God!
tonight was better. i began by taking a 10 minute breather in a building i'd never entered here before. i sat in the foyer that was lovingly quiet except for the young man locking things up. it's okay; you can stay. so i did. i just sat there as my stomach tried to untie its knots. all my anxiety and frustration had landed there. they discussed the pros and cons of their new home. as i walked through my thoughts, they slowly took up residence outside of me.
i took stephen's advice. every time you open you sing you must mean it. sing like your life depends on it.
i suppose i'll just keep on popping ibuprofen (sp?) for my swollen vocal chords, hoping it has no crazy side effects.
i don't know if i want to audition for friday night's program as a solo act. the quartet is sounding good. we're going with plan "a". food for thought: don't get too many opinions. one seasoned voice is enough. three seasoned voices are like crows squawking to protect their children: you understand their noise but you could do without it. (okay, maybe that wasn't the best of analogies...)
my reason for hesitating to audition boils down to politics. i see it. i understand who favours who. i'm not mad about the favouritism. i'm mad about the rules that are bent or reworked as a result. i don't know if they'll bend the rules for me. i don't know that i'm that special. i do know that ben speer knows my name :) but anyway...even if i can sing, i'm just here to minister through music, not to show off my great chops, not to drive the crowd crazy, not to get a million dollar deal.
yes, this is my fear speaking. let me break it down for you. in the past, singers can only perform once for the friday night program. so if you're in a group, you can't do a solo. however, i was told our quartet was an exception. i don't want to get caught up in the mess. i don't want to be looked upon as one of those who gets to break the rules. i don't want the politics to interfere with the ministry. i'm afraid of being ineffective. but i also know that many are expecting me to sing...do i do it just because i believe my song will be a blessing?
i'm praying about it. i told God to let me know what to do in the morning. i know that regardless of rules and public opinion, His word can and will get out. i'm just making sure i'm the right vessel for friday night.
please pray for me.
goodnight.
27.7.05
what's the plan?
i came here to learn. i came to be a student, to sit at the feet of knowledge for two weeks. the weekend was my break. now i just want to keep on treading through all the theory and all the groups singing, etc.
but some folks are here to make a name. and yes, i must admit, it's nice to be recognized, to be told a lot of positive things. and i enjoy every opportunity i have to share the mercy of God. so yes, i enjoy performance times.
however, i didn't come here to be a superstar and give up time i should be eating to practice. i guess i'm not that hard chore at this moment, not for now. i have a particular agenda and now find myself wrapped in another agenda. i'm singing in a quartet for the final program. somehow we're already on the program without auditioning. politics. it's who you know and who likes their knowledge of you. so where in. and we've been spending a whole lot of time practicing. which is why i'm a bit of a grouch. i'd rather make sure i've eaten and had enough sleep than practice.
here's the lesson in this. make sure, when working with a group, that the rest of your members have the same vision you do. make sure they have the same drive you do. make sure they have the same idea of sacrifice. i didn't form the group. i'm not on the same wavelength as the others. i don't have the desire to skip lunch in order to get something sounding good. it's not that deep to me. maybe it should be. i know my part and those that don't know theirs know what to work on. i got mad 'cause i missed part of theory class as a result of all the practice. i didn't come here to get recognition. when i get it i consider it a blessing, the sprinkles on top. i came here to be a student.
and wouldn't you know it, i'm learning more than i want to. i'm learning more of what it takes to be a team player. i don't want to play. i have an agenda. i want theory, ear training, sight seeing.
i'll write more later.
but some folks are here to make a name. and yes, i must admit, it's nice to be recognized, to be told a lot of positive things. and i enjoy every opportunity i have to share the mercy of God. so yes, i enjoy performance times.
however, i didn't come here to be a superstar and give up time i should be eating to practice. i guess i'm not that hard chore at this moment, not for now. i have a particular agenda and now find myself wrapped in another agenda. i'm singing in a quartet for the final program. somehow we're already on the program without auditioning. politics. it's who you know and who likes their knowledge of you. so where in. and we've been spending a whole lot of time practicing. which is why i'm a bit of a grouch. i'd rather make sure i've eaten and had enough sleep than practice.
here's the lesson in this. make sure, when working with a group, that the rest of your members have the same vision you do. make sure they have the same drive you do. make sure they have the same idea of sacrifice. i didn't form the group. i'm not on the same wavelength as the others. i don't have the desire to skip lunch in order to get something sounding good. it's not that deep to me. maybe it should be. i know my part and those that don't know theirs know what to work on. i got mad 'cause i missed part of theory class as a result of all the practice. i didn't come here to get recognition. when i get it i consider it a blessing, the sprinkles on top. i came here to be a student.
and wouldn't you know it, i'm learning more than i want to. i'm learning more of what it takes to be a team player. i don't want to play. i have an agenda. i want theory, ear training, sight seeing.
i'll write more later.
26.7.05
saying goodbye
i know it's not yet friday but i've already had to say goodbye.
his name is Tinker. he's 64. about 6'4. slim build. a nice crop of grey hair. mustache. a rich low voice. he's simply wonderful. (don't worry, i haven't fallen in love with a man old enough to be my grand/dad.)
Tinker was kind to me from day one. i often wonder what draws people to me and i to them. the same's true for Tinker and me. every moment i saw him or spoke to him, i felt absolutely comfortable. and since i'm not always the friendliest of people (i'm still working on not looking sour) it was kind of surprising to me that he was immediately drawn to me. i soon found out why.
he's a southern white gentleman with 3 black daughters. it's something frowned upon in these parts. i didn't ask for the history behind it all. he simply showed me pictures and i understood. i was like a daughter to him. and i know he missed them while being here. he returned early because they have basketball camp.
last night, when i found out he was leaving, i quickly made sure that we got a picture together. it was so precious. he's so precious. this morning, i saw him one last time at breakfast as i stood in line to get my food. he often wears a serious face but when he smiles, he smiles. this morning i didn't see the smile. i saw sadness. he looked down at me and said, don't you get in my head now, with a look of love in his eyes and a sort of sarcastic regret in his voice...i was already there. i did all i could to stop from crying. i'm almost crying writing this. i can't quite explain it. i guess sometimes you just love immediately and deeply. he's like a grandad in my mind. and neither of my biological ones lived to see me born. i've always envied those with grandparents that they're close to. the only man i've considered grandad isn't blood. now i have another one, i guess.
i guess i'm sad because i didn't have more time. i didn't get to sit with him and ask him about himself. i know he grew up on a tenant farm and can't write and can read just a little. but you'd never think that. he doesn't look like a man who doesn't know those things. (and i don't actually know what that kind of man looks like.) Tinker's quite dashing, dresses very well, stands tall--shoulders back, head up. has a firm grip and hugs like he really cares. and he does. and when he sings, his bass voice resonates nicely.
i said i'd write. i just remembered he won't be able to read it. he asked me to send him my first album. i said yes. and i'll write anyway. maybe one of his daughters will read my words to him.
i'm biting my top lip. my time here's been emotional enough already and now this. friday is going to be horrible. i'll have a headache for days! and the puffiest eyes known to woman.
Tinker is, and will always be, in my heart. and i may cry when i think of him in the future. or i may just call him up and cry on the phone. i'm acting as if i'll never see him again. he plans to return next year. i could do the same. but tomorrow isn't promised and with so many dying before what seems should be their time, i'm afraid that this is it.
when you dismiss all the crap, the racial difference that you often use to automatically divide you from another, the social class garbage, the beauty standard mess, when you love someone just because they're human, it takes so much out of you and you often don't want to do it again. so then you lock yourself away emotionally and maintain only surface interactions. you allow fear to sit at your able, eat your food, tell you a whole bunch of foolishness then leave you feeling empty.
i feel as if i'm writing a memorial. the combo of fatigue, sadness, and crazy heat is obviously getting to me. but honestly, being here in the south, where it's natural to be friendly and use numerous terms of endearment, i've become a lot more open to being real. i see the need for it no matter who we are and what we do. i see how powerfully one life can be used by God to touch another if only the first is willing to be real.
so here's my challenge to you. be honest. with yourself. with God. with others. don't live with one hidden agenda after another that keeps you distant. don't walk around with a truckload of complaints, regrets, nit picky foolishness. yes, be honest about what makes you mad but don't share it just to get someone else agitated or just to get someone to validate your mad condition. live life in such away that every goodbye hurts because every hello was real. it's alright. really.
do you get me?
his name is Tinker. he's 64. about 6'4. slim build. a nice crop of grey hair. mustache. a rich low voice. he's simply wonderful. (don't worry, i haven't fallen in love with a man old enough to be my grand/dad.)
Tinker was kind to me from day one. i often wonder what draws people to me and i to them. the same's true for Tinker and me. every moment i saw him or spoke to him, i felt absolutely comfortable. and since i'm not always the friendliest of people (i'm still working on not looking sour) it was kind of surprising to me that he was immediately drawn to me. i soon found out why.
he's a southern white gentleman with 3 black daughters. it's something frowned upon in these parts. i didn't ask for the history behind it all. he simply showed me pictures and i understood. i was like a daughter to him. and i know he missed them while being here. he returned early because they have basketball camp.
last night, when i found out he was leaving, i quickly made sure that we got a picture together. it was so precious. he's so precious. this morning, i saw him one last time at breakfast as i stood in line to get my food. he often wears a serious face but when he smiles, he smiles. this morning i didn't see the smile. i saw sadness. he looked down at me and said, don't you get in my head now, with a look of love in his eyes and a sort of sarcastic regret in his voice...i was already there. i did all i could to stop from crying. i'm almost crying writing this. i can't quite explain it. i guess sometimes you just love immediately and deeply. he's like a grandad in my mind. and neither of my biological ones lived to see me born. i've always envied those with grandparents that they're close to. the only man i've considered grandad isn't blood. now i have another one, i guess.
i guess i'm sad because i didn't have more time. i didn't get to sit with him and ask him about himself. i know he grew up on a tenant farm and can't write and can read just a little. but you'd never think that. he doesn't look like a man who doesn't know those things. (and i don't actually know what that kind of man looks like.) Tinker's quite dashing, dresses very well, stands tall--shoulders back, head up. has a firm grip and hugs like he really cares. and he does. and when he sings, his bass voice resonates nicely.
i said i'd write. i just remembered he won't be able to read it. he asked me to send him my first album. i said yes. and i'll write anyway. maybe one of his daughters will read my words to him.
i'm biting my top lip. my time here's been emotional enough already and now this. friday is going to be horrible. i'll have a headache for days! and the puffiest eyes known to woman.
Tinker is, and will always be, in my heart. and i may cry when i think of him in the future. or i may just call him up and cry on the phone. i'm acting as if i'll never see him again. he plans to return next year. i could do the same. but tomorrow isn't promised and with so many dying before what seems should be their time, i'm afraid that this is it.
when you dismiss all the crap, the racial difference that you often use to automatically divide you from another, the social class garbage, the beauty standard mess, when you love someone just because they're human, it takes so much out of you and you often don't want to do it again. so then you lock yourself away emotionally and maintain only surface interactions. you allow fear to sit at your able, eat your food, tell you a whole bunch of foolishness then leave you feeling empty.
i feel as if i'm writing a memorial. the combo of fatigue, sadness, and crazy heat is obviously getting to me. but honestly, being here in the south, where it's natural to be friendly and use numerous terms of endearment, i've become a lot more open to being real. i see the need for it no matter who we are and what we do. i see how powerfully one life can be used by God to touch another if only the first is willing to be real.
so here's my challenge to you. be honest. with yourself. with God. with others. don't live with one hidden agenda after another that keeps you distant. don't walk around with a truckload of complaints, regrets, nit picky foolishness. yes, be honest about what makes you mad but don't share it just to get someone else agitated or just to get someone to validate your mad condition. live life in such away that every goodbye hurts because every hello was real. it's alright. really.
do you get me?
i'm about
2 days behind. i hate that. how'd i get 2 days behind on the calendar? it's this busy schedule i suppose.
there's something i forgot to mention yesterday, i think. i was sitting at lunch, minding my business, when one of the voice teachers came up to me. he said he enjoyed my singing friday night and was wondering if i was taking lessons. i said yes. he said good. after he left i realized that maybe, just maybe, he wants to give me lessons. and since it was my last day with my voice teacher, maybe, just maybe, this man could fit me into his schedule sometime in the next few days. but those thoughts were after he'd left.
i pondered and decided to ask. what's the hurt in asking? so i asked. he explained that he didn't want to step on any toes if i was taking from anyone else but since i'm no longer, he'd love to work with me when possible. he said he heard some things on friday he'd like to work on. i said, for sure and he said he'd snatch me sometime during the rest of the week.
woohooooooooooooooooo!
did i mention that God is good?!?! and it's not like i'd need to pay extra. he just wants to help me out if he can.
now i'm afraid of wasting time during the last few days i have here....
there's something i forgot to mention yesterday, i think. i was sitting at lunch, minding my business, when one of the voice teachers came up to me. he said he enjoyed my singing friday night and was wondering if i was taking lessons. i said yes. he said good. after he left i realized that maybe, just maybe, he wants to give me lessons. and since it was my last day with my voice teacher, maybe, just maybe, this man could fit me into his schedule sometime in the next few days. but those thoughts were after he'd left.
i pondered and decided to ask. what's the hurt in asking? so i asked. he explained that he didn't want to step on any toes if i was taking from anyone else but since i'm no longer, he'd love to work with me when possible. he said he heard some things on friday he'd like to work on. i said, for sure and he said he'd snatch me sometime during the rest of the week.
woohooooooooooooooooo!
did i mention that God is good?!?! and it's not like i'd need to pay extra. he just wants to help me out if he can.
now i'm afraid of wasting time during the last few days i have here....
