m3ministry is God's will.

So last Thursday, when my pastor asked me if I'd consider submitting my resume, I laughed in his face. I honestly thought he was making a joke to transition into some other topic. But he wasn't joking. He gave me a few more details and I said I'd think on it and pray about it. I spent much of that afternoon laughing about it...one of those nervous laughs that is often accompanied by the words, Oh, this is really crazy and yet it makes sense and freaks me out all at the same time.
I've thought about being a pastor before. Some may think it's only natural since my dad is a pastor and I'm so involved in local church functions. The only thing I think is natural about that is thinking that I'd never do it because of all the politics that I can't stand. I grew up wanting to be a superstar singer not a local church pastor. As my fascination with interpreting the Bible grew and my love for ministering to young adults grew, it was then somewhat natural for me to ask, Should I be going to the seminary? But I saw the seminary as more of an academic fetish than anything else. I'm a nerd. I love school. I love to be in classes with smart profs and smart classmates. And I love hermeneutics! And I love to hear the sound of my own thoughts ringing through my head and spilling out of my mouth in an amazing display of scholarly prowess. Yes, seminary seemed like more of a potential ego trip than anything else. I want to do a PhD in theology but I don't want to do another MA so to the back burner that idea went.

Now, the more I work, the more I see the need for God's light to shine through me in whatever way He chooses. The fact is, I may not get the job...and that's alright. I'll be happy either way because I'm confident that for some reason, I needed to submit my resume. By doing so, I didn't dismiss m3ministry; I simply said, Okay God. I have faith that You're in this. I wanted some assurance that I was doing the right thing. I didn't need to know whether or not I'll be chosen. I just wanted to know if God even wanted the resume.

But He put me in my place, reminding me that I don't always have to know in order to do...otherwise, there's no room for faith. I was afraid of being like the young prophet who heard the word of God then listened to the old prophet and disobeyed God...and died. I didn't think I would die (I'm not that melodramatic) and I didn't doubt my pastor's motivation but I got so caught up in doing the right thing that I almost didn't do it. And I finally admitted the truth, that I was scared out of my mind. I'm not at all mainstream in any stream. I'm not a mainstream black person, I'm not a mainstream SDA, I'm not a mainstream singer, writer, teacher. I'm not even a mainstream woman. And I was afraid that my church needs a mainstream female pastor. But that's not for me to decide. Even though so much of me is against the grain, God uses me for His glory because He gives me what I need as I need it.

When I moved home a year ago, I thought I'd only manage to be here for a year. I had no desire to do anything that would cause me to stay here any longer. Since springtime, I haven't felt that urgency to leave. I’ve never felt as though I’m settling for less than what I somehow deserve…I’ve been busy. By the time this past summer ended, I was even more involved...not just in my church, but in my community. A year ago I would have said, Sorry, I'm just passing through. If I'm given this job, I've already committed to at least 2 years here. And I'm fine with that because it's not about where you live (even though I often talk about how hard it would be to leave beautiful Alberta); it's about what you're doing.

Oh dear, this is now much longer than I ever intended. I wanted to fill all of you in at the same time but in my head, this was only 3 paragraphs and it made perfect sense. I'm sure there's a sentence above that has someone wondering if I really studied English all these years.

But here's the real deal folks. I'm asking that you pray for God's will to be done so that College Heights SDA church can have the associate pastor it needs to have, period. Thanks in advance.

wishing it could be easier

but so many good things are born out of struggle.

so i struggle...i determine that i'll pray on this one thing. i'll pray until i see change. aaahhhhh. man! as i write, i learn. as i learn, i get ticked off. do i really have to pray about that too?

yeah, sorry. no explanations today. just words on screen for my personal benefit.

slowly but

i'm feeling a bit more awake today. by 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon i was wasted. justin and i went to hear the AU symphony play at HPAC. all things considered, it was pretty good. i was quite awake for the first two pieces but after intermission, my eyes really started to ache, the left one in particular. all i wanted to do was curl up in my chair and go to sleep. so i closed my eyes for a bit, hoping the darkness would ease my need for sleep. and every now and then i'd wake up, surprised that i'd been sleeping, afraid of my head dropping.

but each time i hear classical music i wonder why i don't listen to more of it. i guess i don't listen to that much music on a regular basis anyway but classical is so lovely. unfortunately, it often possesses lullaby qualities.

having the howard performing arts center on AU's campus is wonderful. it adds to the professionalism of the place. wish it was here when i was a student......i may return.

last night was nothing but jokes. chanda, jackie, georgie, and i went walking on campus. it was a little after 8 when we departed and around 10 when we returned. we have many night pics to document our fun. not only did we walk off ihop, we laughed off ihop and probably breakfast too. it was great. every day should be full of jokes. for some moments i felt as if i was back in high school and at other moments, i was just glad to be having this much fun at 26. my no means do i feel old but i realize how easy it is to think i'm beyond silly moments.

well, now it's time to repack my bags yet another time. i'm taking the train back to chicago today. i was supposed to go yesterday woke up too late...probably won't catch any of the chicago film festival as i'd hoped. *sigh* mabye next year?

homeward bound...yippee!