25.7.05
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
wow. today has been a day! like a full day! like an amazingly wowing day!
i had my last lesson with stephen hill today. again, we talked for almost 45 minutes.
so, what are you going to do?
with what?
with that mechanics class you were talking about. common, what do you think i'm asking about?
oh music?
hahah. yeah, music.
well, i'd like to make it full time but i don't know. i also want to make time for writing.
you can write anywhere. you can write in the plane, in a motel....
.....
what church do you go to?
by his tone i knew he meant denomination. seventh day adventist.
i know a guy. danny.....what's his last name.
shelton?
yeah, you know him? you know about 3ABN?
yes.
i've worked with him before...
..........
he calls the lady in charge of the studio, tells her about me, says i sound like 2 angels or like 4 birds, says he's never done this sort of thing before.
she says i should put together something and overnight it.
i wrote up a short bio, mission statement, included a demo and futher contact info. found a friend to take me to fedex. almost mailed my credit card accidentally. it should be in illinois by 10:30 tomorrow morning. she's going to have danny listen to it on wednesday when she meets with him.
wow.
thanks justin and chris. thanks mum and dad. thanks siblings. like stephen said, this many lead nowhere; this may lead everywhere. either way, thanks for believing in me this much.
God's too good to me. and like stephen said (yes, he talks quite a bit :)) when God's ready to move, He moves. i've just got to be willing. i don't have to have everything in order. i didn't have everything in order today. i had to run to the library to type everything up then have the guts to ask for a ride (i often keep my mouth shut 'cause i'm afraid of inconveniencing others). thanks eric for being so gracious!
i'm in awe. i'm eating a late supper b/c i missed supper at 5.
i'm in a quartet singing "i john" by elvis. it's a great number. it's about john's vision of the 12 gates, etc. folks are in awe. the bass is a man. the rest of us are women. the lead girl can hit 2 "c"s below middle "c" i think. she's incredible. we sound like a group of men. it's hilarious! we start just a 1/2 step or a full step above the key elvis records it in.
okay. i could say more. it's been such a full day. pray for a girl by the name if maribeth. she had a seizure today. she's, unfortunately, accustomed to them. she's very self conscious about messing up, failing at something, looking odd. she's doing okay but she needs to see that she's only human and mistakes are just that, mistakes.
thank you God for grace and mercy!
i had my last lesson with stephen hill today. again, we talked for almost 45 minutes.
so, what are you going to do?
with what?
with that mechanics class you were talking about. common, what do you think i'm asking about?
oh music?
hahah. yeah, music.
well, i'd like to make it full time but i don't know. i also want to make time for writing.
you can write anywhere. you can write in the plane, in a motel....
.....
what church do you go to?
by his tone i knew he meant denomination. seventh day adventist.
i know a guy. danny.....what's his last name.
shelton?
yeah, you know him? you know about 3ABN?
yes.
i've worked with him before...
..........
he calls the lady in charge of the studio, tells her about me, says i sound like 2 angels or like 4 birds, says he's never done this sort of thing before.
she says i should put together something and overnight it.
i wrote up a short bio, mission statement, included a demo and futher contact info. found a friend to take me to fedex. almost mailed my credit card accidentally. it should be in illinois by 10:30 tomorrow morning. she's going to have danny listen to it on wednesday when she meets with him.
wow.
thanks justin and chris. thanks mum and dad. thanks siblings. like stephen said, this many lead nowhere; this may lead everywhere. either way, thanks for believing in me this much.
God's too good to me. and like stephen said (yes, he talks quite a bit :)) when God's ready to move, He moves. i've just got to be willing. i don't have to have everything in order. i didn't have everything in order today. i had to run to the library to type everything up then have the guts to ask for a ride (i often keep my mouth shut 'cause i'm afraid of inconveniencing others). thanks eric for being so gracious!
i'm in awe. i'm eating a late supper b/c i missed supper at 5.
i'm in a quartet singing "i john" by elvis. it's a great number. it's about john's vision of the 12 gates, etc. folks are in awe. the bass is a man. the rest of us are women. the lead girl can hit 2 "c"s below middle "c" i think. she's incredible. we sound like a group of men. it's hilarious! we start just a 1/2 step or a full step above the key elvis records it in.
okay. i could say more. it's been such a full day. pray for a girl by the name if maribeth. she had a seizure today. she's, unfortunately, accustomed to them. she's very self conscious about messing up, failing at something, looking odd. she's doing okay but she needs to see that she's only human and mistakes are just that, mistakes.
thank you God for grace and mercy!
24.7.05
it's racial
haha. do you think i'm about to discuss some injustice done me? well, i'm not. i'm actually about to talk more about southern gospel music.
i've been intrigued by the fact that i'm the darkest here but didn't want to ask anyone here for fear of offending, etc. i'm already not republican (something i will not ever say out loud) so i'd better watch what else i say. yesterday i spent many hours with folks my colour so i asked a few of them who are from here if they are familiar with the gaithers and all of that. one person asked, "who's bill gaither?" i was surprised. but then i quickly learned that southern gospel to black folks includes shirley ceaser, dottie peoples, the canton spirituals and other old heads like them. so that explains why i'm alone (though i don't want to make it seem as if i feel alone or anything like that. i'm fine. i'm secure in my minority status).
now i want to find out more of the history. why the separation? some of the black southern gospel singers have made appearances on the gaither homecoming videos. and hey, there's lynda randal. perhaps there will be even more crossover in the future. i dunno. but i can't see a bunch of black southerners hanging out here. in general, a black gospel choir doesn't get together with song books to learn music. someone sings or plays what the choir needs to learn and part by part, bit by bit, they learn it. i don't think there's any equivalent to shape notes in the black gospel culture. i think i'll do research when i get back home.
it's funny to hear people's reaction to me being from canada. they like southern gospel up there?
okay, i'm off to bed. it's after 9 and i am tired.
i've been intrigued by the fact that i'm the darkest here but didn't want to ask anyone here for fear of offending, etc. i'm already not republican (something i will not ever say out loud) so i'd better watch what else i say. yesterday i spent many hours with folks my colour so i asked a few of them who are from here if they are familiar with the gaithers and all of that. one person asked, "who's bill gaither?" i was surprised. but then i quickly learned that southern gospel to black folks includes shirley ceaser, dottie peoples, the canton spirituals and other old heads like them. so that explains why i'm alone (though i don't want to make it seem as if i feel alone or anything like that. i'm fine. i'm secure in my minority status).
now i want to find out more of the history. why the separation? some of the black southern gospel singers have made appearances on the gaither homecoming videos. and hey, there's lynda randal. perhaps there will be even more crossover in the future. i dunno. but i can't see a bunch of black southerners hanging out here. in general, a black gospel choir doesn't get together with song books to learn music. someone sings or plays what the choir needs to learn and part by part, bit by bit, they learn it. i don't think there's any equivalent to shape notes in the black gospel culture. i think i'll do research when i get back home.
it's funny to hear people's reaction to me being from canada. they like southern gospel up there?
okay, i'm off to bed. it's after 9 and i am tired.
i was
going to write something profound but i left my journal in my room. sorry. maybe next time :)
it's sunday afternoon and i'm relaxed. it's so nice. i find comfort in the knowledge that last week was a good week, a week well spent. i went to church yesterday and had a good time with church folk. today i've enjoyed much sleep and will continue to do so later on today. i plan on at least one nap and an early bedtime. i went to a church service this morning that was amazing. the preacher spoke straight from the word. he used the story of the young prophet who does God's work then meets an old prophet, listens to him, and dies. it s powerful example of how connected we need to stay to God and God alone. we need to make sure we can hear Him so that we can do His work not hinder it!
let me take a moment to talk about how clean this campus is. it's really clean.
and let me tell you how beautiful it is. it's really beautiful.
and let me tell you how trusting people are. i was in a practice room in the music building where there was a small cd player just chillin there. no, it wasn't locked down to anything. it wasn't left there accidentally. it belongs to the school. and it's just chillin. and no one will take it. they respect property here.
it amazes me.
anyway, i think i need to go for a walk and enjoy mother nature for a bit. then go a do some practicing and memorize the circle of fifths (i'll explain that only if you need me too...music theory stuff.)
till later...
it's sunday afternoon and i'm relaxed. it's so nice. i find comfort in the knowledge that last week was a good week, a week well spent. i went to church yesterday and had a good time with church folk. today i've enjoyed much sleep and will continue to do so later on today. i plan on at least one nap and an early bedtime. i went to a church service this morning that was amazing. the preacher spoke straight from the word. he used the story of the young prophet who does God's work then meets an old prophet, listens to him, and dies. it s powerful example of how connected we need to stay to God and God alone. we need to make sure we can hear Him so that we can do His work not hinder it!
let me take a moment to talk about how clean this campus is. it's really clean.
and let me tell you how beautiful it is. it's really beautiful.
and let me tell you how trusting people are. i was in a practice room in the music building where there was a small cd player just chillin there. no, it wasn't locked down to anything. it wasn't left there accidentally. it belongs to the school. and it's just chillin. and no one will take it. they respect property here.
it amazes me.
anyway, i think i need to go for a walk and enjoy mother nature for a bit. then go a do some practicing and memorize the circle of fifths (i'll explain that only if you need me too...music theory stuff.)
till later...
22.7.05
tired
i sang again tonight. before the program was over, i left with a couple of others to practice a song. i was kind of happy about that. it meant that i wouldn't have to walk out and be met by numerous people saying nice things about my song. it's not that i think it was bad. i just get overwhelmed by the positive feedback. yes, i'm grateful to know that people love what i do. i'm more concerned that they are blessed. a man told me today that what i sang yesterday was a blessing. his words almost made me cry. his words are what i'd longed to hear all day yesterday.
i sang from my heart. i opened up the wound of despair, the fear that blindness causes then moved to the place of hope. i sang His eye is on the sparrow. i believed every word. i sang like i was happy because i was. i am.
now i'm really tired. i just want an open field to sit in. i want an alberta sky to gaze on. i want to sit by the window on a rainy day and just reflect. i want absolute solitude.
it's great here though. i'm writing this from a cafe sort of area on the campus. some folks are also online. some are watching austin powers. others are playing pool and singing i'll fly away. it's great! it's a bizarre way to begin sabbath but it works somehow.
thank You God for this! it's where i need to be.
i sang from my heart. i opened up the wound of despair, the fear that blindness causes then moved to the place of hope. i sang His eye is on the sparrow. i believed every word. i sang like i was happy because i was. i am.
now i'm really tired. i just want an open field to sit in. i want an alberta sky to gaze on. i want to sit by the window on a rainy day and just reflect. i want absolute solitude.
it's great here though. i'm writing this from a cafe sort of area on the campus. some folks are also online. some are watching austin powers. others are playing pool and singing i'll fly away. it's great! it's a bizarre way to begin sabbath but it works somehow.
thank You God for this! it's where i need to be.