10 years...many lessons

ten years ago, i began my senior year of high school. to some that's a ridiculous amount of years. to me, it's simply life.

life's been a whole lot of things...good...bad...stupid...surprising...refreshing........

this weekend was spent with former classmates, their spouses, their children, their growth, their familiar personas, the craziness that is still us....we are who we are and we're not apologizing any longer. well, that's what i hope for.

God's been merciful yet again. all 30-something of us that showed up can testify to that and should testify.

i'm glad i came...now i must start heading back. a few more days away and then reality. thankfuly, it's a reality i love...i love it more than many will ever understand. so i won't try to explain it.

a while

that's what it's been...a while.

haven't done a lot of things in a while.

haven't slept for long.

haven't exercised.

haven't written in this here space.

and most importantly, it seems, i haven't read for a good period of time. it shows as i type and key "write" instead of "right" or "hear" instead of "here"...those are called homophomes in case you didn't know. and i don't even know if that word's spelled write...there i go again. this is one of the few times that i'm thankful "read" isn't "reed"...

yes, i really need sleep.

but i'd rather stay up late chatting with friends, catching up on months of time apart. this weekend is bound to leave me sick and ragged. is it worth it? i'll know on tuesday.

for now, i bask in the sweetness of slow paced berrien springs.

ciaozers.

late nights

tomorrow, or this morning rather, i'll have to go back to bed after everyone is gone. it's already after 1:00am and at this rate i won't make it to actual sleep until 2. and yes, all this could have been avoided if i'd just started out my week correctly.

thankfully tomorrow's not friday.

yeah, i'm kicking myself. i must do better. it's not too much to ask. it's so necessary!

talking to God

that's not faith. knowing that I want you to do something in order for you to do it isn't faith.

are You serious? then what in the world is it? what about abraham? he knew that You wanted him to move to an unknown so he did it. he didn't know what was out there but he heard Your voice so he moved. i'm not asking You to tell me step B. i'm just asking if You want me to do step A because i'm confident of what You've told me to do before all of this became an issue. and i don't want to act out in a way that shows i lack confidence in what You've already said.

no, i didn't have to hear Your voice for my last major decision because it all made sense and i knew that You'd spoken in the past. it took me a while to not only listen but obey. when i finally obeyed, i was just grateful You hadn't given up on me.

so how is that different from now? God, i'm scared out of my mind. i guess that's what it all boils down to. i'm afraid. i'm afraid of what i'll be, or not be. i'm afraid of who i'll have to encounter. i'm afraid of messing up. i'm really afraid of messing up because i know i'm so inadequate. and i'm so not mainstream. and i'm young. and i'm black. and this is a white world...though it's small, it's white. did i mention how not mainstream i am?

so faith. faith is knowing You'll make me adequate and more than adequate. faith is knowing that because my spiritual gifts and pursuits fit completely, i have an okay starting point. faith is knowing that whatever happens, i've got You and You've got me even more. faith is doing this thing that scares me almost as much as losing my right eye.

and after saying that, i suddenly feel as if there's nothing to be afraid of...nothing can be worse than blindness...

unless i let fear blind me...i can't let fear blind me...

here i go God...no, here WE go.

pain produces life and i'm not sure where life's going

in an essential sermon, shot strait from the hip and into my heart, i heard truth. i wish i heard more of it regularly.

today has been weird. it began comme d'habitude....i woke up tired. slowly but surely, i got myself together, ate and all that good stuff. i made it to the week of prayer morning service at cuc...it was a blessing. then i walked out of the church and received an invitation that humbles me and also gives me a sense of honor. i won't discuss it in detail because this isn't one of those things to blab about. i need to think more about it and pray about it. in fact, it's probably something i won't ever discuss in detail until the final results are in.