21.7.05
the truth
what is it you just have to do? what is it your life depends on? open up yourself and do it. don't worry about who's watching or if no one's watching or listening. whether you're in your car or bathroom or in front of 10,000, do it right. let it come out of you honestly.
let's make it personal:
i sing. i can choose to just sing, to get up on stage and do a few numbers and sit down. i can make a happy sound, use my chords well. i can make you proud to know me.
but
will you know that what i'm singing is really from me? will you see that as i sing about joy, i'm reliving the most joyful time i've known? as i sing about peace, will my peace reach out to you and cause you to rest? as i sing about pain, will you see my wounds opened once more, on display, not for glory but to simply let you know that yes, i've been there, it's real, it's honest, it's human, it's wretched, it's ugly...? when i sing about Jesus will you understand that whether or not i hit all the notes i practiced, He is real? and real to me? and here for you? loving you? and when i just want to calmly sing about love, will you hear it in me? will you know that it's more than words for me? will you understand it's depth?
or will it all be a bunch of noise meant for my self glorification and your temporary entertainment fix?
this was all the gist of the voice lesson i just had. we didn't sing. we didn't do breathing exercises or see how my tone is doing. stephen talked to me. he asked me why i sing. i got happy. i told him b/c i have to! i felt my excitement. he did too. and from there he talked to me for about 45 minutes about the fact that i must claim this. i must sing as if my life depends on it. i must make sure that come what may, the message of my song comes through like it's the last thing i or anyone will ever hear. like it's vital, air. i wish i could quote it all word for word. but trust me, i got the message. his passion ensured that i'd get it. he spoke to what i needed to hear. he told me a truth i needed someone in the field to tell me.
fear? if you claim it, there's no room for fear? you eat fear from breakfast! those are some of his words i clearly remember. if you're singing old mcdonald had a farm, i should smell the tractor fumes. he said that too. i get it. i really do.
i've sung from my heart before. and when those times are over, all i want to do is go out into a wide open space, far away from anyone else and talk to God, ask Him why i'm worthy of any good thing, ask Him why i'm allowed to be blessed by what i've just shared with others. i've never understood how after a pastor's preached his/her heart out, he/she goes to the foyer and shakes hands. i'd hop in my car and get as far away from people as i can.
i'm afraid of being overconfident. i'm afraid that compliments will get in the way. i want so much to be humble that i end up being proud of my humility. and then i subconsciously convince myself that to do any more with this gift would be too much. no, God can't possibly want me to take His gift any further. no. that would be crazy. i'm not supposed to be famous so i'll just not do much of anything. i won't use my voice much. no. i'll be very choosy. i'll sing only when all the stars are aligned.
i'm also afraid of the unknown. you may wonder why i'm afraid of this unknown when i have so many other unknowns that i'm not afraid of, like my writing. it doesn't scare me to know that i don't know when or if my book will ever be published. and you know why? because writing really isn't my number 1. it's number 2. so if i fail, it won't end my world. and if it takes me 10 years to make it well as a writer, i won't feel stupid. i'll just sit back and say, well, these things just take time.
but if i decide to sing as if my life depends on it, then i can't be a closet singer. i can't just lead out in song service. i can't just sing at special functions. i have to sing for my life. i have to take the messages God gives me through music and share them with as many people as i can. people wonder how in the world i can write all this personal stuff and let any and everybody read it. how do you do it? your brave? no, i just like talking about me b/c after spending so much time in my thoughts, i think i have good things to say that you would like to hear and hopefully learn from. it's not scary to know that complete strangers are reading this and they, along with friends and family may make all sorts of judgments about me based on all of this. it's not scary to know that you're getting to know me this way.
but it's scary to think that when i decide to sing as if my life depens on it, i may not always have a singing engagement. it may not always pay the bills. and it's scary to think that i may mess up. that i may be in the public eye and then do a stupid human thing like sin, do something that separates me from God and maybe encourages someone else to separate themself from God.
it's scary to know that while on one hand i can be God's vessel, on the other hand, i can be His enemy. and i know the power of music. i'm afraid of that power.
music is my first love. when i was a little girl, my first solo was a lullaby. i sat in a white dress my mother had made, holding my beautiful black doll, rocking her gently as i sung, say goodnight, little one, save some fun for tomorrow, with a bye bye to your light, for your light is sleepy too, all your toys are in bed, they are resting and sleeping, snuggle tight, say goodnight, for it's time you were sleeping too. i remember singing it through twice. it was a high point in my life. it proved to me that i could do it, that i could step away from the choir or ensemble and do it on my own.
since that moment, i've grown a lot. i've learned that doing it on my own isn't always a good thing. but if i must step away from the group and walk alone, then...i'll do it. because my life depends on it.
i could compare it to my sight. it's unknown scares me to tears sometimes but that doesn't stop me from taking in my surroundings. it doesn't stop me from going for walks or driving or mowing the lawn. i don't stop reading or put sanding and staining my table top just because i don't know. i don't know if i'll always see but i can't allow that to stop my life.
singing, letting others know about Jesus through music, is just about air to me. i can't allow what i don't know to ruin what i do...i've got to do this.
let's make it personal:
i sing. i can choose to just sing, to get up on stage and do a few numbers and sit down. i can make a happy sound, use my chords well. i can make you proud to know me.
but
will you know that what i'm singing is really from me? will you see that as i sing about joy, i'm reliving the most joyful time i've known? as i sing about peace, will my peace reach out to you and cause you to rest? as i sing about pain, will you see my wounds opened once more, on display, not for glory but to simply let you know that yes, i've been there, it's real, it's honest, it's human, it's wretched, it's ugly...? when i sing about Jesus will you understand that whether or not i hit all the notes i practiced, He is real? and real to me? and here for you? loving you? and when i just want to calmly sing about love, will you hear it in me? will you know that it's more than words for me? will you understand it's depth?
or will it all be a bunch of noise meant for my self glorification and your temporary entertainment fix?
this was all the gist of the voice lesson i just had. we didn't sing. we didn't do breathing exercises or see how my tone is doing. stephen talked to me. he asked me why i sing. i got happy. i told him b/c i have to! i felt my excitement. he did too. and from there he talked to me for about 45 minutes about the fact that i must claim this. i must sing as if my life depends on it. i must make sure that come what may, the message of my song comes through like it's the last thing i or anyone will ever hear. like it's vital, air. i wish i could quote it all word for word. but trust me, i got the message. his passion ensured that i'd get it. he spoke to what i needed to hear. he told me a truth i needed someone in the field to tell me.
fear? if you claim it, there's no room for fear? you eat fear from breakfast! those are some of his words i clearly remember. if you're singing old mcdonald had a farm, i should smell the tractor fumes. he said that too. i get it. i really do.
i've sung from my heart before. and when those times are over, all i want to do is go out into a wide open space, far away from anyone else and talk to God, ask Him why i'm worthy of any good thing, ask Him why i'm allowed to be blessed by what i've just shared with others. i've never understood how after a pastor's preached his/her heart out, he/she goes to the foyer and shakes hands. i'd hop in my car and get as far away from people as i can.
i'm afraid of being overconfident. i'm afraid that compliments will get in the way. i want so much to be humble that i end up being proud of my humility. and then i subconsciously convince myself that to do any more with this gift would be too much. no, God can't possibly want me to take His gift any further. no. that would be crazy. i'm not supposed to be famous so i'll just not do much of anything. i won't use my voice much. no. i'll be very choosy. i'll sing only when all the stars are aligned.
i'm also afraid of the unknown. you may wonder why i'm afraid of this unknown when i have so many other unknowns that i'm not afraid of, like my writing. it doesn't scare me to know that i don't know when or if my book will ever be published. and you know why? because writing really isn't my number 1. it's number 2. so if i fail, it won't end my world. and if it takes me 10 years to make it well as a writer, i won't feel stupid. i'll just sit back and say, well, these things just take time.
but if i decide to sing as if my life depends on it, then i can't be a closet singer. i can't just lead out in song service. i can't just sing at special functions. i have to sing for my life. i have to take the messages God gives me through music and share them with as many people as i can. people wonder how in the world i can write all this personal stuff and let any and everybody read it. how do you do it? your brave? no, i just like talking about me b/c after spending so much time in my thoughts, i think i have good things to say that you would like to hear and hopefully learn from. it's not scary to know that complete strangers are reading this and they, along with friends and family may make all sorts of judgments about me based on all of this. it's not scary to know that you're getting to know me this way.
but it's scary to think that when i decide to sing as if my life depens on it, i may not always have a singing engagement. it may not always pay the bills. and it's scary to think that i may mess up. that i may be in the public eye and then do a stupid human thing like sin, do something that separates me from God and maybe encourages someone else to separate themself from God.
it's scary to know that while on one hand i can be God's vessel, on the other hand, i can be His enemy. and i know the power of music. i'm afraid of that power.
music is my first love. when i was a little girl, my first solo was a lullaby. i sat in a white dress my mother had made, holding my beautiful black doll, rocking her gently as i sung, say goodnight, little one, save some fun for tomorrow, with a bye bye to your light, for your light is sleepy too, all your toys are in bed, they are resting and sleeping, snuggle tight, say goodnight, for it's time you were sleeping too. i remember singing it through twice. it was a high point in my life. it proved to me that i could do it, that i could step away from the choir or ensemble and do it on my own.
since that moment, i've grown a lot. i've learned that doing it on my own isn't always a good thing. but if i must step away from the group and walk alone, then...i'll do it. because my life depends on it.
i could compare it to my sight. it's unknown scares me to tears sometimes but that doesn't stop me from taking in my surroundings. it doesn't stop me from going for walks or driving or mowing the lawn. i don't stop reading or put sanding and staining my table top just because i don't know. i don't know if i'll always see but i can't allow that to stop my life.
singing, letting others know about Jesus through music, is just about air to me. i can't allow what i don't know to ruin what i do...i've got to do this.
excited...humbled...thrilled...slightly confused
southern gospel music is certainly more than meets the eye/ear. it's a culture i appreciate more now, i respect more now, i'm excited about more now...
i sang today during performance training. it's during this section that allison durham speer lets you sing then critiques you or critiques you while you're singing. i was really nervous. it's been so long since someone's really critiqued my singing and i don't record myself in performance so i have nothing to use for self critique (which i'm somewhat happy for b/c i hate hearing myself sometimes). i sat and waited for my turn. the more i waited, the more my nerves took over. smile. relax. think peacful thoughts. it's going to be fine. just have worship. just praise God in this place. just pretend this is a regular performance. but don't show off. don't think you're all that. be humble. you're here to learn.
thought after thought calmed me down then got my heart up to 85 mph (my favourite driving speed). i was glad that i got to go after so many others. i was second to last. i got to hear things that could help my performance. and then...
she introduced me, i walked onto the stage, mic in hand. the music began and i looked over the audience wondering if i should speak through the intro or just continue looking. then she stopped the music, asked me to come back down. i thought i'd done something wrong, walked wrong, looked wrong. (yesterday, a young girl who is sexy without trying and has a beautiful low voice, had a shirt that would come up just above her belt as she sang and just barely show her belly. allison got up there and pulled on her shirt as she sang her heart out. it was funny but also a bit embarrassing. i wore a long skirt with a top that clearly covered my belly but i kept on wondering if the skirt showed too much curve. it's a-lined and can't help but let you know i have a rear end. but it doesn't cling. how much should women do to ensure that men don't lust after our bodies? i know for a fact that i can be in a sack and still a man's thoughts go where they shouldn't. but anyway, i digress........)
allison said we should practice getting into position as the music plays. this made me happy. less time to have to look at the audience pretending/trying to connect without a fake smile. the music began again. i made my way up the steps and onto the stage, turned around with just enough time to look out, bring the mic to my mouth, and commence.
initially, i couldn't hear myself well in the monitor (this is why soundcheck is so vital! but not possible for these performances) so my first few notes didn't seem that stable to me. i dismissed the thought and kept on singing, reminding myself that i was simply up there to minister, not to show off, not to prove anything, not to simply give folks what they've waited for (when will the black girl sing? i'm the darkest thing here!). so i concentrated on the words, their meaning to my life, and gave it all my heart. my chords have been hurting since i haven't sung this much since my sophomore year of college and i haven't sung consistently and properly since high school. i was worried that even though the song is low (were it not for grace as sung by larnell harris), i would struggle with it. when i started hitting the highest notes and not feeling any strain, i couldn't help but praise God in my mind. my praise must have come through. people were blessed.
apparently i sound like lynda randal...surprise, surprise. i'm a woman, i sing low and i'm black. it's the easiest comparison. i'm not offended. i just don't think we sound the same. she has different colour in her voice...i think.
but that aside, allison gave me nothing but compliments. i was wishing for a negative. at least say i could do something better. i'll ask her tonight for more feedback. i must admit, however, that i'm so used to singing low and slow that the true test will come with a fast song. i'm honestly tired of hearing just positive. in order to grow i feel as if i need some harsh but constructive feedback.
so that's been part of my day so far. i'm so tired and i wish they'd give us an afternoon off. everyone seems a bit weary.
something fun: i went to lunch with a couple of guys from my theory class and a couple of girls from the neighboring theory class. there's a fabulous place called arnolds that has good southern cuisine. for 7 bucks i had some nice eats and also got a chance to get to know some folks a bit better. it's all about being real and loving people in spite of....and finding positive things to talk about. it's amazing how much energy we spend talking about the negative. for example, we spent a while in the blazing sun and dreadful humidity yesterday, getting ready for a group picture. as our shirts turned in colour from the ginormous amounts of sweat dripping down our sides, fronts and backs, folks started complaining, as is our natural tendency.
i challenge you with this. don't be natural. don't just do things just b/c. and don't think you're above that. just because you've left high school or college doesn't mean you no longer complain unnecessarily. if you can't control the situation, make the best of it. learn something through it.
don't be natural and just do a job b/c it pays your bills. don't be natural and just...
i sang today during performance training. it's during this section that allison durham speer lets you sing then critiques you or critiques you while you're singing. i was really nervous. it's been so long since someone's really critiqued my singing and i don't record myself in performance so i have nothing to use for self critique (which i'm somewhat happy for b/c i hate hearing myself sometimes). i sat and waited for my turn. the more i waited, the more my nerves took over. smile. relax. think peacful thoughts. it's going to be fine. just have worship. just praise God in this place. just pretend this is a regular performance. but don't show off. don't think you're all that. be humble. you're here to learn.
thought after thought calmed me down then got my heart up to 85 mph (my favourite driving speed). i was glad that i got to go after so many others. i was second to last. i got to hear things that could help my performance. and then...
she introduced me, i walked onto the stage, mic in hand. the music began and i looked over the audience wondering if i should speak through the intro or just continue looking. then she stopped the music, asked me to come back down. i thought i'd done something wrong, walked wrong, looked wrong. (yesterday, a young girl who is sexy without trying and has a beautiful low voice, had a shirt that would come up just above her belt as she sang and just barely show her belly. allison got up there and pulled on her shirt as she sang her heart out. it was funny but also a bit embarrassing. i wore a long skirt with a top that clearly covered my belly but i kept on wondering if the skirt showed too much curve. it's a-lined and can't help but let you know i have a rear end. but it doesn't cling. how much should women do to ensure that men don't lust after our bodies? i know for a fact that i can be in a sack and still a man's thoughts go where they shouldn't. but anyway, i digress........)
allison said we should practice getting into position as the music plays. this made me happy. less time to have to look at the audience pretending/trying to connect without a fake smile. the music began again. i made my way up the steps and onto the stage, turned around with just enough time to look out, bring the mic to my mouth, and commence.
initially, i couldn't hear myself well in the monitor (this is why soundcheck is so vital! but not possible for these performances) so my first few notes didn't seem that stable to me. i dismissed the thought and kept on singing, reminding myself that i was simply up there to minister, not to show off, not to prove anything, not to simply give folks what they've waited for (when will the black girl sing? i'm the darkest thing here!). so i concentrated on the words, their meaning to my life, and gave it all my heart. my chords have been hurting since i haven't sung this much since my sophomore year of college and i haven't sung consistently and properly since high school. i was worried that even though the song is low (were it not for grace as sung by larnell harris), i would struggle with it. when i started hitting the highest notes and not feeling any strain, i couldn't help but praise God in my mind. my praise must have come through. people were blessed.
apparently i sound like lynda randal...surprise, surprise. i'm a woman, i sing low and i'm black. it's the easiest comparison. i'm not offended. i just don't think we sound the same. she has different colour in her voice...i think.
but that aside, allison gave me nothing but compliments. i was wishing for a negative. at least say i could do something better. i'll ask her tonight for more feedback. i must admit, however, that i'm so used to singing low and slow that the true test will come with a fast song. i'm honestly tired of hearing just positive. in order to grow i feel as if i need some harsh but constructive feedback.
so that's been part of my day so far. i'm so tired and i wish they'd give us an afternoon off. everyone seems a bit weary.
something fun: i went to lunch with a couple of guys from my theory class and a couple of girls from the neighboring theory class. there's a fabulous place called arnolds that has good southern cuisine. for 7 bucks i had some nice eats and also got a chance to get to know some folks a bit better. it's all about being real and loving people in spite of....and finding positive things to talk about. it's amazing how much energy we spend talking about the negative. for example, we spent a while in the blazing sun and dreadful humidity yesterday, getting ready for a group picture. as our shirts turned in colour from the ginormous amounts of sweat dripping down our sides, fronts and backs, folks started complaining, as is our natural tendency.
i challenge you with this. don't be natural. don't just do things just b/c. and don't think you're above that. just because you've left high school or college doesn't mean you no longer complain unnecessarily. if you can't control the situation, make the best of it. learn something through it.
don't be natural and just do a job b/c it pays your bills. don't be natural and just...
20.7.05
this'll be short
people are waiting...
please ya'll. do what you love. it may take a while to get up and running but please, do what makes you glad to be alive. God wants that for us!! it's not selfish. it's called walking with God.
and also, when in the south, shut your mouth about being a democrat or hating Bush. 15 year olds here have strong positive opinions about the pres. it amazes me.
till later...
please ya'll. do what you love. it may take a while to get up and running but please, do what makes you glad to be alive. God wants that for us!! it's not selfish. it's called walking with God.
and also, when in the south, shut your mouth about being a democrat or hating Bush. 15 year olds here have strong positive opinions about the pres. it amazes me.
till later...
19.7.05
water
i'm not as drained as i was 24 hours ago. i've been drinking crazy amounts of water which i think has helped. maybe i'll have enough life in me in the morning to go for a walk before breakfast...that's been my desire since day one.
heard some really great music today. some nice simple beautiful stuff. and i've realized that since i sing so much in the lower register, singing the "a" (and up) above middle "c", as a regular alto would, is quite the challenge. do i try to change that? do i simply rest in my low and lovely?\
the rain comes down ever so lightly every now and then. i use an umbrella b/c that's what i'm used to but i could walk in the rain. it would hardly do anything. the warmth here is so cozy. maybe because of the horrid a/c inside.
i think i'll perform on thursday. i'm having a couple of tracks on tape recorded onto cd (for free) by mike evans, a wonderful rich bass singer who does everything with a smile.
i'm learning to be a humble performer and that being a humble performer is more than saying thank you and smiling kindly and gently. it's about making sure all i do is serve. let's say, for example, that i go to a church to do a concert. when i get there, once i've set up and put all my stuff in order, i need to ask, is there anything i can help you with? how can i be of assistance? and if the track stops mid song, instead of looking cross-eyed, i should simply carry on with all the love of God on my face and in my voice. and if i'm getting incredible feedback in the monitors, etc, all i should do is kindly say, is there something i can do to help that? or just keep on going.
it's about showing love in ALL things in ALL ways on ALL fronts on ALL days....... and not just because i'm getting paid!!!
water makes you think a bit straighter.
heard some really great music today. some nice simple beautiful stuff. and i've realized that since i sing so much in the lower register, singing the "a" (and up) above middle "c", as a regular alto would, is quite the challenge. do i try to change that? do i simply rest in my low and lovely?\
the rain comes down ever so lightly every now and then. i use an umbrella b/c that's what i'm used to but i could walk in the rain. it would hardly do anything. the warmth here is so cozy. maybe because of the horrid a/c inside.
i think i'll perform on thursday. i'm having a couple of tracks on tape recorded onto cd (for free) by mike evans, a wonderful rich bass singer who does everything with a smile.
i'm learning to be a humble performer and that being a humble performer is more than saying thank you and smiling kindly and gently. it's about making sure all i do is serve. let's say, for example, that i go to a church to do a concert. when i get there, once i've set up and put all my stuff in order, i need to ask, is there anything i can help you with? how can i be of assistance? and if the track stops mid song, instead of looking cross-eyed, i should simply carry on with all the love of God on my face and in my voice. and if i'm getting incredible feedback in the monitors, etc, all i should do is kindly say, is there something i can do to help that? or just keep on going.
it's about showing love in ALL things in ALL ways on ALL fronts on ALL days....... and not just because i'm getting paid!!!
water makes you think a bit straighter.
Honesty
The San Francisco 49ers were playing the Seahawks at Seattle’s home stadium on a mild Sunday night in October. Leaving my hotel room to take a stroll, I found an upscale, dimly lit corner restaurant where folks could eat while watching an entire wall of big-screen TVs. The noise from the West Coast fans poured from the TVs, through the restaurant’s open double-doors and onto the sidewalk, inviting me inside.
Leaning against a wall just inside the door, I caught a few minutes of the game. I watched Seattle fullback Shaun Alexander make a touchdown for the Seahawks. Pride swelled because Alexander had been a star running back for the University of Alabama and is also an outspoken man of faith. I was excited to see an Alabama native do well, and I wanted to tell somebody that I was practically related—just because we were both from Alabama.
A well-dressed man sat quietly on a stool opposite me, his gaze fixed on the game. His navy sport coat and slacks told me he had just left work, like me, and was there to unwind before bed. He smiled and nodded as I told him that Shaun Alexander was a ’Bama guy like me. Despite his nod, he did not answer. I assumed he was too tired to chat.
The next night I walked to the steakhouse behind my hotel for my take-out order. While waiting on a bench outside, I noticed out of the corner of my eye the same man from the previous night. Only this time he was not perched atop a stool. He was in a hurry.
What happened next made me embarrassed for him. Instead of being the businessman I thought he was, he began rummaging through the trash can in front of the restaurant.
After realizing this man was not the poised businessman he appeared to be, I considered a parallel about us as Christians. During a small group breakout session at church a few weeks later, a question was posed: Why don’t Christians witness more? Things like fear, intimidation and lack of theological training topped the list of reasons for our silence about God.
“Perhaps it’s because we Christians have so little to say,” said one.
The focus of a lot of modern evangelicalism has been to promote Jesus as the ultimate self-help sage, bringing inner peace and instant healing to all of our pain. But since most of us know how deeply we struggle with sin, how can we give a testimony that God has brought about a radical change in us with a straight face? One option is to keep our sin hidden so nobody knows that we still rummage through old trash cans of immorality from time to time. But is that really the right answer?
Looking back, I can see that I have been led to believe Jesus would not only forgive my sins, but that He would also make life easier, simply because I believed or followed the “right steps” as outlined in Scripture. I really didn’t expect to have the urge to rummage through some of the same garbage at this point in my life ; I expected to be dressed in respectability—not just on Sundays, but every day.
I’ve heard it said that I am the only Jesus many may ever see. That responsibility has been a difficult burden to carry because I know that Christ lived a sinless existence while I have not. Nobody will ever see Jesus this side of eternity, and if I am the only Jesus some may ever see, then I pray God will grant them blindness or ignorance to my sin so they don’t see how unlike Christ I really am at times. Christ said my righteousness had to exceed that of the scribes and Pharisees before I could see heaven (Matthew 5:20). That is interesting because Jesus used the Pharisees to show us how legalistically applied religion brings death rather than an intimate knowledge of God. Becoming real with ourselves and with Christ takes much work and much more pain than merely following rules.
Sin thrives in secrecy. The fear of coming clean and being honest with ourselves keeps most of us in quiet desperation. We are constantly attempting to match our exterior with who we are when the lights are out and nobody is around to see. Most of us try to keep the lights out or try to bring congruence between the external and internal before somebody turns on the lights and finds out we are liars.
Matthew 23:25 reads: "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence" (NAS). The verses following compare the Pharisees to beautiful white-washed tombs which may look good on the outside but inside contain empty bones and decay. Jesus had this to say in verse 28: "So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."
Jesus told the Pharisees to clean the inside of the cup (our hearts) before cleaning the outside (verse 26). Does this mean the inside of our cups (our hearts) must be cleaned to perfection before we can testify? No! We need not fear that we aren’t highly equipped to engage another person in a theological or religious debate. We need not fear our imperfection. Our mission is simply to testify to the forgiveness and grace in Christ that we have experienced thus far and the hope we have in Christ of continued healing and grace.
The world has seen plenty who profess miraculous deliveries from sin only to flame out later. They do not need to hear stories that are “too good to be true.” We owe it to them to show the real “us” and how the Lord’s grace is changing us and healing our brokenness. Let us not present our Christianity as self-help or a means to perfection, but rather as the grace that Christ is to us on the journey of this life.
[Alan Matthews is from Alabama and can’t wait until the start of football season.]
From Relevant magazine's weekly 850 email.
Leaning against a wall just inside the door, I caught a few minutes of the game. I watched Seattle fullback Shaun Alexander make a touchdown for the Seahawks. Pride swelled because Alexander had been a star running back for the University of Alabama and is also an outspoken man of faith. I was excited to see an Alabama native do well, and I wanted to tell somebody that I was practically related—just because we were both from Alabama.
A well-dressed man sat quietly on a stool opposite me, his gaze fixed on the game. His navy sport coat and slacks told me he had just left work, like me, and was there to unwind before bed. He smiled and nodded as I told him that Shaun Alexander was a ’Bama guy like me. Despite his nod, he did not answer. I assumed he was too tired to chat.
The next night I walked to the steakhouse behind my hotel for my take-out order. While waiting on a bench outside, I noticed out of the corner of my eye the same man from the previous night. Only this time he was not perched atop a stool. He was in a hurry.
What happened next made me embarrassed for him. Instead of being the businessman I thought he was, he began rummaging through the trash can in front of the restaurant.
After realizing this man was not the poised businessman he appeared to be, I considered a parallel about us as Christians. During a small group breakout session at church a few weeks later, a question was posed: Why don’t Christians witness more? Things like fear, intimidation and lack of theological training topped the list of reasons for our silence about God.
“Perhaps it’s because we Christians have so little to say,” said one.
The focus of a lot of modern evangelicalism has been to promote Jesus as the ultimate self-help sage, bringing inner peace and instant healing to all of our pain. But since most of us know how deeply we struggle with sin, how can we give a testimony that God has brought about a radical change in us with a straight face? One option is to keep our sin hidden so nobody knows that we still rummage through old trash cans of immorality from time to time. But is that really the right answer?
Looking back, I can see that I have been led to believe Jesus would not only forgive my sins, but that He would also make life easier, simply because I believed or followed the “right steps” as outlined in Scripture. I really didn’t expect to have the urge to rummage through some of the same garbage at this point in my life ; I expected to be dressed in respectability—not just on Sundays, but every day.