after lunch i carried on with planned activities. i got materials in order for my esl class, did some more research for my encyclopedia article, ran a few errands. then it was supper time. i ate light -- fruit and such. then i went to my class. it's the first in a weekly series of conversation classes. it was fabulous. my students were so much fun and it was good to see them smiling. i love the classroom! i just hate HATE grading. and with this, there is none of that mess.

afterwards, i went to the evening meeting...another blessing. and now i'm typing away at home, knowing that i should have saved this for the morning and gone to bed right away. but no, writing can't wait. *insert rolled eyes*

and though i'm about to carry on comme d'habitude, prep for bed then go to bed, life is no longer usual. some invitations don't shake your foundation. they simply place you on a new one, one you've often thought about but never dared to dream about.

here i go...

good

not simply how i'm feeling but how i'm seeing life, sensing it's direction...

honesty

it's the word i can't seem to get enough of. it jumps out of my mouth just about every too seconds. i should be honest, you should be honest, we should be honest, too many aren't trying to be honest, we're all afraid of being honest.

and as soon as i want to be honest, i lie, fully conscious of my lie and ready to give myself another lecture, another chance. self-grace...

we lie for self-preservation.
we speak truth for freedom.

lighten up? i'll just keep it real...

am i too rigid? am i so old-school that i can’t chill, have a little fun? no. i just don’t mind playing by the rules. and i know that when you do so, you can still have a whole lot of fun. yes. okay. case closed.

on to other news....i've made some decisions and i really like them. and i find that important...liking the decisions. and i'm excited about following through. and following through requires me to get to bed and sleep so that my morning can be productive.

but before i get there...

it's good to look back then look at now and see a whole lot of positives in the future all because i keep on cutting more crap.

yup.

flash back...flash forward

the last several days have been so busy. i wake up each morning feeling as if i just went to bed. for all the fatigue, i should be rolling in millions by now. but that's alright...i'm rolling in blessings. honestly, i'm not yet where i want to be. you know, traveling singer/writer, performing before scores of faces...yes, i'll admit it; i want a bit of glam. but just enough to ensure that the message of hope reaches as many as possible! i'll be famous if i know it's for a good cause. hee hee. and in the meantime, i'm already seeing God's grace at work and His amazing forms of motivation.

today, for example, a friend told me of a speaking opportunity just gained. i got all excited as if it was my opportunity. i'm just so excited when i think about ministry. it really is the best thing out there regardless of the form it comes in. no, you don't have to be a pastor or a singing evangelist. you just have to be willing to say, here's my number Jesus; call me anytime it pleases. and He calls. and you answer. and it just gets better from there.

right now i'm listening to a new version of an old song Jesus, You're the Centre of My Joy. it's a cappella and fabulous. amidst the lovely chords, the message screams at me. He's centre...not peripheral...not sometimish. He's it. He's where all the good stuff begins and ends.

and as i continue to spend hours working toward my goals, as i daydream about how it can all one day be, i'm confident that where i am right now is where i need to be. it's not all rosey. i'm still confused about some things but they're not the major things. so i'm alright.

Jesus, You're the centre of my joy
all that's good and perfect comes from You
You're the heart of my contentment
Hope for all i do
Jesus, You're the centre of my joy

it's simple folks, really simple.

baby steps

my first official gig....over....good times

9/11, skepticism, realism, build a schism

oprah. oh oprah. here i go to badmouth, once again, one of your shows. but at least this time i watched it for 10 minutes, okay?

alright.

here goes.

the man sound rehearsed. sounds like he told his mother, told his wife, told his brother, told his co-workers, told his baker, told his butcher, told his grandson's history class, told the postman, told his co-workers again, told his local tv station, told that one really dramatic co-worker one more time, then talked to oprah.

rehearsed.

or am i just a skeptic? i can't doubt that he checked in the terrorists. that one has hard evidence. i can't doubt it, not even subconsciously. but i have to wonder. did he really see hatred in that mans eyes? did he really think to himself that this was the face of a terrorist before it all went down? were those real tears just now? does oprah even believe him? she's lookin skeptical too...

let's be real. a person's eyes do say a lot. a cold stare can send chills up and down your spine. but sir, you're such a good storyteller, too good i think. but that's just my opinion, right?

and i'm not here to build schisms, design living spaces for contrary ideologies
i'm not here to pour cheap concrete, lay foundations for things i do not believe...

time

it's been a busy time, these last several days. preparing for a mini-concert and a church performance. my energy levels are crazy and i should get to bed soon to hopefully increase them.

strep throat is evil. how can something that attacks the throat damage your entire body? okay, so maybe not my entire body but hey, when my energy's so low, it seems like my whole body's gone.