I’ve heard it said that I am the only Jesus many may ever see. That responsibility has been a difficult burden to carry because I know that Christ lived a sinless existence while I have not. Nobody will ever see Jesus this side of eternity, and if I am the only Jesus some may ever see, then I pray God will grant them blindness or ignorance to my sin so they don’t see how unlike Christ I really am at times. Christ said my righteousness had to exceed that of the scribes and Pharisees before I could see heaven (Matthew 5:20). That is interesting because Jesus used the Pharisees to show us how legalistically applied religion brings death rather than an intimate knowledge of God. Becoming real with ourselves and with Christ takes much work and much more pain than merely following rules.
Sin thrives in secrecy. The fear of coming clean and being honest with ourselves keeps most of us in quiet desperation. We are constantly attempting to match our exterior with who we are when the lights are out and nobody is around to see. Most of us try to keep the lights out or try to bring congruence between the external and internal before somebody turns on the lights and finds out we are liars.
Matthew 23:25 reads: "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence" (NAS). The verses following compare the Pharisees to beautiful white-washed tombs which may look good on the outside but inside contain empty bones and decay. Jesus had this to say in verse 28: "So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."
Jesus told the Pharisees to clean the inside of the cup (our hearts) before cleaning the outside (verse 26). Does this mean the inside of our cups (our hearts) must be cleaned to perfection before we can testify? No! We need not fear that we aren’t highly equipped to engage another person in a theological or religious debate. We need not fear our imperfection. Our mission is simply to testify to the forgiveness and grace in Christ that we have experienced thus far and the hope we have in Christ of continued healing and grace.
The world has seen plenty who profess miraculous deliveries from sin only to flame out later. They do not need to hear stories that are “too good to be true.” We owe it to them to show the real “us” and how the Lord’s grace is changing us and healing our brokenness. Let us not present our Christianity as self-help or a means to perfection, but rather as the grace that Christ is to us on the journey of this life.
[Alan Matthews is from Alabama and can’t wait until the start of football season.]
From Relevant magazine's weekly 850 email.
18.7.05
nashville -- day 2
southern accents are fabulous! along with the word choices. "i might could pick it all up if i tried."
day 2 has been good but i'm even more draining so i'll try for an earlier bed time. i had my first voice lesson today. stephen is fun and i know i'll learn a lot. i had my first theory class. have you ever learned shape notes? each note (do re mi fa sol la ti do) is written as a shape with a stem. and "do" isn't always "c" unless you chose to use fixed shape notes (which we don't choose to do here which makes it harder for me because i'm so visual i want to see "do" in the "c" position!). so "do" is the note of whatever scale where using. for example, if we're in the key of "f" then "do" is "f". it's fun and crazy all at the same time.
the food is great. there are fresh buns at supper time that are just lovely (i think it's the sugar in them) and this morning i had biscuits and gravy!!!!! can i say YUM?! and chicken steak...have you ever had it? apparently it's steak fried like chicken. lovely! the only food thing i can't quite get used to is all the black pepper...
southern hospitality is great. and i hear the word "great" a lot. all the "yes sirs" and "yes ma'ams" are so darling. and "bless your heart" is hilarious. you can say whatever you want to someone as long as you end it with "bless your heart" for example, "your song was horrible, bless your heart" :) and i'm really struggling not to sound like a mimic.
i saw allison durham up close and personal today! oh what a voice! she's a good critic for performance training. i hope to sing on wednesday and be told what's not and what is. it'll be very good for me.
but all this light-hearted thought aside, being here reminds me to be real, to admit what's not and what is, to have heart, to give my heart...to have the faith to jump.
in worship this morning i heard something particularly interesting. we often look at all our imperfections, doubting that anything can be right. sometimes when we criticize ourselves it's as if we're telling God "you didn't do a very good job."
yes, it's good to admit that we're a mess. but the conversations can't stop there. we can't afford that. God didn't make any old thing when He created us. life has been crazy and we've messed up.
BUT
claim the but! ( i know that sounds crazy, but...)
day 2 has been good but i'm even more draining so i'll try for an earlier bed time. i had my first voice lesson today. stephen is fun and i know i'll learn a lot. i had my first theory class. have you ever learned shape notes? each note (do re mi fa sol la ti do) is written as a shape with a stem. and "do" isn't always "c" unless you chose to use fixed shape notes (which we don't choose to do here which makes it harder for me because i'm so visual i want to see "do" in the "c" position!). so "do" is the note of whatever scale where using. for example, if we're in the key of "f" then "do" is "f". it's fun and crazy all at the same time.
the food is great. there are fresh buns at supper time that are just lovely (i think it's the sugar in them) and this morning i had biscuits and gravy!!!!! can i say YUM?! and chicken steak...have you ever had it? apparently it's steak fried like chicken. lovely! the only food thing i can't quite get used to is all the black pepper...
southern hospitality is great. and i hear the word "great" a lot. all the "yes sirs" and "yes ma'ams" are so darling. and "bless your heart" is hilarious. you can say whatever you want to someone as long as you end it with "bless your heart" for example, "your song was horrible, bless your heart" :) and i'm really struggling not to sound like a mimic.
i saw allison durham up close and personal today! oh what a voice! she's a good critic for performance training. i hope to sing on wednesday and be told what's not and what is. it'll be very good for me.
but all this light-hearted thought aside, being here reminds me to be real, to admit what's not and what is, to have heart, to give my heart...to have the faith to jump.
in worship this morning i heard something particularly interesting. we often look at all our imperfections, doubting that anything can be right. sometimes when we criticize ourselves it's as if we're telling God "you didn't do a very good job."
yes, it's good to admit that we're a mess. but the conversations can't stop there. we can't afford that. God didn't make any old thing when He created us. life has been crazy and we've messed up.
BUT
claim the but! ( i know that sounds crazy, but...)
17.7.05
nashville - day 1
i didn't get any sleep last night so at minutes to 8 at night, i'm more than exhausted! i don't even know how to describe this. as i waited to board the plane this morning, i began journaling my emotions. i was conflicted. i hate leaving home in a rush. i like to have everything in order and time to breath before i leave. and having been gone already this summer twice, this morning felt wrong for various reasons. but after writing and writing and writing some more, i realized the main reason from my angst: i was venturing off to confront my greatest fear. that's what the pursuit of music is for me. and even though i'm here to learn, i can't help but think of the possible doors this will open on a professional level. THAT scares me. i want music but i don't want all that comes with it, necessarily. music is the one thing i've always loved. it's my earliest memory of what makes me smile inside.
i'm glad, very glad that i decided to come, that i took hold of the opportunity given me to make this trip (yay for parents!). and most of all, i'm understanding the contentment that comes when you step out into some unknown (only because you know God wants you to) and you reach a point of peace. you don't necessarily now know why exactly you're where you are but you know it's right. you know 10000000% that it's right. it's not a happiness. it's somewhat beyond that. and i'm not even sure of what joy is exactly so i don't want to use that word to describe this. all i know is that
i
am
where
i
need
to
be
my lovely roommate's name is allison. she's a singer/actor from toronto. i've also met two teenage girls from cali and a teenage boy from illinois. and then there's ben speer, his son, his sister, and other family members all so chill with their lovely southern accents. the sponge in me will pick it up for sure and have to concentrate quite hard not to sound like a mimic.
the dorm rooms are tiny but not much different from AU. how did i ever live in that space?
it's hot but the air conditioned buildings are gross. i hate AC. yes, i HATE AC. it provides a horrible chill. it's so unnatural. they need to create natural ACs. i'm afraid of catching a cold. i've already sneezed.
anyway, the campus is lovely. it's trevecca nazarene university. i've seen 2 more black people. am i in tennesee or alberta? hee hee.
and oh, for those of you who are familiar with bill gaither and all his southern gospel singing friends, allison durham (she sings "he's worthy, God's worthy, almighty, creator, alpha, omega, beginning and the end.....") who's voice i absolutely love and who i would one day love to wail like, is the performance training coach!! oh yeah! i'm on my way to heaven!! so aside from the 5 voice lessons i'll have from stephen hill, i'll get all this time with ms durham (not necessarily one on one but who cares?) and i know i'll learn some great stuff.
well, it's time to go. when i figure out my phone number i'll let you know (via email that is). i've got to go make my bed and figure out where to iron and all of that jazz. and then, it's bed! i need sleep like...i was going to make a comparison but could only think of very negative mean ones so i'll just stick to the fact that i need sleep.
oh yeah, we have curfew. 11pm! trust me, it's a good thing. i'll finally be on a good sleep schedule. i'll wake with the birds and walk before 7 am breakfast. i'm feelin better already.
till later...
i'm glad, very glad that i decided to come, that i took hold of the opportunity given me to make this trip (yay for parents!). and most of all, i'm understanding the contentment that comes when you step out into some unknown (only because you know God wants you to) and you reach a point of peace. you don't necessarily now know why exactly you're where you are but you know it's right. you know 10000000% that it's right. it's not a happiness. it's somewhat beyond that. and i'm not even sure of what joy is exactly so i don't want to use that word to describe this. all i know is that
i
am
where
i
need
to
be
my lovely roommate's name is allison. she's a singer/actor from toronto. i've also met two teenage girls from cali and a teenage boy from illinois. and then there's ben speer, his son, his sister, and other family members all so chill with their lovely southern accents. the sponge in me will pick it up for sure and have to concentrate quite hard not to sound like a mimic.
the dorm rooms are tiny but not much different from AU. how did i ever live in that space?
it's hot but the air conditioned buildings are gross. i hate AC. yes, i HATE AC. it provides a horrible chill. it's so unnatural. they need to create natural ACs. i'm afraid of catching a cold. i've already sneezed.
anyway, the campus is lovely. it's trevecca nazarene university. i've seen 2 more black people. am i in tennesee or alberta? hee hee.
and oh, for those of you who are familiar with bill gaither and all his southern gospel singing friends, allison durham (she sings "he's worthy, God's worthy, almighty, creator, alpha, omega, beginning and the end.....") who's voice i absolutely love and who i would one day love to wail like, is the performance training coach!! oh yeah! i'm on my way to heaven!! so aside from the 5 voice lessons i'll have from stephen hill, i'll get all this time with ms durham (not necessarily one on one but who cares?) and i know i'll learn some great stuff.
well, it's time to go. when i figure out my phone number i'll let you know (via email that is). i've got to go make my bed and figure out where to iron and all of that jazz. and then, it's bed! i need sleep like...i was going to make a comparison but could only think of very negative mean ones so i'll just stick to the fact that i need sleep.
oh yeah, we have curfew. 11pm! trust me, it's a good thing. i'll finally be on a good sleep schedule. i'll wake with the birds and walk before 7 am breakfast. i'm feelin better already.
till later...
16.7.05
Ephesians 6:10-18
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
so far removed
i've often wondered why i don't feel when things crumble. certain pain just doesn't hurt me. it has to be close, not close in proximity but close in memory. hotel rwanda hurt b/c it reminded me of liberia. 9/11 didn't do much. the london bombs didn't do much.
i wish i could feel pain beyond my memory, but i'm so far removed. so far, i'm not connected. so far, i'm somewhat safely distant enough to not worry. that knowledge confuses me.
i wish i could feel pain beyond my memory, but i'm so far removed. so far, i'm not connected. so far, i'm somewhat safely distant enough to not worry. that knowledge confuses me.
14.7.05
for crying out loud
if we hadn't been exposed
if we hadn't traveled so far away from birth places at such young ages
if we hadn't been told
if we hadn't heard that anything we touch can become gold or at least something precious
if we hadn't been praised
if we hadn't reveled in the knowledge of jobs well done, songs well sung
if we hadn't been loved
if we hadn't known God
the now would be hated
the gone would be hated
the next would be feared like pending death
instead we've been
instead we have options
marry this. live there. want that. grow here.
nothing's fashionable. everything's changeable. we ARE the world and the world is just another option.
we've been taught to know but yet to not
yet some have the nerve to tell us what
is true
we're so confused
and we know that but we keep on listening
cause we're always hoping
that we'll finally hear
what we've always needed
and we'll snap our fingers
and we'll be right where
we've always needed to be
and the world will be ok
and our hearts will be ok
but since when was this earth heaven?
if we hadn't traveled so far away from birth places at such young ages
if we hadn't been told
if we hadn't heard that anything we touch can become gold or at least something precious
if we hadn't been praised
if we hadn't reveled in the knowledge of jobs well done, songs well sung
if we hadn't been loved
if we hadn't known God
the now would be hated
the gone would be hated
the next would be feared like pending death
instead we've been
instead we have options
marry this. live there. want that. grow here.
nothing's fashionable. everything's changeable. we ARE the world and the world is just another option.
we've been taught to know but yet to not
yet some have the nerve to tell us what
is true
we're so confused
and we know that but we keep on listening
cause we're always hoping
that we'll finally hear
what we've always needed
and we'll snap our fingers
and we'll be right where
we've always needed to be
and the world will be ok
and our hearts will be ok
but since when was this earth heaven?
bad lookin
this is what should happen when you spend too much time looking at something you shouldn't be looking at.
your eyes should pain you like someone's reached into your head, behind your eyes, grabbed hold of your optic nerves (or whatever's back there) and is gently but cruelly holding them captive between fingers, patient fingers, fingers willing to hold on for hours.
and the pain seeps into your forehead and spreads out to your temples. it rests all around there. chills out like it's spring break or something.
but all i did was drive 4 hours.
my eyes are weaker these days, can't stand to concentrate so long, so hard.
i sound 75. i'm only 26.
but no, this doesn't happen when you've spent too much time looking at something you shouldn't be looking at. those consequences aren't so quickly recognized.
your eyes should pain you like someone's reached into your head, behind your eyes, grabbed hold of your optic nerves (or whatever's back there) and is gently but cruelly holding them captive between fingers, patient fingers, fingers willing to hold on for hours.
and the pain seeps into your forehead and spreads out to your temples. it rests all around there. chills out like it's spring break or something.
but all i did was drive 4 hours.
my eyes are weaker these days, can't stand to concentrate so long, so hard.
i sound 75. i'm only 26.
but no, this doesn't happen when you've spent too much time looking at something you shouldn't be looking at. those consequences aren't so quickly recognized.
13.7.05
what would you
say no to in order to be happy?
could you just be happy in order to say no?
why not just give up your notion of happy?
sing a song you've never heard before...
"sometimes words just jump into your head
you don't know what they mean but somehow they make sense..."
could you just be happy in order to say no?
why not just give up your notion of happy?
sing a song you've never heard before...
"sometimes words just jump into your head
you don't know what they mean but somehow they make sense..."
11.7.05
clearing out, finding blessings
i'm spending more time than i wish (dialup) clearing out my inbox. each time i do this, i come across an email from a friend that i need to respond to but words escape me. in her email, she tells me what a blessing i've been to her in the short time we've known each other. never do i read the email and think oh, of course. instead, i just look at the subject line and say wow, wondering, each time, how in the world God is able to use me like that.
7.7.05
really?
is it all so simple? is there really no gray area?
yes.
i told God i'd do whatever and i meant it and still mean it. whatever. wherever. whenever. however. no matter how daunting or unrealistic it seems to be. even if my stomach is filled with butterflies all the way through it. even if i think it's crazy initially. if i believe it's His desire for me, i'm going to do it.
so i'm going to nashville for 2 weeks to improve my music skills. and because i'm so often against doing things the "popular" way, something in me says, nashville? really? and i get all flustered.
yet i know i'll have a good time because it's God's time.
yes.
i told God i'd do whatever and i meant it and still mean it. whatever. wherever. whenever. however. no matter how daunting or unrealistic it seems to be. even if my stomach is filled with butterflies all the way through it. even if i think it's crazy initially. if i believe it's His desire for me, i'm going to do it.
so i'm going to nashville for 2 weeks to improve my music skills. and because i'm so often against doing things the "popular" way, something in me says, nashville? really? and i get all flustered.
yet i know i'll have a good time because it's God's time.
4.7.05
the blessed haze
the haze on my possible prostitution calms me, brings me down many notches to a point on my life map i cannot find
too many clouds
i just can't do it, can't get paid for my gifts when they're not being used correctly, efficiently, effectively, cloud trillion
call me crazy
i'm not experiencing confusion because i know what i shouldn't do and just have to come to terms with what i should
this is simple
He's let me go so far but not all the way, let me spread my wings but not all day. He sees that somewhere within this crazy sin kept child there is some good left for His glory
here's my story
i say here take me use me break me, mould me Your will not mine Your way not mine
but i still have an agenda
what i haven't meant with all these words, what i haven't really said in my heart amidst in all my pious rhetoric is
i'll do whatever
dissatisfaction rocks my boat
again
i will now walk the certain road
the end
too many clouds
i just can't do it, can't get paid for my gifts when they're not being used correctly, efficiently, effectively, cloud trillion
call me crazy
i'm not experiencing confusion because i know what i shouldn't do and just have to come to terms with what i should
this is simple
He's let me go so far but not all the way, let me spread my wings but not all day. He sees that somewhere within this crazy sin kept child there is some good left for His glory
here's my story
i say here take me use me break me, mould me Your will not mine Your way not mine
but i still have an agenda
what i haven't meant with all these words, what i haven't really said in my heart amidst in all my pious rhetoric is
i'll do whatever
dissatisfaction rocks my boat
again
i will now walk the certain road
the end
28.6.05
27.6.05
i feel like or as if
i got a piece of "knowing" -- the kind that is relational, involves two people, real conversation and simple knowledge. i know, i'm being a bit vague but i know what i'm talking about and it's good times :)
no list
just knowledge
and happy memories
the wedding was wonderful. the bride is a close friend, the first of a circle from high school. i felt as if "we" were getting married, and as if the circle just got a brother. and he's lovely and it's simple. just love.
woo hoo!
i danced like it was going out of style -- clean dancing -- group dancing -- increase the metabolism dancing...
no list
just knowledge
and happy memories
the wedding was wonderful. the bride is a close friend, the first of a circle from high school. i felt as if "we" were getting married, and as if the circle just got a brother. and he's lovely and it's simple. just love.
woo hoo!
i danced like it was going out of style -- clean dancing -- group dancing -- increase the metabolism dancing...
18.6.05
before i nap
i thought it'd be more than appropriate to discuss my morning.
i got to sing. it passed so quickly. all of a sudden we were sitting in the pews.
why do good moments pass like that?
i was part of a praise and worship team at a contemporary church, you know, the kind of church many traditionals take issue with because, oh my, people are standing with their hands in the air as they sing. and, oh no, there's a drum beat.
but foowee (or however you spell it) it was a blessing and i'd do it every Sabbath if i could.
there are a few things i'll give up in order to sing. they are, in no particular order:
sleep
money
breakfast (if i reeeaaaally have to)
but only for good music and for good causes with good people with me.
yup. that's my profound thought for the day.
i got to sing. it passed so quickly. all of a sudden we were sitting in the pews.
why do good moments pass like that?
i was part of a praise and worship team at a contemporary church, you know, the kind of church many traditionals take issue with because, oh my, people are standing with their hands in the air as they sing. and, oh no, there's a drum beat.
but foowee (or however you spell it) it was a blessing and i'd do it every Sabbath if i could.
there are a few things i'll give up in order to sing. they are, in no particular order:
sleep
money
breakfast (if i reeeaaaally have to)
but only for good music and for good causes with good people with me.
yup. that's my profound thought for the day.
16.6.05
should we stay?
sda education has its + and its -
so we stay?
should we stay?
i'm torn when it comes to my younger siblings. their first year of university will be sda. after that...i want to encourage them to go somewhere else, somewhere non-sda. allow them to taste the outside, the place we're supposed to go but not be like, the place we're often afraid of because all we know is sda ghettos.
so we stay?
should we stay?
i'm torn when it comes to my younger siblings. their first year of university will be sda. after that...i want to encourage them to go somewhere else, somewhere non-sda. allow them to taste the outside, the place we're supposed to go but not be like, the place we're often afraid of because all we know is sda ghettos.
14.6.05
things left unspoken
build up
then explode
fear
ties tongues
then breaks hearts
but like some money says
in God i trust
then explode
fear
ties tongues
then breaks hearts
but like some money says
in God i trust
13.6.05
peace comes in dying...to self, not from the task
when you know that what you say to someone will absolutely crush them, and when you know that you must say it anyway, but you don't want to because even though you hate the actions, you love the person, but you have to say it because God told you to let Him use you to ensure that person's salvation, there's just no easy way...
and it's not about you. you remember clearly when you crushed someone and it was all about you. you remember when you spoke your mind just to save yourself. but this time it's different. you're not saving (because you don't have those powers) but you're a God-vessel, you're a messenger of truth. you're drinking of the endless river you say others should try. the water's bitter. you gag at the smell. and your mum's not around to ease anything.
aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this sucks!
but you've been prepared to deal with it. you've been strengthened even though you feel weaker than you did yesterday. and tomorrow may not bring may flowers (since it's june) but time will heal if you let it because you were created to love and God is...
and love makes things alright somehow in time.
and it's not about you. you remember clearly when you crushed someone and it was all about you. you remember when you spoke your mind just to save yourself. but this time it's different. you're not saving (because you don't have those powers) but you're a God-vessel, you're a messenger of truth. you're drinking of the endless river you say others should try. the water's bitter. you gag at the smell. and your mum's not around to ease anything.
aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this sucks!
but you've been prepared to deal with it. you've been strengthened even though you feel weaker than you did yesterday. and tomorrow may not bring may flowers (since it's june) but time will heal if you let it because you were created to love and God is...
and love makes things alright somehow in time.
12.6.05
i'm reconsidering
sleep...once again.
i'd rather be tired. and yes, i've fully diagnosed my problem but i won't take the time to detail it here. i'll just say that this song i'm listening to right now helps me realize my problem even more.
a mi manera...i did it my way
doing things my way has never sounded better than when il divo sings about it. and if i could do things my way right now, i'd pack my book bag with my pencil case (which holds a couple of pens, a couple of pencils--mechanical and regular--a pencil sharpener, an eraser), 2 journals, blank sheets of paper, index cards, my tape recorder, a couple of blank cassettes, my laptop, 2 usb mass storage devices, headphones, my nikon manual camera, my point and shoot, 10 rolls of 400 iso film (a few b&w), my black slimline bible, pocket dictionary, driver's license, credit card, passport, a nice handful of cash, a few pieces of fancy paper to use as "thank you" cards...i think that might be all.
next i'd put on my uic sweatshirt, leave on my grey sweat pants, grab a fleece, put on my socks and sneakers, grab my umbrella, jump in a car, any car, and start driving. no music. the windows cracked just a little so that i stay awake. i'd drive until i see something i've never seen before. i'd stop there and take a nap or explore it through words (depending on the time of day).
i'd keep doing this until i want nothing more than a "regular" routine.
right now nothing's hazy but nothing's 100%. can you feel me on that? i'm not sinking in the fear that uncertainty brings but i sort of feel as if i'm floating. i don't mind it.
that's why i avoid sleep. but that's not the full reason. that i won't detail here.
my younger siblings just graduated from high school. i should be happy. but instead i'm just tired...
i'd rather be tired. and yes, i've fully diagnosed my problem but i won't take the time to detail it here. i'll just say that this song i'm listening to right now helps me realize my problem even more.
a mi manera...i did it my way
doing things my way has never sounded better than when il divo sings about it. and if i could do things my way right now, i'd pack my book bag with my pencil case (which holds a couple of pens, a couple of pencils--mechanical and regular--a pencil sharpener, an eraser), 2 journals, blank sheets of paper, index cards, my tape recorder, a couple of blank cassettes, my laptop, 2 usb mass storage devices, headphones, my nikon manual camera, my point and shoot, 10 rolls of 400 iso film (a few b&w), my black slimline bible, pocket dictionary, driver's license, credit card, passport, a nice handful of cash, a few pieces of fancy paper to use as "thank you" cards...i think that might be all.
next i'd put on my uic sweatshirt, leave on my grey sweat pants, grab a fleece, put on my socks and sneakers, grab my umbrella, jump in a car, any car, and start driving. no music. the windows cracked just a little so that i stay awake. i'd drive until i see something i've never seen before. i'd stop there and take a nap or explore it through words (depending on the time of day).
i'd keep doing this until i want nothing more than a "regular" routine.
right now nothing's hazy but nothing's 100%. can you feel me on that? i'm not sinking in the fear that uncertainty brings but i sort of feel as if i'm floating. i don't mind it.
that's why i avoid sleep. but that's not the full reason. that i won't detail here.
my younger siblings just graduated from high school. i should be happy. but instead i'm just tired...