anyway, by this time next week, i'll hopefully have a new tune.

till then...

if i'd

if i'd been reacting in an age-appropriate manner to destruction all my life, maybe i'd know how to feel now.

if i'd been honest voicing my frustration with destruction all my life, maybe i'd know how to speak now.

but maybe i can learn. but maybe i don't have to.

i can only feel what rocks my boat. i can only speak of what i know. i know corruption. i know injustice. i know tears. i know frustration. but when they come packaged in a wrapping i've never seen, i'm silent.

katrina is a foreign wrapping. i look at her and have minimal emotions. but i look at what she's unearthed and i stare as a million thoughts run without order through my veins, the thoughts that have kept my blood running, have kept my hands writing.

why must it take us so long to love each other? why do we choose to fight instead of to love?

katrina = reality check

we're americans and we're used to winning -- lou dobbs

sorry lou; that's probably why you're losing now.

i don't mean to sound flippant regarding what's been going down down south but man, it's hard. and all this discussion about who's at fault, who was slow, who has been inefficient, etc., isn't getting anything done except adding to the hot air supply. let's deal with the "who" later, when everyone's been adequately housed and fed. and even though i'd love to slam the president, i'd rather talk about this:

readiness. if a hurricane can be tracked and categorized before it hits and yet thousands are left, due to their poverty (and/or race), to suffer and die, how prepared are we for anything? and who are we most willing to service, to love? when will we decide that spending billions on actual people we can find is more important than spending on a man we can't? what drives our priorities?

and yes, part of this is racial. now listen. how relief efforts work right now may not be racial. BUT. how long has new orleans had such a high rate of poverty among it's african american population? and how much of a desire has the local to federal government had to change that all these years? and how much of that desire has been funded and actualized .......................................... yeah, that's what i thought. not good enough. so now, when all these black folks can't afford to leave home, it's racial. suffering has to begin somewhere. we'd rather go to africa and teach women and children how to read, than educate black folks. yes. it's the truth. and yes, we all reach an age of accountability and should be held accountable for every wrong action we commit to, but when we can't drive black, can't shop black, can't eat black, can't go to a decent school (though no child should be left behind), can't date anyone we like, can't get recognition unless we sing, dance or dunk, can't live anywhere we like, can't, can't, can't...how can we be expected to pack our bags, hop in our toyota and head to higher ground?

step by step. that's often how things grow. that's often how things are torn apart.

am i ready to die? do i have the knowledge and have i lived a godly life that will permit me a quick and safe trip out of this mess one day? and what about others? have i payed them enough active attention to help them leave? will they be ready? yeah, this is a sign of the time and no, we don't have much time.

if i have one, i'm going to name my daughter Katrina. it actually means "pure" but (to me) it now means "reality check" -- my child will walk around with her head high making sure folks know what's what. she'll have a presence that's unprecedented. she'll shake up the status quo causing all sorts of disasters and she'll do it all in the name of love. and in a way, that's the purest thing i know.

what can i say

deeply saddened?

outraged?

grieved?

at a loss for words?

no, honestly, it's hard for me to use any of those when i think about my gut reaction to what's going down in Louisiana.

are you serious?

yes. i've said it before and i'll say it again. it's hard for me to think about a bad situation that isn't affecting me personally, and get very emotional about it. it's not how i react naturally. and it may be the result of years of not reacting to a lot of things. i'm sure i can find a way to blame it on my childhood. but that's not quite what i'm about.

you see, i'm one of those people who, while fully aware that a situation stinks (to say the least), more often than not will say, this is just another sign of the mess we're in and how much closer we are to getting out. i consider myself an optimistic realist. that's up for debate perhaps but instead of pondering the awful nature of life, i'd rather look at the big picture and concoct a way to make things better. no, i don't want to send money to relief efforts. i don't even have money to send. and as far as i'm concerned, Oprah, Bill G, Donald, and a few others need to open their banks along side the U.S. government and there will be enough money. Bush II needs to feed the people by any means necessary, etc, etc.

yes, my role has nothing to do with money. it has everything to do with where i am. the context for my work has nothing to do with Louisiana though my prayers should have everything to do with Louisiana. my context is Lacombe, Alberta (Canada) where thousands of people may not have the understanding of God they should have. and where hundreds aren't getting the kind of food they need. and others aren't getting the kind of clean entertainment they should be. some know nothing of contentment or grace. others have skewed notions of love, etc, etc.

this is where my eyes look, my strength goes. i'm not here to save...i don't have that kind of power. i'm here to use what God's given me every single day.