7.6.05
what if a break is good?
i'm in charge of a young adult ministry. nothing's happened since march-ish. i take the blame but it's not as if people are knocking down my door or tying up my phone line asking what the deal is.
i was just visited by this thought: what if nothing happens until august? what if we take a break for the summer?
hmm....i've never thought of that before. what a concept. a break...for the summer...
but since we started in january and didn't do anything until february and then march, a break seems a bit lame, you know what i mean?
but since it's a new ministry and things like this take a while to really get up and running, perhaps a break is a good thing(?)
i've been asking God for guidance and i believe He's answered. i'm simply impatient and though i'd rather be a good follower than a leader, i know this is what He wants me to do. so i'm trying.
and yes, friend, i'm waiting on Him...thanks for the reminder.
i was just visited by this thought: what if nothing happens until august? what if we take a break for the summer?
hmm....i've never thought of that before. what a concept. a break...for the summer...
but since we started in january and didn't do anything until february and then march, a break seems a bit lame, you know what i mean?
but since it's a new ministry and things like this take a while to really get up and running, perhaps a break is a good thing(?)
i've been asking God for guidance and i believe He's answered. i'm simply impatient and though i'd rather be a good follower than a leader, i know this is what He wants me to do. so i'm trying.
and yes, friend, i'm waiting on Him...thanks for the reminder.
classical music
lulled us, but not to sleep.
we sat, we three black siblings, eating our tomato soup with crackers in it and biscuits on the side. we sat in silence because classical sounds have that affect on we three black siblings. it doesn't excite us to converse.
i broke the silence.
did you guys know that folks in the south eat rice with sugar?
what? really? why?
i dunno. that's what i found out from a southerner.
who eats rice with sugar? do they sprinkle it on top?
i dunno how it's done but they do it.
weird
yup
and then we talked about other things...above the classical lull...
we sat, we three black siblings, eating our tomato soup with crackers in it and biscuits on the side. we sat in silence because classical sounds have that affect on we three black siblings. it doesn't excite us to converse.
i broke the silence.
did you guys know that folks in the south eat rice with sugar?
what? really? why?
i dunno. that's what i found out from a southerner.
who eats rice with sugar? do they sprinkle it on top?
i dunno how it's done but they do it.
weird
yup
and then we talked about other things...above the classical lull...
6.6.05
i'm reconsidering...
the way i relate to sleep.
i've always wanted to be in the know. but i never want to have to ask. just want to be told. so when i sleep, unless there's something in particular i want to ponder ASAP, i think of sleep as an inconvenience. why must i lie there, close my eyes, drift off into la la land? why can't i stay awake and watch the world?
lately i've been getting to bed by midnight. most nights i have no good excuse. but there hasn't been anything i'm escaping from, no reality i desire nothing more than to dismiss even if for only 7 hours. everything i want to ponder, i want to write down on paper. if i could write in my sleep, i'd sleep all day!
so i need to rethink sleep. which means rethinking how i care for my body.
my health demands my sleep. do i care to be healthy? do i care to add years to my life?
my productivity demands my sleep. how much work in one day is enough work for that day?
my vertical connection demands my sleep. i'm tired of waking up, checking the clock, then running to the shower. can we get a few moments together first?
i'm reconsidering sleep
i'm reconsidering life
i've always wanted to be in the know. but i never want to have to ask. just want to be told. so when i sleep, unless there's something in particular i want to ponder ASAP, i think of sleep as an inconvenience. why must i lie there, close my eyes, drift off into la la land? why can't i stay awake and watch the world?
lately i've been getting to bed by midnight. most nights i have no good excuse. but there hasn't been anything i'm escaping from, no reality i desire nothing more than to dismiss even if for only 7 hours. everything i want to ponder, i want to write down on paper. if i could write in my sleep, i'd sleep all day!
so i need to rethink sleep. which means rethinking how i care for my body.
my health demands my sleep. do i care to be healthy? do i care to add years to my life?
my productivity demands my sleep. how much work in one day is enough work for that day?
my vertical connection demands my sleep. i'm tired of waking up, checking the clock, then running to the shower. can we get a few moments together first?
i'm reconsidering sleep
i'm reconsidering life
i'm reconsidering...
the way i relate to my hair.
yes, perhaps it's not the most profound thing in your book but in mine, it's serious stuff.
my hair is so important that i've written poems about it, devoted words and hours to explore its nature and what that means for me. i've even cried over it and prayed over it. yes, God cares about my curls, my twists, my braids, my fro, my unique combinations...
and now i want a change. nothing drastic. nothing that will possibly harm it like chemicals of one lye or another. just something different that looks good but doesn't consume my time -- i don't have time -- i don't want to make time -- not for my hair -- not anymore.
and i'd rather not devote time to brainstorming my options. i'd like to wake up tomorrow morning and know. no doubts. no potential possibilities to pick from. just one way.
and what would be really nice is if when i wake up, it's already done.
yes, i'm looking for a miracle ;)
yes, perhaps it's not the most profound thing in your book but in mine, it's serious stuff.
my hair is so important that i've written poems about it, devoted words and hours to explore its nature and what that means for me. i've even cried over it and prayed over it. yes, God cares about my curls, my twists, my braids, my fro, my unique combinations...
and now i want a change. nothing drastic. nothing that will possibly harm it like chemicals of one lye or another. just something different that looks good but doesn't consume my time -- i don't have time -- i don't want to make time -- not for my hair -- not anymore.
and i'd rather not devote time to brainstorming my options. i'd like to wake up tomorrow morning and know. no doubts. no potential possibilities to pick from. just one way.
and what would be really nice is if when i wake up, it's already done.
yes, i'm looking for a miracle ;)
5.6.05
mysterious ways
i don't know why a lot of things are the way they are. like how people are blessed by what i allow God to do through me. like how i'm blessed even though i'm clearly human.
i don't know the why...but i'm thankful for the now and for the when. i'm content in the how and in the then.
i sit here amazed and all i can say is
yipee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know the why...but i'm thankful for the now and for the when. i'm content in the how and in the then.
i sit here amazed and all i can say is
yipee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2.6.05
time away
breeds discontent
breeds unnecessary attitude
breeds a truckload of regret
breeds this wish:
that i never had to wake up to the knowledge that i keep on messing up
time away is not time well spent
time away
encourages me to bad mouth
encourages me to spit figuratively on someone else's lawn
encourages me to hold a grudge
encourages this wish:
that i never have to wake up to the knowledge that i keep on being human
that i never use that as an excuse again
that i get back to time well spent
breeds unnecessary attitude
breeds a truckload of regret
breeds this wish:
that i never had to wake up to the knowledge that i keep on messing up
time away is not time well spent
time away
encourages me to bad mouth
encourages me to spit figuratively on someone else's lawn
encourages me to hold a grudge
encourages this wish:
that i never have to wake up to the knowledge that i keep on being human
that i never use that as an excuse again
that i get back to time well spent
1.6.05
colour this
did i hear you correctly? did you say "coloured"? did you refer to people of my colour as "coloured"? did you really do that? are you really that ignorant? i mean, yes, there are things we all don't know. there are things some of us may never know. but come on! really? coloured?
perhaps it was her uncoloured attempt to be kind
"black" is too harsh
well you can take your kindness and place it gently into the ocean
but if that's too long a drive, write it down and burn it
please
do something
to destroy it
just don't share it
not with me
not with anyone
we've all got colour -- haven't you seen the crayola giant pack?
there's a crayon just for you!
take it
and colour this
perhaps it was her uncoloured attempt to be kind
"black" is too harsh
well you can take your kindness and place it gently into the ocean
but if that's too long a drive, write it down and burn it
please
do something
to destroy it
just don't share it
not with me
not with anyone
we've all got colour -- haven't you seen the crayola giant pack?
there's a crayon just for you!
take it
and colour this
27.5.05
liberia -- it's in my blood
i've been doing research on liberia for an encyclopedia entry (yeah, i'm taking this writing thing seriously -- it's almost overwhelming me).
as i read, i find out things that confirm my memories and other things that make my head spin. i lived in such corruption, under its nose. i was sheltered just enough to know that stuff was going down but i didn't get the full story. nevertheless, it's in my head, in my blood.
now i read about what we really lived under, the leadership that could have killed us, the rebellion that could have ripped apart our family like it did to others.
i write an encyclopedia entry with all the caution in the world. don't say native, say indigenous. don't say tribe, say ethnic group.
it's a load of you know what! i want to tell it like it is. i want to tell it like i'm from there. i want to talk about the people as if i can still touch the soil. they're real and yes, they call their tribe a tribe!
and then there's this whole thing about united states involvement. i wrote down that it didn't get too involved during the civil war due to the corrupt state of the liberian government. what i really wanted to say was that it didn't get involved because it's corrupt too and it couldn't afford to take on too much more corruption unless there was oil involved. all liberia had was iron ore -- not as much $$ as oil.
sorry guys. we'll aid you in 2005, now that stuff has died down. now that 200,000 (and counting) are dead, here's 5 million for ya. now get your act together. build up your country. fix those roads. get those schools in tact. remember, no child should be left behind. all those rifle carrying 8-yr-olds need to be in school. educate them so they can run the country. and in the meantime, we'll supply you with humanitarian aid, just enough to keep you alive, not enough to fix you. that's your job. you can do it. pull up those bootstraps. remember what we taught your ancestors on the plantations? where there's a will there's a way!
and there's also a bit more drama coming your way, oh most powerful country of the world. it's the end of time folks. we ain't seen nothin yet.
but those who live by the sword shall die by the sword...and the bomb, and the outbreak, and the problem we all have...stupidity...
as i read, i find out things that confirm my memories and other things that make my head spin. i lived in such corruption, under its nose. i was sheltered just enough to know that stuff was going down but i didn't get the full story. nevertheless, it's in my head, in my blood.
now i read about what we really lived under, the leadership that could have killed us, the rebellion that could have ripped apart our family like it did to others.
i write an encyclopedia entry with all the caution in the world. don't say native, say indigenous. don't say tribe, say ethnic group.
it's a load of you know what! i want to tell it like it is. i want to tell it like i'm from there. i want to talk about the people as if i can still touch the soil. they're real and yes, they call their tribe a tribe!
and then there's this whole thing about united states involvement. i wrote down that it didn't get too involved during the civil war due to the corrupt state of the liberian government. what i really wanted to say was that it didn't get involved because it's corrupt too and it couldn't afford to take on too much more corruption unless there was oil involved. all liberia had was iron ore -- not as much $$ as oil.
sorry guys. we'll aid you in 2005, now that stuff has died down. now that 200,000 (and counting) are dead, here's 5 million for ya. now get your act together. build up your country. fix those roads. get those schools in tact. remember, no child should be left behind. all those rifle carrying 8-yr-olds need to be in school. educate them so they can run the country. and in the meantime, we'll supply you with humanitarian aid, just enough to keep you alive, not enough to fix you. that's your job. you can do it. pull up those bootstraps. remember what we taught your ancestors on the plantations? where there's a will there's a way!
and there's also a bit more drama coming your way, oh most powerful country of the world. it's the end of time folks. we ain't seen nothin yet.
but those who live by the sword shall die by the sword...and the bomb, and the outbreak, and the problem we all have...stupidity...
26.5.05
time well spent
i've been missing my time spent with God so i hoped i'd wake early so i could talk to Him and read the bible and talk some more.
so after my crazy nightmare was documented, we spent time in Acts 27.
courage -- my pastor always asks me how my courage is.
hope -- the only way to have courage.
what's the difference between hope and optimism? after all, both could be seen as "an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome" when in reality, that's the definition for only one.
well, for starters, optimism is a noun and hope is a verb that can also be a noun. secondly, with hope comes all sorts of biblical references and christian ideology.
i used to pride myself in my optimism. now i'm content to have hope -- one of three christian virtues that keeps me alive.
pastor, my courage is good! but my subconscious is crazy and may disagree from time to time...
so after my crazy nightmare was documented, we spent time in Acts 27.
courage -- my pastor always asks me how my courage is.
hope -- the only way to have courage.
what's the difference between hope and optimism? after all, both could be seen as "an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome" when in reality, that's the definition for only one.
well, for starters, optimism is a noun and hope is a verb that can also be a noun. secondly, with hope comes all sorts of biblical references and christian ideology.
i used to pride myself in my optimism. now i'm content to have hope -- one of three christian virtues that keeps me alive.
pastor, my courage is good! but my subconscious is crazy and may disagree from time to time...
i'm so hungry
i was in my 2nd year of the MA program in english literature, the one thing i'd loved since birth it seemed. i transferred back to AU b/c my first year had been so hard at the public university -- i needed something familiar.
during that first semester, i took a lit class that somehow resembled a history class with all the facts and dates. it must have been co-taught. the male teacher was a middle-aged white scholar whose laid back style i enjoyed. he made it all seem so simple. his hair line receded and he wore a lot of bland colour combos like khaki and black or a washed out navy blue. we discussed some author's politics.
at the end of the first less, i think, we had an in-class essay test. i was by no means thrilled at the thought -- i don't recall having time to study. the man proctored the test. it was then graded by a french lady whose overall look resembled celine dion.
i sat in the classroom as she graded my essay. for some reason, i was the only student who'd stayed behind to learn my fate.
i watched her face as she read my ideology. for the test, we were given key passages to read after which we were presented with a question. she looked frustrated by my answer. at one point during her grading, she got up and went into another room where the male prof was and continued grading. when she returned, she had a look of disgust on her face and her tone was nasty.
how could i have written such an awful essay, she wanted to know. i got 6.5 out of 20. "i was so annoyed i slammed your paper down, you know. what were you thinking?" she pointed out the weaknesses in my logic, her utter disgust at my argument. "you don't know how to write a paper. you must learn how to write a paper!"
she was visibly distressed by what i'd produced. "how did you draw this conclusion from this information? look at this page. where did you get that idea?"
i sat there peacefully as she squashed any confidence i had in my ability to compose complete thoughts. she didn't know that i didn't care about this author nor did i care for his politics or the opportunity to discuss them but for all i knew, I'd done my best. there must have been a change made somehow between when i wrote the essay and when she read it.
she continued to give me a look of shame as she discussed how much grading my essay affected her physically. "perhaps you would do better if we had a closer connection."
just then, c.s. lewis and his wife appeared, their bodies laying on tables that came out of their shared tomb. they were like morgue tables that slide into the wall.
c.s. opened his eyes and gave me a knowing look.
"i'm so hungry," i said.
he knew exactly what i meant.
then i woke up. the birds were chirping. it wasn't that bright outside. i knew it was early. i knew i had to write this all down.
lesson 1 for today is this: eat a good supper so that even if you go to bed 5 hours after supper, you won't wake up starved.
lesson 2 for today is this: read "a grief observed" by c.s. lewis
lesson 3 for today is this: don't let fear give you scholastic nightmares
lesson 4 for today is this: don't believe everything you read :)
during that first semester, i took a lit class that somehow resembled a history class with all the facts and dates. it must have been co-taught. the male teacher was a middle-aged white scholar whose laid back style i enjoyed. he made it all seem so simple. his hair line receded and he wore a lot of bland colour combos like khaki and black or a washed out navy blue. we discussed some author's politics.
at the end of the first less, i think, we had an in-class essay test. i was by no means thrilled at the thought -- i don't recall having time to study. the man proctored the test. it was then graded by a french lady whose overall look resembled celine dion.
i sat in the classroom as she graded my essay. for some reason, i was the only student who'd stayed behind to learn my fate.
i watched her face as she read my ideology. for the test, we were given key passages to read after which we were presented with a question. she looked frustrated by my answer. at one point during her grading, she got up and went into another room where the male prof was and continued grading. when she returned, she had a look of disgust on her face and her tone was nasty.
how could i have written such an awful essay, she wanted to know. i got 6.5 out of 20. "i was so annoyed i slammed your paper down, you know. what were you thinking?" she pointed out the weaknesses in my logic, her utter disgust at my argument. "you don't know how to write a paper. you must learn how to write a paper!"
she was visibly distressed by what i'd produced. "how did you draw this conclusion from this information? look at this page. where did you get that idea?"
i sat there peacefully as she squashed any confidence i had in my ability to compose complete thoughts. she didn't know that i didn't care about this author nor did i care for his politics or the opportunity to discuss them but for all i knew, I'd done my best. there must have been a change made somehow between when i wrote the essay and when she read it.
she continued to give me a look of shame as she discussed how much grading my essay affected her physically. "perhaps you would do better if we had a closer connection."
just then, c.s. lewis and his wife appeared, their bodies laying on tables that came out of their shared tomb. they were like morgue tables that slide into the wall.
c.s. opened his eyes and gave me a knowing look.
"i'm so hungry," i said.
he knew exactly what i meant.
then i woke up. the birds were chirping. it wasn't that bright outside. i knew it was early. i knew i had to write this all down.
lesson 1 for today is this: eat a good supper so that even if you go to bed 5 hours after supper, you won't wake up starved.
lesson 2 for today is this: read "a grief observed" by c.s. lewis
lesson 3 for today is this: don't let fear give you scholastic nightmares
lesson 4 for today is this: don't believe everything you read :)
25.5.05
oh yeah!
i've got good news and i'm so used to being formal with my speech that i can't even share it without sounding stuffed. i just deleted a sentence that i thought clearly expressed my happiness but please, who was i kidding.
what i really want to say is:
i'm getting published!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay, it's not my book yet but it's an article for the Adventist Review. it's an unsolicited piece (which in my world makes a whole lot of difference, good difference) and they're not sure when they'll publish it but they want first rights, etc. so i have to fill out an agreement form, send in a picture, etc. and they'll give me money, a byline, etc.
YES!
now when i send out my book i can say a little more in my cover letter or proposal. yes, i have other things published but not much in the current article department.
anyway, thanks for sharing my joy. thank you God for making this possible!
sweet doggy!
what i really want to say is:
i'm getting published!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay, it's not my book yet but it's an article for the Adventist Review. it's an unsolicited piece (which in my world makes a whole lot of difference, good difference) and they're not sure when they'll publish it but they want first rights, etc. so i have to fill out an agreement form, send in a picture, etc. and they'll give me money, a byline, etc.
YES!
now when i send out my book i can say a little more in my cover letter or proposal. yes, i have other things published but not much in the current article department.
anyway, thanks for sharing my joy. thank you God for making this possible!
sweet doggy!
23.5.05
why
am i still working on this proposal?
because i didn't work enough in the past.
and as much as i'd like to postpone tomorrow, the day when post offices reopen, the day when i can send a fax, the day when i have to tutor, to plan song service, to write an article...
tomorrow is the one word i got wrong on a spelling test over 15 years ago. i still remember because it has such funky spelling. why two r's and only one m? i didn't feel dumb getting it wrong but i wanted 100% on my test...you know what i mean? so close but no cigar.
that's me right now. so close but no proposal yet complete.
i love words but only when i control when they come out.
because i didn't work enough in the past.
and as much as i'd like to postpone tomorrow, the day when post offices reopen, the day when i can send a fax, the day when i have to tutor, to plan song service, to write an article...
tomorrow is the one word i got wrong on a spelling test over 15 years ago. i still remember because it has such funky spelling. why two r's and only one m? i didn't feel dumb getting it wrong but i wanted 100% on my test...you know what i mean? so close but no cigar.
that's me right now. so close but no proposal yet complete.
i love words but only when i control when they come out.
22.5.05
use your words carefully
this record is broken
broken is this record
is this record broken?
this broken is record
record, this is broken
broken, this record is
this broken record is
is this broken record?
is broken record this?
is record this broken?
if 95% of what we say is foolish does that mean the other 5% is wise? or is the 95% simply inconsequential? and if we divided our foolish talk by our wisdom, would we find any hope?
broken is this record
is this record broken?
this broken is record
record, this is broken
broken, this record is
this broken record is
is this broken record?
is broken record this?
is record this broken?
if 95% of what we say is foolish does that mean the other 5% is wise? or is the 95% simply inconsequential? and if we divided our foolish talk by our wisdom, would we find any hope?
19.5.05
the hilton -- the book
yes, i spent a night in the hilton at o'hare airport. i volunteered to fly out a day later so they treated me nice(ly).
i had a conference room: a nice long table with 5 cushy chairs around it, a flip chart, a white board, a bed that came down from the wall, a 2-seater couch, a single seat couch, side tables, coffee tables, bar space, and all the rest...
it was the perfect work space but i didn't have enough hours. i suppose i could have stayed up late since my flight wasn't till noon and i already had my boarding pass but in all my excitement i wasn't thinking so critically.
regardless, it was wonderful and i did do some work. got an outline of how i'll use psalm 88 in my book (thanks pr. russell) and i finished book revisions on the plane in between head bucking.
it's going to happen. i'm going to get this book out of my hands and into the world. because God's helping me so all is possible and all will be.
i had a conference room: a nice long table with 5 cushy chairs around it, a flip chart, a white board, a bed that came down from the wall, a 2-seater couch, a single seat couch, side tables, coffee tables, bar space, and all the rest...
it was the perfect work space but i didn't have enough hours. i suppose i could have stayed up late since my flight wasn't till noon and i already had my boarding pass but in all my excitement i wasn't thinking so critically.
regardless, it was wonderful and i did do some work. got an outline of how i'll use psalm 88 in my book (thanks pr. russell) and i finished book revisions on the plane in between head bucking.
it's going to happen. i'm going to get this book out of my hands and into the world. because God's helping me so all is possible and all will be.
10.5.05
less is love
some of us are still learning this, some of us already know and are living examples of it: less is more.
or as i like to put it, less is love.
as i help a friend with the final plans for her big day, i recognize the pressure to please, the pressure to save face, the pressure to create something really good for others.
and i realize that we are incapable of doing any of those well at all times. and they shouldn't consume our thoughts but they do.
in five days, it will all be over. place tags will be trashed. flowers will be trashed. leftovers will be trashed. and some people may no longer like each other. and all because a couple decided to say "i do."
i don't mean to make weddings sound like a drag. i think they're lovely. the symbolism, the atmosphere, the reunion of friends and family -- it's all fabulous. but it need not consume.
nothing we do should cause us to lose focus of what really matters.
and what is that michaela, you may ask? love is simple. we need not add too much fancy trimming in order to love. contentment doesn't have to have a bow on it.
and those, dear friends, are my words of wisdom for the day.
or as i like to put it, less is love.
as i help a friend with the final plans for her big day, i recognize the pressure to please, the pressure to save face, the pressure to create something really good for others.
and i realize that we are incapable of doing any of those well at all times. and they shouldn't consume our thoughts but they do.
in five days, it will all be over. place tags will be trashed. flowers will be trashed. leftovers will be trashed. and some people may no longer like each other. and all because a couple decided to say "i do."
i don't mean to make weddings sound like a drag. i think they're lovely. the symbolism, the atmosphere, the reunion of friends and family -- it's all fabulous. but it need not consume.
nothing we do should cause us to lose focus of what really matters.
and what is that michaela, you may ask? love is simple. we need not add too much fancy trimming in order to love. contentment doesn't have to have a bow on it.
and those, dear friends, are my words of wisdom for the day.
29.4.05
i just
feel like writing something since it's been a while and all you who read this probably desire something new.
i also want to talk about the power of sharing a good thing. we never know how the good thought we've received will impact someone else. why not share it? somehow we often don't. it's not as if it's costing us an arm or big toe...it's a thought...words. sometimes it comes in the form of a forward, sometimes a book, sometimes a film. it could be the answer to someone's prayer.
we never know.
that's why i write...
i also want to talk about the power of sharing a good thing. we never know how the good thought we've received will impact someone else. why not share it? somehow we often don't. it's not as if it's costing us an arm or big toe...it's a thought...words. sometimes it comes in the form of a forward, sometimes a book, sometimes a film. it could be the answer to someone's prayer.
we never know.
that's why i write...
20.4.05
conversations
jasmine, a friend of a friend, returned my call this afternoon. she's a riot! when the conversation ended, i felt as if i'd just been refreshed.
i finally made contact with tanya, after weeks of trying. as usual, we delved into discussions of the sda church, young adults, our angst, our anger, our revolutionary measures. it was good.
my english tutee added me to her messenger list. we chatted online! so fabulous. funny how she's moving from one new language to another.
a friend's experiencing growth, the kind of growth that wasn't requested but has to happen, the kind that makes your skin stretch and your muscles ache, the kind that i wish didn't exist outside of physical growth spurts because heart pain is deeper than any of us can swim. if he didn't know God he'd be a corpse.
i haven't yet talked to God today, like really talked. well, maybe i have. i just have this notion of what "true" communication with God entails. you know, long time spent on bended knee. bible close by.
talking's good. we need each other's ears more than we often know. and sometimes we just need to hear our pain.
i finally made contact with tanya, after weeks of trying. as usual, we delved into discussions of the sda church, young adults, our angst, our anger, our revolutionary measures. it was good.
my english tutee added me to her messenger list. we chatted online! so fabulous. funny how she's moving from one new language to another.
a friend's experiencing growth, the kind of growth that wasn't requested but has to happen, the kind that makes your skin stretch and your muscles ache, the kind that i wish didn't exist outside of physical growth spurts because heart pain is deeper than any of us can swim. if he didn't know God he'd be a corpse.
i haven't yet talked to God today, like really talked. well, maybe i have. i just have this notion of what "true" communication with God entails. you know, long time spent on bended knee. bible close by.
talking's good. we need each other's ears more than we often know. and sometimes we just need to hear our pain.
18.4.05
writing fever
so much has happened in the last 2 months. now i have a lull for just a couple of weeks. and in these 2 weeks, i have a lot of writing to do. i may get a poem published if the mag likes my revisions. i may finally actually finish my book. i may join the alberta writer's guild. i may, i may, i may...
i may also get to spend more time outside putting the final touches on a little table.
priorities?
i may also get to spend more time outside putting the final touches on a little table.
priorities?
13.4.05
learning...slowly
i'm learning slowly but surely, how to be an effective leader.
i'm learning slooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlyyyyyyyyyyyy.
i'm learning slooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlyyyyyyyyyyyy.
3.4.05
the flood
so the steps from the garage into the basement decided to give way to water on friday.
by night time, it's cold enough to stop the water flow but by mid-day, water and the basement floor become friends. i guess we'll have to dig down to the foundation and do some serious work. i envision, new shiny stairs...if cement stairs can be shiny.
i don't ever desire to be a house owner. i desire a loft. the only drawback is that i won't be able to do any landscaping...the only fun part of having a house house, in my humble estimation.
by night time, it's cold enough to stop the water flow but by mid-day, water and the basement floor become friends. i guess we'll have to dig down to the foundation and do some serious work. i envision, new shiny stairs...if cement stairs can be shiny.
i don't ever desire to be a house owner. i desire a loft. the only drawback is that i won't be able to do any landscaping...the only fun part of having a house house, in my humble estimation.